Latex demon sketch pg14-17
Added 2024-08-30 20:55:39 +0000 UTCManage to get 4 more pages before the end of the month.
As always any help with gramamr and dialouge or any suggestion are apperaicate!
Comments
Thank you! Sorry fo not reply I'll fix the text in sketch soon.
ibenz009
2024-09-17 17:20:33 +0000 UTCFormat: Original quote ↴ Modified quote with [notes] ↴ Modified quote without notes. Notes shown in [square brackets] Multiple possible modifications shown in {curly brackets / braces} ―――――――――― Fang: "Gah! Why... Why is it so enormous!? I can't fight with these thing flopping around!" ↴ “Gah! Why are they [Plural; there’s two of them] so enormous!? I can’t fight with these things [plural] flopping {about / around}.” [‘flopping around’ is perfectly valid, however, ‘[verb] about’ is more common for more chaotic actions.] ↴ “Gah! Why are they so enormous!? I can’t fight with these things flopping {about / around}. Fang: "Dammit. My ass too!" Tail: "Fufufu, your mana are so abundant I have to store it somewhere." ↴ “Fufufu, your mana is [‘mana’ is uncountable, therefore ‘is’, not ‘are’.] so {abundant, I / abundant that I} {must / need to} [‘have to’ is okay, ‘must’ or ‘need to’ is better.] store it somewhere.” ↴ “Fufufu, your mana is so {abundant, I / abundant that I / abundant so I} {must / need to} store it somewhere.” Fang: "It's so tight! I can feel my body rubbing again this damn leather every time I move!" ↴ “It’s so tight! I can feel my body rubbing against [typo’d] this damn leather every time I move!” ↴ “It’s so tight! I can feel my body rubbing against this damn leather every time I move!” Fang: "Dammit! How did it end up like this!? I suppose to slay this wretched demon. Instead I've became its replacement!" ↴ “Dammit! [Consider replacing. This curse was used on the same page a mere few lines ago and variety is the spice of life. ‘Curses’, or something.] How did it end up like this!? I was supposed [Past tense] to slay this wretched demon, [Join clauses] instead I’ve become [Tense change! The previous clause was referring to the past, this one is referring to the present tense] its replacement!” ↴ “Dammit! How did it end up like this!? I was supposed to slay this wretched demon, instead I’ve become its replacement!” Tail: "Isn't it romantic, dear? To hold eachother tight like this." ↴ “Isn’t it romantic, dear? To hold each other [‘each other’ is two words.] tight like this{? / .}” [Rhetorical question. In this instance, I think a question mark works better, but a period is just as valid.] ↴ “Isn’t it romantic, dear? To hold each other tight like this{? / .}” Tail: "Our magical energy mixing merging together more and more." ↴ “Our magical energy mixing, [List of stuff, use commas to separate items] merging together more and more.” ↴ “Out magical energy mixing, merging together more and more.” Fang: "Shut it, demon! I don't need your crap right now!" Bernard: "Well well"↴ “Well, well.” Bernard: "Who would have though..." ↴ “Who would have thought…” [typo’d] ↴ “Who would have thought…” Bernard: "That heretic brute is now wearing the a face of fair maiden." ↴ “That {heretic brute would wear / the heretic brute now wears} [Same meaning, different semantics. I’d say go with the former (more comparative), but you could argue either-or ‘til the cows come home.] the face of a [Singular countable noun, needs an article] fair maiden.” ↴ “That {heretic brute would wear / the heretic brute now wears} the face of a fair maiden.” Bernard: "Demon's vile magic is truly frightened." ↴ “The {demons’ vile / vile demon} [The former is magic from demons that is vile, while the latter is ‘demon magic’ (i.e., not necessarily magic just from demons, but magic classified as such) that is vile. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.] magic is truly frightening.” [I don’t think it’s the magic that is frightened.] ↴ “The {demons’ vile / vile demon} magic is truly frightening.” Fang: "Wait! Chruch Clan I...!" ↴ “Wait! Church Clan I…!” Bernard: "Silence fiend!" ↴ “Silence, fiend!” [Comma before addressing.] ↴ “Silence, fiend!” Bernard: "Rather than facing death with dignity. You form a pact with a demon instead." ↴ “Rather than face [It’s ‘face’ in this context] death with dignity, [Join dependent clause] you formed a pact with {the / a} [Arguably, they know which specific demon it was (there was only one there) so ‘the’ (a specific demon) makes more sense than ‘a’ (any demon), but they both work.] demon instead.” ↴ “Rather than face death with dignity, you formed a pact with {the / a} demon instead.” [So, commas. You might have noticed I occasionally insert them in the middle of sentences, this is because sentences are comprised one or more clauses and we need to either break them into separate sentences or join them correctly otherwise you end up with long unruly run-on sentences, like this one. But what is a clause? Technical and boring; all that’s usually taught in English is that 1) a clause has a subject (sometimes implicit (i.e., not mentioned)), 2) a clause has a verb, 3) every sentence has at least one clause. A sentence that has only 1 is a ‘simple sentence’, and ones that have many* are ‘complex sentences’. More specifically, a complex sentence is comprised of at least 1 ‘dependent clause’ and 1 ‘independent clause’. Oh no, more terms! Very simply, an independent clause is one that can stand by itself whereas dependent clauses, uh, /depend/ on another clause. Let’s consider the sentence(s) used above. ‘You formed a pact with a demon instead’ is independent. It can stand by itself and make sense. Compare that to ‘rather than facing death with dignity’. It’s unfinished, unresolved. Dependent. It requires another clause; we need to join them. If the /independent/ clause comes after the /dependent/ clause, as was the case here, we just need to insert a comma between the two, as I have proposed. Conversely, if the /dependent/ clause comes after the /independent/ clause, we could use a comma, or we can use a conjunction, words which join clauses. I had proposed this case in an earlier sentence—'[Y]our mana is so {abundant, I / abundant that I} must store it somewhere.’ —here, the /independent/ clause—'your mana is so abundant’—comes before the /dependent/ clause—'I must store it somewhere’—, so we can use a comma—'your mana is so abundant, I must store it somewhere’—or your choice of conjunction: ‘Your mana is so abundant that I must store it somewhere.’ ‘Your mana is so abundant so must store it somewhere.’ ‘Your mana is so abundant, and I must store it somewhere.’ (Sometimes a comma is still inserted) Etc.] Bernard: "You will not sway me with your pretty face, monster!" Fang: "You bastard! I became liked this because of you!" ["You" is cutoff by page edge] ↴ “You bastard! I became like this because of you!” Tail: "Dear, I don't think he will listen." Fang: "Dammit I'm not a demon!" ↴ “Dammit, I’m not a demon!” Bernard: "Now that you are no longer human. I have all the right to slay you now, heretic." ↴ “Now that you are no longer human, [Join dependent clause] I have all the right to slay you, heretic.” [Drop the ‘now’, you used it at the start of the sentence.] ↴ “Now that you are no longer human, I have all the right to slay you, heretic.” Fang: "You son of a...!" Bernard(?): "I call upon Goddess Light!" ↴ “I call upon {the Goddess’ Light / my Goddess’ Light / Goddess Light}.” [Technically, you don’t need the article, if it’s a proper noun. But, this is a specific instance of a group of that proper noun, so we need a qualifier that can be an article or his Goddess’ (see also: ‘You activated my Trap Card’). In this case, ‘the’ would be the most logical.] ↴ “I call upon {the Goddess’ Light / my Goddess’ Light / Goddess Light}/” Fang: "Kyaaa!!" Bernard: "Now men attack!" ↴ “Now men, attack!” Fang: "Ahh!" ???: "Ha! Newly born demon are easy prey!" ↴ “Ha! Newly born demons [all newly born demons, so plural] are easy prey!” ↴ “Ha! Newly born demons are easy prey!” Tail: "You awful awful human! How dare you gang up on defenless woman!? And you call yourself a knight!? ↴ “You awful, [List of items, comma] awful human! How dare you gang up on a [Countable singular noun, needs an article.] defenseless [typo’d] woman!? And you call yourself a knight!?” ↴ “You awful, awful human! How dare you gang up on a defenseless woman!? And you call yourself a knight!?” Tail: "Shame on you! Look at her pretty hair all ruined!" ↴ “Shame on you! Look at her pretty hair, [Join clauses] all ruined!” ↴ “Shame on you! Look at her pretty hair, all ruined!” ???: "Hmpf! Look at you, can't even bleed and you call yourself a human!?" Tail: "Oh no! Darling, you mana are begining to leak that what you get for taking Goddess magic head on!" ↴ “Oh no! Darling, your mana is [‘mana’ is uncountable] beginning [typo’d] to leak! [Split sentences] That’s what you get for taking {the Goddess / a Goddess / Goddess} magic [Is ‘Goddess magic’ from a specific goddess known to all? Then 1. Is ‘Goddess magic’ from a goddess, but there are many goddesses? Then 2. Is ‘Goddess magic’ a classification of magic and doesn’t actually belong to anyone? Then 3.] head-on.” [‘head-on’ is hyphenated.] ↴ “Oh no! Darling, your mana is beginning [typo’d] to leak! That’s what you get for taking {the Goddess / a Goddess / Goddess} magic head-on.” Tail: "Come dear. I'll heal our skin real quick!" ↴ “Come dear, I’ll heal our skin real quick!” ???: "The leather begin to grow back!" ↴ “The leather is beginning [Present tense] to grow back!” ↴ “The leather is beginning to grow back!” Fang: "What is this feeling..." Fang: "Why being wrab inside this leather feel so safe and warm." ↴ “Why does being wrapped inside this leather feel so safe and warm.” Fang: "I feel like a maiden being protect by her faitful knight." ↴ “I feel like a maiden being protected by her faithful [typo’d] knight.” ↴ “I feel like a maiden being protected by her faithful knight.” Fang: "Ahhh my heart are pounding." ↴ “Ahhh, my heart is [I hope they only have one heart. Well, literally speaking, I think they have zero currently.] pounding.” ↴ “Ahhh, my heart is pounding.” Fang: "Ugh!" Fang: "Hah! Hah! What in the name of Spirit is coming out of my head!" ↴ “Hah! Hah! What in the name of the Spirit {They’re referring to a specific Spirit. So ‘the’.} is {happening in my head / am I thinking / coming out of my head}!” [I presume you were inspired by the phrase ‘coming out of one’s mouth’, but to come out of something requires it to, well, leave. And nothing is leaving their head.] ↴ “Hah! Hah! What in the name of the Spirit is {happening in my head / coming out of my head}!” Fang: "No, this isn't happening."
trigger_portal_cleanser
2024-08-31 04:08:47 +0000 UTCreject embrace demon
Cylestea
2024-08-30 22:32:23 +0000 UTCif you have all the dialogue in a text file or word doc or whatever, i'd be happy to edit/quality check it for you
Katelyn Gadd
2024-08-30 22:07:47 +0000 UTCOne small typo, you put chruch clan
Blackstripes 08
2024-08-30 21:24:53 +0000 UTCThis just keeps getting better.
Benjamin Francis
2024-08-30 21:24:09 +0000 UTCthose big breasts are not for fighting, make love not war!
D Banks
2024-08-30 21:06:41 +0000 UTCReject the light, return to latex!
StarGazer
2024-08-30 20:58:30 +0000 UTC
