Sketchbook PDF - May 2020

Hi everyone, 

Here's your sketchbook PDF for May!

This one might be a little weird, and is very messy.
Some of the pages in this PDF might look like utter nonsense to you when you browse through them, and I pondered whether or not I should include those messy doodles in the file. In the end, I decided to put them in, as they were an important part of my process, and I wanted to talk a little about it. 

I sat down to sketch last week, and just...couldn't.
I wanted to do nothing, and I just stared at the pages, getting more and more anxious as time went by. I felt like my mind was spiraling and slowly falling into a hole of exhaustion and lethargy.
I know that, when I feel that way, the best remedy is to just...do. Put pencil to paper, even if just to scribble angrily (which I did do as you'll see in the PDF). But it was hard to even do that.
Ultimately, I forced my hand to doodle, and did most of the really scribbly, loose, nonsense drawings you'll see in the file, and although it didn't spark my motivation back to life, it did help with the anxiety. Because at least I was doing...something.
Which in turn, helped me grab hold of a steadier, more stable mindset, and I managed to stop feeling like I was spiraling.
In fact, it felt amazing to let loose completely, not worry at all about my lines looking like anything, and just let my hand do whatever it felt like doing. It was somewhat similar to automatic writing, if you have ever tried it.
I think it accesses a certain part of my brain that I don't let myself use or maybe don't know how to use. I try to be in control as much as possible, I strive to be organised, and productive and pro-active, and I never let myself simply enjoy doing pointless, directionless things. But sometimes, it is what is needed.
Because, in truth, nothing really has a purpose or a direction, everything just...is, first and foremost. And letting my drawings just be without giving them a purpose felt liberating, and helped me dedramatise how I felt, and let me accept that it is sometimes ok to just fall apart a little.
I hope those messy pages will no be too boring! They felt important to me when I drew them, so I wanted to include them so you could see that my process can be chaotic sometimes.  

I had a rough couple of weeks  and have been seriously struggling with motivation and finding the energy to keep up with everything I need to do, which inevitably led to my finding it difficult to sketch. I know I'm not the only one feeling the weight of the past few months slowly getting more ponderous, as well as dreading the shadow of the coming months. I have definitely been burning out faster than usual. Plus, I find May to be a tough month, as my birthday is towards the end of the month, just a few days after the anniversary of my mother's death, and this month, my grand-mother's funeral will be a couple days after that also. It is all a little more draining than usual this year.  

But I have found myself having to face certain decision lately, and I have come to some conclusions that are renewing my excitement and energy somewhat. 

I will have a "May plans" post to share my ideas and wips with you later this week, but here's the general idea of it :

I want to paint. Big paintings. 

At the moment, that is what I want to do, more than sketching, or videos, or anything else. I have been collecting ideas for the past couple of years, and I keep saying I want to paint them, but never really took the time to do so, and now I need, want, plan to do so. 

I have started. I have some sketches, and some thumbnails, and lots of ideas that are buzzing around in my head that I am excited to share with you. 

I'll show you all this this month. 

I took the decision to truly prioritize creating art this month, and it feels like the decision I needed. I look forward to sharing all that with you. 

In the meantime, enjoy the PDF, I hope you are all as well as can be, give me some news in the comments if you feel like it, I always love knowing how you are all doing, and take very good care of yourselves. 

See you soon lovely peeps, 

M