"Trash Bandit! Would you be willing to answer a few questions on the rumours circulating about your reckless endangerment of animals?"
"..."
"The public want to- Hey! Give that back!"
"Eeee! EE eeee EE ee e EEE eeeee!"
--Chip 'the raccoon' Roberton, stealing a broadcaster's microphone (and beanie) to spread his truth.
By the fifth rubbish pit, I’m really wishing I had a bigger army.
My claws tear through...
2025-02-27 23:07:47 +0000 UTC View PostA few days later, Emily is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the testing area in Earnie’s workshop, surrounded by scorched metal scrap. She’s wrapped in a mesh of crackling lightning mana with her eyes shut, delicately manipulating her energy with each minute twitch of her outstretched hands.
The loose mana slowly forms into twisting runes and complex geometries, initially covering an area two times the size of her body before slowly shrinking. The construct seems to solidify mo...
2025-02-24 18:00:21 +0000 UTC View PostLittle pre-chapter note here, I've changed my mind on spell capitalisation. I wasn't doing it before, but I am now....
Yeah, that's all, enjoy!
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Emily returns to the Silver Moon headquarters a few days later. The moment she steps onto Merc Street, she feels the familiar presence of a fourth circle mage ahead, and her anticipation grows.
She enters the reception, drawing more than a few glances that spark muttered conversations. Emily picks out sever...
2025-02-21 18:00:11 +0000 UTC View PostThis chapter marks the end of all my backlog... whoops?
I really need to get some more added to that, but raccoon words have been coming slow and far between atm so I may end up having a few weeks without chapters soon... I'll try not to, sorry, but bear with me!
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
"There's somebody at the door~
There's somebody at the door~
There's somebody at the door~
Oh, thank you!"
"Who was it?"
A knock on the door draws Emily out of her meditation. Her eyes snap open, flicking past the system window in front of her before she dismisses it.
¯¯¯¯¯
[Status]
[Name:] Emily Coldstone
[Race:] Human
[Age:] 17
[Magic Circle:] Third Circle
[Machina Cortex:] Third Stage
[Attributes:] Strength 20 (26), Dexterity 65 > 66 (69), Agility 52 > 54 (59), Vitality 17 (22), Intelligence 131 > 137
[Health:] 270/270
[Stamina:] 527/5...
2025-02-17 18:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post“I thought that giving the trash pandas sweets would make them leave me alone.
I could not have been any more wrong.
They loved the food I gave them, and they keep coming back for more.
At least they bring gifts to trade for the sweets. I take them every time, even if they have been stolen.”
--Random citizen of New Oxford.
I have two main suggestions for defensive upgrades, but one of them I wouldn...
2025-02-16 15:26:25 +0000 UTC View PostThey collect the second circle thrasher corpses, and Emily burns the rest with a blanket of fire as they load into the truck to continue towards the outpost.
They run into a small group of sand stalkers before reaching the outpost, but Emily doesn’t even need to leave the car as she drives past them and they follow, lining up clear shots for the rest of the squad in the back.
The outpost is almost invisible until they drive within a kilometre of it, at which point the horizon di...
2025-02-14 18:00:24 +0000 UTC View PostEmily steps through the front door of the Silver Moon Mercenary Company three minutes before her meeting time. She heads towards a receptionist who doesn’t have anyone waiting before him.
“Hello, how can I help you today?” he asks as Emily steps up to his counter.
“I need to be pointed towards my assigned squad,” Emily explains.
“I see, one moment please,” the receptionist says, reaching under his desk to pull out a cube with several magic crystals in the centr...
2025-02-10 18:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post“Shopping! There’s just nothing quite like it for getting straight to a girl’s heart.
…
Well, other than food.”
--Gwen ‘Newtonian’ Hurcombe, 2032.
¯¯¯¯¯
New Purchase: Class I D.E.N AI Connection Patch – 5 points
Remaining points: 2385
_____
Cyon snaps her fingers together, and a small black vortex ripples into existence j...
2025-02-09 12:13:00 +0000 UTC View PostEmily walks past the soldiers guarding Earnie’s workshop without drawing a single glance even when she opens the locked front door without a key and slips inside.
She heads towards the working platform, following the sounds of grinding metal.
“Hey,” she greets, grabbing a stool and dropping down at one of the enthusiastic creator’s cleaner workbenches.
“You’re early,” Earnie replies, turning off the spinning grinder in his hands and flicking his mask up. “I...
2025-02-07 18:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post“Trust is a fickle thing. Earned through dedication, lost through petty strife.
But you know who you can trust? Big Raccoon.
Big Raccoon always has your best interests at heart.
Big Raccoon is watching you.”
--Controlled Ad definitely not running on the Prolotor Active Wavecast, channel ????.
I let out a sigh and press my hands to my cheeks, waiting for them to cool down.
My siblings dump the cor...
2025-02-05 11:39:46 +0000 UTC View PostBefore we get into this one, someone pointed out to me that I changed Earnie's name randomly...
Yeah, you got me, I missed that. Whoops!
I've gone back and adjusted it so it's consistent now, just thought I'd let you know his name is Earnie and that's how it will stay from now on... hopefully.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
“Good enough?” Austin responds, eagerly ticking something on her form with a pen he pulls from behind his back. “Girlie, I ain’t never seen no one ...
2025-02-03 18:00:17 +0000 UTC View PostIt doesn’t take long for Emily to spot Podrick through her bird’s eyes, walking through the compound while glancing around nervously.
She turns and heads straight towards him, walking along a road with a few other pedestrians, most of them wearing some form of greasy overall, before slipping between two closed warehouses with loud machinery whirring away inside.
She comes out a few metres behind Podrick and quietly approaches him, slipping an arm around his shoulder before he ...
2025-01-31 18:00:05 +0000 UTC View PostOkay, three it is.
There we go, Mum, all done. You did great.
Here’s your third. His markings aren’t as distinct as Spot and Stripe’s. I wonder what we should- hey!
Stop squirming, you’re sli- oh shit. Get back here!
...
There, got you!
Wait, what’s that? No! Don’t you dare! Open your mouth, young man, you’re only meant to drink milk while you’re little!
Whew, that was ...
2025-01-28 20:26:12 +0000 UTC View PostJust over an hour later, after switching trains twice and walking a short distance from the ‘Chop Shop Station’, they arrive at a large warehouse with soldiers posted around the walls.
“Welcome to Chop Shop Street, aka Earnie’s playground,” Colette says, gesturing to the building beside them. “This is Earnie’s workshop, and half the other buildings on the street are his too.”
“The whole warehouse?” Emily asks with an impressed tone.
“Yes, the whole ware...
2025-01-27 18:00:06 +0000 UTC View PostColette steps forward and opens the door, leading Emily in. The room they enter is almost empty, with two leather sofas facing each other to the right of the door in the light of the only window. There’s a small coffee table between them, and two crossed battle axes hanging on the wall above it, proudly displayed as the only point of interest in the room.
Colette doesn’t stop in the bare reception room and instead leads Emily into a connected corridor with steep stairs at the end. T...
2025-01-24 18:00:06 +0000 UTC View PostTwo at once?!
Gross, they’re wet…
Actually, they’re kind of cute…
Their masks are almost the same if it weren’t for those small markings. I’ll call you Spot and Stripe!
--Elise’s mind during her siblings’ births, 2031
It’s almost boring how easy it is to clear the bunker of living plants.
I simply turn myself invisible for a moment, step into a new room, and release a spray of bacte...
2025-01-23 22:58:11 +0000 UTC View PostPush, Mum!
Oh god, that looks horrible. I never want kids.
…
There, it’s out!
Wait, she’s still going? How big are raccoon litters?
--Elise’s mind during her siblings’ births, 2031
There are a few options. Would you like a cheaper one-time solution, or another mutation that can address situations like these?
I silently consider the choice, absentmindedly rubbing my b...
2025-01-23 22:52:49 +0000 UTC View PostIn the morning of the following day, Emily finally leaves her room, leaving her bag behind, and heads towards the bridge in anticipation of their arrival in Liberte. She steps into the room and looks around.
The bridge is only slightly larger than Calypso’s, with an open window facing the front of the ship. Unlike Calypso’s though, the patrol ship’s window has metal bars running down it every metre or so to help reinforce it.
There are four chairs in the room, three to contr...
2025-01-20 18:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post“Not at all,” Emily replies, internally casting a first circle earth spell to raise a small mound of rock in the shape of a chair before sitting back into it. “Would you like a seat?”
Colette barely reacts to Emily’s casual silent casting and calmly nods.
She’s either not surprised, or very good at hiding her reactions.
Emily snaps her fingers, forming a small brown magic circle above them that melts into the floor, raising a second earthen throne behind...
2025-01-17 18:00:07 +0000 UTC View PostThe rest of the flight across the ocean is uneventful, without a single attack from any of the dangerous sea creatures known to inhabit the waters below. After a couple of hours, Emily opens her eyes in the engine room to a welcome message.
¯¯¯¯¯
Quest Completed: Traitor’s Escape
[Traitor’s Escape]
[Rank:] C
[Description:] You ended a noble family alone, now you must survive the consequences.
Requirements:
-Leave the country alive (Complete)<...
2025-01-13 18:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post“Mental health is extremely important, especially for Samurai. A lot of people seem to forget, but every time we fight off an incursion, we’re walking into an active warzone. Some of the things I’ve seen those overgrown plants do still give me nightmares.
The Protectors must pick us for mental resilience or something though, because it’s rare to find a Samurai that won’t bounce back even after seeing some truly harrowing shit.
If you meet someone wh...
2025-01-11 16:54:37 +0000 UTC View Post{Welcome back to Roadkill Nightmares with me, Gorlom Sheepsay!
In today’s episode, our roadkill of the day is this beautiful Model Six. It’s got the perfect amount of meat on it, and I know we’re just in for a treat.
Let’s see what our chefs come up with.}
Twenty minutes later
{DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK YOU DONKEY? IT’S FUCKING RAW!!!}
Incoherent screeching Audience screaming
--A cut epi...
2025-01-11 16:50:58 +0000 UTC View Post“Humanity? What’s that? Can I eat it?”
--Elise ‘Trash Bandit’ Roberton when asked about her genetic modifications.
“So,” I say as I drop back down into the Squish, wiggling around to find the perfect position with Stripe in my lap. “How do I clone her?”
To begin the cloning process, you will need to purchase another Genetic Sample Extractor, this time the P18, along with another set of Culture Solutions for a total of thre...
2025-01-11 16:44:16 +0000 UTC View Post“Any questions? Yes, you over there…
What’s the worst thing about Antithesis? That would have to be their ability to replicate.
Give the fuckers a chance and a bit of biomass, and they’ll start pumping out models like there’s no tomorrow. It doesn’t matter how easy low models are to kill, given enough of them even an experienced Samurai could fall. All it takes is one slip-up.
Always remember, never leave a plant behind!”
... 2025-01-11 16:28:57 +0000 UTC View PostEpigraph Goes Here!
--A forgetful webnovel author.
[{Quiet.}]
[{Boring.}]
[{Boom!}]
I nod at Stripe and Spot’s expected responses and chuckle at Chip’s as I hear the explosion he set off in the distance.
[{I’ll be there in a moment to finish cleaning up.}]
I receive three squeaks of acknowledgement and slip into an alley that leads back to them, running into a few stray Threes on the way.
As I step out onto t...
2025-01-11 16:19:33 +0000 UTC View Post“You guys are never gonna believe it.”
“What?”
“I used my Samurai privileges to check the city’s records, and there’s nothing. They’re as clueless as us!”
“Not even a name?”
“Nope, nothing!”
“Damn… is Dr Williams just crazy?”
“Who cares! He said there are raccoons in the city! Operation Trash Bandit Tracking is a go!”
--A conversation between Newtoni...
2025-01-11 16:11:57 +0000 UTC View Post{Okay, anchor one: fire!}
Hiss Clang
{Target hit, sir! Full penetration achieved and the weight checks are positive.}
{Good! Anchor two.}
Hiss Clang
{Target hit! Holding steady.}
{Perfect. Activate retraction.}
{On i- AAAHHHHHHH!}
CRASH
--Audio recording from experimental traversal system P.E.L.T, test #1: the brakes incident.
¯¯...
2025-01-11 16:06:11 +0000 UTC View Post“Samurai specialties? Yeah, we all have them. Some newbies even end up with solid themes before they’ve killed their first hive.
But the one thing you’ll almost never find, is a Samurai without options. It doesn’t matter how niche our interests, nor how limited our catalogues. If there’s something we want to do, our AIs have the perfect suggestion.
Take right now, for example. I just asked her, and Liandry gave me a whopping four hundred and eighty-...
2025-01-11 15:58:55 +0000 UTC View PostReturning back to the start of the battle with a better understanding of her limits, Emily follows her well-tested routine. She slips into the five scouts and knocks their crews out with narcotic-tipped needles before setting them gently down on the ground and returning to Calypso.
Then, she disables the grounded artillery cannons with a volley of icy bullets and takes apart the attacking bombers and boarders with precise explosions as Calypso slows her approach.
Finally, she retu...
2025-01-10 18:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post