[1:13] Lavender Valley

You set your jaw, steel yourself, and shove aside whatever frustrating trepidation had been plaguing you since this morning and take a drink of the cappuccino. 

You weren’t prepared for the heavy punch of spices. You could tell there was cinnamon for sure, with hints of pure cacao for a bitterness on the backend but the rest of it was a mystery. It was unusual and bold with an earthiness that made you think of a warm summer’s evening. You barely noticed that you burned your tongue. 

It warmed your chest as you swallowed. You felt a moment of euphoria followed by a wave of lightheadedness. You could almost feel the coffee in your guts spreading out, reaching into your bloodstream and following every capillary, vein and artery until that warm glow filled every inch of you and radiating out of your pores. You were lost in the moment, adrift in the glow.

But distantly, as if obscured by a thick haze, you felt a small pang of fear and panic crying out, begging for your attention. Before you could be drawn to it the haze thickened, the glow brightened and you slipped back into the euphoria. You felt as if you were floating and drifting further and further away from the fading cries until all you could hear, feel and taste with the warm earthiness and cinnamon. 

(Secret roll: Failed!)

“So, what do you think?” Paige asked with a bright smile. You took a sharp breath as you suddenly were jolted back to reality. Disorientation made the passage of time impossible to follow. Had you been in the glow for a few seconds or a few hours? But you were still sitting there, holding the cup, and Paige hadn’t moved. Had any time passed? 

“Hmm? Oh. Good. It’s really, umm, good!” you managed to fight through the mental fog to claw back toward reality.

“Really? I thought I went a smidge too heavy on the cinnamon. It overpowers the cardamom a bit too much.” Paige frowned at her cup.

“There was a lot of cinnamon,” was the only reply you could manage as you shook off the last remnants of the glow.

“It’s a work in progress! At least this batch is drinkable! Somewhat anyway. The last time I tried this, oh lordy it was absolutely hideous!” 

You chuckled, “oh I’ve been there. Trust me.” 

“Wait. A man who knows his way around a kitchen?” Paige asked with an exaggerated quizzical look on her face. 

“Of course.”

“You’re not talking about a barbeque, right?”

“Nope. In fact I can bake! Can you believe that?” 

“I simply cannot!”

“Yep. My friend Brittney and I got really into baking one summer. I managed to master a macaroon that didn’t crumble. Then we had to get really into working out in the fall.” You brief and distant felt a flutter in your chest.

“Impressive. Quite impressive. You said your friend? Do you mean girlfriend?”

“Nope. Just a friend. My friend group were all girls growing up.”

Paige leaned in. There was no exaggerated expression, she was genuinely curious. 

“Really now. That is unusual. Are you gay?” 

“That’s what everyone thought in High School. And college. And last year at Thanksgiving. No, we were just good friends. We just clicked. I don’t know. I had a few friends who were dudes but I was never comfortable with them like I was with the girls. It was like -” that strange glow reappeared for just an instant. “- it was like…okay…there’s a way men communicate with one another. It’s so detached. Emotionally speaking I mean. It’s like there’s this fear of what they might think if you do. Like there’s a hardwired behavior where everyone is trying to be the toughest and I couldn’t be like that. It was like something never developed in me. And I think I need that. I need that intimacy that seems to come naturally to girls.”

“So you found yourself as just one of the girls then.” 

“Yeah. I guess. I mean I wasn't and I’m not!” You surprised yourself how defensive you were. You dialed it back and continued. “I started hanging out with Brittney midway through freshman year, then eventually she brought me around her other friends and that’s kind of how the group formed.”

Paige nodded along as you spoke and hung on every word. “And what happened, are you girls still friends?” 

“We are. Kind of. You know how that goes. Life goes on, there’s boyfriends that become husbands and then there’s kids and careers and, yeah. It is what it is. We chat from time to time online. And see each other once a year around the holidays usually. It’s…is what it is.”

Paige reached over and placed her hand on yours, comforting you. 

“I’m sorry. That’s tough. We’ve been there though. A lot of us here actually have been there. You have friends and they get married and there goes their identity and then they have children and it’s like poof, they’re gone forever. Except for a slew of Facebook posts talking about their kids.”

She paused, her expression growing sincere and serious. “If you ever feel the desire to have some girl-time again, everyone here would be more than happy to welcome you into our little club. I have no doubt you’ll fit right in.”

The words seemed smooth, like honey, the way she said it was alluring. The warmth of her hand on yours sent a tingle through your body…

(Masculinity Roll: Success!) 

…and you pulled your hand away, securing it under your leg on the stool. You weren’t sure why you did that. Her offer was so kind and enticing. You had been alone for so long and the idea of finding another group of girls to spend time with…to talk to…to make a real connection with was something that you wanted right now. Especially after everything you’ve been through. But behind the honeyed words and allure of the offer there was something predatory. It was like something struck a chord deep in your lizard brain. You reacted without thinking, moving on pure instinct. You felt anxious and scared…

…you felt…weird. 

“That - that sounds a-amazing.” you said, leaping to your feet. As you quickly backed away, your foot got snarled up on the leg of the stool and you almost fell backwards. You didn’t care. There was no embarrassment. You just needed to get out of there. “I will, definitely, probably take you up on that once I, you know, get settled in. There’s a lot I have to do still, got to get a job and some furniture and oh man, speaking of I kind of made a promise to myself that I’d spend time every day looking for a job and I really should do that. Thank you for the coffee. Thank you! For - for everything.”

With her head slightly cocked to the side and her hands folded around her cup she watched you with a hint of amusement on her face. She paused, waiting for the frantic energy you created to dissipate a bit before she replied, “of course hun. It was a pleasure to meet you. Go! Go find a job! Do what you need to do.”

You started toward the exit and she got up to walk you to the door. Her clicking of her heels seemed to echo impossibly loud as she walked up behind you, placing her hand on your back. You tried and failed to stifle a shuddering cringe.

“Do not be a stranger. Please. I work from home most days so I got plenty of time to sit and have experimental barely palatable coffee and I could always use a new guinea pig. Plus, I like you and I’d love to sit and gab and have coffee to break up the boredom.” 

She opened the door for you and you moved into the hall quickly.

“And I will ask around to see if anyone is looking for someone who is reliable and clearly smart. Now knowing you aren’t one of those men, I can’t imagine there won’t be someone willing to snatch you up in a heartbeat.” Paige said, leaning on the jamb in her threshold. 

You were controlling a shiver that wanted to rattle your ribs. “Yes! That - that would be amazing. That would be great. Thank you Paige, Again. I’ll…yeah…see ya.”

She gave a nod and a delicate wave as you turned and started down the long hallway. You felt her eyes on you until you passed through the front door and into the dreary, rainy morning. 

------------------------------

The cold rain was good. It helped calm you down. You were shaky from the adrenaline and your mind spun as you struggled and failed to figure out what just happened. Nothing made sense. Was this a panic attack? It came on so suddenly. It didn’t seem like there was a trigger. Was this morning a panic attack? 

You paused and listened to your body. You felt weird. That was the only way to describe it. It wasn’t something you could describe to a doctor. It wasn’t specific or isolated to a particular part of your body. It was just a sensation you couldn’t shake.. You couldn’t really even pinpoint why you felt the way you did. You just felt weird. 

Your head was down, eyes stuck to the pavement as you hurried across the complex to your building. The rain felt nice. Soothing. As you reached the entrance the door popped open before you could reach for it.

“Hey bro!” Josh belted. He stood there with a black raincoat on, wearing a button up shirt and khakis. He looked different somehow. Last you saw him what little hair he had left on his head was left mussed. As if there was so little he could no longer be bothered to deal with it. But today it was combed. It made it seem thicker. 

“Josh! Oh man I - I am so glad I ran into you. I’m beginning to think you were onto something. I was just over at -”

Before you could say another word a tall woman with long, wavy auburn hair stepped into view. She was wearing black rain coat over a conservative blue wrap blouse, fitted blue jeans over black stiletto pumps. She had a statuesque kind of beauty and a poise to match. She wore light make-up in neutrals and pinks and subtle gold jewelry. 

“Andrea, this is the dude down the hall that I was telling you about.” Josh said as he put his arm on her shoulder. 

She snaked her arm around his waist and pressed herself into him. Her eyes lit up and she flashed you a devilish smirk, “Oh! So you are the fabled neighbor who somehow managed to knock some sense into his guy’s thick skull huh? I couldn’t believe it when he reached out. We should call the Pope, a miracle might have occurred.”

Josh just grinned and endured her playful sarcasm with a goofy expression that was a mea culpa of his past behavior and this sarcasm was the penance he had to endure. 

“Yeah, I meant to text you but things have been crazy. But as you can probably tell, Andrea saw it in her heart to forgive me. We talked the next day and haven’t really stopped so I gotta thank you for giving me that push to get past, ya know, whatever. You know. Hey, we were just on our way for a brunch date but we owe you at least a dinner.” Josh said.

Andrea stared at Josh as he talked, nodding along. She turned her attention to you. “At a nice place too. Not just pizza and beer,” she said sternly but still playful. She stepped away from him and out into the rain. 

“Definitely at a nice place. We won’t take no for an answer.” Josh said.

All you could manage was a forced smile, “That - that’s great! For both of you. I’m happy I could have helped.”

The words were coming in delayed, and you felt as if you had to reassemble them in your mind for them to make sense. It was hard to focus. You were transfixed by her. Not because you found her exceptionally stunning but because she was so well put together and she radiated such femininity that you couldn’t take your eyes off her… 

(Choose One)

• Nails. Her delicate fingers ended in perfect long almond shaped nails, painted a glossy pink that was nearly skin tone with a white rim along the edge . They were lovely and you suddenly became aware that your own nails were uneven, unkempt and disgusting. Should you get a manicure? 

• Jewelry. Her earrings were wide gold hoops. Her necklaces were three chains, the longest one ended in a small butterfly charm. She wore a gold watch with a dark black face on one hand and a collection of gold bangles on the other. She had only a single ring on each hand. You found yourself irritated that men can accessorize like women can.

• Shoes. Four inch pumps, black. There was a kind of feminine power that those shoes brought out in a woman. It changed not just their stance, but their very essence. You never realized how much you liked them. How much you felt jealous that she could have that essence… 

“I’m sorry. We interrupted you. Um, you were saying you were over somewhere?” Josh asked.

That snapped you out of your trance. The weirdness had grown, you almost felt it turning your stomach. There was no way you could talk to him with her here. You collected your composure the best you could and said, “um, yeah. You know what we can talk later. I - I don’t want to keep you two.” 

“It was nice to finally meet you,” Andrea said as she and Josh stepped past you. Josh shot you a finger gun and said, “Thanks bro, I’ll talk to you tonight. Okay?”

You nodded then hurried up to the safety of your apartment where you realized after some time you’d just been pacing from window to window. 

When Josh told you about the weirdness you couldn’t understand what he was talking about. It seemed crazy but now…you could understand what he was talking about. 

The hours until he you could talk to him would be agonizing. 

You sat down at your computer and busied yourself going through your emails and the distressingly long list of businesses to either apply at or follow up with. It was monotonous and repetitive enough that your brain finally got a bit of rest…that is…

…until that banner ad popped up.

A pair of studded diamond earrings, a trio of pink perfume bottles, lingerie, and lipstick. They flashed at the top of your screen advertising a heavily discounted sale on all women’s clothing, jewelry, shoes and cosmetics. You found yourself staring at the ad, thinking about what Andrea was wearing…what Paige was wearing and becoming very aware of your own drab and boring wardrobe. Before you even knew it you clicked the banner and started to look at what was on offer at the Spring Sale. 

You browsed the pages of tops and skirts and hosiery and shoes. You were finding certain tops you liked and what you didn’t, remembering the handful of times your friends dressed you up. This was different though. This didn't feel like a novelty or a humiliating prank. You wanted these things. You needed to have them…

(Choose one)

• 1.) Stay Focused! Not only can you not afford to be spending money on women’s clothing but what would you even do with it? Fight the temptation, close the browser and get back to work…if you can. (Prompts a Masculinity Roll)
  

• 2.) Maybe…Just One. What’s the harm? It’s just clothing. It’s not gender specific. And maybe, after everything you’ve been through you deserve to get what you want. To feel…good. (Prompts a Femininity Roll)