Liliraune comic sketch p15-17
Added 2020-06-23 14:45:18 +0000 UTCOk the sketch are finally done now the hard part begin.
Have to cut a few idea because of the lenght.
Well you know it if you are feel like to fix my bad english or change dialouge to sound more netural feel free to post it in the comment. I thank you for all your help.
Comments
I love that epilogue xD
Roxanne Giling
2020-06-25 08:30:47 +0000 UTCPatreon comments are kinda janky. Not sure if this will be a double-post or not. 17.1.1 By some miracle the flower [botched / bungled] the transformation process. Bitter (love) rivals Anna and Lucia are now stuck together (forever) in perpetual disharmony. 17.1.2 GYAHHHHHHH I said *WHAT*?! I did *THAT*!! ...with *HER*?! Please (just) kill MEEEE!!! 17.1.3 You will regret this, you overgrown weed. Mark my words. 17.1.4 After they proved (to be) harmless, the villagers brought them back to town. The girls did manage to gift their beloved with the delicious nectar they sought, but since the entire village also partook, it didn't count for much. {strictly speaking town != village, but I think "back to town" works generally as "back to civilization" and it helps break up the word repetition that would otherwise result} 17.1.5 After a few months word got around and they became a (minor) tourist attraction, much to their mutual embarrassment. 17.1.6 But sometimes, late at night, Anna slips back into her ["sexy" / lustful / lascivious] persona. And although Lucia would never admit it, she secretly enjoys their [moonlight fornication / twilight trysts]... {twilight != "late at night", but it does rhyme with tryst, which is a fun word so... I dunno}
Asani
2020-06-24 05:56:19 +0000 UTC16.1.1 Stop! Where do you think you are touching?! 16.1.3 Yes! Let me hear [your cute scream / that cute scream of yours]. or Yes! You're so cute when you [scream / protest / struggle]. 16.4.1 Huh? We're still stuck in the flower? 16.4.2 Are you back to normal...finally? {I think it flows better to have Anna respond to Lucia's previous question first in this panel, and then combine Lucia's two lines after that.} 16.5.1 What are you talking about? 16.5.2 You don't remember last night? Think harder(, dummy). 16.6.1 Ah, it's starting to come back to me.
Asani
2020-06-24 03:55:08 +0000 UTCx.y.z = page.panel.text_bubble not present = no change () = optional [] = pick one {} = comments 15.1.1 This is so humiliating! 15.2.1 That's right, Lucia, become my other half. [We are one!! / Join with me!!] {symmetrical docking FTW} 15.3.1 No... My body... I'm a monster girl (now). 15.3.2 I hate this but it feels incredible. 15.3.3 Somehow [I'm still sane / I managed to stay sane]. Looks like the pleasure overwhelmed Anna though, since she ended end up [like that / lust-crazed and even more of a fool]. 15.4.1 Oh, are you still resisting? Let me love you more then. {My god, Anna's face... so good! 😋} 15.4.2 Gah, you're still not done?! 15.5.1 Of course not, silly girl. 15.5.2 After all, [we have / we'll be spending] the rest of our [life / lives] together. {"life" kinda works as a subtle nod to them being a single entity now, but otherwise "lives" sounds more natural} 15.5.3 No, Anna, please come back! (I can't believe I miss the real you.)
Asani
2020-06-24 03:54:32 +0000 UTCibenz update days do me like Anna does Lucia here 🥰, albeit without all the adorable complaining and faux protests. Attached are my edits, finally:
Asani
2020-06-24 03:54:17 +0000 UTCI’d love to see a full color version of this comic... great work
Alfredo
2020-06-23 22:12:52 +0000 UTCI was almost positive that this would end up like the other ones, but god do I love this ending where there are just 2 personas now for her, that’s hilarious. I suppose this is a good ending, despite the fact that those two are kinda stuck together lol
TheMotionHero
2020-06-23 17:39:49 +0000 UTCWell. at least they are still sane...so it's a good ending, yes? 555 (lol) I've followed your work for a long time. This is the first time you draw as a love-comedy(?) comic. The character's facial expression is very cute and so much hilarious! 5555 your work looks great of all time ibenz-san!! Thanks for your hard work!! Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ
beginneroom
2020-06-23 17:02:45 +0000 UTCPlease find some spelling and grammer corrections for the panels below. I've also taken a couple of Stargazer's suggestions for the narration. Page 15 Panel 1 This is so humiliating Panel 2 Yes Lucia, become my other half, become one with me!! AHHHHHH Panel 3 No... my body... I'am a monster girl I hate it but it feels so good I managed to stay sane. Though it looks like Anna has been overwhelmed by the pleasure and she's turned out like that Panel 4 Oh you still resisting? Let us continue then! Gah, you still not done!? Panel 5 Of course silly girl After all we have the rest of our life together No, Anna, Please come back! Page 16 Panel 1 Stop where do you think you're touching Nooo Stop Stop Yes let me hear your cute scream AHHHHHHHHHHHH Panel 3 Yawnnnnn What a weird dream Panel 4 Huh, we're still stuck in the flower? You're... back to normal? Panel 5 You don't remember last night? What are you talking about? Think harder. Panel 6 Huh... It's starting to come back to me Panel 7 Oh God... Oh No... Oh Shit... Page 17 Panel 1 By some miracle the flower managed to mess up the transformation process. Both Lucia and Anna, the bitter love rivals, are now stuck together GYAHHHHHHH What did I say, who is that NOOOO and I did it with GYAHH PLEASE KILL MEEEE! You're gonna regret this you overgrown weed... mark my words... After they proved to be harmless the villagers brought the pair back to the village. The girls did manage to give their love interest their delicious nectar but the whole village also received it so it kind of didn't count. After a few months they became a tourist attraction much to their embaressment. Sometimes Anna slips back into her lust addled state at night, pulling Lucia into their flower to the experience the pleasure of the flesh. And while Lucia claims to hate it, her moaning suggests otherwise...
Arbiter
2020-06-23 16:23:08 +0000 UTCNice
Jacob Barboza
2020-06-23 15:20:27 +0000 UTCI can’t wait to see it fully edited and colored :3
Rökkr Ragnarok
2020-06-23 15:05:00 +0000 UTCSorry about that. Thank you for your help!
ibenz009
2020-06-23 15:02:19 +0000 UTCOkay I see a couple major grammar and spelling issues... 1) “I managed to stay sane. Looks like Anna are overwhelm by pleasure she turn on like that.” Here’s a better way of putting it... “I managed to stay sane. Looks like Anna was overwhelmed by pleasure, making her turned on like that.” Or “I managed to stay sane. Looks like Anna is overwhelmed by pleasure, making her turned on like that” And the worse case... “After they prove to be harmless the village bring them back to the village. The girls manage to gift they love interest they delicious Nectar. The whole village also receive it so it kinad doesn’t count. After a few months they kinda become tourist attraction much to they embarrassment” Sooooo many things wrong here! Here’s a better way to put it where the tenses work... “After they proved to be harmless, the villagers brought them back to the village. The girls managed to gift him their love interest their delicious nectar... However the whole village also received it so it kinda didn’t count. After a few months they kinda became a tourist attraction, much to their embarrassment” Otherwise I love how it went!~ amazing story~
Rökkr Ragnarok
2020-06-23 15:00:13 +0000 UTCI found the ending to be hilarious! It's really good! I'll offer some grammer and spelling shortly unless one of the other patrons does so first :)
Arbiter
2020-06-23 14:57:05 +0000 UTCAmazing work can’t wait to see it in colour.
CrazedGamma1721
2020-06-23 14:52:06 +0000 UTCWell, here we go again; P15 Anna: Yes, becoming my other half, let us be one~ Lucia: I hate this so much, but it feels so good... At least's my mind is still the same, maybe Anna has become overcome by lust, it would explain why she's behaving so differently... Lucia: What?! You're still not done? No... Anna, stay back! P16 Lucia: No stop! Don't move your hands there! Seriously Anna, I'm gonna.... Anna: Go on my little flower, do it... Anna: Huh? We're still stuck in the flower? Lucia: You're.... back to normal? Anna: No, hold on. It's coming back to me... P17 Anna: GYYYAAGGGHHHHH! I'm a woman for god's sake! I'm not some trophy to parade about! Lucia: You're gonna regret this you pile of weed, mark my word Narration: In a strange twist of events, the flower did not complete it's transformation. As a result, while Lucia and Anna retain their memories, the two long rivals are two stuck together. After being proven to be harmless, the villager who found them brought them back to the village. Though both girls managed to give their loves the nectar, the whole town now has a steady supply of it in them. Making their efforts to find it rather pointless After a few months, both girls have now ended up as a tourist attraction. People from far and wide visiting them for more of their nectar. Much to their embarrassment. Even more embrrassing, Anna still slips back into her lust minded state at night, pulling Lucia into their flowery prison the experience the pleasure of the flesh. And while Lucia claims to hate it, her moaning and screaming suggest otherwise...
StarGazer
2020-06-23 14:50:31 +0000 UTCImpressive and Awesome work!!!!
MoralHazard
2020-06-23 14:47:20 +0000 UTC
