thehardtimes

Washington DC Tourism Tip

WASHINGTON — The world-renowned Smithsonian Institute announced the giant rear-end props used by Sir Mix-a-Lot in the famous “Baby Got Back” music video came into their possession and will be on display for museumgoers to gaze at, confirmed multiple large butt enthusiasts.

“All of us at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History are elated to have the opportunity to preserve, as well as display, the historic 12-foot butt cheeks for all our visitors,” Lisa G...

GWAR Costumes Ranked by How Hard They Would Make Selling Insurance

So you sold out and got yourself a little corporate job selling insurance. Congrats! However, in order to sell insurance and actually support yourself with it, you need charisma, people skills, and some level of intelligence, and a good work ethic. And you have none of those qualities. So what now? You think back to the time you took your girlfriend to a GWAR concert. She was appalled. You were inspired. You felt like you could do more with your life. You could be anyone or anything if you se...

__

I’d never considered myself a hero until I was staring down the prison industrial complex and made the law relent, all it took was unwavering courage, and the best lawyers on the West Coast all hired by my rich father.

Let me paint the scene, it was a Saturday night and I was driving home from a show at the DIY venue/cocaine empire I manage when tragedy struck. I may have been crushing Four Lokos and speeding, I may have swerved into oncoming traffic, I may have hit a guy c...

Do you need a hoodie?

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A hot new startup company just launched a revolutionary weather app for aging punks that lets you know if it’s cold enough to put a hoodie on, previously freezing sources confirmed.

“It’s like Shazam but for the weather. Or something like that,” said Jamie Ingram, creator of the Hoodie Weather app. “The key is its simplicity. Other weather apps are so complicated and give you wa...

Boomer Coverage

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local dad and all-around asshole Bert Smilovic failed to understand criticism of his storytelling techniques which involve reducing all people to unhelpful demographics, his enraged children reported.

“My Gen-Z wannabe socialist kids are all mad that I like to paint a picture with my stories, just like that gay Black guy Basquiat,” blurted Smilovic, the thrice-divorced father of five. “I was telling them about this ugly 2-out-of-10 who was screami...

__

Some guys play it nice, others play it cool. Some take their time with a girl, and others are downright old-fashioned. Me? I don’t waste any time on that dinner and movie shit. As soon as I meet a girl I just get in there, do my thing, and then completely set aside my needs and wants for decades as the resulting child blossoms into the adult I dreamt they’d become. Go ahead and call me a disgusting womanizer, but I love the ladies and the ladies love me. Well, maybe not as much as the kid...

__

WRENTHAM, Mass. — Proud death metal fan parents Danica and Brandon Asheim were so excited about their five-year-old son’s first attempt at drawing a horrific image of a mutilated corpse that they hung it on their refrigerator, sources who cum blood confirmed.

“Our little Cerberus is really growing up and we’re so proud! He used to just draw boring poser shit like terrible A-frame houses, dogs, and kids playing outside all with stupid smiles on their faces. Like, even ...

Neuralink Update

FREMONT, Calif — Neuralink owner Elon Musk announced Neuralink Premium which will allow anyone using his implantable brain–computer interfaces to maintain basic bodily functions for $8 a month.

“This is a big step forward for humanity. If things keep moving forward at this rate then this will be a consumer product anyone can have lodged in their brain in less than a decade. Just think how easy it will be to turn on your television just by thinking ‘turn on television....

__

BRIGHTON, N.J. — Local medical marvel Rex Reynolds was reportedly born with a rare condition that made him a fan of rockabilly culture from birth, which was expected to pass after a period of time, several sources reported.

“It’s really the most curious case that I’ve ever seen in my three months as a pediatrician,” Dr. George Alan said. “Normally, when punk couples have kids, the child has a whole life of chaos ahead of them. But in this case, little Rex seems to be doomed ...

__

I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy and take things as they come, but it’s tough putting trust in my new Otolaryngologist. While I was doing my due diligence looking up their credentials online I discovered a treasure trove of strange unboxing videos from a YouTuber named “EarNoseThroatGoat.” It turns out that the guy who is about to do my biopsy, Dr. Hanson, has a small following doing this niche content. That’s gotta be a red flag, right?

I get that some people need a side hu...

__

LOS ANGELES – 26-year-old punk Max Goldstein unfortunately sustained an injury in a mosh pit immediately after being kicked off his parents’ insurance plan, concerned sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it was nuts. My friends and I stopped by a house show the day after my birthday. I decided to go into the pit, like I always do. When someone just barely brushed past me, all of my bones immediately turned to dust, “ said Goldstein solemnly. “They had to stop the show, turn the lights on...

__

They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies and I would be half in the bag before even arriving on dollar draught night. Just because the good old days are long gone doesn’t mean I can’t turn it up and have an unforgettable evening of my own...

Los Angeles Taxes at Work

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we were finally able to get some resources for these valuable techniques in the budget,” said de-escalation counselor Luigi Prestifillipo. “I kept advocating for getting some sort of training for our ...

__

KERFUFFLEVILLE — Bozo, a punk mouse living in the fictional children’s book town of Kerfuffleville, has reportedly taken up residence in a Marlboro Red carton, confirmed a whimsical assortment of anthropomorphic animals.

“I’ve been riding the rails and drifting from town to town. I finally landed here and I want to settle in, maybe start a band or something,” said Bozo, stretched out on a long discarded baby sock with a half-eaten piece of Gouda in his mouth. “I have lived i...

--

As a TikTok influencer first and a father second, I can tell you with  absolute authority and no small amount of daddy rizz that raising a kid  in Los Angeles is no Sunday trip to Mendocino Farms.

That’s why when my beloved son Yugi-Oh “Vine” Norris turned 15 ½, I  needed to teach him to drive in a way that was both defensive and  click-worthy. After freebooting other people’s parenting vids for six  hours, I came up with my best original idea since “...

-

SAN BERNADINO, Calif. — Redditor Nick Charles is reportedly  “absolutely fuming” about how disrespectful it is for an artist to  insert herself into her work, especially after the decades of men who  did it first and are still actively celebrated, sources confirmed.

Charles was reportedly shown irrefutable evidence on a subreddit  dedicated to “fighting mind viruses of any kind” that the Mary-Jane  Watson character in Spider-Man 2<...