'M' is For: [Ch17] Misery is a Lonely Bitch

I had a restless night’s sleep, full of disjointed images and snatches of conversations that didn’t happen. I woke up multiple times throughout the night, dismayed to find that only an hour or two had passed each time. Deep sleep finally claimed me at 4:30 in the morning, sinking me into merciful oblivion. After such a crappy night, I didn’t awaken until close to noon. Touching a finger to my face, I realized I’d been crying.

How does one break it off with someone you had once thought was your closest friend? Looking back on it now, I could see that it had been a slow, winding road that had brought me here—so slow, in fact, that I hadn’t even realized where it was leading. But now I understood with perfect clarity that this was the inevitable conclusion. I just couldn’t trust Missy anymore. Not with myself and sure as hell not with anyone else. And without trust, the whole dazzling world Missy had constructed fell apart spectacularly. Worst of all, though, was I couldn’t shake the feeling that my participation last night had somehow endorsed her actions and made me complicit. I was glad Edward hadn’t been there to see what had happened.

I was barely a few minutes out of bed before nausea bubbled up inside of me. I sprinted to the bathroom and emptied my stomach’s meager contents into the toilet.

“Fuck,” I said, half-laughing, half-crying. I felt like shit, with a pounding headache that threatened to split my brain. Probably served me right. Damn the curiosity and FOMO that had led me to Missy’s birthday bash.

I flushed the toilet and brushed my teeth. Rinsing off my face, I headed to the kitchen to see what I might scavenge up. It looked like my roommate Sarah had presciently stocked the refrigerator with some cans of coconut water, and I gratefully grabbed one and chugged it down. I drained a couple glasses of water after that before retreating to my room to huddle up and feel sorry for myself while the worst hangover headache I’d had in a while made waking consciousness a horrible torture. It was close to an hour later before I slowly started to feel more like a human being again.

Alex had left me a few messages on my phone. He was ecstatic from the night’s experiences, effusive in his praise of Missy and her party. Thanks for the invite, you’re the best Goddess xxx, was his last message to me. I marked it as read and didn’t reply.

Instead, I forced myself to leave the apartment to procure myself some lunch around the corner. I took it back and ate it in my room while I scrolled dully through posts on Instagram.

Kiara called me later that afternoon. I hesitated, debating pushing it off like I had with Alex. But I found myself reaching for the phone and answering her call. I was going to have this conversation eventually.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey, Mal.” Kiara’s voice sounded strained, like she was aiming for her usual peppiness, but the underlying unease behind it made it all sound off. I waited for her to continue, and after a moment, she said, “So… Missy’s party was something else, huh?”

“I think the party last night was just the latest,” I answered slowly. “And…Kiara, I’m out. I can’t do this anymore.”

I heard Kiara exhale sharply on the other line. “You sure?”

My heart was pounding like I was at the start of a race. It wasn’t too late to walk it back, to hedge… If she keeps going like this…I just need to think things over… But I was sick and tired of making excuses for Missy’s behavior, of letting her string me along like she did everyone else.

“I’ve never felt more sure in my life,” I said. “You all need to be careful. Missy’s become a danger to herself and everyone around her.”

I heard Kiara sigh over the phone. “I know. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve known Missy for years, and I don’t know if I can just leave her like that. But…for what it’s worth, I understand you.”

“Thanks, Kiara,” I said in a low voice, and unbidden, hot tears welled in my eyes. I was turning out to be a real watery mess. “I’m glad you and I became friends. We should still try to see each other.”

“We’d better,” Kiara said with a trace of her usual self. “No more ghosting me, bitch.” I laughed a little, and we hung up.

❖❖❖

After going back and forth on it, I ended up sending Thomas a quick text asking if he was okay after the party. I wasn’t really surprised when I didn’t hear back from him the next day, nor when the next day became the next week. Assuming Missy, who had full access to his phone, hadn’t found it and deleted it on the spot, I had a feeling that I was probably one of the last people he wanted to hear from. Finally, a couple weeks after Missy had had her birthday bash, I took the office elevator up to the floor that he worked at.

The girls at the desk Thomas worked with recognized me and greeted me cheerfully.

“Is Thomas around?” I asked them.

“He’s on his lunch break,” the one I remembered as Pauline said.

I walked past the desk, half expecting them to stop me with more questions, but they let me through without any interference. Stepping through the emergency exit into the stairwell, the familiar smell of industrial paint filled my nostrils. I climbed up the remaining flights of stairs until a blast of chilly air caught me from the partially opened door at the top. Pulling my sweater closed, I pushed open the door, taking extra care to leave the old brick in its place.

Just as I’d anticipated, Thomas was sitting alone on the bench, a lit cigarette in his hand. I paused for a moment; I’d never seen him smoke before. Just another thing I didn’t know about him. He had a beanie jammed over his dark hair but otherwise wasn’t wearing more than a hoodie. He glanced up at me as I joined him. He didn’t look particularly surprised to see me, but then neither did he look pleased.

“Hey,” I said. Thomas didn’t move to acknowledge me, just returned to staring out across the roof. I took a deep breath. “Look, I know things have been kind of awkward between us lately. I just wanted to say that, well, I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. Maybe I took it a little hard the way it went down, but I’ll always be here for you if you need a friend.”

“A friend,” Thomas said with a bitter laugh. The way he said it stung, like he was also thinking about how empty our relationship had become—in no small part because of me.

“Anyway,” I managed to force myself to continue, “That’s not why I’m here. I wanted to tell you that I’m starting a new job in a week.”

At that, Thomas’s head shot up and he met my eyes for the first time.

“You did? Where?”

“For a digital publication based here in New York City. They liked the articles I’ve been putting out, and they’re willing to bring me on board as a staff writer. It’s all thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Thomas took a drag from his cigarette.

“You pushed me to try to build the career I always wanted. And you believed in me.” I sat down next to Thomas on the bench. “I guess I wanted to try to return the favor before I left.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Thomas said in a low voice.

“I see you, Thomas,” I said. “You’re not happy. Admit it. What you had with Missy…it’s changed into something that’s destroying you both.”

“You don’t understand.” Thomas took a deep breath. To my surprise, his next few words were almost angry. He finally looked up, meeting my eyes. “Maybe our love looks a little fucked up to other people, but it’s still love. It still matters.”

I shook my head. “Just because someone loves you doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. You and Missy were the ones who taught me that I was allowed to demand more.” I hesitated, a rising lump in my throat. “And, I’m sorry, but I think you should be demanding more.”

“You should leave,” Thomas said. His voice was uneven, eyes unnaturally bright. Why was he so good at drawing the line with me, but when it came to Missy, he let her march right over him?

I hadn’t thought it would be easy, but I hadn’t anticipated how much our conversation would leave me feeling like shit. I slowly rose to my feet. “Just promise me you’ll think about it. Please.”

His mouth tightened. He raised his cigarette to his lips. “Yeah. Okay.”

There was nothing left to say after that. I stepped toward the door. “Well, goodbye then.”

As I opened the door to go back inside, I heard him say softly from behind me, “Goodbye, Mal.”

❖❖❖

After work, I headed over to the dance studio where we took our barre classes. A class had just ended and another was getting ready to start. I squeezed past the people crowding the small reception area. It didn’t take long to handle what I needed to get done. The curly-haired woman working reception didn’t ask too many questions when I requested canceling my membership. As she informed me, we were still pretty early into the next season, and I could expect to get most of my money back. I felt a pang of regret at leaving behind the little studio that had become so important to me over the last few months, but I needed a clean break. It was time for a new start, and there were plenty of other options to choose from in the city.

It was just as I was thinking this that I opened the door to the stairs leading down to the street and ran into Missy.

Missy wasn’t alone. Danielle was with her, along with another girl with straight-cut bangs I hadn’t seen before. I was taken back to my earlier days of barre, when Missy had seemed like someone far beyond my reach, constantly surrounded by a close-knit circle of beautiful friends. Missy looked as good as she always did, wearing a thin blazer over a leopard print blouse and slim jeans. If she looked a little more tired than usual, her mouth a little more drawn, I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t my imagination.

“Hello,” I said automatically.

Danielle glanced at me. I had told her what I was up to earlier that week, and she didn’t seem surprised to see me on my way out. But Missy stopped me with a hand on my arm.

“Hold on. Just where are you going, Mal?” Missy wanted to know. “Class is going to start soon.”

“I’m done,” I said. “No more barre for me.”

Missy’s eyes flashed. “Oh, yeah? What’s that supposed to mean? First you don’t answer any of my texts, now this? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to cut us out.”

I stared at her, amazed despite myself. Did Missy really not know? I had long stopped thinking of Missy as one of my friends, but it seemed that even though she disliked me and took every opportunity to come after me, she somehow didn’t feel the same.

“This shouldn’t be a surprise, Missy,” I said. “We haven’t been close for a long time, and I need to move on with my life.”

“Move on?” Missy laughed, tossing back her hair. “That sounds rather presumptuous, coming from you.”

I glanced at Danielle and Missy’s new friend, and Missy turned to them. “Go on,” she said, “I’ll meet you in the studio.”

They immediately set off. Danielle gave me one last backward glance, and I mouthed, Text you later. Something that Missy’s sharp eyes noticed instantly.

“You really have some nerve,” Missy said, and now there was no mistaking her anger. It crackled in her voice, making it low and dangerous. “I take you in, give you everything I have to offer, and now you want to cut me out? Who the fuck do you think you are? I made you, bitch.”

“Oh please. You didn’t make me into anything,” I snapped, my temper rising. “And here’s a little reality check for you: if you keep treating everyone who cares about you like shit, you’ll soon have no one left. You do realize you’re not actually a goddess, right?”

Missy slapped me. My cheek lit up with a stinging fire, and for a moment my eyes watered. When my vision cleared, Missy was staring down at me, eyes ablaze with fury, breathing heavily.

“Well, fuck you too,” I said, smiling through gritted teeth. I walked past her, starting down the stairs.

From behind me, I heard Missy shout, “Don’t you dare walk away! I’m not done with you!”

Turning a little, I called over my shoulder, “I’m sorry you seem to be going through some shit. I really am. But I don’t need to stand by and watch you tear everything down with you.”

Missy didn’t say anything after that. I heard her slam the door shut behind me. Heart hammering in my chest, I finished the climb back down to the street level. It felt good to push open the door and step out into the cool spring evening. Adjusting the weight of my tote on my shoulder, I left the studio for the last time.