BONUS! Sir-Putt-A-Lot's Merrie Olde Fun Centre

As I said in a previous post, "Dead Putting Society" is light on new or bonus characters, we'll be done with it next week. But this seemed like a good opportunity to do a deep dive into a location featured heavily in this episode and occasionally afterwards.

I've only drawn the ones from this episode that kinda-sorta look like characters, but let's examine all the holes that this course has to offer. Like a lot of media outlets, I'm going to rank them in a numbered list. Unlike a lot of media outlets, who will chicken out and tell you their ranking is subjective, I am going to tell you now that this ordering is DEFINITIVE and INARGUABLE.

Bonus research as I am a glutton for punishment: I found out how many of them are visible in the PlayStation 2 classic* "The Simpsons Skateboarding", as this is the most freely explorable three-dimensional representation of Sir Putt-A-Lott's available. Let's get started!

#21: All the holes I've missed.

Listen, I'm not stupid. I've been round the internet once or twice. I know that mere moments after I hit "publish" on this post, the first comment will be "But you forgot this particular hole, only visible for a single frame!" Well, no I didn't. It was too insignificant to put in the list, so here it is at the bottom. Boom.

#20: Rocket Ship

I took this screengrab for a later entry (which one could it be?) and noticed the rocket ship in the background. This episode (Season 16's "There's Something About Marrying") is the only place the rocket ship appears, so it's right at the bottom.

#19: Mopping Astronaut

Okay, disclaimer, this one is actually pretty cool, and would have gone higher in the list had I not found him relatively late (it only appears in season 9's "Natural Born Kissers", I think). But he makes the number more than the traditional 18 holes in a golf course, so he's at the bottom of the list. Plus, there appears to be very little challenge in the putt - other than the mop itself, it's a straight shot. One small step for man, one smaller leap for interesting mini golf holes.

#18: House

This one is just not very interesting, and I can only find it in The Simpsons Skateboarding, not in the show itself.

#17: Eiffel Tower

This one appears somewhat consistently, but I feel is far too standard for the wacky flavour of Sir Putt-A-Lotts. Plus, I've been to the Eiffel Tower: it's WAY bigger than it appears here. The real one is 330m tall, this one looks less than 5m. Pathetic.

#16: Easter Island Head

We don't get a good look at this one, but as it's just another representation of a real-life landmark, it's not up too high. I like that it's yellow though, even though it doesn't make a lot of sense.

#15: Shoe

The shoe comes up a lot in depictions of the course, it's a relatively consistent one! But I'm afraid my tastes lean towards more anthropomorphic and weird creations, and "from a nursery rhyme" just doesn't do it for me.

#14: Krusty

Krusty appears to be only in The Simpsons Skateboarding - if he had been in the show I might have bumped him up a few places! But the ones invented for ollie-ing and grinding somehow feel "less than" compared to others.

#13: Shark

I like the shark, I do, he's very cute - but his angles and portrayal change dramatically between these screengrabs, I cannot get a good feel of how he is "supposed" to be, which is especially disappointing considering the jaw of this Jaws does not move up and down. What a missed opportunity.

#12: Sphinx

One of the more recognisable holes on this list, and it ranks higher than the other "real life" locations because it has some personality - his expression says to me "golf here or don't, I have more important things to worry about." Gosh, he's cool.

#11: Skull

Do not get me wrong here. I LOVE skulls. I draw skulls a lot, like some kind of 14 year old goth trying to fill his maths workbook. I even have a skull of my own! But this skull is not particularly special. Bonus points for briefly being in the "Eye On Springfield" intro from season 4's "Flaming Moe's":

which is actually a modified shot from Dead Putting Society itself:

Somehow the producers of the fictional TV show "Eye On Springfield" had access to the production backgrounds of real TV show "The Simpsons". Don't think about it too hard, your face will melt and you'll just be a skull, used on some mini golf course.

#10: Dog

Controversial? Perhaps! This is the last one to be exclusive to "The Simpsons Skateboarding", and should be lower for that reason, but that big ol' adorable dog face won it a lot of love in my heart. Whatchu doing, boy? You're too big for that doghouse!

#9: Itchy and Scratchy

This once only exists for a single shot, as far as I can tell. It looks dangerous!

#8: Pirate Pig

I led with the first screenshot here because it's the one I used as reference for the drawing I did at the top - I had not realised when drawing it that it was intended to be a pig, even though it is blatantly clear from literally any other shot. I would go back and change it, but who has time for that? The boss says I have to write another 7 entries before tee-time!

#7: Grim Reaper

The spectre of death looms over us all, ready to come at any moment. Golf all you like, but the grave remains inescapable. The reaper watches our futile efforts to stave him off from above, rotating to see all. He does not even interfere with the actual putting, allowing us to play without his intervention. It is of no use. Soon we will all be in our own holes in the ground.

#6: Castle

On the surface this one is not that remarkable, but its high inclusion is for a good reason: this is where Bart Simpson was conceived (as told in season 3's "I Married Marge"). If it were not for this castle, we might not have had the creation of one of the 90's most important contributions to pop-culture. Where would we be without his classic catchphrases, such as "Ay Caruamba!" "Eat My Shorts!" and "Okay Santa, Back Your Sleigh Up Right Here!"?

That second shot of the castle is from season 19's "That 90s Show", everyone's favourite episode.

#5: Lincoln

We're into the all-timers. When you think of "Sir Putt-A-Lott's Merrie Olde Fun Centre" (as I'm sure you do daily), these are the attractions that instantly come to mind. Honest Abe sits proudly, opening his legs for visitors and hoping they can live the true American dream of scoring a birdie.

The Lincoln hole meets its end in season 9's "Natural Born Kissers" when a windmill blade decapitates him, which I think is what happened to the real Abraham Lincoln.

But PLEASE do not fret, as he is repaired by season 11's "E-I-E-I-(annoyed grunt)"

Yes, you're going to be seeing some of these screengrabs twice.

#4: Dinosaur

Dinosaurs are going to rank highly on ANY list, that's just a fact. Dinosaurs eating someone? Doubly so. This is a good design, and the hole itself looks like a fun but fair challenge. For a friend's birthday several years ago we went to a mini golf course just outside Glasgow called "Jurassic Par" and while I won't say it was the single greatest experience I've ever had, I would put it in the top two.

#3: Boxing Crocodile

This is the first hole we are introduced to in "Dead Putting Society", and the first hole of the course - it's easy to see why they would put this guy front and centre, he presents a strong first impression. Boxing and crocodiles are not too flavours that instantly go together in the kitchen of the mind, but this fella just makes it work with his happy but gormless grin. He's a legend, and we should celebrate him more.

#2: Windmill

On any other list, the windmill would go dead centre. It is functional, but not that imaginative. A standard of the mini golfing circuit. But this windmill is especially memorable because of a scene from "Natural Born Kissers" in which Homer and Marge are caught canoodling inside.

It's also where we see one of Homer's rare pre-nuclear plant jobs, when he rotated the blades manually. ("I Married Marge")

And we must give the windmill its due for being a source of employment for Homer Simpson, one of the 90's most important contributions to pop-culture. Where would we be without his classic catchphrases, such as "D'oh!" "Why You Little!" and "No Problemo!"?

#1: Professor Gorilla

You knew it was coming. Similar to the boxing crocodile, it's a strange juxtaposition. Why is he wearing a mortarboard? Because he's smarter than you, that's why. He's taunting you, telling all golfers they cannot pass his intense challenge. That ramp, along with the closing mouth, looks like a hard time for any golfer, as discussed in the episode. His wild swinging arms provide no additional challenge to the hole, they are just there for flair. He is the perfect combination of style and substance. He should be in the Louvre.

He is so iconic that when we saw him back in the first screengrab, almost 1500 words ago, the joke was that he had been altered to a more feminine appearance because gay marriage was now legal in Springfield.

I would call this joke "crazy homophobic" at best, but let's leave that aside for a moment - the show is counting on the viewers recognising Professor Gorilla, so that they can notice he has changed for this joke to land. That's how important he is, he's as solid a piece of Springfield iconography as the nuclear power plant towers, or the Jebidiah Springfield statue, or Blinky the fish. We stan an educated ape king. That's why he is #1.

*The PlayStation 2 game "The Simpsons Skateboarding" is not a classic.

This post is part of my "Every Simpsons Character Ever" series. For a list of my rules in this project, click here.