thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 14: Early Access Gentrification, Pits, Eulogies, and More

Second-Wave Gentrification Threatens To Price Out All of City’s Historic Microbreweries

By James Knapp 

SETSONVILLE, Md. — A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to a...

Hard Digest August 13: Gold Medals, Early Access Squatting, Friendships, The Eagles, and More

Olympian Excited to Return Home With Gold Medal and Pawn It For Rent Money

By Dan Kozuh 

BALTIMORE, Md. — 23-year-old Olympic champion Erica Webb’s triumphant return home was filled with fanfare and excitement as she can’t wait to pawn her newly-won gold medal to cover her overdue rent, acc...

Hard Digest 12: Early Access Velvet Underground Shirts, Nostalgia, Dog Parks, and More

Guy Fleeing From Pack of Escaped Gorillas Regrets Wearing Velvet Underground Shirt to Zoo Today

By Joe Rumrill 

SAN DIEGO — A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “Th...

Hard Digest August 11: Early Access Kamala Harris, Stephen King, Band Chemistry, and More

Kamala Harris Leans Into Cool Aunt Image by Promising Junior Staffers Can Drink Beers in White House Basement

By Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff m...

Hard Digest August 10: Early Access Drum Circles, Brat Girl Summer, Trump, Polly Pocket, and More

Feuding Drum Circles Put Differences Aside to Form One Big Unemployment Line

By Courtney Hill 

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Two rival drum circles were forced to reconcile their differences and form one civilized unemployment line, sources willing to get close enough to the crunchy collectives repo...

Hard Digest August 9: Early Access The Decline of Western Civilization, Rare Cheeses, Recycling, Intermittent Fasting, and More

4th Installment of “Decline of Western Civilization” to Focus on Depressing World of Punks Becoming Conservative Nutjobs

By Chris Bowen 

LOS ANGELES — The newest installment of the classic punk and heavy metal documentary series “Decline of the Western Civilization” will feature a tell...

Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Rotten.com, Joe Biden, Rob Thomas, and More

Harvard Study Concludes that 100% of Millennials Have Rotten.com-Related PTSD

By Ian Steffé 

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website 2024-08-09 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post

MVP: White Zombie "More Human Than Human"

This week we travel back to when Rob Zombie started his film-directing career by breaking down White Zombie's "More Human Than Human." So put a giant pumpkin on your head, find your robot friend and settle in for another episode of MVP.

Hard Digest August 7: Trump, Early Access Bullies, Travis Kelce, Juggalo Moms, and More

Trump Regales Conservative Media Outlets With Charming Anecdote About Time He Got Five Innocent Men Arrested In Central Park

By The Hard Times Staff 

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump charmed conservative podcast host Grant Victoria with a story about the time he helped five innocent men...

Hard Digest August 6: RFK JR., Early Access Henry Rollins, Rock Bottom, Stadium Organists, and More

RFK Jr. Reminds Voters He Also Keeps a Monkey With a Handgun on His Nightstand For Self Defense If They Wanna Hear About That

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-def...

Hard Digest August 5: Early Access Mugshots, New Genres, Statues, and More

Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking Mugshot

BY DAN KOZUH 

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, d...

Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Phones, Lit, The Rolling Stones, and More

STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good For You

BY MALIA SIMON 

BOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good...

Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Taylor Swift, Prisons, Fascism, The Blair Witch Project, and More

Taylor Swift Releases Album to Overshadow Friend’s Engagement Announcement

BY SEAN FALLON

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Michelle Reynolds was horrified to find her recent engagement announcement completely overshadowed by her friend Taylor Swift intentionally releasing an album on the same day, confirmed...

Hard Digest August 2: Early Access Buckcherry, Metallica, Garbage Blooms, Trauma, and More

Buckcherry Wonders If They Suck Too Much or Not Enough for Ironic Nostalgia

BY JACKY PRITCHARD 

BOONVILLE, N.Y. — Frequently ridiculed rock band Buckcherry were curious if they were disparaged too much or not enough in the past 25 years to be included in the ironic nostalgia bucket, with ...

Hard Digest August 1: JD Vance, Early Access Chino Moreno, No Doubt. JoAnn Fabrics, and More

JD Vance Further Angers Nation By Claiming “Childless Tarantula Guys” Are Pretty Cool Though

BY BOBBY KOREC 

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are actually kind of coo...

MVP: Dinosaur Jr. "Feel the Pain

This week on "MVP Bill and Dan head back to the year 1994 to talk about Dinosaur Jr's "Feel the Pain" and learn a lot about golf along the way.

Watch the video then listen to the show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXkN3nJyWEA

Hard Digest July 31: Boycotts, Simone Biles, AI Taco Bell, Early Access HitClips, Broken Arms, Weezer, and More

Officials Confirm Olympic Games “May Never Recover” From Rob Schneider Boycott

BY DAN RICE 

PARIS — International Olympics Committee spokesperson Mark Adams confirmed that the 3000-year-old world amateur sporting contest was “Unlikely to continue” in the wake of a boycott issued by Holl...

Hard Digest July 30: JD Vance, Early Access Nu Metal, Mitochondria, Vintage Shirts, and More

JD Vance Catching More Backlash After Saying Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Be Happy

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Vice Presidential nominee J.D. Vance found himself in hot water again over his views regarding childless women at a recent rally after stating that women over the age of 30 are n...

Hard Digest July 29: Olympic Skateboarding, Venezuela, Early Access Wedding DJ, Enzyte, Bedbugs, and More

Olympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her Dog

BY TREVOR GRAHAM 

PARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who rem...

Hard Digest July 28: Early Access Metalheads, Instagram, Classic Rock, and More

Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had Sleeves

BY NATHAN KAMAL

EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirme...

Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Chappell Roan, Mental Health, Rural Vegans, Saying No, and More

Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell Roan

BY SARAH CASSELL 

BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirme...

Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Knockd Loose, Wilco, Cybertrucks, Adult Friendships, and More

ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on Loop

BY JOHN DANEK 

NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with...

Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Harsh Noise, North Korea, Five Finger Death Punch, and More

Harsh Noise Show Audience Unaware Fire Alarm Has Been Going off Past 45 Minutes

BY JOE RUMRILL 

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the...

MVP: Civ "Can't Wait One Minute More"

Today on the podcast Bill and Dan go deep into the Youtube archives and dig out a certified gem of a music video from Civ. If you don't like this music video you can suck an egg, we loved it, listen to the show, share it with a friend.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRwm6kFz3do

Hard Digest July 24: Early Access Grateful Dead, Punctuality, Budweiser Frogs, and More

Only Two Punctual People in Friend Group Sick of Hanging Out With One Another

BY CHARLES BILL 

DETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for eve...

Hard Digest July 23: Early Access Funerals, Quiznos, Cornholio, and More

Goth’s Funeral Attendees Unsure of Which Hearse to Follow

BY DREW GIGIS 

TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery,...

Hard Digest July 22: Clarence Thomas, Early Access Dave Matthews Band, Dancing, Nature Valley, and More

Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris Nomination

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Tr...

Hard Digest July 21: BIDEN DROPS OUT, Early Access Rob Halford, License to Ill, Favorite Bands, and More

Biden Cancels Campaign Citing Low Ticket Sales

BY GARY KERLS 

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.

“Listen J...

Hard Digest July 20th: Early Access Ted Nugent, Machine Gun Kelly, Joe Biden, and Morbid Angel

Ted Nugent Develops Gas-Powered Guitar As A Fuck You To Climate Activist Hippies

BY DREW GIGIS 

FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated. 2024-07-21 00:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest July 19: Kid Rock, Early Access Project 2025, Discovery Zone, Metal, Nostradamus, and More

Global Internet Self-Destructs After Having to Livestream Kid Rock RNC Performance

BY TREVOR GRAHAM

SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software s...