Captain Morgan 5

Preface

Apology chapter. Mods are handling it.

You’re allowed to have political opinions, but please don’t make it someone else’s business unless you’re asked. Also, @everyone has been disabled in Discord because the general public cannot be trusted with such mystical power apparently.

The Adventures of Captain Morgan 5

Morgan Olsen

I ducked a sloppy haymaker and replied in kind with a right straight to the solar plexus. My height, or lack thereof, made that really convenient. There were perks to being a forever-tween.

I raised my foot as the idiot bent over. The knife edge of my foot was about to go through his knee, popping out the joint and probably tearing the tendon, but I froze. He was a civilian, just some punk kid who thought he was hot shit. Being a bully didn’t mean he deserved to be crippled a few months.

I instead stepped onto the arch of his foot before bouncing off. Using the rise, I slammed my palm upward into his chin. His jaw crashed shut with an audible clack as his head snapped back, the scream of pain dying in his throat. He slumped to the ground, joining the rest of his buddies.

That was the last of them. They were the latest bunch of morons who thought bullying the kid with “atypical dwarfism” would be funny. I dealt with them the same way I always did, by calling them out to the gym after school and beating the ever-loving shit out of them until they learned basic manners.

Turned out, the blessings of the First Star carried over, much like my gourd. Not all of it, I wasn’t nearly as strong out of costume, but a few punk kids weren’t going to do more than annoy me.

The door creaked open. I didn’t know who that could be. Janna used to watch from the skylight to make sure I didn’t take things too far. She stopped once she realized I wouldn’t go into a drunken fit and beat them to death with their own severed legs or something.

To my surprise, a head of crimson locks poked out from the door. I knew that look, full of mischief and vinegar. Jinx, not yet a Star Guardian, took one look at the groaning students, then at me, and burst out laughing.

“Hahahaha! You fuckwits got your asses kicked by a midget!” she cackled.

That resulted in another round of pathetic groaning. The only thing worse to a teenage boy than getting your shit kicked in by the midget you were trying to bully was having a gorgeous girl walk in just to laugh at you.

I looked at her with a bemused smile. “Sorry, did your club need the gym? Could’ve sworn I checked the schedule.”

“Fuck no. Do I look like I give a fuck about that sort of thing?”

“Heh. Fair enough.”

Jinx wasn’t the damaged, abused schizophrenic who grew up in Zaun’s underbelly here. Which wasn’t to say that her home life was a happy one. I didn’t know the details but from what little I’d overheard in school, she had some family drama made worse by an asshole landlord.

I slipped by her and began my walk home. Until she became a Star Guardian, she wasn’t really my concern. Besides, she had Lux, her childhood friend, a far more empathetic and kinder soul than I.

I heard the sound of crunching dirt behind me. “Yo, wait up, shorty.”

I turned and took a casual sip from my gourd. Today was a rum kind of day. This one was spiced with nutmeg, cloves, vanilla, cinnamon, allspice, and star anise. It tasted like warm, holiday spirit. “Yes? Did you need something?”

“Those were some nice moves. Where’d you learn to do that?”

“I was bitten by a radioactive rabbit. I’m now cursed to be short and cute forever,” I deadpanned. I felt Tipsy twitch  from inside my gourd. He could merge with my artifact at will, only emerging to gang up with Janna and nag me to death.

No, I didn’t know how that worked, but considering the infinite alcohol, I wasn’t going to question it.

“Yeah? Shit, where’s that rabbit then?”

“Did you really wait around after school to see me beat up those idiots?”

“Nah, Lux is being a teacher’s pet again and volunteered to clean the classroom after class. Can you believe it?”

“Pinky? Yeah, I can believe it.”

“Okay, fair, but it’s annoying,” she complained. “Why’d my bestie have to be such a suckup anyway?”

I took another leisurely sip. “She probably feels like she needs to apologize for your bullshit, little miss delinquent.”

“Go fuck yourself,” she grumbled. Then, her eyes drifted to my gourd. “Is that booze again?”

“Eyup.”

“How do you keep sneaking that through school? And how have you not been expelled yet?”

“I just don’t get caught.”

Sure, I didn’t do much to hide my alcoholism, but it wasn’t like the teachers could prove it. I could magically sober myself up and my gourd vanished into fucking sparkles whenever I needed it to. The glamor around anything Star Guardian-related may have helped, too.

Suffice to say, I wasn’t very popular among teachers. Coincidentally, I was very popular among select seniors who wanted to host parties.

Jinx looked at me, then at the gourd. We were by the school gates now, the setting sun casting long shadows across the yard. “Gimmie.”

“You drink?”

“I can start. What’s in it?”

“Spiced rum.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It is. It’s also quite strong. You sure you want to try with this?” I asked.

“How’d you start then?”

“Uncle Brolaf let me drink when I was younger. Gave me enough to get shitfaced, saying how it was better for me to learn my limits in front of an adult than in some rando’s basement.”

“‘Uncle Brolaf?’” she snorted.

“He’s a bro.”

“Yeah?” She leaned into the fence. “I wanna try rum.”

I shrugged and handed it over. We were sixteen, old enough in my book.

Then again, even I could acknowledge that my habits weren’t healthy and shouldn’t be encouraged. Perhaps it’d be good to teach little Red that stoves could burn. A pulse of magic slipped from my fingers as the gourd changed hands.

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She took the gourd and examined it for a second before taking a sip. Her expression rapidly morphed from curiosity to disgust as 120 proof Everclear burned down her throat. 

“Gah! What the fuck is that?” she rasped, her voice sounding like a strangled cat. Her face was red as tears welled up around her eyes.

I lied like the best poker player on the planet. “Didn’t you hear? Spiced rum.”

“It tastes like shit!”

“It’s got a hell of a ‘spice,’ don’t you think?”

“Eugh! People drink this stuff?”

“It’s not as strong as it could be,” I said truthfully. 120 proof was downright mild for Everclear. The spirit was made for cocktails, not for sipping neat. “Maybe you’re just not woman enough.”

“Maybe you should go fuck yourself.”

“Pussy.”

“Don’t think I won’t abuse a midget,” she said as she flipped me off, though I could spot the ghost of a smirk on her lips. With how acerbic Jinx was, and how wholesome Lux was, I was pretty sure she just wanted someone to banter with once in a while. 

“You can try, but don’t go crying to Lux. Her puppy eyes are weapons of mass destruction.”

“Hey guys!” I heard behind me. It was the voice of hope in this dark, cold universe, my future leader-to-be. “Cry to me about what?”

I turned woodenly. Lux was… too pure. Gorgeous, sure, but more than that, she was wholesome and kind in a way that inspired the same in total strangers. In the years I’d known her, I came to truly understand why the First Star would go on to anoint her. She was the single most authentically empathetic person I’d known, in both lives.

I never was very good at dealing with people like her. Those eyes could guilt trip me without even trying. She made me feel like I’d stepped into a church while only in my boxers, like I was tainting something sacred with each, booze-scented breath.

“Ah… Nothing,” Jinx and I chorused.

“Hmm… You’re not lying to me, are you?” she asked rhetorically. Then, her gaze found the gourd, still clutched in Jinx’s hand. “Wait, is that alcohol? Jinx!”

She tossed my gourd back to me like a hot potato. She wasn’t any better at dealing with Lux’s disapproval than I was. “I was just confiscating it! You know, because it’s inappropriate! For school and stuff!”

“Then why’d you just give it back, hmm?”

“Ah… Scold him! He’s the one who brought it to school!”

I stared at Jinx, willing my disappointment to manifest in a spell to give her an itchy asscrack or something. “You’re a snitch.”

Lux whirled on me. Her eyes were large, expressive pools of violet-pink. They pinned me down more thoroughly than any voidborn’s claws ever could. “Morgan…”

“In my defense…”

“Yes?”

“It’s barely alcohol,” I said. A pulse of magic turned the contents of my gourd into hard iced tea, not even 10 proof. I held it out for her. “Try it, I swear it’s not strong.”

Jinx, quite protective of her friend, snatched the gourd from my hand. “Fuck no! You’re not giving her spiced rum!”

“It’s rum? Morgan!” Lux gasped, appalled.

“It’s not! It’s iced tea,” I said defensively.

“You told me it was rum,” Jinx accused.

“You’re just a pussy who can’t handle her booze.”

“Get bent, liar!”

“Don’t hate the player.”

“It’s terrible, probably like eighty percent alcohol. You should be mad at him, Lux. He’s a horrible little gremlin.”

“Hard iced tea is barely five percent alcohol,” I said, technically not lying. “You’re just weak.”

“Fuck you, I’m not weak! Watch!” So saying, Jinx tipped the gourd back again, just in time for me to switch it back to Everclear. She spat on the ground, gagging. “Ugh! What the fuck is that? No way it’s five percent!”

I took my gourd back. “Hard iced tea exists mostly so people who don’t like alcohol can say they’re drinking in social situations. Again, you’re just weak.”

“Get bent, asshole.”

“Watch, I bet even Lux has better tolerance than you,” I shot back. I should stop. They’d become Star Guardians eventually and figure out what I was doing. Jinx would make me pay for this later, but… I handed Lux the bottle anyway. “Try it, please? Just a sip is fine. I promise it doesn’t bite.”

“A-Are you sure? We shouldn’t be drinking in school,” Lux said disapprovingly.

I nudged her across the gate. “Now we’re outside the school. Relax, the legal drinking age is eighteen anyway.”

“We’re sixteen, Morgan.”

“That’s basically just iced tea with lemonade.”

“Are you sure?”

“I swear.”

“Don’t trust him,” Jinx said hoarsely. “He’s a midget. Midgets always lie.”

“Your friend is very mean. I’m not a midget. And even if I was, midgets aren’t all liars; that's profiling,” I said with a pout. Lux might take the cake for the most wholesome girl in school, but damn it, I was a forever-tween. I could do the adorable, pouty schtick, too.

“He’s right, Jinx,” Lux said. “You shouldn’t discriminate.”

“I’m not discriminating! He’s a fucking gremlin!” Jinx protested.

I held a hand to my heart. I was struggling not to burst out laughing. “My feelings are hurt, Jinx. Lux, there’s only one way to prove I’m not lying to you. Just take a sip.”

“This isn’t going to get me addicted, is it?” she asked carefully.

“It’s booze, not heroin.”

“W-Well, okay…” she muttered. I was glad; she was a lot more adventurous than her good girl image suggested.

Then again, this was the same girl who claimed her hobbies were sleeping and eating. Maybe anything food-related brought out the epicure in her. She raised the gourd for a sip.

Of course, it was iced tea, sweet and refreshing with a lemony twist. There was an almost untraceable amount of alcohol. The First Star had no idea what a “stiff drink” meant exactly. My wish mandated that the gourd’s contents be alcoholic, but not the exact proof.

“I swear, Morgan, if you make Lux cry, I’m gonna–” Jinx spat out.

She was a good person, despite all the piss and vinegar. She was the kind of person who checked in on the midget getting ganged up on after school. She’d never admit it of course, the tsun-tsun, but she cared in her own way.

But unlike Lux, she was fair game. Messing with Jinx didn’t make me feel like I’d taken a cheese grater to a puppy.

Before Jinx could properly chew me out, we heard Lux gasp in delight. “Mnmm! It’s good!”

“W-Wait, what?”

“It’s refreshing. And sweet. C-Can I have more?”

“What?”

“I don’t mind, but too much is bad for you, especially for your first time. Typically, alcohol is best enjoyed with carbs to avoid getting overly drunk,” I explained with a magnanimous smile.

“Ooh, cake! Cake is carbs!”

“Yeah, let’s go grab some.”

“Yay! Jinx, come on!”

I turned back and shot the flabbergasted redhead a victorious smirk. “Yeah, Jinx, let’s get cake.”

Jinx would make me pay. Gaslighting the girl-shaped powderkeg would most definitely have consequences later. Out of my future teammates, I couldn’t think of a single girl more likely to hold a grudge than her.

But until the Super Mega Death Rocket with my name on it came calling, I’d be milking this for all it was worth. 

Author’s Note

Introducing the main character and her bestie!

120 proof is 60% alcohol by volume. It’s not the strongest Everclear distilled (that’s 95%), but it’s damn strong. For reference, vodka is typically 80 proof, or 40% alcohol by volume. Morgan’s being an ass.

Can I make a confession? I actually don’t like Jinx. I’ve never seen Arcane. My LoL lore knowledge is mostly the canon universe, not Arcane’s. But for some reason, she seems to be everyone’s favorite, so here she is.