Gamers love to nostalgia-wank about the good old days of gaming, back when everything was bits and women weren’t interested so it didn’t even matter that they weren’t allowed. I’m not immune to it, myself: I adore pixel art and I’ll always remember where I was when I first found out ninjas kidnapp...
2020-11-03 13:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostTwo Learning Days ago we looked at Science 4 for Christian Schools, a textbook training children to kill the moon. It also covered tubed and untubed plants along with the latest confu...
2020-11-02 13:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostBrockway: If you’re talking weird horror flicks, somebody will inevitably say you have to see Hausu, the 1977 Japanese haunted house movie that confused and aroused Americans with screamed gibberish and panty shots long before Sailor Moon made it cool. I’ve actually ne...
2020-10-30 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post"Men! WHO CAN FIGURE THEM OUT?" are the first words 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention says to the reader, and I challenge any author to more quickly demonstrate how inadequate their book is going to be. In six words, Michelle McKinney Hammond has told her aud...
2020-10-29 12:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostUltimate Tag is a real show that I did not make up no matter how many times I fact check this sentence. Nope, still real. Are you sure? Yeah, holy shit. This is the world, everybody. We’ve reached stupid critical mass here and any further stupid will have to happen in space.
2020-10-28 12:00:03 +0000 UTC
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"Take this book! It's too late for me!" screamed the man who leapt through my window. I nodded, mistaking these for the words of a dying man. Instead, he remained alive, saying many, many more things as the night turned into morning. Along with the book, he gave me his life story and several apologies for t...
2020-10-27 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostCaptain Video and his Video Rangers was a 1950s sci-fi TV series that absolutely pioneered the burgeoning art of not giving a shit. They barely named the characters. Captain Video’s first name was Captain and The Video Ranger’s first name was “The.” He had generic adventures in space and th...
2020-10-26 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostLet's talk women, ladies, and all the things that make women "Great!" Shoes! Underpants! Shoes! Shoes! Can you name 999 more? Stop, don't bother! In 2005, "authors" Lisa Birnbach, Ann Hodgman, and Patricia Marx already did it! Their shitlike but feminine minds wrote the definitive guide to dingbat stream-of...
2020-10-23 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostThe last movie sex scene I brought you was that time the kid from A Christmas Story jacked off a sentient dirtbike. But that was more a condemnation of The Dirt Bike Kid’s flagrant violation of child protection and robotics laws. It has been said that I’m just not a very erotic writer,...
2020-10-22 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostSometimes cross-promotions are successful, like when the Target Dog fought and ultimately killed the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Of course, today, we're not going to talk about the most beloved dog murder in modern history. We're talking about a period during the early 90's console wars when Sega was so horny for ...
2020-10-21 12:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostBasically every hobby I have is either problematic in nature, or quickly becomes problematic because of the way I do it. Take memes: I can’t just enjoy them and move on; I have to dig into them. I have to research them. I have to hunt them to the ends of the earth until I finally corner them, having alrea...
2020-10-20 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostThere is no shortage of knowledge out there. A woman named Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world record for biggest tits, for example. Yet there are so many mysteries left unsolved. Trees? Electricity? The fucking moon!? Name a single thing other than God that can explain them. Let me...
2020-10-19 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostHappy Upsetting Day! Hopefully you’re not upset that you’re getting a podcast instead. Today we discuss the important and oft-overlooked movie genre: Over the Top<...
2020-10-16 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostOh, hi! Do you like butt stuff, only you wish it was more of a clinical exploration of the erogenous clusters inside your anus? Then you'll love the 2003 VHS cassette tape, THE BETTER SEX GUIDE TO ANAL PLEASURE!
Warning: This article is explicit as fuck and technically 2020-10-15 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Malibu was a slipshod comic imprint that could have only existed in the gimme-gimme-glut of ‘90s comics. Malibu’s entire business model was “mom knows you’re sick so she picks up comics and you appreciate the gesture too much to tell her to fuck herself for buying The Ferret.” And yet, be...
2020-10-14 12:00:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Road House is not the Citizen Kane of bouncer movies. Citizen Kane is the Road House of newspaper movies. This is my third and possibly final column in the series I'm calling, "How The Eighties Convinced Men They Could Murder Their Way To A Bigger Cock, Inadvertently Causing All Of Our Problems Today" (2020-10-13 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Blockbuster died so hard that today it’s a joke: a punchline whose setup is how terrifyingly fast new technology can destroy whole industries. But back in the day, Blockbuster was King Dick of Fuck Island, and everyone knew it. Working at Blockbuster was the dream job of every teenager and thirty-somethin...
2020-10-12 12:02:10 +0000 UTC View Post
Welcome back, 1-900-HOTDOG readers! We now rejoin my responses to Nintendo Power's reader mail responses already in progress.
Fucking is simple. Find the hole or surface of your choice and apply friction until your mother is ashamed of you. Technology made fucking complicated. The internet drove fucking insane. Let’s talk about Hololive, which is a Japanese Vtuber talent agency for Idoru camgirls.
If you lead a wholes...
2020-10-08 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post
Many years ago, I put a thing on the Internet called "Seanbaby's NES Page" which featured a section called "Dear Nintendo, My Life is a Goddamn Mess." It was about weird letters fans wrote to Nintendo Power magazine which they somehow chose to print. And here's something fun: That's what we're doing today!
Before we start, I want to update you on the main character from the ori...
2020-10-07 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
I normally have a strict rule against watching movies with names that are too close to what their porn parody names would be (Grandpa Under Covers), but I put my principles aside for Undercover Grandpa. After all, it is one of the best action/family/comedy films ever made, in Canada, in 2017, starring James Caan.
2020-10-06 12:00:10 +0000 UTC
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It's been 7 months since we started this website-- an oasis of fun designed so two incredible men could produce short bits of daily hilarity. But we are not men of short bits. Our mighty hands type jokes by the thousands. Our strong backs hunch over to Photoshop by the hectares. So it has become this: more comedy than any world deserves. The people have told us things like, "This is good, thanks," or...
2020-10-05 12:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Making fun of fan fiction is tricky. On the one hand, it absolutely deserves to be mocked. On the other hand, you’re absolutely an asshole for mocking it. For starters, a professional writer making fun of an amateur writer is generally considered punching down, and people frown on that, despite it clearly being the best direction to punch from. You get extra momentum from gravity!
There...
2020-10-02 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIn man's quest to get his dong into things, he has tried an infinite number of options. A romance "expert" named Gregory JP Godek made it his quest to list them all then spent decades boiling it down to one-- fuck on pizza. On 2020-10-01 12:01:05 +0000 UTC View Post
You probably know that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a recut of a Japanese show with new American actors. It wasn’t white-washing, but it was white-splicing, which… actually sounds way worse, like an extremely popular thread you’d find on 8kun. To nobody’s surprise except for apparently everyone in Hollywood, the original Chojin Sentai shows were often way better. But not...
2020-09-30 12:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Today is my 15th 1-900-HOTDOG Punching Day article, and according to Punching Day tradition, this is the anniversary where I give you, my lover, the gift of Kill Switch. Kill Switch is, of course, the 2008 direct-to-video "action" movie "starring" Steven Seagal. You will fucking hate me for it, which is perfectly in line with our hot dog traditions.
2020-09-29 12:00:03 +0000 UTC
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“Do you want to fuck them? Do you want to fuck them all? It’s up to you whether or not you fuck the whole world. But I’ll warn you now: You’ll have to work very hard not to.”
That sounds like the introductory narration to a banned porn parody of Conan the Barbarian. It sounds like the start of a dangerous manifesto posted to a Reddit hatesub by a man whose bodypillow ju...
2020-09-28 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Here in America, we've designed an easily corrupted, very racist justice system. Then we incentivized everyone involved in that system to be the maximum amount of lazy and evil. After that, we declared it a virtue for you to put all your trust into it. It has not gone well. This Upsetting Day, we're talking about THE PRISON ALPHABET.
2020-09-25 12:01:01 +0000 UTC
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When the internet was still in its early days, we had not perfected the fine art of masturbating to nerd shit. The will was always there, but the technology simply hadn’t caught up yet. While you waited twenty minutes for a low resolution screenshot of topless Teri Hatcher to download, you might just lose patience and settle for cranking one out to the spandex asses of shows like Bla...
2020-09-24 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
The year was 1986, and being cool at parties was in. But cool at parties wasn't something you could simply decide to be, nerds. You had to put in the work. You had to watch "top-rated star" Malcolm Jamal Warner on a VHS cassette for nearly 30 minutes. Think that sounds easy? You goddamn nerds, wait until you try getting through "SHOW ...
2020-09-23 12:01:14 +0000 UTC View Post
