Clues to Look For When Dating a D or M Type

By RedWarrior

A lot of Dominants and Masters or Mistresses can have all the mojo in the world and talk a good game, but when it comes to assessing a potential D or M type for more than just casual pickup play, the devil, as they say, is in the details.

These are just the things I’ve started to look at, based on my own personal experience and why I look for them, not necessarily what anyone else should look for. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Appearance

I’m not talking about how hot they are, but that always is a plus. Here I’m particularly looking for how much care and attention they put into their appearance. Is their hygiene clearly a priority? Are their clothes fit well and seem well cared for or do they give off a general look of sloppiness? Do they have a specific aesthetic that they follow? Would that fit with mine or would I need to change my wardrobe a lot? Do they seem to maintain their clothing well? Bonus points if they have older items like boots, a belt, or jacket that clearly have been lovingly maintained.

These are clues to the care and intention they put into how others see them. If they’re wearing something stained or torn or worn out now, this is likely the best it’s going to be. If their hygiene is lacking on a date, you can bet it will be worse in daily life. However if they are neat and well-groomed, it shows me this date was important to them and they took care with how they would look.

Their Car and/or Toys

If I get to see their vehicle, this can tell me VOLUMES, but often at first meet, it’s at a munch or a dungeon, so in that case, I may have to go off of other possessions. I don’t care what kind of vehicle they drive or what it cost. What’s a lot more important is how it is maintained. Is the interior neat or cluttered with wrappers? Is the check engine light on or the fuel below 1/4 tank? What is the wear on their tires? Is there obvious dents or road rash on the car or truck?

A vehicle is a significant investment for pretty much anyone, the most expensive possession that is easily seen by outsiders. I can see a lot about this they might care for another prized possession by looking for clues as to how they treat this one. Do they drive cautiously or don’t mind denting it up? Are they conscientious about routine maintenance or lax? Do they regularly clean and detail their car, showing pride in how it looks or is it simply used and put away?

Would I want to be treated the way this D or M type treats this vehicle? If they are this lax or stringent in cleaning and maintenance for their car, what might that tell me about how they clean and maintain their BDSM toys?

Which brings us to their toy bag…

Is there some organization there do they can find everything they want easily? Are their toys clean and well maintained? Here, quantity and variety matters a lot less to me than that they are clean and well cared for. I especially like to see older toys that are their favorites that have been carefully cared for.

How They Interact With Others

Are they polite with others in a position of service? Do they notice people and try to help others feel comfortable around them? Do they seem to have long term friends who know them well? When they’re in an unfamiliar environment do they become frustrated or anxious? What happens when something goes wrong? Are they patient or easily frustrated? If they make a mistake, are they quick to take responsibility and work to fix it? Can they handle someone correcting them? Do they listen to understand or to respond? What happens when someone difficult to interact with approaches them? Are the curious and open to learning from others?

These tell me a lot about their temperament and ability to get along in a community as well as how they might treat someone in service to them. I love to see that they have longstanding friendships and that they can get along with people who disagree with them. It’s a huge green flag if they’re open to different perspectives or even criticism from others.

How They Interact With Me

Are they careful to respect boundaries and consent even while flirting? Do they seem interested in me specifically or are they looking around the room to see who else might be available? Do they seem protective in that they are concerned with my safety? Can they hold eye contact? Do they ask beyond superficial questions? Do they have an idea of what they want in their relationship(s) and can they articulate that to me? Do they have a sense of humor and are willing to laugh at their own mistakes? Are they actively learning and growing in their journey as a D or M type with or without me? Do they seem genuine and warm or like they are roleplaying? Are they a good mix of considerate but decisive?

Their Backstory

Do they have exes or former play partners that they are still friends with or who are even references or is every ex somehow crazy or a villain? When they talk of past relationships are they willing to take responsibility for their mistakes or talk about how they learned and grew? Can they speak with fondness about some of their past relationships? If they’re newer to BDSM, why did they hold back until recently? What drew them in? What are their interests? If they haven’t been out long, do they have other hobbies or interests that they have maintained over time? Do they have strong family relationships or supportive friends?

How I Feel With Them

Do I feel excited to be with them? Do I feel safe sharing vulnerable stories with them even if I feel nervous about how their hands might feel on me? Do I feel respected and valued and that boundaries are being respected? Do I feel rushed or pressured or do I feel the D or M type sticking to a reasoned pace, even if I’m feeling eager to move quicker? Do I feel comfortable with their other partners, if applicable? Do I feel special and pursued or merely one of many options?

Most of these things aren’t specific to kinky relationships, but I’ve found that every time I ignored what signs like this told me about a D or M type, I always paid the price later. Every time I’ve paid attention to the small details about a prospective Toppy type, those details told me nearly everything I needed to know about that person.