Quick, gushy post

Hi everyone. 

So, I finally made the mistake of looking up a smear video someone in the community did about me when Mr Andrews attempted to take down my channel. It was something I wanted to do, because the anxiety to do so was insane and I figured I will be better after watching it.

Well, of course it's full of lies - and yes, I did leave a response in the comments. And I got a bit upset. But then I realised;

I am now in a position where my channel/character is doing so well, that people are going out of their way to try to smear me. So that must mean I'm doing okay, right? And the fact that lies have to be made up about me in order to do that smear suggest that I'm kind of doing things right?

As you probably know, I started my channel because I needed something to keep me occupied while dealing with a resurgence of self-harm and suicidal thoughts after losing my job due to anxiety. I was pretending to be a preppy, cute, "hehe xxx you're so sweet" kind of person so I could make videos of me trying and failing to play games online. It was for fun.

And it ended up exploding.

I wanted to make a statement that someone who is clearly female doesn't automatically not know shit about gaming. That was a fine statement to make, until I got beyond 1k subs and things got a bit out of hand. 

I still regularly have panic attacks about even uploading videos. I still have serious issues with the fact I'm having to rely on the donations of strangers to keep myself off benefits. But I am forever grateful that you would all do this for me. 

It means so much that after all the overreacting to negative comments I did at under 1k subs, the sometimes over-sharing of photos of myself where I'm trying to convince myself I'm not ugly, the ridiculous smear campaigns, the constantly being told by people who have never watched my videos that you're all "white knights" and "she'll never sleep with you bro", and the times where I've let my mental state get the best of me and gone a bit overboard on social media; you lot stuck with me.

I know I have made mistakes. I'm happy to learn from them. And I'm aware that as I get bigger, there will be more unpleasant people making bizarre videos about me purely to suit their "WOMAN = TITS4HITS" agenda. And yes, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I know I have you lot behind me, and it makes me feel strong.

So thank you.

You glorious bastards.

x