So I owe you guys an explanation (bonus post)

As I explained in the preface to the Chapter Six post, I wanted to do another post today to explain a few things, like why I shut off billing for May and why it has taken me so long (and so much work) to get ch. 6 out for you guys. This is also an opportunity for me to explain my writing process, which you might find interesting.

I was talking to Jackson and Nate on the SA Discord server the other day and explained that I tend to write from my real life as much as I can, and this is especially true for The New Job and Giving Notice. Most of the major and minor characters and scenes I've written are fictionalized versions of things I've experienced in my real life. Let me explain.

You guys know Connie, the drag queen doberman that Max first meets early in The New Job? He's directly based on a former coworker of mine, years ago from when I worked at Books-A-Million. The guy's name was Robbie, and he was a very flamboyant, exuberant gay guy who went to high school with my husband. We worked together at a bookstore in central Georgia, and yet Robbie disarmed people with his charm and was able to get away with being his fabulous, flamboyant self in a way I never could've done. 

For example, I remember one Sunday afternoon when Robbie and I were working together. It was right after church, and we always had a "church crowd" that showed up after services were over, every single Sunday. Well, a little old lady came in wearing her Sunday best, including a giant hat and high heeled shoes. Well, Robbie immediately began fussing over her, charming her, and telling her how much he loved those shoes. This ended with Robbie literally putting her shoes on and dancing on the checkout counter to her enthusiastic laughter. I NEVER could've been that open, and I was always in awe of Robbie. So, every time I write scenes with Connie, I'm imagining Robbie and his alter ego, "Ms. Roberta Sinclaire", that he used to introduce himself to customers as.

Likewise, do you remember the first time Max dined in StartAgain's dining hall, and he was seated in a high chair? I based that on MY high chair that I bought a couple of years ago and painted in bright primary colors. Max's high chair looks JUST like mine!

I do this because I feel like it gives my writing a level of authenticity and richness. Stephen is based on my "idealized" mental image of the "perfect daddy". Corey is what I imagine my ideal best friend/baby bro to be. James Warren is based on a real life trans guy friend of mine.

And it's not just the characters I draw from my real life experiences. Max's difficult, lonely childhood was MY difficult, lonely childhood. Max's very rapid personal growth and learning to accept his ABDL side mirrors my own emotional arc of learning to accept myself and not worrying about what other people might think.

I mention all this, because it ties back into the dreaded "Chapter Six" of Giving Notice. I have absolutely been DREADING writing that chapter, because as with so much else in my books... it's based on something that actually happened to me.

Years and years ago, I found myself alone in Long Beach, California, far away from my family in Florida, and in a relationship with a very abusive ex-boyfriend who tormented me mentally and emotionally, and on more than one occasion, physically. After a couple years living together, I knew that I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer. It was toxic, and it was destroying me. So I made the terrifying decision to leave him. However, I needed back into our apartment to collect my essentials, and I knew that he would absolutely lose his mind when he found out I was leaving.

So, I called the Long Beach police department and requested officer escort into my home to get my belongings. I figured he might still blow up but he wouldn't dare touch me with an officer present. A cop showed up, I explained the situation and that I was leaving an abuser, and he escorted me into our shared apartment. That's when all hell broke loose.

My ex wasn't stupid enough to physically attack me with a cop present, so he opted instead to humiliate me. As I quickly gathered my belongings I couldn't live without and stuffed them into a backpack, he began ranting in front of the cop. "Don't forget your big baby diapers, you freak," he said, throwing packs of diapers at me. "You fucking pedo queer," he said. Things of that nature. I never acknowledged what he said, as I desperately stuffed my bag. The cop stood by and did nothing as my ex humiliated me. The cop stood by and did nothing as my ex approached me and yanked my shorts down, revealing the diaper I was wearing. The cop stood by and did nothing as my ex literally decapitated some of my plush animals while I was trying to pack. The cop stood by and did NOTHING as my ex, in a rage, flipped over the glass and chrome TV stand I was still paying on, shattering the glass shelves and sending shards of glass all over the living room floor.

This was the single most humiliating, damaging experience of my life. The cop who was supposed to be there to protect me did nothing but snicker as my ex went on a rampage, desperate to hurt and humiliate me. I was in and out of our apartment in less than ten minutes, but those were some of the most painful minutes of my entire life.

If you've read the Chapter Six post I made, you can see how the scene between Max and Marcus mirrors what happened to me on that awful day almost 20 years ago. And I knew that this was the direction I wanted to take the novel in, because again I try to write everything from a place of authenticity. So I have been dreading this chapter for literally months.

I wrote Max's first novel, The New Job, in just seventeen short days. But Giving Notice has been much, much harder to progress on because I knew what was coming. I knew I would have to rip open old wounds and I knew that it was going to be very emotionally difficult to go through those memories again. So I have been basically stalling, dragging my feet to put off having to go through that.

However, it WAS worth it. I'm proud of that chapter, as tremendously difficult as it was to write. Marcus is a stand-in for my evil ex, and putting Max (who is basically just me with fur) through that nightmare was so much harder than I even expected it to be. So, if that chapter reads as rushed, that's why. It was all I could do to barrel through and get my thoughts and experiences down. I tried to go back in and flesh out the chapter a bit on the editing pass today, but I fear what's there is as good as it's going to get. So I hope you forgive any failings in the writing that you might come across.

Max is ME, and his life is a rapidly compressed, fictionalized (and in many places, idealized) version of my life. I've struggled for so, so long with not being able to accept my AB side, and for the better part of my adult life I told people that I was just a DL only, someone with a weird kink. Because, in my emotionally damaged and guilt-laden mind, a "weird kink" is far easier to admit to than saying that I wanted to be one of those "lifestyler" people who liked drinking from bottles and acting like a baby.

It was only a few years ago that I finally realized that I was letting my fear of what other people might think of me hold me back, and I began exploring my AB interests more. I started collecting plushies and wearing diapers more often (and for more than just horny feelings). Then, in November of 2016, I realized I'd been wearing diapers 24/7 for a full month. Instead of feeling guilt, I felt proud of myself for going that long, and I decided to keep going. I started my Diaperkiddo youtube channel where I began sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings with my audience, and I discovered quickly that talking about them to strangers actually helped me process them in a healthy way. I began buying fun toys and decor items that suited my little-space aesthetic.

Because I have trouble with sleep apnea (where I stop breathing in my sleep and then start gasping for air), my husband and I have slept apart in separate rooms for years now. I used to sleep on the couch every night, but it was beginning to give me back pain, so I decided to buy myself a twin bed when we decided to move to a larger apartment. I bought the littlest-looking bed I could find, a platform bed with raised sides and stairs that led up to it. Then I started decorating my bedroom with kids decor. I got brightly colored curtains with stars and dinosaurs on them. I began putting my stacks of diapers on display in the shelves under my mattress. I collected Playdoh and Legos and action figures, and I put space themed posters and stickers up on my bedroom walls. I turned my bedroom into a nursery (which, yes, I've modeled Max's nursery on!), and I really started leaning into my little interests.

My wardrobe began growing with more and more toddler-style clothes, and eventually my closet became so full that I donated much of my grown up clothes to a thrift store to make room for more toddler outfits. I spent part of my tax return money on an awesome high chair I found on Etsy and then painted it myself.

The farther I went with accepting my interests in feeling like a toddler, the more natural and comfortable it all came to be. Now I sleep in an awesome little boy's nursery every night, put baby powder scented essential oil in my diffuser to make it smell sweet and wonderful, snuggle with my awesome Brooks (the diapered wolf) pillow every night, and the only time I wear grown up clothes is when I ABSOLUTELY have to, like when I'm going out to visit my family or whenever I have a meeting on Zoom for my dayjob.

And then there's Max. The New Job started as a dream I had one night, about being whisked away into a life where I could be a little boy 24/7. I decided to try to write down everything I could remember of the dream, and that became the first chapter of TNJ. It felt really good to write something that really mattered to me and that accurately reflected who I am and what I like, so I kept going. Seventeen days later, I had eight completed chapters that was almost long enough to be called a novel. I'd posted the chapters on FurAffinity and people really seemed to love them. I began receiving messages commissioning me to write stories and character cameos set in the world of StartAgain, starting with the absolutely amazing Laguna Crale, the first person to ever tell me my writing was worth paying for. I began writing little one-off gift stories for my very dear friends Tyke (formerly Gishy), Jackson and others. The world expanded beyond just the eight chapters I had written, and people really did like it!

I decided to take a HUGE risk and try self-publishing what I had written on Amazon, which took several months of learning how to turn a document into an ebook. During all this, some of my biggest cheerleaders were sharing what I'd written with everyone they could (like Evox, one of my oldest friends in the whole world <3). That exposure got me noticed by the staff of BabyfurCon, who invited me to host a panel about my writing. I have never been more terrified in my life than I was sitting in my high chair in my nursery, with my laptop camera going as I spoke to like 50 people about my writing process and my novel. I decided to use one of the promotion tools Amazon allows for Kindle authors and set my book to be available for free for the duration of the convention, and SEVENTY FIVE PEOPLE downloaded it over that weekend!

And that leads us to today. Because of The New Job, I'm now on staff at BabyfurCon as their official "communications toddler" (yes, that's my actual title!!). I've given an extensive interview for the Furry Writers Guild about my novel and about marketing. And I have you amazing people helping support my writing (and helping me pay for amazing cover art for Giving Notice!)

This has been the most surreal, amazing journey of my life. I always loved creative writing, but I NEVER imagined anyone else would love my stories. I would never have taken a chance on myself if not for the support of some truly incredible friends who believed in me. And now I'm pouring my real life, my most authentic self, my most painful experiences into the story that I'm honored and privileged to share with you guys, the people who believe in me the most.

So, one wall of text later, I just want to say thank you for having faith in me, for joining me in the world of StartAgain. And I want to apologize for taking so long with this sequel novel, though I hope you understand now why it has been so difficult to progress.

I can honestly say with all my heart that, if you have read The New Job and are reading along with Giving Notice, you know me better now than anyone else outside of my husband. Because those words on the page are literally me. They are who I am in the most honest and direct way I can offer you. Reading through Max's adventures is like being allowed to wander around inside my brain unsupervised. And, though parts of this process have been incredibly painful and difficult to experience, it has been incredibly healing and beautiful. So, genuinely, thank you so much for believing in me. This is a feeling I have never experienced before in my 42 years on this earth, and it touches my heart in ways I cannot possibly ever tell you. I love you guys fiercely, and I honestly hope that you'll continue to enjoy my writing for a long time to come.