thehardtimes

Hard Digest October 31: Early Access Elon Musk, Sex Pistols v. Ramones, Revenge, and More

Elon Musk Offers $1M to Anyone Who Signs His Birthday Card

By Sean Fallon 

BUTLER, Penn. – Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.

“It would be totes amazeballs to get a birthday card th...

MVP: Michael Jackson "Thriller"

It's the spookiest day of the year, so today we break down the spookiest video of all time.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOnqjkJTMaA&list=RDsOnqjkJTMaA&start_radio=1

Hard Digest October 31: Halloween Early Access and More

Mom Warns Crust Punk Son That Some of His Drugs Might Be Laced With Candy This Halloween

By Sam LiButti 

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local mother Martha Browning grew concerned for her crust punk son after hearing rumors circulating that some trick-or-treaters may find candy mixed in with their drugs ...

Hard Digest October 29: Werewolves, Early Access Bahaus, Fred Durst, Davey Havok, and More

Werewolf Criticized After Leaving Himself in Hot Car

By Matt Husser 

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local werewolf Steve Callahan was under fire today after an unexpected transformation left his wolf form trapped in a hot car, concerned sources confirmed.

“How was I supposed to know the full moon wo...

Hard Digest October 28: Early Access Sexy Cops, Freak On a Leash, King Diamond, and More

Conservative at Halloween Party Thinks Regular Cops Already Pretty Sexy

By Peter Ferrarese 

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular...

Hard Digest October 27: Early Access Peter Steele, Body Horror, Selling Out, and More

Self-Conscious Metalhead Nervous After Finding Peter Steele Issue of Playgirl Under Girlfriend’s Mattress

By Robert Butler 

NEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath h...

Hard Digest October 26: Early Access Project 25, Black Metal, Couples Costumes, and More

Project 2025 Council Vows to Capture Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Destroy Them Once and For All

By The Hard Times Staff 

WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order t...

Hard Digest October 25: Early Access Mariah Carey, Haunted Pasts, Halloween Parties, and More

Coked Up Music Exec Pitches “All I Want For Halloween is You” to Mariah Carey

By Chris Bratton

LOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.<...

Hard Digest October 24: Early Access Layoffs, Skeletons, Molds, and More

Corporation Boasts About How Diverse the Latest Round of Layoffs Are

By Drew Gigis 

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.

“Blackston...

MVP: Ramones "Pet Sematary"

Take a trip to the graveyard with Bill and Dan as they break down "Pet Sematary" by the Ramones. There will be thrills, chills, and lots of tight denim pants.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJWFsZ_YUc4

Hard Digest October 23: Early Access B-List Celebrities, Rage Against the Machine, Dedications, and More

Nation’s B-List Celebrities Announce Plans to Randomly Appear in Ad for Online Casino App

By Trevor Graham 

LOS ANGELES — B-list celebrities from every facet of the entertainment industry announced their plan to randomly appear in some casino gambling app you’ve never even heard of befor...

Hard Digest October 22: Abercrombie CEO, Early Access Time After Time, Weed Gummies, Hobbies, and More

Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking Charges

By Ben Friedman

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans...

Hard Digest October 21: Early Access Fugazi, Mist Monsters, Dead Punks, and More

Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket Sales

By Bob Kerr

WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first p...

Hard Digest October 20: Early Access Drum Solos, Goth Moms, Biden, and More

Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador Retriever

By Livy Berry

MILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Te...

Hard Digest October 18& 19: Warped Tour, Early Access Hank Williams, Tacos, Feminism, and More

Crust Punk Enters “Only Listens to Hank Williams” Stage of Lifecycle

By Steve Packosky 

PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.

“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I ca...

Hard Digest October 17: Early Access Van Repair, Crust Punk Legends, The Smiths, and More

Second Guitarist Only Kept in Band Because He Knows How to Repair Tour Van

By Dan Kozuh 

BRAINTREE, Mass. — A leak revealed that local punk band We Wear the Mask only keeps their second guitarist, Davey Thompson, in the lineup because he is the only one who knows how to fix the band’s perpetua...

MVP: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince "Nightmare On My Street"

Today Bill and Dan break down a video that was lost to time for 30 years thanks to litigation from New Line Cinema, so don't be upset with yourself if you've never seen this video before. Join us as we break it down for you and we deal with this nightmare together.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVbaYFVUbLo

Hard Digest October 16: Early Access Sommeliers, Stephen King, Ian MacKaye and More

Punk Sommelier Can Tell Exact Month Milk in Fridge Went Sour

By Carson Kile 

LOS ANGELES — An astounding display of skill and expertise was observed today as local punk sommelier Evan Weaver correctly guessed the month the milk in his fridge went sour, confirmed amazed sources.

“It re...

Hard Digest October 15: Walgreens, Early Access The Weakerthans, Jam Sessions, and More

Walgreens Announces Mass Store Closings After Locking Buildings Behind Glass Cases

By Ben Friedman

DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, com...

Hard Digest October 14: Early Access Elon Musk, Inheritance, Con Artist, and More

Elon Musk Has Bright Vision of Future Where Humanity Thinks He’s Worst Person on Multiple Planets

By Tim Sheard 

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confir...

Hard Digest October 13: Early Access Halloween, Bank Heist, AA Meetings, and More

HR Rep Already Knows Who’s Going to Get Fired for Wearing Blackface for Halloween

By Ben Friedman 

OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.

...

Hard Digest October 12: Early Access Rammstein, JNCO, HOA Laws, and More

Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein

By Steve Packosky 

BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, an...

Hard Digest October 11: Early Access Murder By Death, Nostaglia, Frank Grimes, and More

Murder by Death Celebrates 1,000,000th Metal Fan Disappointed

By John Danek 

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their brutal band name, according to a press release. 2024-10-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest October 10: Early Access Border Policy, TMBG, Ben Gibbard, and More

Experts Warn Trump Border Policy Will Block Thousands of Canadian Girlfriends from Attending American Proms

By Dan Kozuh

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American...

MVP: Dokken "Dream Warriors"

It's October, and that means we are legally obligated to cover a spooky music video. So this week Bill and Dan enter a deep sleep to break down the video for Dokken's "Dream Warriors" where they take on Freddy Krueger. Give it a listen.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noLPhZvcBpw

Hard Digest October 9: Early Access Rare Records, David Lynch, K9 Cops, and More

Study Reveals Rare Record You Wanted Was Indeed In Bin You Left Store Before Checking

By Joe Rumrill 

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the crate you opted not to che...

Hard Digest October 8: Early Access Bret Michaels, David Bowie, Anti-Homeless Designs, and More

Bret Michaels’ Bandana and Cowboy Hat Launch Custody Battle Over His Head

By Doug Kolic

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through legal briefs searching for any type of precede...

Hard Digest October 7: Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Joe Bonamassa, and More

Heartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse Show

By Chris Bowen 

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up source...

Hard Digest October 6: Early Access Lowes, Riverdance, Support Groups, and More

Lowe’s to Begin Selling 14-Foot Glenn Danzig

By Ryan Dondero 

MOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.

“The runaway succes...

Hard Digest October 5: Early Access GG Allin, Bucket Hats, and More

GG Allin Chia Pet Has Very Different Set of Directions for Fertilizing Soil

By Chris Bratton 

LITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.

...