Ancilla L

A dead dandelion on the floor.

I turn over to my other side, extend my arm and search for him with my fingers. The discovery that the bed is empty beside me causes a completely unnecessary, almost paroxysmal response, I go from deep slumber to sitting upright in a matter of seconds. I get out of bed, pick up my long, black T-shirt off the floor and pull it on over my throbbing head. I am so thirsty. I look around the room and find my bottle on his side of the bed, as I walk to it I notice, on the dressing table,...

What are your holes worth?

The pearls are plastic, so I guess they aren't really pearls at all. I ripped them off a shirt I bought because I liked what was written on it, but I don't care for fake (or real) pearls on a shirt. I don't know what would possess a person to believe a crop top needs a pearl-hem. I do, however, understand being so out of ideas it just feels like you're creating anything. Or even, the same thing over and over again.

"Is this the most your holes have ever been worth?" He asks.

T...

Podcast E34: Disillusionment and Modern Sex Work.

I have been working on a story about the industry of sugar babies and sugar daddies, it led to some interesting observations. I've also been realising i am no fun at all, that led to less interesting observations. Skip to minute-nineteen if you only want to listen to the bits about transactional relationships and would choose to skip my rumination on post truth fog being reminiscent of the lost generation. 

I Deserve To Be Violated.

"You can't do anything to me now, I'm hidden," I say, pushing my face into the pillow and placing my hands on the sides of my face.

He puts his hand on my butt, rubbing the cold object in his hand against my skin, but he laughs and plays along.

"Oh no baby," he says, "Now that you are ostriching, how will I ever find you? Where did you go?"

I laugh into the pillow, but on the inside, I am scoffing at myself. The reality of my childlish wonder is chimeric, m...

Sex, Love And God.

Every once in a while, I feel like praying. I am tempted to put out a mat, kneel beside my bed or fold my hands in some kind of deliberation. I don't believe in gods, higher powers or really anything that requires a leap of faith, but it takes all of my sagacity to know that I am the type of person who should stay away from organised systems of faith, because I am and have been tempted. My interest in religion has nothing to do with God, I am attracted to systems that tell me how to b...

Dirty Whore At The Bar.

"Go to the bathroom and take pictures of your pussy for me," she said pushing my phone across the table to pass it to me.

I looked at her and then at my own reflection in the glossy napkin holders that were at every table in the bar. I looked like someone else. I am by no means conservative but I never dress flashy or loud. She dressed me that evening in a bright red skirt and a leopard-print almost-golden top. She put sparkly golden glitter over my eyelids and painted my lips a brigh...

He Brought Me Flowers.

The moment I saw the flowers in his hand, I looked around, as if expecting to find a stranger in my house whom I had previously failed to notice. He didn't hold them out to me. As he entered through the doorway, he set them down on the table, alongside the other bags of groceries and vegetables.

"You brought me flowers." I said, because I needed him to confirm that they were, in fact, arrogated to me.  

"I did," he said, walking over and kissing my head, "Let me put them i...

Having Sex For Fun.

Sunil was the first guy I fucked in Bangalore. It happened two days after I had moved there and one day before it occured to me that I needed to own a broom and a mop. My choice of city had been predicated on two factors —where it rained most when I first visited colleges and what place was furthest away from where I was raised — and Bangalore won on both counts. There was a violent storm the night I first visited and the shift from North to South was stark enough that my past had...

Podcast E33: The gratifying cringefest of mindfucking.

Are you like me and the word mind-fuck makes your skin crawl even though the act of engaging in the act is extremely gratifying? Good, let's rename the thing please. 

In this episode I talk about mindfucks and what I think they are (and why we should change their name), whether you can engage in them safely and what it looks like when you aren't. 

Enjoy!

13 Men Who Bought Me: C7: The One Who Was More Than One.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here. All pieces can be accessed here in order.

................

Chapter 7: The One Who Was More Than One.

I had just returned from the annual trip to the Maldives that I took with a client who liked to spend about seven days a year being pegged by a gorgeous woman. It had been a ...

Feminism Made Me A Woman.

My favourite film is Dev D. If you haven't watched it, actually even if you have, let me explain it. It's the most recent (from 2009) and "modern" retelling of an old Bengali novel which has spawned as many cinematographic ventures as the works of Shakespeare. Very simplistically, it's a Madonna-Whore story, with a man battling addiction at the middle of it, it's a little bit heavy on the metaphor. Earlier renditions of this film have very specifically, elaborately and culturally writ...

A Room Of Pain

I lie on my side, my head is resting atop the crest of my numb right shoulder, my arm would hang in the air but I am holding, in my fingers, the chain that fastens my neck to the door. I wrap the slack around my wrist, and then release. In stochastic patterns I bind and release my wrist over and over again, the futility of the act rivaled only by its mundanity. I watch the room. There is nothing in the room — no furniture, no tchotchkes,  not even a window — only a layer o...

All my collars are broken.

I always thought that if I ever got a collar it would be one of those heavy metal ones that you need a key to take off and it would be absolutely indestructible unless you fall into a kiln. The kind you have to have forged before you can buy, not just click a button on a website that sells mass produced jewellery manufactured in China. I thought I would have something heavy and cold. It made sense because that's who I am too. Heavy and cold. I thought I would have something that couldn't ...

Podcast E32: Kinky Predators and How To Spot Them.

A conversation with some friends led me to thinking about predators and how they operate. Enjoy my thoughts!

Podcast E31: When No means Yes And Also No.

Hello everyone! 

You know we talk about communication and CNC so much yet I constantly find myself at odds with people the moment I question the gamut of information a little bit. It often feels like when CNC as a state is achieved, communication ceases entirely. So what does communication look like within the confines of that dynamic? Is there a need to monitor the active state of consent of you bottom? When does that consent matter more? When does violating the given c...

My master didn't build my sexuality.

"*So what was your training like? How did your master turn you into this kind of masochist? Can you share a little bit about how he made you into this person? What did he do to make you take all this kind of pain? How, oh how, did he manage to mould your sexuality into exactly what he needed?*"

Those are just a few examples of questions I have been asked, mostly by men but there have definitely been other genders in the mix. I have never responded to these questions but they ir...

Kneel To The Flag.

My poorly-paid teachers,
In a pristine classroom once taught,
Saffron tales of tolerance,
Verdant stories of prosperity,
And the blanched values of peace.
And I, like a hungry infant at the teat,  
Lapped at these lessons,
As if stocking up on stores of identity.
Because in the tapestry of my country,
I was told,
I would find me.  

But father, I was taught a lie.

The streets where I was supposed to find god,
Are littered wi...

Podcast E30: What makes an unsafe bottom?

Hello all you people! 

I have been on the longest vacation of my life and it's been great. I am focusing on making this podcast more kink-centric and to that end this edition is about behaviours that make a bottom unsafe to play with and how you can cater to them as a bottom or a top. 

Enjoy! 

Be Irrelevant.

A quiet evening after a quiet day. It may not have been quiet on the outside but some days I feel so quiet on the inside. It’s as if the people inside me have all left; like a dormitory during summer break. Or a school music-room in the middle of the night. The kind of room you can just walk into and you automatically know that it is used to noise. And so the quiet, is sometimes, unsettling.
Maybe because when all the voices have left, I have little knowledge about who I really am. I fe...

How I look is not how I feel.

When I was twenty-three my relationship with my body changed dramatically. I grew up wanting what any young women are taught to want, I wanted to be beautiful. I had no idea what that meant, but I knew that it did not mean me and that much was reinforced by my social environment.  I was fat and fat is not beautiful. For years I thought I was so extremely fat that I went to clothing stores and asked not for clothes in my size, but the biggest clothes they had. My mother used to do thi...

I Want To Love Them.

She ushers me in through the front door and tells me to wait while she calls on her husband to come meet me. It sounds like he is in the shower. I wander around the house, wondering where I should sit. When I was a young girl I used to go in and out of this house like I owned it, I slept here when my parents were out, she fed me when I was hungry, they helped me with homework and later, with the exquisite existential heartache of being a precocious teenager in a world that made no sen...

When I Cannot Touch Him.

I didn't mean to but my hand reached out to his. He was sitting with his knees on either side of me and punching my jaw. The right side of my mouth felt swollen like a smooth cunt that had just been waxed. Inside my mouth, I could taste the blood. I don't love the taste of blood, especially mine, there's too much iron in my blood and it tastes like liquid metal, but I like how blood feels in my mouth. I like how I feel when things start to bleed, it's the same feeling I get when the thund...

Bully.

The waistband of my underwear is pulled up so high it rests right underneath my breasts. She grips the fabric on the front inside her fist and pulls, forcing the bunched up gusset to cut against my clitoris.

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" She asks, leaning against me and whispering her words over my shoulder.

The discomfort is not the problem. I thrive in discomfort. Put a pebble in my shoe and watch how that restores meaning to my life, cut the pad of my thumb an...

So Much garbage!

There is an old picture in my grandmother's house, one from seventeen years ago. In it, I am standing in front of a fire truck, posing with a bunch of firemen while the smoke from the fire they had just put out lingered in the air. There had been a forest fire, a controlled burn that exceeded the intended lines a little bit and reached the moutain in front of our house. Back then, this was rare, and for us kids, this morning was so exciting, we ran around hoping to catch a spray from the hose...

I Wrote This Story.

I want to kiss it.

The twinkle in the tip of the shoe in my lap feels like looking into the eyes of a creature I conjured from inanimate leather, and I want to kiss it.

For a moment, I forget you're there, I forget the pain in my jaw, I forget the throbbing in my head, I forget the stench of cruelty that hangs in the air between us, like the breath of entwined lovers in the morning; there's nothing but me and the twinkle

I lean over and kiss it.

'You're so s...

Am I Her Abuser?

I only found out he had gotten married when she first contacted me. I sat in my living-room, staring at the message on my phone and holding my breath like an animal hiding from a hunter, too scared to exhale lest it be discovered.

‘Hi, my name is Isha. I am the wife of Mannat. I really want to talk to you. I know you won’t talk to me, but please, please I need to talk to you. Please message me back. Don’t call.’

I read her words over and over, as if I expect...

Love Will Not Cure You.

From time-to-time my flatmate Married Suzanne (she's married now so I have changed her name to that permanently) and I used to get other roommates. There wasn't really a system to how we did this but once every few months someone would move into the spare "room" or live on the couch while they searched for a real home. It was fun, we met a lot of nice people that way and we were able to help out the female transient population in a country where single women have a hell of a time trying to re...

Asking For It.

"Daddy," I said while playing with his fingers while he watched something on his computer, "How many of your fingers do you think will fit inside me?"

He looked at me as if he was expecting me to say exactly that. I am predictable in some ways and he knows me well enough to know I am turned on by his big, strong hands. Some people like big feet, some people like big dicks but me, I like big hands. Big hands that make mine seem tiny and so dainty. Big hands to squeeze my throat...

Memory.

She placed them neatly on the shelf,
and packed them full in suitcases,
she lined them across the mantle,
and stuffed the rest into plastic bags,
that were pushed to the back of the closet.
On the wall a broken clock hung ticking,
the faded tip of the Eiffel tower still clear,
on the paper behind the cheap plastic hands.
Her sister had given it to her at her wedding,
but she didn't talk to her sister anymore,
not since that incident at Christmas,
and ...

Old-fashioned violence.

"What are you thinking?" He asked.

It's a question we avoid in our house these days. It's just one of those phases in life, there is so much going on and nobody knows how to handle something we have no control over so we're just waiting for it to come to pass. Sometimes that is the best you can do in life, you can accept there is a limit to your control over it and just wait in quiet dread. In quiet dread, these days, we don't ask that question because we can see the answer in eac...