reflections on "sir jean"

Above: "A cycle of Life" pen & ink, photoshop,

Sometime last year I bought a Neo2 Alphasmart Word Processor. It looks like Tom Peters' Funputer, but it's even simpler than that, it just types, no extra apps. It's supposed to be like a typewriter, in that in only does the one thing. But it's electronic so none of the crap you'd have to do get a type writer going (ink ribbons and the like).

I like toys and if a toy can help me be creative even faster, then I wanna try it! Turns out, I just liked the idea of having a toy that could do that and only used it seriously once. I just learned to close out of applications I didn't want to look at on my regular desktop computer and listen only to music when writing.

But the one thing I seriously wrote in the Alphasmart was "Sir Jean". I already had the idea and the stupid name down (thanks to friend John for reminding me of the letter "ç") so I just sat and made myself write. Stream of consciousness, I usually just like to jump in and edit later. Carve whatever I can out in the aftermath. So I wrote the first draft up til he gets back to the king.

I had just finished "Between Two Fires" by Christopher Buehlman and was in a dark fantasy mood again. There is just so much implied with a proper dark fantasy story that, if done well, can lead you along a curious hidden path within to learn more. I loved that in the book, in Dark Souls (the video game), and others that have tried to mimic that.

Cus I've wanted to try that too! I'm just as excitable as when I was a kid and you could tell what I was putting out in my art what was in my head. So I dug in to the idea, just kept going with the momentum as I was figuring it out. Months later, spring cleaning my place, I found the Alphasmart again and dumped that story onto my computer (by using a usb cord, the alphasmart just "types" it back out into your text editor of choice which could also include a discord message if you click off of Notepad) and just wanted to see if I was capable of finishing something again.

Yeah, it all comes back to Art vs Artist. But I was feeling so disconnected from the "artist" part in myself these past months, that I almost didn't feel like one. Felt like the art I made wasn't actually by me and I haven't even made what I want. Just torturing myself over nothing and getting too lost to care. It was a bad winter.

Trying to make good when I joined with King Features felt like I was pleasing a benefactor who didn't really care. It was an old machine that didn't think about the cogs inside. And I'm not sure why I thought I could have made something different to shake the sheets around. I have grown up with a quiet ego I silently admonish, yet nurture at the same time like a shut-in (I'm working on it, all right!).

It's not really a big logical leap for me, then, to mimic a comic strip of old for something like this (i just think it's neat!). I looked mostly at "Wizard of Id" simply for being the fantasy gag strip that still goin' (60 years running as of this writing). Brant Parker's art has a more stiff UPA style of cartooning to it, that I've always liked. The UPA styles, not really Brant Parker's. But it was a still a fine jumping off point. I just wanted to start.

So I morphed the story about someone else dealing with another's art. "A terrible painting! A HAUNTED painting? No, that's a bit too Dorian Grey. Everyone's read the summary of that one..." and more as I settled simply on "awful" and made the rest up about the evil artist and etc. It just fit as I drew it. That's all I do when I draw, I just fit the pieces I already have into place. Glue it on. Paint bucket, paint bucket.

And you know what really won in the end of the story of Sir Jean? The one rule I used to hang my hat on as a solid reminder when making art: "Who Cares?"

 It's YOUR art, ultimately the rules in your head don't matter and I personally feel like I can tell when someone's having a good time making what they make, be it a song, a comic, a movie, a game, a post, whatever you want to call it. And we can get bogged down by those rules as artists who learned art as we grew, or rules about WHEN is the BEST TIME to post something online. Throwing all that away and just having fun with it is something I see less these days, cus that kind of thing still begs to me monetized. And work isn't that fun.

And the more I kept asking questions about how to write this, what should happen next in the story, how does this end... I used to say out loud "Who cares" and write whatever. It was fun, but the more I said it out loud, the more I had formed the answer "I do." I kinda do, a lot. I care maybe too much about this shit. Then I just got mixed up in my feelings about it, cus I spent a large part of my life caring a lot about this shit (comics). Sheesh, "who cares" he asks...

I know I'm lucky to get to do what I do, but I'm finding myself alone and answering my own questions these days and yet still find some time to be happy outside with friends and neighbors. And that level of lonely is too tender when it gets there anymore. I think of a Born Ruffians lyric from the song "Waylaid": "Feeling safer alone/Feeling saner when low/And it scares me, this comfort zone"

Anyway, That's all I can think of! The King is dead! Long live the king. And happy pride month, I'm gay.