A small break + explanation + rambling about my feelings

Hello, first of all I hope you’re all healthy and safe atm before I talk about myself, I haven’t posted anything / sent anything for this month yet because I’ve been really depressed for the past few weeks to the point where I’ve been barely opening any social media/I deleted everything except tiktok and YouTube for a bit. I’ve had depression and severe anxiety for years and I don’t like talking about it as it makes me feel really vulnerable but I don’t like making people think I’m just lazing off or neglecting my work but whenever my birthday comes close (May 4th) and the months after up to August I have a constant bad feeling in my body as that was the time my mother was diagnosed with cancer 1 and half years ago and ended passing away in August 2018, whenever these times come I get really sad and all I can manage to make myself do is shower and eat at most but other than that I don’t have the strength to leave my bed or do anything else. Usually I’d be going to therapy or distracting myself with social events (I was really looking forward to Twitchcon as it would’ve been on my birthday this year and would’ve gotten my mind off my constant bad thoughts) but obviously that’s currently not possible with quarintine so being stuck at home with small social interactions/close to none (I honestly barely talk to anyone daily as I’m too mentally tired to even do that) and seeing constant sad news about corona, people dying, close family to me who are really old having been in contact with people with the virus has been making it much worse than usual and it has really affected me. I will try my best to send sets etc in the next week or after, but everything will be done by end of the month at latest, I also am kinda lost because I only have this months cosplay and for the next months I don’t have any as all my orders have been delayed (I put an order for 6 diff cosplays back in January and it still hasn’t arrived..)  so I’m not sure what I will do with that, might have to recycle cosplays or try to see if I can pull something new with what I already own but I will see..

I’m really sorry for delays and stuff, it happens often specially with fansigns and the more it stacks up the worse I feel about it and I feel like I’m in a constant loop of delaying then feeling bad about it then feeling overwhelmed catching up but it’s entirely my fault and I have to get better at dealing with this, I just want to be honest with how I feel and give some explanation why I’m like this because I feel like people just see me as “uwu thigh mcdonald meme egirl” since I’m scared to post personal things as it usually just results in people attacking me with these personal things but I’m also tired of getting messages people being confused how I can be depressed when I’m “so popular” as if that makes me not human or not capable of ever have gone through any hardships when my life was constantly bad until barely half a year ago. 

Again, sorry for delays, I need sometime to get my mind in the right place again and thank you for your support and kind words, I will try better.

P.s sorry if this is written sloppy I’m really bad at writing these type of things