Complex mental system

Before plunging into the history of my nude art again, I want to answer an interesting question my patron asked, by the way, if you have any questions or topics that you are interested in me writing about it, thencomment them or write directly to me.

I really like this question, it's really interesting and relevant, because I often have internal dialogues with myself about it. Especially when I started making music…

Jealousy, envy and comparisons, depreciation — this is what has haunted me for more than one year, but in the last 3 years it has been less and less. Btw I'm 28))))

In this post I want to talk about depreciation. It is important for me to answer in detail.

Depreciation.

I'll start with devaluation first, I noticed this thing a long time ago that if there is some voice inside you that devalues someone, then this voice will devalue you later. The voice relates to people, the way it relates to itself. Like it's not your watchdog that will lick you, but will bark at a passerby.

Sometimes there is an interesting contradictory feeling. It seems like you don't like some person and you shouldn't like him or her, it's fine to like or dislike. And let's say you dislike someone, and the voice inside you is trying to devalue this person, and you're not like that, we have to love, and there is discomfort and self-deception inside, because I repeat that if someone doesn't like it, it's okay. But I have worked out a scheme for an internal dialogue inside myself, which helps to prevent depreciation.

So, before that, a couple of stories from my life.

I was worried for a long time about my last relationships which I left. I have invested a lot of time in our life together and money too. I felt that I was deceived, that they took a lot from me, and I got less in return, and I can't afford to take something away from someone, because I consider myself above it all. And I realized that I had not checked many points, I was not convinced that my suspension bridge was strong and would withstand me with the things that I had typed and was trying to transfer. so everything collapsed, things were taken away by the river, it's good that everything is fine with me, I didn't hurt myself, but just fell and got wet, well, and scared too)

And for a long time I tried to devalue it all because I was angry. And then I talked to myself, thanked myself for the experience, because it's very cool not to stand in the shadows, but to try to create, build relationships. it's hard, it's cool that I realized that they didn't suit me, and I got out of them. It could be worse, I could get married or have children and stay in a toxic relationship……

I really missed this house, because everything that was there, I chose and came up with. I missed myself, and I love myself, I'm interested in myself, I invested time and myself in what was taken away, and since I love myself, it's natural to miss it. And if I tried to fight for these things, that's the word, and not to share nobly and honestly, as I tried to do, I would have to go into a meat grinder, and I asked myself, what is more important to you: principle or mental health, which is not worth these things. Well, it's nice to leave, leaving everything to your ex-partner, who clung to it all, was also important for me, I'll buy myself more, if you need it so much, take it. I am above and beyond all of this. And of course the main point is that I knew that I needed to go on a trip and not take everything with me. I traded it for my trip. I was building it, then I realized that's not what I really want. And this is my own experience. And somehow I sat down and accepted this part of life as myself, as my experience, which inevitably became a part of me and fell in love with it, because it's me, I chose a logical explanation for myself why it happened. And it filled this part with love. Yes, it was beautiful, yes, I missed it. I devalued it as much as I could, but I also devalued myself and my choice. And so I got a feeling of some kind of pain, which I could not get rid of. Because past is not going anywhere, it's not about a specific person, you can insert different characters there and remove me, replace me with another character, but the situation will remain!

And I accepted it, loved it, did not devalue it, but on the contrary treated this story as an important part of myself!

Also about depreciation on the Internet), I occasionally catch myself thinking when I follow other bloggers who discuss trending topics, shoot trending reels to trending music. And sometimes I start, perhaps you can call it an envy disorder, that loads of subscriptions, likes and views are running on them. And here I begin to explain to myself that I am about depth, and they are about the speed of reaction, that to some extent I am deep, and they are superficial. To some extent, this is also about depreciation, because everyone is trying equally and this is work. But I ask myself, Baby, would you like to gain such popularity? To be such an Internet persona? And I know - I don't. I like my way, I think I don't like my beginning, when I gave more attention to photographers than to myself, or rather to their taste, that pisses me off, yes, but still I like everything. And to call myself a deeper artist, and them superficial, is not right, because then when I myself need to do some image-related things related to promotion or something else, where I can look at such bloggers, I won't do it, because I devalued them, this voice is gonna be like are you shallow? etc. It's a trap, I'm learning to explain myself that it's someone's path, I always have access to this path, and it's easier and faster to develop myself, but I came to this not so long ago. And music really helped me, it gave me an understanding of complicated process of studying, creating and investing soul in this. for me there is no longer bad music or less talented music, because I know what it is. It's difficult, it's a soul, it's worth a lot. For me, every artist has automatically become a complex mental system.

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