May I Enjoy My Life: Entry 21

14.7.1100 0142 hours

Rhodes Island, Executive Level

I left Exusiai snoring on her bed. I was quiet. I always am. Comes naturally. My teachers always said I was one of the best at stealth. It’s why I’m still alive. 

First, disguise. I applied some grease to my ears and tail, then clips to the ears to make them floppy. Now I looked like a perro. Hid my long hair under a ball cap, slipped on contacts, put on a wastewater treatment worker uniform. No one bothers a sewer worker. Clothes smelled authentic: I didn’t make mistakes. The smell bothered me. Breaking cover would bother me more. Nose has always been sensitive, so I can tell when a disguise is fake because it doesn’t smell right. 

Mine smelled right. I don’t make mistakes. 

A bit of makeup to make me look older, ugly. People don’t look at women who are old and ugly. It’s useful. I don’t understand why people don’t look at old ugly women. The most dangerous woman I ever met was a wrinkled old nonna who could kill you a dozen ways before you realized she’d drawn on you. She wasn’t pretty. But very good. 

I also had a clipboard, a wrench, and dirty shoes. The shoes are important. A lot of people don’t look at shoes. I do. If they’re too clean or not worn enough, you can tell they’re fake. Mine were worn and dirty. I’d stolen them. Fit was good, though. You need good shoes. Hard to fight with bad ones. 

I made my way down to the maintenance level. I slouched. Didn’t pick my feet up. Walked too loud. It was late, night cycle. People looked at me, but they didn’t see me. They could smell me, though. Stayed out of my way. Good. Disguise worked. 

I found Ascalon painting a wall. She was bad at painting. Evenness of the coat wasn’t good. Sloppy job. But, not in a way that showed it was a disguise. More of a lazy worker who wasn’t very good. That took art. Not so bad as to be suspicious, not so good as to draw notice. Passable. That takes effort. 

“You’re right on time,” she said, not looking away from the wall. I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what to say when people say things like that. Exusiai does. Sora does. Me? What am I supposed to say? Yes, I am on time? That’s obvious. Why say it? So I didn’t say anything. 

“We’ve got a problem on board,” Ascelon said, reaching into her overalls and pulling out some somewhat wrinkled papers, and handing them to me. 

I looked them over. “I’ll handle it.”

“That’s it? No questions? No asking what she’s done?”

I hesitated. The old Texas didn’t ask questions. She was a sword. She did as the hand that wielded her commanded. I read the papers carefully this time. 

Operator Name: Claudia Veil

Real Name: Lanthe Viscelli

Age: 34

Race: Liberi

Affiliation: Notarial Hall. 

Job: Requisition Clerk

Stationed in Rhodes Island's Department of Internal Supply. Manages distribution of low-level operator gear, pharmaceutical inventory, and organic containment tech. Has minor field clearance for support roles during off-site operations.

History: Viscelli is an Executor who has been a spy for Notarial hall in Iberia, Sargon, and Bolivar. She has assassinated several mid-value targets, and provoked two small wars in Sargon and Bolivar. Came to Rhodes Island six months ago. Confirmed infected with Oripathy. 

Target has received orders to kill or kidnap BONES on the behest of Notarial Hall. It is not believed these orders come from the Pope, but rather Bishop Ezelian Cantelmo, an Iberian born Sankta who is high in Nortarial Hall. Target has gained information that Bones knows more of the history of the Sankta than he should. 

[...the rest of the document describes Claudia/Lanthe’s habits aboard the landship, and known associates.]

“Exusiai won’t like it,” I said, tossing the papers into an empty paint bucket. “But if she’s threatening James, she needs to die.”

Ascalon nodded, turning to face me. She had a bit of grey paint on her cheek. “This is your first SWEEP Mission. Do you understand the parameters?”

“She vanishes. No trace. No questions.”

“Good. You have the information on her habits?”

I nodded. 

“Very well. You don’t have a problem with killing her?”

I considered it. I did. I don’t like killing people. But some people need to die. “No.”

“Then get to it.”

I nodded and walked away. 

Claudia was asleep. Couldn’t kill her in her bunk. She had a roommate. Too obvious. I changed from my disguise, and waited.

The next day, James, Lucia, Lemuel, and I had breakfast. I cooked. Lucia is good. I’m better. I don’t like cooking. Too messy. But it’s not right to make Lucia cook all the time, and we can’t go to the cafeteria. Besides, I don’t like cooking, but I like to see people eat what I cook. No point if it’s just me.

I always cook for Sora. She likes my cooking. I miss her. I hope she’s eating well. She’s not a very good cook. 

I made fresh sfogliatella, served with fruit and yogurt. I also made cappuccino, with fresh cream and pressed espresso. I also made extra. James is very big. He eats a lot. Exusiai loves sweets. That’s why I made sfogliatella, with cream filling. She had extra. She says she has to be careful, or she’ll get fat. She’s always talking about it. I’ve never seen her gain weight. I don’t know why she worries. I am not worried about getting fat. Though I am hungrier now. No cigarettes, so I eat less. Pocky has too many calories. 

They talked at breakfast and told me my cooking was good. I nodded and said thank you. You’re supposed to do that. I don’t know why. They were right. My cooking is good. I worked very hard to make sure. It has to be perfect. Otherwise, don’t bother. 

Besides, a donna must be the mistress of the kitchen as much as the battlefield. You will have a cook, but sometimes, you need to cook your own food. If you do, it has to be perfect. 

After breakfast, they went to the hospital. Exusiai and I went on break. There’s another team that watches them there. We went to train. I told Exusiai I had an errand. She nodded, and said she was going to run with Adnachiel. I’m not supposed to know she planned to have sex with him. She’d bought condoms. Exusiai has had a lot of boyfriends. Especially other sankta. I think she needs them. She doesn’t spend a lot of time with other sankta. When she spends too much time away from them, she gets sad. I don’t know what to do then. I try to cheer her up. Make her sweets. Talk. I’m not good at talking. But she likes to talk, and I like for her not to be sad. 

I found Claudia/Lanthe. Wasn’t hard. She was checking in for her shift. I’d put my disguise back on. 

“Hey. I have a maintenance request,” I told her. I’d sabotaged the bathroom nearest her the night before. Not hard. But it would have flooded. I’d checked, she’d put in a maintenance request. 

“Oh thank goodness, that was fast. I’d worried I’d have to go down a whole level just to pee,” she said, smiling at me. You only smile at the plumber when you need them. “It’s right there.”

“Can you show me the problem?” I asked. I made my face move. It’s hard. But if I don’t, people get suspicious. I made it move to make me look stupid and confused. You have to slacken it a bit, unfocus your eyes. Let your mouth hang open. I’ve practiced. 

Claudia/Lanthe sighed. “Seriously? It’s a clogged toilet. Fine, here, let me show you.”

She took me to the bathroom. She was good. She realized it as soon as I got out my wire. She tried to fight back, tried to scream. She wasn’t quite fast enough. The wire worked quickly. 

I got out my big duffle bag. Unclogged the toilet. Stuffed the body in the bag. Had to break some bones to make it fit. Wrote up the maintenance fulfillment. Left. Bag was heavy. 

I went down to the tractor sublevel. Opened a hatch. Dumped the body in front of the caterpillar treads. Closed the hatch. Filed the maintenance fulfillment. Changed back. Ran two laps. Exusiai was there. She looked sad and frustrated. I knew what to do.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her. 

“Addy’s on deployment. Can’t see him. Oh well! Guess you can be my running partner instead!” she said cheerily. 

I nodded. I ran with her. I wish I could do more. But I’m not Sankta. I didn’t tell her about Claudia/Lanthe. There would be a brief search, until a note was found that said she’d had a family emergency and left. I’d written the note. My handwriting is very good. It looked exactly like Claudia/Lanthe’s. I practiced handwriting a lot. Has to be perfect. 

“Do you…want to spar?” I asked. 

“With you? You’d kill me!” Exusiai laughed. 

I nodded, frustrated. I like to spar. Helps me think. What helps Exusiai think? 

“Want to go to the range?” I offered. She likes that. 

She shot me a look. “With you? You’re not bad, Texas, but you’re no marksman.”

“You like to shoot. I can try. It’ll be fun.”

She brightened and nodded. I used a crossbow. I’m a good shot. Exusiai is not a good shot. She is perfect. She is not as good as most Sankta. She is better. I saw her relax while she used her patron firearm. It’s a Lateran Vector. That helps her feel better. After, we got ice cream. I do not like ice cream. It gives me gas. Exusiai loves it. I had it for her. She is a good friend. 

Even if gelato is better. 

“You OK, Texas? You’re quiet,” she told me while we had ice cream. 

I shrugged. “Tired, I guess. Didn’t sleep well.”

“Huh, I didn’t hear you get up. You…you doing OK? You know, with…everything?”

I considered that. “I miss Sora. I miss smoking. That’s OK. I should have quit. Hopefully, I can see Sora again soon. I’ve been writing her every day. I hope she writes back.”

“Yeah, I just…Bones…he’s said a lot, you know? I just worry…” Exusiai looked down at her ice cream. “Man. Lucia is lucky. I guess I’m kinda an idiot.”

She is. But it is not polite to agree with your friend when they say that. Besides, Exusiai is an idiot in the right ways. She is kind. She is friendly. She trusts people and likes them. And she eats disgusting desserts and puts chocolate syrup on her pasta.. But she is not Siracusian, and doesn’t know better. I can forgive her. 

“Kal’tsit said she would handle it,” I told Exusiai. 

“Yeah, I guess. I…hey! That’s Odda!” she jumped up and waved excitedly, and I turned. 

It was Odda. Odda is a Sarkaz messenger from Kazdel. He does not like Exusiai. He tries to hide it when he sees her, smiling and waving back. But he hates her. Probably because she is Sankta, and he is Sarkaz. He doesn’t mind me, but he doesn’t like me either. That’s fine. He’s good at his job. That’s what matters. 

“Hey, if it isn’t my favorite pair of penguins! What’s up, why are you two back on the Island? Making a run from Lungmen?” Odda said, pausing by our table. 

“Nah, it’s a long story. You got time? I’ll buy you an ice cream, my treat!” Exusiai said brightly.

Exusiai should know that Odda doesn’t like her. She has remarked as such. Oddly, she does not stay away from him. She seems drawn to him. She wants him to like her. This is odd, because she does not like him. She tries very hard to hide it, and is better at it than Odda. But she does not like Sarkaz. Only…her body language is different. Something is off. I sniff. Odd. She smells…sad? No. 

“Free ice cream? How could I say no! I’m back on the island for a few days, so I guess I can hang out,” Odda says, plopping down. 

“Wadda ya having? I like their cheesecake and sweet berry ice cream!” Exusiai said.

“Eh, something regular. How about just vanilla with sprinkles?” Odda suggested. 

Exusiai gets it in a waffle cone. Odda chuckles, but takes a bite. He seems to enjoy it. Hmm. He smells…off. Tense. My eyes narrow, my ears twitch. Threat. Odda is a messenger. He has good instincts.  He can fight. I’ve seen him do it. Not as good as me. But still a threat. At close range, he’s dangerous to Exusiai, who only has three of her guns, but one is packed away, the other two are on her leg and hip. 

Wait. He’s armed only with a knife. He has to know he can’t fight us like that. But that smile is fake. And he smells nervous.

Exusiai…she smells guilty. That’s what that is. Why? She likes to buy people ice cream, so that’s not it. 

“So, what news from Kazdel? Good, for once?” Exusiai asks hopefully. 

Odda grimaces and shakes his head. “Is it ever good news from Kazdel? Well, I guess things aren’t so bad. Fremont, the King of the Liches, came back, and he’s largely taken control. Laqeramaline wasn’t doing too badly, but the new Sanguinarch is a hot mess, and- never mind. It’s Kazdelian politics, it’s always a mess. But, things are getting better and Wiš'adel hasn’t had to kill anyone to get them in line lately. Even if the Gargoyles are begging Mudrock to come back…”

“No, it’s interesting!” Exusiai said. She says things like that. Oddly, she usually means them.

Odda frowns at her. “Really? A, well, an outsider, who cares about Sarkaz politics?”

“I mean…” Exusiai looks away, and pain crosses her face. I glare at Odda, but he’s sighing and leaning back, a sour look. He notices me and glares back. 

“Odda…what do you think about…about the Sankta,” Exusiai said, leaning in, pain still on her face. 

He frowns at her. “You’re a nice person, Exusiai. A good person. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but we’re colleagues, and-”

“What if…what if I did want to be friends?” Exusiai asks. I remember the unused condoms. Only…no. She doesn’t mean it like that. 

“Sure, fine, we can be friends,” he says with a shrug. 

“But you don’t like Sankta,” she murmurs, looking down at her melting ice cream. 

Odda licks his own treat for a moment. He sighs, and stands. “Look, I should go. Thanks for the ice cream, I-”

“No, wait!” Exusiai says desperately and reaches for him. He frowns at her, but he slowly sits back down. 

“I would go, but…” he leans on the table, his eyes narrowing at me, then Exusiai. “You’re his bodyguards, aren’t you?”

I reach for my sword, but he’s not being threatening. I stand. “We’re done.”

“No! Texas, just…hold on,” Exusiai said, and she grips her halo with both hands. She only does that when she’s very stressed. After a moment, she lets go, her hands shaking. “You mean…you mean Bones.”

“The guy who can cure oripathy? Yeah. I mean him,” Odda says grimly. “Got a message for him.”

“I…I can give it to him,” Exusiai says. Odda frowns at her. “Or, you can. I can set up a meeting?”

“That would be best,” he says with a nod. 

“Ok, I just…” Exusiai reaches for Odda’s hand and grips it. He flinches back, but doesn’t shove her off. His eyes are wide, and he’s tensed. “Odda…I don’t…I can’t hate the Sarkaz. Not anymore. Our people…we need…we need to be friends. We can’t…” she’s reaching for words. This is very strange. Exusiai usually has words. 

Slowly, Odda takes his other hand, and gently removes Exusiai’s grip from his hand. “Maybe you and I can be friends, Exusiai. I don’t know what brought this on, but…look, you read history books. Even more than me, I think. And I read a lot. Not much else to do on long trips sometimes, thank the Furnace for audiobooks. But our people, getting along? Never gonna happen.”

“But it has to. We…we can’t be enemies! Not anymore! We…” Exusiai bites her lip. She’s cute when she does that. If she were gay…well. I have Sora. But Exusiai is my best friend. I’ve thought about it. 

Odda seems to notice she’s cute, too. He blushes. Sankta or not, Sarkaz or no…hmm. He gently takes Exusiai’s hand again. Very slowly. She grips him tightly. “Look. I’m here…I’m here for my job. And right now…that job…look. You can guess the message.”

“No people are more afflicted with Oripathy than the Sarkaz,” Exusiai whispers. Odda nods. “Kazdel wants him.”

“Kazdel needs him.” Odda makes a fist with his free hand. “Look, if there’s a cure for Oripathy…I’m loyal to Babel. That extends to Rhodes Island in many ways. But we need that cure.”

“You need that cure,” Exusiai says, and runs a finger along some crystals on Odda’s body. He flinches away, eyes wide. “Sorry! I just…maybe…maybe Bones could cure you? But not now…he needs more time.”

“Needs more time? Are you kidding? This isn’t about me.” Odda breaks the grip and gestures broadly with one hand, the other to his chest. “Sure, I’m going to die of oripathy, but Rhodes Island gives me drugs. I’m fine for another decade or two. You know how many Kazdelian orphans are dying of oripathy, right now? Shit, in the time it took me to come here, at least a dozen a day! It’s been the leading cause of death of Sarkaz since-”

“Since you were Teekaz,” Exusiai blurts. 

Odda freezes. His eyes shift. He’s calculating. Exusiai has a hand to her mouth, she looks horrified. 

“Where…” Odda begins, but Exusiai shakes her head. 

“Sorry! Sorry, I…I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry, I just…I’m really, really sorry. I should be better at this. It’s my job.”

“Uh, sure, but like…only dusty old history books use Teekaz. How does a Sankta know that? They teach that in Laterano?” he asks, his voice mildly accusatory. 

“I…I heard it from…from Kal’tsit,” Exusiai says, not meeting his eyes. 

“Oh.” Odda leans back, his brow furrowed. “Well, she would know, I guess. I’ve got a message for her too.”

“You’re not seeing James,” I say, having made a decision.

He turns cold eyes on me. “What right have you to tell the Messenger of Kazdel where he goes, Lupo?”

“I’m his bodyguard. He sees you, you ask for a cure, he’ll give it to you. And he’ll die,” I say flatly. 

He frowns at this. “Oh, so a filthy sarkaz is-”

“No, Odda,” Exusiai says, her voice raw with pain. He turns to her, still angry, but confused. He listens. Smart. Exusiai takes a deep breath. “James…Bones…he…he can cure oripathy.”

Odda slowly nods, but his eyes go wide. He didn’t believe it. I can see him relax. Interesting. Why relax? He should be ready to fight. I am. 

“To cure oripathy…James…he takes it into himself. When he started…he wasn’t infected. I met the first kid he cured. Little guy, Andrey, cute kid from Ursus. He was gonna die. Now he’s free of oripathy.”

“That’s nearly impossible to believe. You saw him cure this Andrey?” Odda demands. 

“No, but…I did see him cure Texas,” Exusiai says, her eyes darting to me. “And…Ming. You know, Rope?”

“No, names not familiar,” Odda says, grimacing. “Not a Sarkaz name though.”

“Does it matter?” I ask.

“It does to him, Texas,” Exusiai says quietly as Odda opens his mouth.

He frowns, glances at Exusiai, and nods. “Yes. Always the Sarkaz get scraps. Always, the Sarkaz are left for last. Left to die. I’m not the angriest Sarkaz you’ll meet, but…if this is withheld from Kazdel…it will mean war. Wiš'adel refuses to believe it’s possible. Because if it was…she’d kill someone. A lot of someones. And there are people angry and stupid enough to listen to her instead of Fremont, who preaches rationality. But he’s mad too.”

“James wouldn’t see it like that. He just…I think if you asked…he really would try to cure you, especially if you told him all that. Could you…could you wait a week, or two? I’ll talk to Lucia…” Exusiai said, glancing at me. 

“Not for us to decide,” I said, and meant it. I don’t understand all this. Sarkaz, Sankta, Lupo, whatever. Oripathy doesn’t care. Oripathy will kill us all. Why does Odda care? Is it about his people? I understand that. Family first, and always. 

“We…we should talk to Director Kal’tsit, and Leader Amiya. And especially Lucia,” Exusiai says.

“Who’s Lucia?” Odda asks.

“Doctor Sussuro,” I say, and that seems to clear things up. She treats many patients. 

“She’s…she’s James’ girlfriend,” Exusiai says. “And, well, sort of manages his case. He was stage 2 still this morning.”

“And you said he takes the oripathy into himself?” Odda says, frowning.

Exusiai needs to find another sankta. Preferably one with a dick. She will feel much better after she has sex. “She should not have said that.”

“Look, Texas, it’s fine! He needs to know,” Exusiai says, glaring at me. She turns to Odda. “Look I’m trusting you with this. But, for the cure to work…James takes the Oripathy into himself. It…I guess he eats it, or something? I’m not a doctor. They used the word ‘metabolize.’ Anyway, given time, his levels go down.”

“That’s not how oripathy works,” Odda says with a bitter laugh. He doesn’t believe. Not yet. But he wants to, I think. He’s leaning in towards Exusiai. Desperate. Desperate people do stupid things. I keep my hand on my sword. 

“Look, I said I don’t understand it. The doctors all say it’s weird, but it does work! Just…they’re working on making it better. Maybe…maybe if you talk to Lucia…they can show you,” Exusiai offered. 

Odda considered it. “Ok, but it doesn’t have to be me. You should choose Mudrock, or Flamebringer. Not me, I’m just the messenger.”

“Yes, but you’re our friend. And don’t you want to be cured?” Exusiai said, smiling and back to her usual self. She does it so quickly. 

“I…” Odda swallowed. “Look. I’m not important.”

“James won’t care. Maybe he has some weird alien knowledge about you. Ack! Never mind, ugh, I really need this ice cream.” Exusiai wolfed the rest of hers down, then ordered a caramel milkshake to ‘calm her nerves.’ I do not think that is how sugar works, but she does like them. 

Odda ate his ice cream very slowly. He was clearly thinking.

“We can’t promise James will cure you,” I told him. “But he has a soft heart. If you ask, he is likely to say yes. Do not ask. It would kill him.”

“Not until Lucia says it’s OK again,” Exusiai affirmed. She smiled at Odda. “Maybe…maybe this can be the start of peace between Sarkaz and Sankta! We can work together, tell everyone, oripathy can be cured!” 

“Maybe,” Odda said, but he did not sound confident.

I thought about the crushed corpse that had been left in Rhodes Island’s wake. I did not think it likely. 

We went back to guarding James. Odda met with Amiya and Kal’tsit. They did not talk to James about a cure that day. He healed many people in the hospital. He is very good at that. Miraculous. If I believed in miracles like Exusiai, I would think he was one. I do not believe in miracles. I do believe in Signore dei Lupi. They are not gods. They are demons. Like me. 

Privately, I wondered about the Sarkaz. Would they be a problem? I should ask Sora. She would know. Not in a letter. Someone might read it. Have to be careful. Have to be perfect. If you’re not, people die. 

Instead, while James was at the hospital, I wrote her about other things. I included a poem. Sora likes poems. I do not. They are hard to write. Hard to understand. But she likes them. So I try. I included a pressed flower in my letter. Sora likes those too. I do like flowers. They smell nice, and are good to look at. 

My poem talked about how much I missed Sora. It was somewhat graphic. It was a love letter. For Sora, I feel that way. Normally, I do not. Before, when I felt the need, I would take care of it. Especially since…

Since She left. I tried not to get angry. Thinking about Lappland Saluzzo tends to do that. It is not her fault, mostly. Sometimes she tries to make me angry on purpose. I try not to let her. I am angry about other things. But she reminds me of them. 

I focus on Sora. Lappland made me horny. Sora…Sora makes me a better person. That’s why I love her. I don’t think I knew what love was before I met her. Now I do. It’s nice. But I miss her so, so much. I tried to make sure my poem and letter told her that. Words are hard for me. That’s why I try to choose them so carefully. 

I gave the letter to a messenger. Normally, I would take it. Can’t. I’m not a messenger anymore. I don’t miss it like Exusiai does. I do miss traveling, a little. I miss Lungmen. Mostly because Sora is there. I miss Croissant and Bison, too. I miss Boss. He’s a good boss. He understands Family. He understands Honor. He understands Blood. He would make a good Don. But he is better than that. 

But Exusiai is here. She is family as well. My sister. I look at her, while she sleeps. Her sleep is troubled. She smiles so much, but on the inside, I think she hurts. I don’t know what to do. I lay back, and think of Sora. I think about the Sarkaz. For a moment, I think about Claudia/Lanthe.

I go to sleep. Ascalon got my Maintenance Report. She said good job. There will be more. I am a member of SWEEP now. 

I don’t like killing people.

But I am very good at it.