thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 7: State of the Union and International Women's Day Early Access and More

Joe Biden Spends The Entire State of The Union Explaining How True Emo Only Comes From The Washington D.C. Hardcore Scene

BY STEPHEN BELL 

WASHINGTON — Observers of Thursday’s State of The Union address were surprised by Joe Biden’s speech after he spent the entire time talking about how true Emo music onl...

Hard Digest March 6: Rooster Teeth, Early Access Suicidal Tendencies, Sexting, Death, and Much More

Suicidal Tendencies Now Going By “Suicidal Ideation” After Making Progress In Therapy

BY KIMBERLY SCOTT 

LOS ANGELES — Members of Suicidal Tendencies announced they will be changing their band name to Suicidal Ideation after reaching an important milestone in therapy this week, multiple sources confirmed...

Hard Digest March 5: Jeff Bezos, Early Access Jane Doe, Taxes, and More

Scrappy Underdog Jeff Bezos Defies Odds And Reclaims World’s Richest Man Title

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

SEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could p...

Hard Digest March 4: Yuzu, Early Access Courtney Love, BDSM, Cocaine, and More

Gen X Man 100% Feminist Unless Someone Mentions Courtney Love

BY DAN BOOKBINDER 

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 49-year-old Corey Nulf was a self-proclaimed feminist until anyone around mentions musician Courtney Love, confirmed sources who turned off “The People vs. Larry Flynt” movie when he entered the room.<...

Hard Digest March 3: Early Access "Gylcerine," Dopamine, Home Schooling, and More

Gavin Rossdale Reveals He Wrote “Glycerine” About His Tortured Relationship With a Rectal Suppository

BY MIRIAM JAYARATNA 

LOS ANGELES — Gavin Rossdale, the frontman of the popular ‘90s rock band Bush, disclosed that the band’s hit single was supposed to be titled “Glycerin,” and was inspired b...

Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Fred Durst, Hallmark, Edibles, and More

Fred Durst’s Neighbor Requests Next Time He Borrows Chainsaw He Doesn’t Return It Covered in Ass Skin

BY STEPHEN BELL 

LOS ANGELES – The neighbor of Fred Durst is reportedly nonplussed after his chainsaw was returned absolutely covered in the skin of someone’s ass after allowing the Limp Bizkit frontman ...

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Benefit for Hard Head $25 a Month Members

Hello again everyone,

     Bill here, Editor-in-Chief and cofounder of The Hard Times. I took an old computer out of storage and realized it has the ability to burn CDs and has my iTunes music library that is filled with gems up until about about 2013. So, for anyone in the $25 tier I will make you a completely personalized mix CD. If you want to take advantage of this then shoot me an email (bill@thehardtimes.net) with the subject line "MIX CD" and we can start...

Do you want to be in a photo for The Hard Times?

Hello everyone,

      Have you ever been looking at a Hard Times photo and thought "that could be me, I'm way better looking than that person"? Well today could be the day you make that happen. We have some upcoming headlines that we need art for, if you like the headline and think you might be a good fit for it then please email bill@thehardtimes.net and we can talk over what exactly is needed. Use the subject line HARD TIMES ART to make it as easy as poss...

Hard Digest March 1: Sigur Rós, Early Access Dashboard Confessional, Baconator, and More

ASL Interpreter in Way Over Their Head After Hired to Work Upcoming Sigur Rós US Tour

BY BOBBY KOREC 

DETROIT — Local American sign language interpreter Luke Phisher felt completely overwhelmed after being hired to work the upcoming US tour for the Icelandic band Sigur Rós, confirmed sources who wondered if ...

Hard Digest Feb. 29: Gaza, Early Access Black Flag, Burzum, Adoption, and More

‘Hundreds Relieved of Existence Following Spirited Mishap at Gaza Food Truck’ Writes New York Times Editor About War Crime

BY MATT HUSSER 

NEW YORK — New York Times headliner editor Percy Howard patted himself on the back today after writing a headline describing Israeli soldiers opening fire on una...

Hard Digest Feb. 28: Texas Wild Fires, Mitch McConnell, Early Access AC/DC, Train, and More

Gov. Abbott Enlists Texas National Guard to Shoot at Wildfires

BY TIM GRAHAM 

AUSTIN, Texas — Governor Greg Abbott deployed Texas National Guard troops to combat the rapidly spreading wildfires in the state’s Panhandle, according to his press conference’s increasingly confused-looking ASL interpreter.

Hard Digest Feb. 27: Early Access Christian Ska, Girl Scout Cookies, and More

Priest Suffers Crisis of Faith After Hearing Christian Ska Band

BY MATT HUSSER 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local priest Pastor Stephen Kramer is reportedly suffering a crisis of faith after hearing Christian ska band Skadom and Gomhorna play for his congregation, members of his church confirmed.

“War, famine, dise...

Hard Digest Feb. 26: Early Access Imagine Dragons, 2024 Election, the Specials, and More

Fire Alarm That Plays Imagine Dragons Guarantees Total Evacuation

BY CHARLES BILL 

LOS ANGELES — Gnull Industries recently announced a new fire alarm that guarantees total room evacuation by blaring songs from pop rock band Imagine Dragons, confirmed sources who left the building just thinking about it.

...

Hard Digest Feb. 25: Early Access Crust Punks, Nepo Babies, 90 Day Fiancé and More

Crust Punk Siphons Gas for the Flavor

BY ALEC WALKER 

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.

“I don’t see anything wrong wi...

Hard Digest Feb. 24: Skateboarding, Early Access Swing Revival, Social Anxiety, Ketamine and More

Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet Hours

BY TIM GRAHAM 

ROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot out...

Hard Digest Feb. 23: Fuckin' Slayer, Tekken, Early Access Fast & Furious, Nostalgia, Alcoholism, and More

Slayer Fan Hopes Reunion Tour Schedule Doesn’t Conflict With Capitol Riot Court Date

BY MATT HUSSER

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local metalhead Trent Clayton remains hopeful that the Slayer reunion festival tour schedule didn’t conflict with his pending Capitol Riot court date, confirmed multiple sources.

“Just...

Hard Digest Feb. 22: AT&T Outage, Jane Goodall, Early Access Mrs. Doubtfire, Folk Punk, and More

AT&T Outage Forces Commuters to Listen to Something Called ‘Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show’

BY TIM GRAHAM 

DALLAS — Cellular giant AT&T’s massive outage caused disruption to vital services and prevented customers from listening to their preferred podcasts and music during their morning commute...

Hard Digest Feb. 21: Alabama, Early Access Ego Death, LinkedIn, Nintendo Direct, and More

Alabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling Out

BY JOSH BAUMGART 

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.

�...

Hard Digest Feb. 20: The Beatles, George R.R. Martin, Plus Early Access Metal Band Names and More

Sam Mendes’ Ringo Movie Mostly Drum Fills and Smoking as Rest of Band Argues

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed film director Sam Mendes announced that his ambitious portrayal of the Beatles, which will be told through four separate films focusing on each member, will feature drummer Ringo Starr mostly chain...

(Almost) Banned on IG

Sometimes our content gets removed from Facebook or Instagram it is has a pretty negative effect on our ability to put our stuff in front of the people that follow us, sometimes we get it though. We think "yeah, ok we were intentionally pushing some buttons here." But today's removal was amusing. A reference to Weezer's "Undone (The Sweater Song)" has IG once again threatening to delete our account if we continue to promote violence. We hope you are all having a good morning though.

Hard Digest 02/19: Trump Shows, Early Access Trust Funds, Dragons, and Helldivers 2

Bootlicker Seamlessly Transitions to Trump Sneaker Licker

BY BOBBY KOREC 

NEW WINDSOR, Md. — Longtime cop enthusiast Lou Mandin seamlessly transitioned from a locally known bootlicker to a Trump sneaker licker after purchasing the former president’s new footwear for $399, sources confirmed.

“Believe m...

Hard Digest Feb. 18: Early Access Arpeggios, Patches, and More

Punk Sews Slightly Larger Patch Over Canceled Band’s Logo

BY AUDREY VIEIRA 

BALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, source...

Hard Digest Feb. 17: Early Access Johnny Ramone, Perverts, Catalytic Converters, and More

Oh No: I Was Visited by the Ghost of Johnny Ramone Last Night and He Was Wearing a MAGA Hat

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

Last night, I was visited by a punk rock god by the name of Johnny Ramone. Well, not exactly visited by him in person, because his physical body has been dead for 20 years now, but it was certainly...

Hard Digest Feb. 16: Weekend Early Access, Air Drumming, Snoop, Pokemon and So Much More

Teen Shocked to Learn Commercial Spokesperson Snoop Dogg Used to be a Musician

BY PATRICK COYNE 

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local Gen Alpha teen Angelina Stephenson was shocked and appalled to learn that famed commercial actor Snoop Dogg was not only not a fictional mascot, but once a well-respected musician, confirme...

Hard Digest Feb. 15: Early Access Dispensary Throwback Night, Generational Trauma, Fortnite and more

America Combines Most Popular Sport With Most Popular Tragedy

BY JOSH BAUMGART 

KANSAS CITY,  Mo. — A mass shooting that left one dead and at least 30 others injured at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Parade, left sociologists wondering if our country has witnessed what some are calling a “peak Ame...

Hard Times Book Giveaway for Patrons

Did you know we put out a book detailing the first 40 years of our publication? We break down our top coverage from each decades music and culture scene.

Let’s give one away to a Patron. Here’s the game: post your favorite DEEP CUT article from Hard Times or Hard Drive in the comments. Nothing that was super popular. We’ll pick one as the winner and the person who picked it will get the book shipped to them.

We’ll also sign it (as any famous or historical figure you want, ...

Hard Digest Feb. 14: First Look at Trump's VP Choice, Belle & Sebastian, JRPGs, and So Much More

Trump VP Shortlist Includes Tim Scott, Kristi Noem, Frankenstein-Like Abomination Made From DNA of History’s Greatest Monsters

BY TIM GRAHAM 

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former president Donald Trump teased his top picks for vice president during a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, according to gaudily-d...

Hard Digest Feb. 13: Early Access Valentine's Day, Modest Mouse, and More

Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam”

BY JESSICA LILLIAN 

Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in...

Hard Digest Feb. 12: Phoebe Buffay, Tucker Carlson, Cold Plunges, The Muppets and More

Folk Punk Legend Phoebe Buffay Announces First Shows in Over 20 Years

BY JOHN DANEK 

NEW YORK — 1990s folk punk icon Phoebe Buffay announced her first live performances in over two decades which will take place this summer in cities across the US, according to the artist’s publicist.

“I’m so excite...

An Update to Our Posting "Strategy"

Sorry for the cornball corporate speak, but it was brought to our attention that every time we post in here it sends an email.  Which could be up to 9 or 10 emails a day from us and that is super annoying. We are going to start consolidating the posts into something almost like a newsletter that gets sent out later in the day with early access posts and other updates from the day. Hopefully that won't crowd your inbox as much so you don't miss out on any emails from Best Buy where they a...