Chapter 127: Healed... kinda

I can move!

I can see!

I CAN FIGHT!

“Derek! Calm down!”

“NO!”

“We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile, you idiot!” Riary hissed.

“Fuck you!”

“WHAT?!”

I could hear the indiginant squawk of Riary behind me and could practically feel the air getting superheated but I didn’t care.

A week. A whole week being carried through a jungle, unable to move, to do anything, except being healed and fed. And now it was over. All my limbs were back, all my wounds healed, all my missing pieces like my horns and wings and tail back where they belong.

I was finally FREE!

“BWHAHAHA!”

“DEREK!” Tyler yelled but I was having none of it.

I passed by a tree, a nice thick one, and cut it to ribbons with my claws and tails as I passed by. And another and another. I could feel the wind passing me by, my heart beating like a drum, my legs pumping, my lungs burning. Everything became so slow in comparison, so… was there a word for time stopped by moving through speed alone? It was such a familiar feeling, so enjoyable, so… beautiful.

Leaves barely moved, my clothes were more like solid weighs than fabric, and it was like I was the only being in a world that had frozen.

B-Rank… it changed everything. I could move so, so much faster. It brought back the memories of Rinkaru but these ones were… good. Good memories. Memories of survival. Memories of dodging in ways that no human ever could, in ways no superhuman ever could. I’d firmly planted myself in the realm of ‘anime bullshit’ and considering I’d nearly been torn apart because of what was apparently literally called Ki… I was feeling pretty justified in taking some enjoyment out of new speed.

I knew people developed along certain paths but… this was crazy. It’s not like I’d run for a living before I’d got here. But… in another way, it made sense. I was strong, sure, but… everything, every time, all of the time, had always come down to how fast I could move. It meant everything to me. It was the only true joy and ecstasy I’d felt since coming here, besides sex, and sex always came as a bit of mixed bag.

Especially now.

I shook that thought off. I don’t, it wasn’t… I wanted to enjoy this right now, while I still could.

Turning back around, I could see my teammates way off into the distance, see a weak group of monsters that had come to attack us, and enjoyed the slow motion fight. Tyler shielding, Konohora hitting, Riary burning, but it was so different when they seemed to move in tens of seconds what should have been single ones. The look of concentration and worry on Tyler’s face, the slight furrow from Konohora, Riary’s ‘I’m annoyed and thus really angry’ face. It was all so beautiful.

I ran back, jumping as I did so. My feet landed squarely against a branch above and I launched myself forward. Like a missile hitting a wall, I exploded through a monster, my tail cutting it’s head off and my body diving through where the space had been, coating myself in blood.

Old unnatural instincts flared to life, my demonic blood wanting to bathe in blood, murder, and destruction. I let it, I fully let it. I was so… tired. Of it All. Of everything. I wanted to be happy and free. There was no harm in enjoying myself for now, enjoying the feeling of running and dancing, of fighting and killing. I needed it.

I needed it. Because I needed to put away the horror for a little while longer. Last a little while longer. Stay together. Needed… needed… to not…. Break….

“Derek!”

I snapped out of it.

“What?”

“Derek… are you okay?” Tyler was looking at me and I only now realized… I had been cutting up a dead monster, over and over and over again. Like a machine. Claw marks had torn it apart like a monster while there were clear sections where it looked like a precision blade had swept through. My tail. I was covered in blood again, the spare clothes I’d borrowed from Tyler already filthy.

I hadn’t even realized.

Because everything was wrong. So wrong. So so wrong-

“Yeah Tyler.” I distantly heard a voice saying. It took me a second to realize it was mine. “I’m okay. Just needed a bit of stress relief. I’m gonna scout on ahead, okay?”

It was like my words had come from a different mouth, like I was hearing them underwater.

“Wait-”

I didn’t wait. I didn’t even look at Konohora either. There was no hiding I wasn’t really okay but I couldn’t… I can’t… tell them. I can’t tell them how I really feel. What’s really bothering. Why I’m barely holding it together. Why everything feels so wrong. How I want to die.

No no, focus focus focus. Running, fighting, moving. Only that, focus on only that.

Just need to get the hell out of this stupid dungeon. Get away, away. Away.

Just need to get away, up up up. Get away and find that stupid potion. Now, right now. Need a lead, a lead, any lead. Just need to find something. Anything.

Before I lose this fight.

*****

“Derek…” Tyler didn’t even know what he was going to say. He simply watched as Derek ran at speeds he knew he was nowhere close to matching. Ever since becoming B-Rank, he’d felt strong. But only as a Tank. He felt like nothing could block him. And now that Konohora had (painfully) reset and healed him up, he had briefly felt like everything was going to be alright. Derek was fully up again, everyone was healed, everything was going to be alright.

And then Derek had sprinted off, over and over again.

And when they got into fights, he dashed through the enemies and just kept moving, never slowing down, over and over again.

And then he would sometimes just stop. Just stop and stare blankly out into jungle, eyes and expression blank and dead. Not taking in anything, not seeing, only thinking. Lost inside his mind. Over. And over. Again.

And now he was mindlessly tearing apart the corpses of already dead monsters.

Derek was not okay.

“What’s…. What’s wrong with him?” Tyler asked in horror. He’d been watching but only now did he feel like he had to ask the question. He’d been trying to ignore it, give him space and time but this was… this was… way too much right?

“PTSD.” Riary immediately said in a tone of voice that had shivers of horror running up Tyler’s spine. He’d never heard Riary sound so… old. Weary. Tired and so incredibly sad.

He turned back to her, to see that her expression matched her voice. He’d seen so many emotions, so many looks on Riary, but never… that. It was a depth of understanding and pure misery that scared him. In that moment, she more resembled his grandpa talking about vietnam then his girlfriend.

“What?”

“Tyler…” Riary said, looking at him. The weight of her gaze felt heavy. “He nearly died. And it wasn’t like with that vampire bitch. He… he was nearly torn to nothing but shreds. You could argue he was torn to nothing but shreds… he’s not alright. He’s not going to be alright for a long, long time.”

“It’s more than that.” Konohora spoke up.

Both of them turned to her. Riary raised an eyebrow.

“More?”

“Yes… I can see it. Hidden depths. There’s a… an old pain screaming in him, metaphorically.” Konohora said, her eyes locked onto Derek’s distant figure.

“What… what on earth does that mean? Wait, what do you mean you can see it?”

“I am a healer second, a Truth Priestess first. My ability to know what is false and what is not has improved with my rank up. And when I look at Derek…”

Konohora grimaced, staring at that distant figure. And the almost physical and anguished specter screaming behind him. There was a secret there, a Hidden Truth, long locked away. Konohora knew of this trait, of being able to see the Truth of people, their innermost secrets, desires, wishes, and more. She had just never expected to join these ranks any time soon, potentially ever. And now that she had…

“...I see an old pain come to haunt him again.”

The scars on its form were old, words she couldn’t make out lingered in her mind as she stared at it, information almost but not quite within her reach. It would take time to understand this new sense, especially as she could see similar but vastly different specters representing truths arising from Tyler and Riary.

But she did take note of one thing of Derek’s hidden pain.

It’s eyes were piercingly blue.

*****

I nearly cried. The stairs, god damn stairs, they were finally fucking here. It had still taken days to get to the entrance and then all the way back to the exit. I’d had to wait for the others longer than I’d like and what’s worse was it was getting worse.

My ability was killing me.

Every single moment, of every single second, of every single god damn minute, hour, and day, I could feel myself. Down to my deepest levels. My own experiences were killing me. My body was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

I couldn’t ignore it, because my damn Analyze was bolted into my brain. Or maybe my soul.

I could feel the ‘power’ of my muscles, my heartbeat, my blood, my organs, my claws, tail, my skin and bones. Every single little thing, glaringly, shouting, in my brain. Running and fighting only helped so much. Forcing a natural smile hurt like hell. There was no, permanent relief. I felt like I was going to go insane. And there was no, no salvation waiting or anything like that. The dungeon exit had just been an ideal goal to force myself not to acknowledge the reality of the world.

That I’m stuck like this.

Imagine waking up and finding yourself in the body of a cockroach. That was exactly what it had been like. And I’d won. I’d beaten this before. This, horrible body dysmorphia. Even managed to separate out certain ‘parts’ so that things went more smoothly. I’d been happy, back on earth. Long accepted, long buried.

Beat it when I was a teenager.

Beat it in my early twenties.

Even defeated it when I first realized my eyes were gone.

Now, it had arisen again but my stupid Analyze was screaming 24/7 exactly how my body felt, was, acted, and looked like. It had only grown stronger in B-Rank. My definition and… well… concept of power had grown. It was almost more a sphere of perception now, than anything. And that was too much right now. I couldn’t, I couldn’t take all three things.

My body torn apart.

My body rebuilt.

My body screaming its existence into my brain.

It was like someone tore open an old wound, poured salt on it, then lit it on fire and blew it up for good measure.

Curse you Rinkaru. Fucking curse you and your shitty fucking life.

If I’d just ranked up, I could’ve dealt with. If I’d just suffered grievous body damage that needed to be healed, I’d have managed even if it hit me hard. But I’d been there, aware, as both had joined together and Konohora had barely kept me alive.

It was too much and there was no convenient soul-mental barrier to block it off. This was purely in the realm of my mind.

All said, getting out of the dungeon, I excepted a lot. Mostly, to finally realize my ‘goal’ was pointless and that I’d crash and burn, sobbing and becoming a mentally broken wreck for who knows how long. I’d put it at even odds for sobbing like a maniac and screaming like I was being lit on fire.

So I was really, really surprised to see our team manager Kasandra at the entrance, in all her brick house, broad as fuck glory.

“Ah, I knew my senses were right for this kinda thing. Phew. Honestly, I was startin’ ta think you were all dead. That woulda been bad. I’d probably been next.”

Seeing Kasandra was a surprise. Seeing a giant hole in the side of one of the skyscraper trees, with a clearly burnt section of it, was a lot more.

Tyler spoke up before I did.

“What happened?! Are we under attack?!”

“Hmm? Oh that. Nah. Xilvia and… well, let’s just say y’all should probably go talk to her. I’ve been here for weeks now and I ain’t leaving till ya do, so cut me some slack here.”

I blinked at that.

“But why?” Riary said, sounding as confused as I felt.

“Look, it ain’t no big thing. Wait, no, scratch that out. It ain’t nothing to worry about. Problem handled and all. Well…” Kasandra put one of her giant fists against her chin. “Just go and get at her. She’ll either explain or she won’t. All you’s gotta know is that if I ain’t here when y’all go talk to her, this town ain’t gonna be on the map no more. So go on now, I’m fuckin sick of this area. Too damn dangerous for my blood anymore.”

Four looks of confusion answered that, but ultimately, I shrugged. Context clues were clear, something went down and Xilvia was at the middle of it. That made me feel… great actually. I truly believed she had my best interests in mind… kinda. There was just something… about her. Like she’d…. destroy a city… if it meant… helping me…

Oh no.