Update/Apology/Etc.

Apologies for the month of silence. My husband's health has taken a turn again, and I've been in caretaker mode a lot lately. He's not dying or anything, though he will likely be undergoing surgry some time later this year. Nothing we haven't been through before, but it's a strain. I don't start off with this to inspire pity or concern, I've written through these sorts of things before, but in all honesty, creativity has been hard for me to draw from pretty much anything these last few months/years/I struggle to recall a time when it was ever easy.

As things stand, I can't promise regular content here for the forseeable future, if that affects how you'd like to pledge or not. In any case, I'm putting what little creative reserves I have into the video/photo stuff, mostly because it's less of a drain on my time. I can shoot a video in an hour; writing a story with the same content would take me several days. It's just easier at this point, which is frustrating, because there's ideas I have that would work much better as writing, but I lack the time/energy/force to sit myself down and type these days.

Everything is feeling rather pointless. Beyond the ecological/political collapse of civilization that is perfectly sufficient to leave me in a state of paralysis on any given day, the state of social media/posting these days is growing increasingly dire. I'm wary of this platform since I feel like I might get kicked from it at any moment, and there quite simply isn't a good replacement. Sponsus "functions" but is clunky. Beyond that, every site is openly hostile to sexual content, aside from just for fans, which doesn't let me post writing, naturally. 

None of that really used to matter, of course. When I was younger the writing would pour out of me like a fever, like something that I did to simply keep myself from exploding. I'm not sure when or how exactly that stopped. Saying that it's the moment it stopped being a hobby and became a part of my income isn't necessarily wrong, but it is imprecise. I wrote some of my most consistant stuff in part because of the pressure to put out content on a regular basis. Some things you just can't keep up forever, and over the years I've done this, it's difficult to feel like the well isn't running dry, like every idea I have is something I've already written down already. Nothing feels good or interesting, and I can't tell whether it's my internal critic running on overdrive, or just conventional depression that comes and goes, but it hasn't been "going" very much lately.

Having read all that, you might be thinking that the upshot is that I am going to posting less, and oh ho, I don't know about that. I think that the only way out of this funk is through, and through for me means that I need to get back into the habit of voicing myself in text, and caring much, much less about such silly things as genre, quality, or cohesion. I don't quite know how much posting will happen, but I'd like to put up a few things a week. They will probably not all be stories. I might write a few pieces of commentary/kink things, I might just do some general ranting, I might just post short things and ideas that I'm not sure what to do with. I do want to keep going with some of the CYOC/interactive stuff I've been doing, but I've been struggling with it in various ways as well. 

So, my apologies. I'm stuck in a mire, and I'm not sure how long I will have to trudge my way through it. I know there's something on the other side, I have to believe that, but I can't get there without putting words to screen/page. So, bear with me if you want. Leave me comments if there's stuff you've been thinking about that you'd like to hear me talk about, fiction or otherwise. For those of you still here, thanks for hanging around.