Carry On Arthur

A Carry On script I wrote for an old JP Special:

Carry On Arthur

The Round Table.

King Arthur (Sid James) calls the Knights to order. Sir Lancelot (Jim Dale) is sat next to him, Tristan (Charles Hawtry) and Percival (Harry H. Corbett) join them at the table.

Lancelot 

I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Knights of the Round Table

Arthur

And that’s the last time he’ll get a round in.

Percival 

Dear me. What a waste of time this is. Who put Arthur in charge anyway?

Lancelot 

We all did when he pulled his big one out.

Tristan 

It made my eyes water.

Percival 

Oh blimey. Don’t remind me of that. I was straining for ages to get it out.

Lancelot 

I had one big yank.

Tristan 

So did I.

Lancelot 

But nothing happened.

Tristan 

Speak for yourself.

Percival

Did someone mention a quest, only the horse is on a meter.

Arthur 

Blimey, that’s not a very long horse.

Percival 

Well this is clearly a waste of time.

Arthur 

Settle down, Percival, settle down. We are to go on a quest.

Lancelot 

Yes. Somewhere out there, there’s a castle that contains the secret to eternal happiness, and everlasting life.

Percival 

Oh really? What time’s last orders?

*Arthur laughs*

Lancelot 

Arthur got a glimpse of it in a dream.

Tristan 

Sounds like one of my dreams.

Lancelot

Arthur's rule is wide-ranging, peaceful, and plentiful, and his kingdom manifests the height of satisfaction in the material world, yet we require more than just physical comforts to be satisfied. We seek a symbol of enlightenment, the holiest of grails, and we hope that Arthur will give us one.

Arthur 

Not bloody likely.

Merlin (Peter Butterworth) and his apprentice Balthazar (Jack Douglas) rush in.

Balthazar 

I demand an audience. GET OFF.

Arthur 

With that performance you’re lucky to get one.

Merlin 

This quest must be stopped at once.

Lancelot

Why, Merlin?

Merlin 

I answered a call in the woods.

Percival 

Couldn’t you have gone in the river like everyone else?

Merlin 

There are ill winds.

Arthur 

I know, I can smell you from here.

Merlin 

The spirits fill me with visions.

Tristan 

And it’s not even lunchtime.

Lancelot 

Are you saying that our quest is dangerous.

Merlin 

I can’t tell you.

Percival 

Why not?

Merlin 

Well, I always get nervous on my first knight, you see.

Balthazar 

What he says is true. I’ve seen his balls.

Percival 

I think we all can with those britches.

Balthazar 

No - he’s been to the male witches.

Lancelot 

Warlocks?

Merlin 

No, it’s true.

Arthur 

Well why don’t you just tell us what we’re up against?

Balthazar 

Looks like oak from here. GET OFF

Percival 

Not the chairs! Oh god.

Merlin 

It’ll cost you.

Lancelot 

How much?

Merlin 

A pound.

Arthur 

A pound?

Merlin 

Per knight.

Percival 

That’s extortion that is.

Arthur 

It’s alright, Percival. Pay him.

Merlin 

Balthazar, where’s my mystic pole?

Balthazar 

Oh, I left it at home.

Merlin 

You great nit.

Lancelot 

Problem?

Merlin 

Well, you can’t get the staff these days.

*Arthur hands over a bag of coin*

Arthur 

Now tell us what evil awaits us

Merlin 

Oh I will, but first I need to ask, how do you get rid of boils on your feet when you walk so much?

Arthur

Lancelot.