Would You Rather

RedMari: Alright boys, our last interview went quite well and we’ve decided to bring you two back! But this time we’ll be playing a little game I’m sure you’ve heard of called Would You Rather. But with a twist. And not the horror movie kind.

Kylee Price: They’re sex-themed aren’t they?

James Kimrick: I fuckin' knew it. [gets up to leave]

RM: Now, now! This’ll be fun! You just have to answer A or B! Nothing too hard! Please sit back down. We’ve sifted through many surveys and collected these 16 questions to shoot back and forth between you two. Okay?

[Kimrick reluctantly sits]

RM: Mr. Kimrick, we’ll pick you first. Would you rather be top or bottom?

Kimrick: Um, top.

RM: See, not so tough, right? Next is for you Mr. Price. lets see.. Would you rather have sex in the same position every night or have sex in a different position every night, never repeating positions?

Kylee: Oh damn, uh… I guess spice it up each night? I would get bored too easily with the first option. But wait, how many positions are there in the world?

Kimrick: Can’t help you there.

RM: Alright. Mr. Kimrick, would you rather have sex in a vat of peanut butter or of honey?

Kimrick: I would say peanut butter.

Kylee: What the fuck, why? Or how? It’s like you’d be like… fucking in quicksand. [laughs]

Kimrick: Honey seems too sticky and sugary, I think it would give me a headache. So I’ll take my chances.

RM: I’m glad to see you’re both having a little fun with this now. Okay, Mr. Price, would you rather never masturbate or never receive oral sex again?

Kylee: That’s a good one. I guess never get head ‘cause you never know if the guy is even good at them. I know I’m good at handjobs.

RM: Better to play it safe, huh? Mr. Kimrick, would you rather be always turned on by fedoras or crocs?

Kylee: [laughs] Who the fuck wrote these questions?

Kimrick: I’m gonna have to say crocs since I rarely look at people’s feet anyway.

Kylee: Oh, nasty dude, crocs are ugly.

Kimrick: I just said I don’t look at—

Kylee: But when you do and you see a croc, you get a boner. Think about that sentence for a second.

Kimrick: Okay fine, I change my answer.

Kylee: Nope, too late, you pervert.

RM: [laughs] Okay, Mr. Price, would you rather sleep with the first guy you see at a bar or the first guy that hits on you?

Kylee: Jeez, you give him all the easy questions! Well, luckily the few bars I’ve gone to have been goth clubs and they’re all pretty hot there so I trust the first guy that asks me. I don't trust my eyes for that shit, too much pressure.

RM: Mr. Kimrick, would you rather slip while having shower sex or fall off the bed during sex?

Kimrick: I guess slip in the sho—

Kylee: Nope, pick the other one.

Kimrick: I can answer myself, thanks.

Kylee: Okay, I’m just saying. One gets you a rug burn and the other can get you a cracked neck.

RM: Your advice seems pretty useful Mr. Price. For you, would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?

Kylee: I don’t know if I’m qualified for this because the first option’s happened before. But I would much prefer my mom walking in on me so I don’t have to go to bed with mental scars. Let her have them.

Kimrick: Gross.

RM: Mr. Kimrick, would you rather have amazing sex for 45 seconds or average sex for 10 minutes?

Kimrick: I guess average sex for 10 minutes? If I love who I’m with, I would want it to last, even if it’s not the best.

Kylee: Aaaaw how cute.

Kimrick: Shut up!

RM: Mr. Price, would you rather fuck someone with bad breath or body odor?

Kylee: Oh man, bad breath probably. I could try and avoid kissing but body odor is... everywhere. [shudders]

RM: Mr. Kimrick, would you rather be a sex slave for a month or wear a chastity device for a month?

Kimrick: The chastity device, I guess, I can go without sex for a month.

Kylee: Uuugh so boring.

RM: Mr. Price, Would you rather only have sex with the first person you fucked or the last person you fucked?

Kylee: Definitely the last person. The first guy was so inexperienced and I don’t think he even liked it much [laughs]

RM: Mr. Kimrick, Would you rather be blindfolded or handcuffed during sex?

Kimrick: [silent]

Kylee: Answer, Kim.

Kimrick: Why, you’re just going to make some kinda comment.

Kylee: No, I won’t!

Kimrick: Okay fine, blindfolded.

Kylee: UUUGH SO BORING.

RM: Mr. Price, Would you rather be the hottest guy with a small penis or an ugly guy with a large penis?

Kylee: Oh fuck... I’m stumped. I guess the hottest guy with a small dick? Since once you got a guy in a bedroom and turn the lights down you could pass it off—

Kimrick: But what if that guy spread the word about your tiny dick and no one would sleep with you after that?

Kylee: I would… I dunno, next question!

RM: Alright, Mr. Kimrick. Would you rather sleep with a hot guy in a Halloween clown costume or a Santa costume?

Kimrick: Uuh...

Kylee: Ooh! Let me answer! Pick Halloween!

Kimrick: I’m going to reluctantly say Santa. Less scary or comedic than a clown.

Kylee: Goddammit.

RM: Mr. Price, Would you rather have sex with your landlord or your boss?

Kylee: Well, I think my landlord and boss are the same person. [looks at Kimrick]

Kimrick: Okay, I'm leaving now.

RM: Aaw, there’s no harm in.. Hey, Mr. Kimrick, come back!!

[Kimrick leaves the room]

RM: Well, I guess that concludes our game. Join us next time everyone!