The Gifts of Dominance and Submission

It’s the gift giving season and ads are all about buying things to give to the people you love.  These ads actually kind of bring me down even when logically I understand they’re just marketing to push people to spend money.  The narrative seems to be that your love for someone can be judged by the gifts you give and it’s good to be in competition with others to give better or more lavish gifts.

This can sometimes bleed into our M/s or D/s relationships.

Years ago, there was a well-worn trope in BDSM circles about “submission is a gift.”  This was usually accompanied by romantic pictures of a person kneeling at their lover’s feet and all kinds of flowery declarations of how a submissive or slave should be treasured for their submission, placed on a silken pillow, and told that they are very, very special.

There was nothing inherently wrong or bad about this, but it kind of missed the point for a lot of people and that is that Dominance is also a gift.  Dominance and submission are a dance, an exchange, something people create together and both sides of that exchange are important and precious and worth celebrating.

I have been a Dominant myself in a couple of relationships where I had a woman in service to me and I can tell you first hand that it was a lot of work.  I had to often put my own wants or needs aside in a moment to tend to my submissive.  It was a weighty responsibility being in charge and trying to take care of them.  After two different relationships ended on friendly terms, I realized that role just wasn’t natural to me and while I definitely enjoyed Topping and being dominant in a scene, I did not enjoy being Dominant in my relationships.  I much preferred letting go and being the submissive partner.  Still, I really treasure the times I had in those relationships and how much I learned about what my Dominant partners go through.  I don’t think I’d be the submissive I am today if I hadn’t taken a walk on the Dominant side.

The relationships we build together are the gift for everyone involved and they’re gift that is more like giving someone a houseplant than cut flowers.  A power exchange requires tending by both sides of the slash.  It requires commitment and intention and trust and communication and working through uncomfortable or painful situations and feelings…and it requires all this from both partners.

When my partner goes out of their way to provide me with their Dominance, they create a container for me to express my submission within and both are the greatest gifts we can give.  They both require the courage to be vulnerable and open up ourselves never knowing completely if our gift of self will be accepted fully and reciprocated.

Just like in our holiday gift giving, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our power exchange to something we see in the dungeon or munch and wonder if our gift is as worthy as someone else’s.  It’s also easy to fall into giving with expectations or even, if we feel we aren’t being treated fairly, withholding our gifts until the other person gives theirs.  We can become cynical, like a BDSM grinch, refusing to open ourselves up and being stingy with our dominance or submission to our partner.

All of these can rot a power exchange relationship from the inside out, but getting back to giving freely and generously, without expectation and simply for the joy of giving can be tough.  It can take making a risk like trying to pull a sled back up a mountain to create change in an existing relationship or help us be ready to take the plunge with a new partner.

I like to think this time of year, so close to the New Year and in the darkest part of winter, can also be a good time for new beginnings.  I plan to use my gifts in the coming year more bravely and stop comparing what I give and get to what anyone else gives or gets.  I also plan to give without expectation simply because my submission pleases me whether or not it is reciprocated every time with the dominance I’m hoping for.

Happy Holidays!