TGIF: Tell Me Something Good

Hello and happy Friday, patrons. Wow, what a week. I hope you’re doing well. I’m doing pretty great. It’s been a busy week to say the least. So much so that when Elliott suggested we go to Knott’s Berry Farm this morning (to ride the momentum of the good vibes we’ve been experiencing all week) I rain checked because I wanted a day to sit. Well, sit and clean. What a fucking delight to turn down going to a theme park because you’ve already had a lot of fun this week. Couldn’t imagine this a few months ago. Wow.

And part of this week’s fun was ringing the bell! What a sweet, symbolic thing. Maybe I’ll talk more about the details on next week’s pod but it was a very cute experience (that still made me very nervous) and I’m glad I did it (I almost didn’t) because it was a really touching moment to send to my family. A true mark of closure. Also, that bell is way more obnoxious than I thought. Even at the very end I can’t expect what I expect. Fitting.

Yesterday we celebrated Elliott’s birthday and had an easy, fun day getting massages, going to an art park, and getting shitty food and a drink at a pirate themed dive bar. We were home by 4pm and I made a cake. 10/10 day no notes. I woke up this morning practically vibrating with gratitude. Thankful to be feeling as well as I do (🤞🏻) and thankful to be able to do these things.

Earlier this week I was crying in therapy about feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by a constant barrage of feelings, good and bad. And I was having trouble sleeping. As soon as it was just me and my brain on the pillow my mind would gorge itself on every stressful thought it could find about the future and the past. It was looping the anxiety of what the fuck do I do now that it’s over…while also throwing in the upsetting consideration of and what the FUCK just happened to me?? The more space that was starting to free up in my brain from treatment ending the more the old voices of stress and judgement started to pile in.

I work a lot in therapy about dealing with my inner critic. And I’ve talked about it a lot here too (so apologies if I’m repeating myself). But, wouldn’t you believe it, that bitch showed up again and started making me feel like shit for not doing enough. Me, a woman who just survived breast cancer. She was trying to tell me I wasn’t doing enough and that I need to be better. She was bullying me. A breast cancer survivor. What a dirty, nasty bitch. lol.

I asked my therapist what can you do for that voice other than recognize it when it’s happening. She said that’s what you do. You recognize it. And eventually your ability to recognize it more and more will diffuse the power it has on you. This voice is old. Geriatric Millennial, old. She and I go way back. She developed out of need to protect myself and cope with not being taught to understand and/or sit with my uncomfortable feelings. She pushed me to succeed because that’s what we thought would fix the awkward feelings of loneliness, sadness, anxiety, etc. And sometimes it sort of worked. Which only made her stronger. But now, as I’m learning more and more how to actually take care of myself, her hardass, stressful ways don’t serve me anymore.

Deadass. She’s mid with no rizz.

*proudly nods for effortless use of Gen Z jargon*

So recognizing the bitch when she shows up and thanking her for doing what she does to protect me, albeit annoying and unnecessary, is the best way to let her pass through without stopping. She used to be a permanent fixture in my psyche, so this is major progress. She used to unconsciously run the whole show. Our brains are wild places. I think it’s why negative comments used to not get to me as much. I’d think oh, that’s the worst you got? Lol, that’s nothing compared to what I say to myself. Yes, I agree that’s a very fucked up way to protect oneself. Which is why therapy has been so significant for me.

I know I’m gonna be feeling A LOT of feelings in the upcoming weeks/months/years as I continue to process this experience. But when I rang the bell on Tuesday there was a reverberation of positive energy. And everyday since has been really lovely. And it feels like that cliche idea of focusing on the good, begets more good. “Ride the wave,” is the phrase you use/hear in the chemo process. When your symptoms start to show up you just gotta ride the wave until they’re over. It works for the terrible times, so I think it can work for the good times too. Right now, I’m riding a nice wave of good feelings.

I know it’s cheesy, but it’s really nice to appreciate the little goods! So, let’s keep this good wave rolling by telling me something good. What’s something you’ve done/seen/eaten/made/heard that has made you happy lately? Maybe it’s a person, maybe it’s a pet, maybe it’s a possum. It can be anything. I’ll go first. Today I woke up to The Cheesecake Factory leaving me a comment on my TikTok telling me to DM them for something special. I KNOW. I’m freaking out about it too. I sent them a DM seven hours ago and haven’t heard back yet but that still made my day. How long should I wait to follow up? I’m trying to be cool and mature and like I have a beautifully busy life and haven’t been checking my DMs every half hour. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted. Okay, your turn!

Well, that does it for this weeks blog. Thanks for letting me ramble. And thanks, as always for being here. 💚G