Meredith

when suffering comes.

"your suffering is not despair, but desire. desire to meet the divine within you.

you are alive and well dear one, under the chaos.

you are alive and in love with your beating heart.

when suffering comes, know that it is your own self love that you are lonely for.

let yourself be wise to the needs that lurk behind the guises of those voices.

it is always love asking to be seen.

always love asking to be held."

from sarah blondins meditation call...

i am breath.

underwater

i’ve been getting in the river every single day for the month of june. i plan on getting in every day for the entire summer. my two daily rituals are meditating and getting in the water. every day. and every fucking day is the most glorious day to be alive. so thankful.

these are all photos from today

random images from around the house in may

georgina and i

i was green and now i am only pink

photos from may 8th, words from a while ago.

it’s wild to see the places i can come from and go to within just a few months.

green hues

pink blush.

green stems

pink petals.

from green in the cheeks

to pink in the collarbones.

from living, thinking, breathing in all the greens. you know.

to living in a world of only

pinks;

tongues -

pressed and glued to eyebrows and chin hairs and the ridged bumps o...

"I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you"

‘sometimes i see so much beauty, i don’t think that i can cope’

florence and the machines new album “dance fever” is the most i’ve related to an album in a long time. but maybe that’s just because i’ve been getting back into music in a way i was 7 years ago. but so many of the songs are about ‘dancing with anxiety’ as she would say. which i think is exactly why it’s so relatable for me. the energy, the movement, the grief, the fear. this album has helped me connect more with myself.

dancing alone

dancing alone

i’m reminded of myself

my freedom

my lust

and my anguish.

dancing alone

i am reminded of movement and how i love it all. them all. us all. every part of existence.

dancing alone

i am reminded to look at myself, stare her in the mirror, allow the tears,

and to catch myself here.

dancing alone is every time, every remedy i ever need.

a flower day / sunday afternoon

constantly torn

5/18/2022

constantly torn.

between myself

and between ourself.

between constant movement and growth of my own being and aliveness

and our constant shifting and learning and growth of our relationship.

i want to be out of the house,

i want to be making

and creating

and evolving

and learning

and dance dance dancing!

i want to be witnessing another and them witnessing me...

growing brighter

an evening alone in seattle

always here

mother’s day

it’s mother’s day and i am insanely sad. i just woke up and am so tired from working a double yesterday and today i’ll go into work and won’t see nalcoah today. but let’s feel it right? let’s let the tears come, let’s let the throat choke. let’s feel sunk into the mattress.

iam so sad and let’s feel it.

two years ago gid nalcoah and i - he made me the most marvelous breakfast. then we biked to the beach and the donut shop and got donuts. the...

dreary

expired film in black and white

disposable camera flash and no flash

a morning in hara part 2

same morning, different film🖤

kitchen table

so giddy about how this roll of expired film looks. i especially love the way my nipple piercing looks in the silhouette in the second photo 🤍

some notes from the morning of april 15th

sitting in blue lit bubbles from the blue of the sky filling the room before the sunlight comes in.

faded fogged windows.

soft blue skin.

breasts that droop down my ribs and graze the water.

towels that swoosh and swirl into each other.

fresh new buds almost touching the window.

i get out. i drip all over the floor.

bubbles slide down my thigh, calf, ankle and make a new home on the wood.

sometimes allowing the mess and letting it get everywhere...

i create it

i decide.

i create it.

i decide.

i am creating my dream life.

slowly… but slowly!

and that dream life is basically just community,

friendships,

to be with people.

to sit IN life with them.

it’s taking time,

years.

and really,

really what it took, what it takes,

is asking for what i want.

going up to someone even with my hands shaking and asking them if they want to do a book club with me.

i am so hap...

breathe

the more i meditate the more i become aware of just how sacred our breath is. the more i am called into the moment with my breath, the more i realize that’s all there really is. the more i am able to become aware of my breath, the more i realize how much life is living inside me. how simple and delicate that life is. life is all in a breath. in my lungs. in the in and out of every moment. the air that surrounds me constantly. is that what god really is. air. breath. the breath of life. it�...

am i just the same now as i was at 4?

I’ve been spending a lot of my days recently thinking about myself when I was 4 and 5 and 6.

My only memories of that time seem to be either beautiful; immersed in nature - mud, water, tall grasses, and immersed in imagination.

Or, immersed in anxiety, specifically existential anxiety. I went to a christian elementary school and remember coming into the classroom many different times crying or feeling like crying and asking someone to help me say the prayer to accept Jesus i...

i do not end at my edges

know me!

know me!

i want to scream into the abyss,

i scream into my mind!

i scream for them all to hear.

i feel my body, the walls of me,

and i know i am not just my body,

but i am everywhere,

everything.

when i think and i wonder if someone can hear me,

it’s because they can hear me,

all of them.

all of us.

when i breathe in the pain

and breathe out the peace,

it’s for all of us.

i am not just...

meditate. masturbate.

meditate,

masturbate.

meditate,

masturbate.

meditate….

or masturbate?

how about both?

masturbating helps me come into my body,

and meditating helps me come into my body.

and when i join them together

(which often it is so hard to do that, because my brain still conflates sexual satisfaction with aggression and distrust and hatred. thank you sexism and misogyny… but when i am able to join them together,)

it feels like an ent...

home alone and it feels so good

i will feed it to them

laying in bed

woke up at 4,

now it’s 5:30.

stuffy nose,

the most content i’ve ever been.

laying in bed

went to sleep at 8:30

woke up to write

to process.

where i am,

who i am.

i am learning,

i am healing.

i feel more loved than i have ever felt

because i feel love for myself.

real love.

have i ever known love before this?

is that why i have always wondered,

“what is love?”

notice me, notice us, notice her.

not sure.

but compassion, empathy and love.

not sure.

but being willing, present and open.

not sure.

but here, with myself.

here intertwined with nalcoah.

always wishing there was a way to photograph how our bodies sleep and rest together.

wishing there was a way to capture her and i, in this moment.

in each and every moment.

the only possible way is to just be in the moment when it’s happening.

stay with it.

stay here....

growing pains

i am so tired.

i don’t know if i can do this.

i don’t know if i want to.

i look back on the agony i was in the last few days of january, where i wrote

“…i would do anything. i would… and never complain about sexism again if i could have him back…”

and god does that make me feel silly.

wow, i fucking meant that with everything in me when i wrote it.

but i know and i knew that that was not for me. the life i had, the pain i was in constant...