What to do When Your Power Exchange Styles are Mismatched

By RedWarrior

In an ideal world, we would all find the partners who were into exactly the kind of things we are into, at the exact same level.  Unfortunately, especially when it comes to power exchange, it can be really challenging to find someone who matches you perfectly, especially when there are other considerations that come into play.

When I am dating trying to find a Dominant or Master or Mistress, it often seems like Mission Impossible.  I want someone I’m attracted to, that is around my own age, that is healthy and active, who ideally rides a motorcycle, who plays hard, and appreciates my geeky sense of humor.  It’s a tall list of very specific qualities and being dominant and wanting a power exchange is just one among those.  I’m most used to 24/7, TPE, M/s relationships, but that’s also a very small subset of power exchange relationships, particularly where I live in the midwest, where BDSM in general is often much more casual and laid back than in other regions of the US.

As a result, I often find myself dating people without much power exchange experience or whose style of power exchange is far different from what I’m used to.

Currently, I’m “going steady” (his words) with a really great guy who is what I would most likely term a “bedroom player.”  He is very dominant in the bedroom and he does have a dominant personality outside of it, but he prefers not to flex those Dominant muscles much in everyday life.  He is smart and recognizes that the more control he might take, the more responsibility he would take on, so he is very careful about what he chooses to take control of.  He gives me very few rules and almost no protocols and when he does guide, it is a very gentle nudge, not the yank of a chain I am used to.  He is also very new to BDSM in general, so he often doesn’t have the language or hasn’t thought about all of this for as long.

Conversely, what I am used to and often crave, is a firm hand, or even a boot in my neck.  I adore structure and constriction and love being in high protocol.  Rules and rituals help me know what is expected of me and how best to please my partners.  They help me feel secure in the relationship and bring me clarity in how I interact with the world.

So, when it comes to power exchange styles, we’re about as different as we could be while both still enjoying power exchange at all.  So…how does this work?

As the person with the craving for greater power exchange, I often find that it falls to me to do the most work adjusting to what he is able and willing to offer.  I often have to think about what I’m feeling and question it.  It can be easy to feel less secure or connected when I’m more used to tighter control even if that really isn’t the reality of the relationship.  It can also be easy to feel untethered or adrift without that level of control in my life and begin to blame him rather than looking for ways to satisfy that need myself.

In many ways, I’ve found that falling back on the tools I have used as a single submissive or slave is really helpful.  When I’m single, I often create my own rules to help provide order to my life.  These rules can be simple ones like “I will make my bed each morning” or can be more elaborate, “I will save this percentage of each paycheck and put it into an emergency fund.”  I take on the role of being my own Dominant when I am single and try to take care of myself as a good Dominant would.  In the case of having a partner who craves less control than I might prefer, I can then basically give over parts of my life that I’ve been controlling and continue on being my own Dominant in those parts he or she does not want control over.

I also try to recognize that just because someone might not want that full responsibility over me or control of me does not mean their feelings for me are any less real or intense.  At times I struggled with partners who did not want to hold me in as tight of a grip because it can be easy to mistake that intensity of control for intensity of love or passion.  Love can look like very different things coming from different people and be no less real and intense.

For his part, he has been willing to compromise and try out domination in areas he might not otherwise have tried because we’ve communicated and he understands how much I crave it.  We’ve worked together to figure out smaller things he can take control of without putting too much burden onto him in terms of time or energy spent.  There have been times when he has really enjoyed trying out some rule or taking some bit of control and then there are others where he quickly realized it didn’t do much for him.

As the person with the greater appetite for power exchange, I find I’m having to dig deeper into those needs and understand them on a level I didn’t need to before.  Is this really a need or a want?  Is this something I need from my partner or is there another way to meet it?  And, if it is something I need from my partner, how do I best communicate that to someone who is coming from a very different perspective than my own and may not understand it.

Recently, we ran into a great example of this in action.

We were out riding our motorcycles, discussing lunch over our intercoms.  He’d offered to take me “anywhere you want to go,” and I’d hesitated.  In my submissive mind, I was already off to the races, overthinking whether I should choose something he would like and if so, what would that be, how expensive should it be, how much out of the way…so many variables and I wanted to get it “right.”  Instead, he noticed I was hesitating and asked, “Would you like me to just choose?” and I, relieved, said, “yes please!”  As he reflected on this he said, “You really don’t like having to make decisions for both of us, do you?”

I was glad I had my helmet on and was riding behind him where he couldn’t see my facial expression, because I’m sure it was something like, “YES!!! FINALLY!!!”  I just grinned and responded, “No, I prefer it if you choose.”  He basically said, “Oh, good.  I’m good with that.”  This, to me, was a reminder that I need to communicate more clearly to him because he doesn’t have the background in D/s or M/s and, in this brief conversation, we moved a little bit further down the path of power exchange in a way that felt good for both of us.

All successful relationships require compromise and power exchange relationships are no exception to this rule.  However, don’t rule out the possibility of a fulfilling power exchange just because your initial styles might not be an even match.