MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Dan Stanford was accused of derailing date night at an upscale restaurant after he spent most of the evening gazing longingly at the dive bar across the street, patrons have reported.
“I’m really trying to be in the moment and enjoy dinner, truly! It’s not my fault I have a clear view of the alluring neon beer signs beckoning me inside. You think I want to pay $23 for a cheeseburger when I could be eating 50-cent wings and loading up the jukebox with ‘9...
2024-01-06 17:00:06 +0000 UTC
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Meet Ashley Hightower, a 28 year-old-college graduate from an upper-middle-class family. Like a lot of us, she has severe anxiety, but she manages that with her coping mechanism of choice, which is having chronic IBS that she carries with her everywhere.
Ashley has lived alongside this enabling affliction for nearly a decade and, despite the mess she makes in every public bathroom she enters, she considers IBS to be an invisible illness and she’s hoping to spread awareness.
“N...
2024-01-06 15:00:07 +0000 UTC
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LOS ANGELES — Local self-described “elder emo” Jasper Berkeley, 37, turned down the volume to his car stereo playing Taking Back Sunday’s 2002 classic “Cute Without The ‘E’ (Cut From The Team)” in a knee-jerk reaction when stopped at a red light next to a Jeep full of teenagers, snickering sources confirmed.
“It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or anything. Yeah I could see them pointing at me, and one of them rolled their eyes so hard I thought she was going to black o...
2024-01-06 13:00:06 +0000 UTC
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LOS GATOS — Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos announced today the streaming service is expanding on the “Skip Intro” button by introducing a “Skip to Where Series Gets Good” button, according to a press release.
“We did research and found that 80% of the time members weren’t looking at the screen during episodes which were often referred to as ‘just okay.’ This confirmed to us that people really wanted to skip to where a s...
2024-01-06 07:10:44 +0000 UTC
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Hello, my friends and loved ones! Thank you for reading this open letter. I have some news I’m very excited to share with you all, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear it:
As your token autistic friend, I’ve moved on to a new special interest, and it is an even more obscure and impenetrable video game than the last! That’s right, the latest media property to replace my entire personality is the entire Armored Core series by FromSoftware.
<...
2024-01-06 00:11:02 +0000 UTC
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DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by the owner’s parents and launched a Patreon to encourage support from its readers, confirmed sources.
“I was confused when I saw that The Hard Times was having money issues. I know whenever I need to pay rent or buy a new phone all I do is call up my dad, apol...
2024-01-05 19:03:00 +0000 UTC
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TULSA, Okla. — Local folk singer John “Ramblin’ Gamblin’” Shandling, age 41, took a firm stance against chronic foot pain by scrawling “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” on each of his orthopedic shoes, several Steinbeckian sources report.
“Plantar Fasciitis is the biggest threat to all us folks who are fortunate enough to be able to walk on our own two feet. And as long as I’m livin’ and singin’, I aim to fight the good fight against it on all fronts,” Rambl...
2024-01-05 15:00:14 +0000 UTC
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This certainly isn’t good. You’ve been left alone to watch the cart, and your turn at the cashier is rapidly approaching. But you don’t have money, you’re just a kid, and if something doesn’t change soon you are going to cry so much the store will flood. Your dad said he only needed to quickly grab some bread and that he would be right back, but you see through that bullshit. You know he’s not going to be back anytime soon, he’s probably talking to one of his adult friends about...
2024-01-05 13:30:01 +0000 UTC
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AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of his records get repressed, confirmed multiple sources on Discogs.
“I looked at the numbers and having a 401K, Roth IRA, home equity, or even a solid savings account are not as valuable as having an original ‘Chung King Can Suck It.’ It’s all about liquidity. You have to be 59½ to withdraw from a 401K without penalties. Meanwhile ...
2024-01-05 12:00:06 +0000 UTC
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Orlando, FL – In a surprising change of plans, the Walt Disney Company has greenlit a Kingdom Hearts attraction for Orlando’s EPCOT Resort, according to reports. The ride, canonically taking place between Kingdom Hearts Coded and Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance, is expected to have a four hour pre-show leading up to a 3 minute and 15 second ride.
In A D23 exclusive event, Josh D’Amaro, Chairman of Disney Parks and Resorts, revealed the latest Disney/Square Enix collaboration, ...
2024-01-05 08:38:26 +0000 UTC
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Wow. It looks like the community has effectively saved the sites. Thanks so much for the boosts, retweets, kind words. We had such low expectations for a patreon and are so overwhelmed with the support.
On Jan 1 our ad rates were cut by about 60% (seasonal ad spending). We panicked. After struggling to figure things out and other plans not working we thought it was over over. The Patreon was the last ditch effort. Now, our estimation is that it'll take about 60-90 day...
2024-01-05 01:42:32 +0000 UTC
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The road to success is not traveled in the backseat, it’s traveled with you in the driver’s seat, or perhaps walked by foot, or maybe in a car where you use your feet like Fred Flintstone. Either way, it means that the one who is doing it has to be you.
Before my financial woes were behind me I spent years living rough. I was working various jobs that caused calluses on my hands, spending nights studying for college exams, and refusing to spend money on frivolous things like orderin...
2024-01-04 22:30:01 +0000 UTC
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BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked cool 15 years ago, concerned and exasperated sources confirmed.
“When you discover such an iconic look for yourself, you need to celebrate it every day,” said Howell as he waved a steam wand over the battered cabby hat he purchased before he was able to fully grow facial hair. “You may see some ratty old hat, but years of wear and tear only spea...
2024-01-04 22:20:00 +0000 UTC
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BOSTON — Local punk Patricia "Peg Leg" Sullivan made a massive pledge of $20,000 per month to the recently launched Hard Times Patreon after randomly guessing a valid credit card number, confirmed Hard Times administrators hoping fraud alerts aren't triggered.
"I woke up pretty hungover and the first thing I saw on my phone was that The Hard Times was launching a Patreon and possibly going out of business if ...
2024-01-04 19:55:47 +0000 UTC
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Bethesda has announced that classic glitches and bugs from previous Bethesda Softworks titles will be available to purchase in Starfield as ‘Legacy Quirks’ under the Creations banner.
“Bugs and glitches have always been a core part of the Bethesda experience,” said Bethesda Games Studios Director, Todd Howard as part of the announcement, “and despite our dedication to making Starfield our biggest and most polished world yet, we realised that perhaps we made the game ‘just wo...
2024-01-04 16:49:18 +0000 UTC
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BIG FLATTS, N.Y. — 51-year-old nu-metal fan Ricky Clud recently expressed that Saliva's early 2000s classic “Click Click Boom'' was the secret to getting hyped up for his prostate exam, several crudely tattooed sources report.
“Before I hit the big 5-0, I was quite the badass. I'd always rock out to Saliva before getting drunk at the bowling alley picking fights, getting drunk at the county fair each year and picking fights, or even going to weddings then getting drunk and pic...
2024-01-04 16:16:29 +0000 UTC
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Thank you for your support. Please let us know what you'd like to see us focus on for Patrons.
2024-01-04 07:48:07 +0000 UTC
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Shopping website Temu has been trending lately for a few different reasons. Some people are calling it the new Wish.com after discovering items they purchased were not quite as advertised when they arrived. Others are complaining about the high volume of emails they’re getting from the site.
One man recently placed an order for a Playstation 5 being advertised on the site for the low price of $150. When it arrived at his house however, he found that it wasn’t quite what he expected....
2024-01-04 07:41:43 +0000 UTC
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TAMPA, FLORIDA — The family and friends of Gertrude Horowitz were devastated this morning to discover a semi-transparent button floating above the matriarch’s head prompting them to press “E to Interact”
“I was sitting by her hospital bed, eating breakfast and waiting for her to wake up. Some other family was meant to be coming later today,” said her son, David.
“That’s when I noticed a faint blue outline radiating around her, and her body started ...
2024-01-04 07:37:44 +0000 UTC
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New stuff coming soon. Thank you all for the support.
2023-04-25 06:22:15 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys share some special goodies and treats to celebrate their big season finale. And since you’re a patron, you get… well, the same as everybody else this time! Because it’s a celebration! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “THE ONLY BOOK I NEED IS RIGHT HERE”.
Finally, be sure to check out this wee...
2022-08-16 14:29:02 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys jam with some Gen Xers and prepare for their very special 150th episode. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “THE LEGENDARY WHORE OF PALATINE HIGH”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar and Ty mourn the generation we lost to downtempo indie music before reflecting on that time AC/DC rocked about rock. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “BENZOATE IS OFTEN USED AS A FOOD PRESERVATIVE”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured arti...
2022-07-27 11:01:02 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar and Diego launch their “all Shrek all the time” podcast and do math at the grocery store. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “BENZOATE IS OFTEN USED AS A FOOD PRESERVATIVE”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
- Unbegu...
2022-07-19 14:39:36 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Ty and Diego take in the crisp mountain air and explore the good parts of Americana while staying far, FAR away from the bad parts. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “SHAKEY GRAVES DOES NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO THIS SHOW”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s...
2022-07-12 11:00:01 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys gaze the hell out of some shoes and get to the bottom of that whole “white Bronco” situation. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “MIGHT AS WELL SWITCH OVER TO POO”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
- Catatonic Su...
2022-07-05 11:00:05 +0000 UTC
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On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys shoot down the gods of blues and beat up a poor sad singer-songwriter. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “CYST LICKER”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys podcast from the top of a trippy mountain and disagree a bunch. Go figure. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “THE SPICE MUST FLOW”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar reasserts the podcast hierarchy, and the boys trip balls to an industrial music video. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “DON’T TRIFLE WITH ME, DIEGO”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Ty and Diego mishear lyrics, do some spring reverb detective work, and miss their friend and boss Edgar terribly. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “SERGEANT MARYYYYYY”.
Finally, be sure to check out this week’s featured artists:
