Life blog part 2

Long story short I’m not going into the military

Now for the long version. Yesterday after 10 hours of processing, my physical results were all accepted and they were ready to have me swear in and sign the contract but I was feeling very uneasy like I didn’t belong there. I looked through the available jobs again and my emotions kind of just bubbled up, especially after all the of the surveys asking me “have you ever been diagnosed or treated for depression” so you know what, no I have never been diagnosed or treated for depression. I’ve been living and dealing with it alone. So I just opened up and told the navy lady that I think that I have undiagnosed depression and have lied to myself this whole way here thinking that it’s something I wanted to do. I apologized a lot and they took me into a room to sit down and talk, two others joined to talk with me and they said they were proud that I had the courage to come out and say it. They both shared stories mentioning their own experience with long form depression and when people have swore in but never came out to talk about it with people so they did horrible things to themselves when deployed because they thought they could not find help. One of the ladies told me to never think it was a waste for me to come to MEPs yesterday because the conversation that we had ended up being important for myself. One of the ladies came back to talk with me more and gave me a post it note with two numbers, one being her own for me to contact her if I ever felt that I needed someone to talk to, and that she may or may not respond. I texted her when I got home and she happily responded. This all happened yesterday but I can tell it’ll be an important memory for myself and to improve my own mental health. I’m not one to go around telling everyone how I really feel, I’m someone who attempts to put on a mask every day and try to be someone who I’m not.

As for why I was heavily considering the military, basically a certain someone’s expectations on me and my general desire to just get away from here boiled past a certain point in me. That certain someone enlisted when they had absolutely nothing and lived somewhere they didn’t exactly belong while also hurting others emotionally. That isn’t me, so when I went to MEPs, I realized that I was being a follower pursuing someone I had surface level interests in yet required a contract to turn me into property.

I know it’s somewhat spoilt and not manlike to choose to stay home and live with my father but these past few years have been some of our most peaceful, even if the town itself isn’t great. I’ve been saving my own income and my bills are cheap while most days I’m happy to just be able to draw and earn a small living doing what I love. Art doesn’t play nice with me all the time but I think things will only be up from here if I continue to try while trying to better myself in my own way. I will consider trying different things as a civilian.

I also wanted to say that “making it” as an artist is extremely fickle and brings so many uncertainties, but people like you who are willing to support people like me here is what helps us live and find happiness, so thanks ❤️