Behind-the-Song: indie pop girl pt.2

I think when I'm writing a song, I'm not always actively thinking about the structure it should have or when certain messages should be; I just write want I want to say and hope for the best 😅

The verses for this song are really just giving context to and examples of the "performance" of being an artist. How that feeling of needing to be "on" all the time manifests and some of what inspires that feeling.

These first verses are very much the former: how the feeling of needing to be "on" all the time manifests.

I think my favourite thing about the verses, though, is that they feel like what the first half of the chorus is saying. They feel rushed and frantic and exhausting. And they're each punctuated with something that kind of hurts. They feel, melodically, like a depiction of "running 'round the seven circles made your own hell".

Over stressed and depressed and compulsively independent

Something about being an indie artist lends itself so easily to hyperindependence. And part of that is simply that we know that at the end of the day, we are the only person responsible for creating, performing, and marketing our art. With all the nitty gritty, tedious, complicated steps in between.

But I think part of it is also that as an indie artist, your art is so personal. So it becomes extra important to you to make sure that it looks and sounds and is presented in as close to the way you imagine as possible. You want all of the elements to come together to tell exactly the story you're hoping to convey.

And while that's probably true for all artists, being an indie artist, there isn't anyone else whose opinions or "expertise" you're expected (or in some cases forced) to follow. So even if help is offered, it's incredibly difficult to give up any amount of control and to trust someone else to bring forth your vision in the way you imagine. Even trusting my sister to create the artwork for Villain was incredibly difficult for me to do, despite the fact that I know show really understands me and knows me on a deeper level, and that she is very receptive to feedback. Genuinely the only reason the decision was easy was just knowing that she needed some work as a distraction and some income when she was suddenly laid off. Would I trust her again? Absolutely! But would I have done so this time had she not needed it? Honestly, probably not.

So, very much referential to the chorus, we do it to ourselves. But we take on a lot, and it is very easy to end up in a position where you feel entirely overwhelmed in every way and end up burning out 😬

But if you keep doing well no one figures out you're pretending / Head down, don't tell

Lost all social connection it's more like social misdirection / If you tell them you're okay how many people would question it / "So Strong". They're wrong.

Originally I had the verses fully separated, but I decided the end of the first one leads really seamlessly into the next and ultimately have the same intention behind them.

This is the point in the song where I realized just how "average" some of this experience is, and decided maybe this song is actually more of just a commentary on what it's like to exist in any form of media at pretty much any level 😅😬

It's not just artists who are pretending everything is fine and going well all the time, keeping all the failures and stresses and difficult parts of their lives a secret...that's social media. And not even just social media. That's the world we live in. And of course there are people who break that narrative. But what you see of people is absolutely just what people choose to show you. And that's normal and to some degree healthy, I think. It's kind of like setting boundaries 🤷‍♀️

But the problem comes when we hide the struggles and the difficult parts from everyone and continue to push ourselves to put on a brave face and carry on like everything is grand.

Don't mind me just stream of consciousness talking about this concept instead of justfl focusing on the lyrics and what I was thinking 😂

I do have to say, though, I felt so clever with the "social misdirection" line. I was absolutely just talking about exactly that – sharing the good stuff and pretending to everyone else that the bad stuff doesn't exist, and feeling like that stood in the way of truly connecting with people. BUT I JUST LOVE THAT LYRIC.

Especially as an artist, we kind of need to share the deeper darker parts of ourselves. Because that's the stuff people connect with most. That's the human experience. That's what feels validating and makes people feel seen on some level, and less alone. But I think, at least for me, I put all that difficult stuff in my music and still try to pretend like those aren't telling all my secrets 😂 I am still just a human trying to put my best foot forward, after all 🤷‍♀️

I do feel like the end of this verse warrants a bit of special attention, though. Because it's something that I think comes up in a couple of my songs. And it's that internal struggle I have with being told I'm strong for everything I've been through and dealing with on a daily basis, but I'm still here and still smiling. Because I get it. I understand the logic. And I understand why people say it.

But it isn't strength to me, it's just survival.

It doesn't feel like strength when there isn't really a choice. It doesn't feel like strength when I break down crying, feeling sorry for myself after a string of bad days. It doesn't feel like strength when I'm stuck in bed for hours on end and can barely manage to just take care of my own basic needs most days. It doesn't feel like strength when I want to quit all the time.

I just want my life to be easy. But that just isn't going to happen. And I absolutely do feel sorry for myself sometimes. Maybe even often, these days.

I do understand that there is absolutely a strength in that survival. But it just...it feels like such an incongruous way to describe my experience. I don't feel strong. I am just trying to get through each day 🤷‍♀️

In terms of bringing this into the overall theme of the song, I think that the overwhelm, stress, and burnout etc. that come with doing too much all the time and always feeling like you have to do everything yourself is an extremely similar type of strength that also, I think, doesn't feel like the strength that it is 😅🫣

Anyway...

Kachow 👈😎👈