#1256 The God of Expediency 

Foolish Zeus hath failed... 

A useless dolt, verily. Even after I did lend him mine aid. 
To think he was swallowed up by the Cthulhu I had bestowed upon him, vanishing into the Abyss with it, ere he could bring forth so much as a measure of Chaos... 

Hm? Why did I lend aid unto Zeus, thou askest? 

Ha! Foolish one, what meaning is there in such a question? 

Why?  
For what cause? 

Base creatures such as thou art ever wont to seek reasons.  
They deem every act and every happening must needs have some right and proper cause. How utterly ridiculous. 

If I must speak, ‘tis only this: I move to shatter such paltry conceits. 

Reason? Principle? Truth? 
Pah! What worth have such things? 

This world, nay, all the worlds, are turned by Chaos without cause. 
And I am its very emblem, its incarnation, proof that there is no Truth, save for one absolute Truth: that Truth itself doth not exist. 

My urging of Zeus in this latest matter was naught but another outpouring thereof. 
The man’s wrath, lacking all righteousness, his hatred naught but the extremity of spite were sport enough for the God of Chaos. 

Aye, sheer whimsy. 

That I did grant him Cthulhu, and didst prompt their fusion, was but a passing fancy: “Would it not be amusing so?” That was all. 
Whether he should use that power to stand again atop the world, or drive his dominion into collapse, mattered not. 
The end, to one such as I, embodiment of Chaos, mattereth least of all. 
What thrill there is lies in confusion, in the uncertainty of what cometh next! 

...Hm? Thou wouldst ask who I am?  
That I should name myself first, lest all be cast into confusion? 

Fuhahahahahahaha! Fool, fool! 
Confusion is welcome indeed, for I most dearly love it! 

I am the God of Chaos, who is called by many names. 
The Crawling Chaos. The Faceless God. The Black Pharaoh. “The Sun saith, Burn O CHAOS.” 

Yet my true nature is this... 
The most wicked and loathsome incarnation of Chaos. 

A Great Old One, I am Nyarlatho...! 

“Thrice-Great Hermes Kick!!!” 

Gubodobageraahhhhhhh! 

Pain?! Did one kick me?! 
A dropkick of meteoric force hath smitten the visage of Nyarlathotep the Faceless God, by whose hand?! 

“...Tch. Still lively, eh? Then mayhap I should drive thy face into the ground with a Ninefold-Great Hermes Punch?” 

What?! Who art thou?! 

“I am Hermes, God of Wisdom, mind of Olympus, at thy service.” 

Olympian?! 
So the gods themselves did perceive mine existence, the Crawling Chaos?! 

“Grow not overbold, thou outlandish godhead sprung from mad myth! I am Hermes, herald of the gods, but also their spy and counter-spy! And counter-espionage is mine especial province!” 

So that is how thou didst scent out the stirrings of Nyarlathotep?! 
Nay, thou didst even track my dwelling and come hither to assail me?! 

“The Chaos God Nyarlathotep, wanderer without home, who doth at whiles appear unheralded within a world, unleashing false miracles unfitting to his nature, spreading Chaos for Chaos’ sake. And ever without meaning...” 

Hmph! ‘Tis the existence of meaning in Chaos that is absurd! 

O Hermes of Olympus, now I see. Amongst those who did smite Zeus, thy form was absent. So ‘twas because thou didst hunt me apart! 

Worthy indeed art thou to be called one of heaven’s tricksters. 

“Nay, I do protest! To be ranked with thee and Loki is the most grievous insult. Dost not recall? Most of my tales art spent mending the follies of Father Zeus or Lady Hera! Trickster, quotha!” 

That is no concern of mine. 

“Nyar-Nyar-Scallop!” 

Nyarlathotep, if thou please. 

“This escape of Zeus... we have traced its hidden hand to thee. With thy godhead thou didst pierce Brother Hephaestus’ seal, infiltrated, and bestowed upon Father Zeus that deep god of Chaos, was it not thy doing?!” 

As expected of the God of Wisdom, all is clear unto thee. 

...Aye, ‘twas I! 
Chaos and confusion...every act that shattereth order is the work of Nyarlathotep! 

That Zeus raged mightily! 
Stripped of power, bound, cast low! 

Though all were wrought by his own arrogance, he yet deemed it unjust! How laughably proud! 

Yet such a fool was fit to be my pawn.  
For mine own sport I set him dancing, and dance he did! 

“Why wouldst thou do such a thing?! Zeus joined with the Outer God could well have swallowed all the world! Had not yon Saint by fortune been there, all had perished!” 

Hermes’ brow doth furrow... 

“Even the thought alone sends shivers down my spine.” 

Bah, and if that world had perished, what matter? 

My purpose? How laughable! 

Thou knowest well that I have no purpose! 
My nature is Chaos! All must be muddled, none fixed nor firm! Such is the world as it should be! 

Whim rules all. Aye, whimsy is the only Truth! 

By whim I act, by whim I reason, by whim I am moved! 
Whim is the rightful manner of Nyarlathotep! 

Ye who be bound by principle and law may ne’er comprehend! 

 For Whim itself is the most exalted law of all things- 

“Seven-and-Twentyfold-Great Hermes Lariat!” 

Gubeeeehhhhh?! 

My neck?! What force! As though torn asunder! 

“Thou dost prattle of whim again and again... Dost thou not see that thy so-called whim hath made thee the most convenient of characters?!” 

Gurgghhh?!  
What?! That I am... convenient?! 

“What else! With omniscience and omnipotence, yet motive none but whim, thou art easier to wield than any!” 

Easy to wield?! 
Me?! 

“Every action explained away by whim! No need for reason! And with the power of a Great Old One besides! Dost thou not see? Thou art the most useful tool for spinning tales!” 

What?! Impossible...! 

“Any absurdity, any mad turn of plot, bring thee forth, and all is made possible!!!” 

Nay!  
For in mine own whim I am ungoverned, untamed, most free in all the worlds and ages! 

“Only in thine own conceit. For being unbound, thou may be bound by any hand. And having infinite might, thou may be bent to any cause. ‘Tis convenience supreme! When a tale be vexed, all they say is: ‘Then bring in Nyarlathotep.’” 

Nay! Then am I...?! 

“Thou art the god of Deus ex Machina, the patron of all authors! Even this sudden uproar of Zeus... were it not smoother by blaming thee behind the veil?!” 

‘Well then, so it be,’ say they. 

“Else, who could believe sudden fusion of Zeus and Cthulhu? Without thee, men would cry: ‘Too sudden! Set thy foreshadowing! Guard thy lore!’ But with thee, lo, all is permitted!” 

The God of Convenience?! Am I such?! 

“But I am unlike thee! Oft am I yoked with Loki in men’s tales as trickster, yet mark it well. I fulfill my godly duties! I aid heroes, I serve Olympus! ‘Tis Loki alone that bringeth chaos for chaos’ sake. Think on the burden I bear, shackled into yon trickster’s mould against my will!!” 

Such divine aura bursts from Hermes! 
Perchance mingled with personal grievance?! 

“I am bound by mission and role! And now, to prove it, I shall smite thee down—for the world, as is a god’s duty! Behold! Fifty-Nine-Thousand-and-Forty-Ninefold-Great Hermes Blasterrrrr!!!” 

Gyaaaaahhhhhhh! 
I am swallowed of light, cast afar! 

“...Well, thou wert in truth but another god fettered to thine own whim. Pray, take thy whims elsewhere henceforth.” 

I care not!  
I shall ever act by mine own free whim! 

For I am Whim itselffffffffffffffffffff!!! 

========== 

• “The Sun saith, Burn O CHAOS”: nichijou reference (“The Sun says Burn, CHAOS”). 

• Hermes’ “Thrice-Great” attacks: A punning allusion to “Hermes Trismegistus” (Hermes the Thrice-Great), tied to Hermetic tradition, exaggerated comically into wrestling-style moves.