May I Enjoy My Life Entry 16

June 27th, 1100

This really started a week ago, when I was trying very hard not to cry the morning after my disastrous attempt at a date with James, or, well, at the time, what I perceived as a disastrous date.

“So, um…how did it go?” Myrrh asked me as I determinedly brushed my teeth, her own toothbrush in her hands. 

“Fine,” I said, and spat into the sink. 

“You, um…you seem upset,” she said, still not brushing her teeth. 

I stared into the mirror at my red eyes and knew that it was hopeless. Why was my heart so damn stupid? “It was just two friends, or coworkers, having drinks, Myrrh.”

“That…wasn’t what you wanted.”

No, dammit, it certainly wasn’t. I knew I should have been more casual. “It’s fine.”

Myrrh put her toothbrush down, damn her, and hugged me. That was too much, I started crying. I explained how things had gone so well, but then, at the end, he’d just left. I’d been practically begging him to kiss me, to tell me it had been wonderful and I was beautiful and we should do it again, but instead he’d just said goodbye and left! 

“Why do all men see me as a child!? I’m a damned DOCTOR! I’m twenty-three! And then this idiot giant swoops in, saves me, is funny, and kind, and is the most oblivious damned idiot that has ever crawled-”

“You’re going too fast, Lucia! You’re speaking Siracusian, it’s too fast,” Myrrh told me.

I tried to calm down and switch to Victorian, which was our primary shared language, as Myrrh’s Siracusian is only so-so. Normally, I’m pretty good about not switching languages mid-stream, but I must have been pretty upset. 

“He is, um, kinda young, right? Maybe…maybe he’s intimidated by you,” Myrrh said. 

I gave her a sour look. “Myrrh, a damned durin child isn’t intimidated by me. I weigh 35 kilos soaking wet. I’m 42cm shorter than he is. Why would he be intimidated by me?!”

“Because you’re a full doctor and he’s just an intern?” 

I glared at her. “Stop talking sense, it’s annoying when I’m attempting to throw myself a pity party.”

“I’m just saying…he’s only been here a little while, right? I, um, I gathered he’s like…you know. The other Earthlings. Maybe…maybe he’s just not sure about things yet,” Myrrh said comfortingly. 

She was right, of course. I’d not even known James for three weeks at that point. So much had happened in so little time, that it felt like we’d known one another for much longer. From what he’d said, he’d only been here on Terra for a little over a month, and had been homeless, contracted oripathy, been nearly murdered upteenth times, and had the weight of the entire world on his shoulders with the ability to cure oripathy. 

Perhaps hoping he’d fall in love as well was a bit much. Saints and angels, was I even in love, or just horny for one of the tallest men I’d ever met in my life? Despite me normally dating vulpos, I tended to go for the taller ones. Steward wasn’t as tall as James, but at 172cm he was much taller than I was. Granted, practically EVERYONE is much taller than I am, but still. Even little Lisa is my height now, and since she’s a kitsune, she's nowhere near done growing. 

So, I dried my tears, and put a brave face on things. I didn’t see James the next day, as he had training the entire day followed by PT, and I was on rotation at the hospital regardless. I got a lot of good work done, especially analyzing the data we’d gotten from James. 

His case was completely and utterly remarkable. Nothing about his oripathy was ordinary, and that was a mountain of data to draw from. His arts, however…

“I think there’s a better way to do this,” I told Warfarin and Kal’tsit at a working lunch meeting. “Especially the blood purification. I’m thinking that’s actually something we might be able to do ourselves, without James.”

“Oh? Do tell,” Warfarin said, instantly interested in anything involving blood. 

“We’ve long hypothesized that it should be possible to do a blood filtration and strain out the originium crystals,” I said, showing some initial mockups I’d made based on a hemodialysis machine. “Based on what James is doing, I think we might be able to come up with a therapy. It would be expensive and slow at first, but could really help. In the meantime, we could rig up a machine that would pull the blood and let James use his arts to filter it, then return the blood to the patient. That would save a lot of mess, and probably be easier on him as well.”

Director Kal’tsit looked over the plans, then nodded. “Your theory holds a great deal of merit, Dr. Surrurro. I will have our engineers examine the plans and specifications you have created, and begin fabrication of this device. Perhaps this will allow Dr. McCoy to more easily use his abilities and preserve his own life in the process. I have thought about attempting to create some sort of filter barrier for him that would inhibit his absorption of the originium. That would prevent further exacerbation of his oripathy.”

“Whatever gets Jimmy to use his ability to cure a few more folks,” Warfarin said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “We have got to find a way to use this en masse, though. As it is now, this isn’t a cure, it’s a party trick.”

I saw red again. A party trick!? James was risking his life to help as many people as he could!

“Calm down, Lucy,” Warfarin said. I hate it when she calls me Lucy. My name is Lucia Sussurro, not Lucy. I am quite certain that was why she did it. “Look, Jimmy the Wonder Kid isn’t getting a swelled head, which is impressive. What he is developing is a serious case of depression. Treat this like a joke, act like it’s all fun, and maybe he’ll bounce back. But have you noticed he’s not yapping his head off? Sure, maybe he’s not as stressed, but the kid has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and telling him to bear up will fix the problem about as well as telling Kal here to TL;DR.” 

“I am not the only one fond of the sound of her own voice, Qassirah,” Kal’tsit said, sipping at her coffee as she worked. “I want the results of those most recent blood samples by the end of the day. If his numbers are dropping, I need to know why.”

“Fine, I’ll have it on your desk by 17:00,” Warfarin said, standing and leaving.

 I stood as well, about to go, but Kal’tsit pointed. “Sit. We have much to discuss yet.”

I did so, worried that I’d let my temper get the better of me as Kal’tsit set aside her work and regarded me. Finally, she said, “You are growing fond of James McCoy. You two are close.”

“I…you have assigned me to work with him,” I said, feeling nervous. 

“Indeed. Warfarin is not wrong about Dr. McCoy’s mental state deteriorating. I do not think the boy has even noticed it. He is an adult, yes, but he is young, and he has lost everything. I would give him something to cling to. A noble crusade is all well and good, but lofty ideals are not a suitable replacement for more human attachments. He needs friends, relationships, and loved ones. Lacking those, I fear he will sacrifice himself needlessly simply because he lacks a compelling reason to remain amongst the living.”

“I…well, I’m glad you see him as a person too, Director,” I said, not certain where this was going, or if I would like it if I did know. 

“Quite. Often, people see me as distant and cold, unfeeling and unloving. Indeed, I have been…distancing myself. Pain, especially emotional pain, takes time to heal. In my case, it was a wound so grievous that I know not if it can ever be truly healed.” She turned to gaze at a painting on the wall, one of a lone pilgrim in a hooded cloak, walking along a dusty trail through the wilderness. 

“James said something remarkable to me,” Kal’tsit continued. “Something that…I myself had been unaware of. But now that it has been brought to my attention, it explains a great deal of my own grief.”

“Director?” I asked, baffled. 

She turned back to me. “He referred to a familial relationship between myself and…another. A relationship that I…well. That I had failed to acknowledge, and now it is perhaps too late to do so. The boy’s knowledge of this world is…interesting. Some would find it off-putting. Do you, Lucia Sussurro?” 

“It can be…disconcerting, when I hear about James’ knowledge,” I admitted, and despite myself, thought specifically of him talking about having a picture of me in a swimsuit. I was not adverse to people seeing me in a swimsuit. I often take every opportunity to remind people that I am an adult and have the body of a woman, even if I lack the height. But James possessing such an image…well. It felt… off-putting. Even if I might consider sending him, well, somewhat more revealing images of myself, having one taken without my permission was something else altogether. 

And I also wondered what sort of pictures he had of other women, specifically Exusiai. She was not only much taller, with a larger bust size, but a holy Sankta and beautiful beyond what a mere vulpo can hope for. Sankta might not be an Elder race according to some scholars, but they have more than enough graces to qualify in my opinion. 

Non-medical as that might be. 

“But,” I continued, taking a deep breath. “Mostly, I find it intriguing. What does he know about this world? He’s already told me things that I find fascinating. I would like to learn more, one day.”

“Very good. I am authorizing you for SWEEP level clearance,” Kal’tsit said, and stamped and signed a paper on her desk, then presented me with an ID. “All of Dr. McCoy’s pronouncements regarding the hidden nature of this world are to be categorized as SWEEP level. I am certain you did not know such a level existed. Now you do. This level of clearance is the same as the level at which the true nature of Amiya’s heritage and authority are placed. It is a secret that could destroy Rhodes Island, and topple nations. James McCoy’s knowledge is to be classified as the same.”

I could only stare at her open-mouthed. “M-me!? But I-”

“You have already taken a hand in writing many of our operator assessments, which required a high degree of clearance. You have demonstrated that you can not only be trusted with sensitive secrets, but that you will use your knowledge only for the benefit of Rhodes Island and its people. I am entrusting James McCoy’s secrets to you as well. It would be folly for only myself to be aware of them. The next time I interrogate him, do not make such a face, such interrogations mostly consist of giving the man permission to speak freely, you will be present.”

“I…thank you, Director,” I said, feeling dizzy. 

Kal’tsit leaned forward, her eyes boring into me. “I am also authorizing Lemuel Exusiai for such clearance. Though she is outside of our organization, she is my other hope for anchoring James McCoy, and I am willing to risk a great deal to see that done. He cannot be risked at an emotional level any more than a physical level. Do you understand what I am saying, Lucia Sussurro?”

Unfortunately, my mind immediately lept to her setting up a love triangle and Lemuel being my rival for James’ affections. I also wondered if she thought to construct some sort of harem for the man, in which case, I was stealing Lemuel’s guns and shooting Kal’tsit, then James. And last myself. And potentially Lemuel. 

I think I’m not serious about that. I’m not sure. I have been known to be somewhat irrational when romance is involved. And I have a bit of a temper on occasion. 

“And…Texas?” I managed. 

“Also approved. She will be joining SWEEP itself. She has the skills, and the temperament. If she can get over her phobia of Red, she will make the perfect candidate. Her role is less to bond with James McCoy, and more to ensure he is not threatened physically. Lemuel Exusiai is a skilled combatant, but she is not…well. She is tender-hearted. While Cellinia Texas is not made of stone, when the time comes, she will do what she must to ensure the survival of what she holds dear, and suffer the emotional backlash later.”

“Is Texas aware she is joining SWEEP?” I asked, not entirely sure what SWEEP even was, aside from a black hat group within Rhodes Island that I had previously only heard rumors of. 

“Not as yet. Her participation is not voluntary. None of yours is. While there is a time and a place for freedom of choice and self-actualization, too much is at stake for me to be willing to leave things to chance.”

There it was. The cold-hearted monster at the head of Rhodes Island. Kal’tsit might be content to rule from the shadows, but rule she does. Not just the medical department, but in many ways all of Rhodes Island. Amiya is becoming more and more our true leader and not simply a figurehead, but when Kal’tsit decides something will be done a certain way…it will.

“You are dismissed, Dr. Sussurro. Continue your efforts,” Kal’tsit said, and turned back to her work. I turned to go, but just as I opened the door, she said, “Oh, and Lucina?”

“Yes, director?”

“Next time, pad the dress. Men are simple creatures. Appeal to their baser nature, and they will be putty in your hands.”

I went bright red, thought of several choice things to say, and instead walked out and slammed the door, tail bristling behind me and such an expression on my face that everyone got out of my way as I stalked through the halls. I suppose I can be intimidating when the need arises. 

The next day, I was still pondering if I was going to take Kal’tsits advice and attempt to seduce James or simply eat an entire carton of ice cream, when the Code Orange was called. All thoughts of my personal life fled. I was no longer a girl twitterpated; I was a doctor, and there were lives to save. 

I pushed myself to my limits and beyond. I watched James do the same and scolded him for it, even as I was in the early stages of arts overdose. By the time Kal’tsit ordered me to go home, I could feel the crystals multiplying in my bloodstream and see veins of black creeping into my vision. I might have undone all the treatment that James had given me if she hadn’t sent me home. As it was, I raised my levels by .01u/L. That might not sound like a lot, but in three days, that’s hideous. 

I collapsed for 12 hours, completely insensate to the world. When I managed to struggle back to consciousness, Myrrh gave me some cornmeal porridge with a pinch of nutmeg and some raisins, which I gratefully accepted and spooned into myself. She’d been working long shifts too at the pharmacy, but Myrrh tends to mother anyone who will sit still for five minutes. 

Over breakfast, I scrolled through the messages I had missed, starting with the one from Director Kal’tsit that informed me I was being put on leave for 48 hours to recover, and that reinforcements had arrived to pick up the slack. That made me feel a little better, but I wasn’t mentally ready to read the texts from James yet, so I went and took a shower first. 

I prefer my showers to be at a temperature just short of causing first-degree burns, and once that had revitalized me, I forced myself to see the messages he’d sent. The first was an invitation to breakfast, which, based on the fact it was more than three hours old, I figured I’d missed. I was about to start crucifying myself when I read the next one, and my heart fell out of my chest. 

Hey, I really enjoyed our dinner together on Wednesday. Sorry for being kind of an ass, you looked like a million bucks. Will you give me another chance tonight? Frankies is all I got unless you have another suggestion. My treat this time, I got paid. 

“MYRRH!” I screamed, jumping up and making her nearly knock over the plant she was watering. 

“Y-Yes?!” she stammered. 

“I need a new dress, we’re going shopping, NOW!” I said, scrambling to find a clean pair of panties and then pull on a pair of pants, all the while texting back that I would love to go Frankies with James, would he like to pick me up at 7pm?

“Oh! Um, so, you got a good message from James then?” Myrrh said, putting on her own clothes as I hopped about like a manic musbeast. 

I shoved my phone at her, and she squealed in delight. “Yes! Oh, I do hope we can find a good dress! If not, you can borrow one of mine!”

We not only went shopping, but I had an emergency appointment with Susie to do my hair up properly. I went with a shag haircut, something a bit messy, but in a carefully planned way, and got red highlights put in. I also got a new pair of shoes, and wonder of wonders, a silky grey dress that only required a bit of adjustment to fit me. I think it was meant to be a full-length gown on a durin, but it came to my knees. 

And, sigh. I had the dress padded. It was an off-the-shoulder number, and I was going to be bold and go braless. It also clung to me pretty tightly, showing off my hips quite nicely. I was quite proud that I didn’t have any flab at all, though my ass could afford to have a bit more padding. Still, my fluffy tail was a point of pride, and I had Susie pay it special attention.

Then, the panic set in. 

“What if he doesn’t like tails!? They don’t have tails!” I said, pacing about our small room. 

“Um, is this because he’s an alien?” Myrrh asked worriedly.

I shot her a scathing look. “You’re not supposed to know that.”

“Kinda hard when he won’t shut up about it,” Myrrh sighed. “Not even two beers in and I think he would have told us his life’s story…”

“He’s working on that,” I said, in a completely non-defensive manner. Saints and Angels, I really was falling in love if I was willing to overlook the big idiot’s greatest character flaw. 

It’s just…there are so many secrets in the world. So many lies. I live a life of near-constant wariness, even in Rhodes Island. I know people think I look like a child. I know they doubt my abilities. I’m always wondering where I stand with everyone, if they respect me, if they belittle me.

I’ll never have to wonder where I stand with James. He couldn’t keep a secret if you locked it in a box first. 

At 7 pm sharp, hold your Siracusian time jokes, please, some of us are doctors and know what punctuality is, James arrived at my apartment, and I very nearly fainted. Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I was rather shocked. 

He had dressed up! Someone had found a very, very nice, authentic Siracusian suit for him! They’d even given him the traditional red orchid that communicated a desire for a man to court a woman! It was a charcoal grey suit, and matched my dress PERFECTLY. He’d gotten his hair done with some gel, slicked back and smooth looking. He even had on a pair of new dress shoes, freshly polished. 

He looked at me, my heart in my throat, and he got this dopey grin on his face that made me even more flustered. “Hey, beautiful. I heard you were looking for a hot date.”

You could have used me to butter bread, because I just about melted. 

“You are looking…very handsome,” I said, peering up at him. “Special occasion?”

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Of COURSE this was a special occasion! You do not go buy a new dress for a normal occasion! You do not find a nice suit, which surely cost more than his paycheck, for a normal occasion! Grandmother's great big fluffy tail and fuzzy ears, I am an idiot sometimes. 

Thankfully, my date was an even bigger idiot. 

“Yes, I’m celebrating the fact that someone was willing to give me a second chance,” he said, and held his hand out for me. 

I took it, and I was certain he could have taken my pulse just by touching my fingers, my heart was thudding so hard. 

“Wait!” Myrrh cried, hurrying forward. “We need pictures!”

“Uh, OK,” James agreed.

Myrrh got me our stepstool, bless her, and snapped several pictures which she forwarded me. I felt like an idiot girl on prom night, back when I was 15. 

Yes, I graduated from highschool at 15. That’s a year early for a vulpo, but not that unusual. We start early and we end early. I did spend only 8 years to become a doctor, but Rhodes Island fast-tracked me as they’re desperate for physicians and I’m something of a fast learner. 

We were somewhat overdressed for Frankies, and a few of the regulars or people who knew me whispered, and I was slightly smug that everyone would be talking about the fact that Dr. Sussurro had a hot date. 

Even if it was with her intern. Oh hell. I hadn’t thought about that. Well, it was probably fine, as the Director had basically told me to date the idiot with her whole “forge bonds” spiel. We would have to notify Warfarin, though. That would be fun. 

Fine dining Frankies is not, but we did order salads to start as well as a bottle of wine. Not the best idea coming off an arts overdose, but to hell with it, you only live once. 

“So, I must ask, who got you the suit?” I said, admiring how broad it made James’s shoulders look. He’s not a beanpole by any means, but he’s also not especially well muscled. The suit filled him out nicely, as one should.

“Believe it or not, it was Texas of all people,” James said, leaning forward and raising his eyebrows. 

“Seriously? I would not have guessed her,” I said, slightly surprised at that. 

“Yeah, I mean, she was like, mafia royalty, right? Apparently, etiquette lessons are something they drilled into her head from the time she was a little girl, and she never forgot them. She told me all this stuff about the language of flowers, what color suit I should wear, and somehow, knew what color your dress was. I almost didn’t believe it until I saw you tonight.”

Ah. I believe I had a spy in my midst. Bless you, Myrrh. That is exactly the sort of information you want leaked. 

“And what does this mean, then?” I asked, fingering the orcid on his lapel. 

He blushed, coughed, and said, “Well, uh, it’s apparently the flower a guy wears when he, um, wants to court a woman…”

“And do you?” I asked. 

James stopped fiddling with his napkin and met my eyes. “I think I do. You’ve been…well. You’ve been the best thing that’s happened to me since I came to this hellscape. No offense, but life on Terra kinda sucks, and you’re basically the one bright spot.”

“None taken,” I said. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was feeling intoxicated, and I hadn’t even had two sips of wine. 

“You’re smart, pretty, and you’re a damn good doctor. I figure…I could do worse. Uh, also…someone pointed out that, er, you were maybe…signaling to me on Wednesday.”

“I do believe to be more clear I would have had to send forth a herald to strew my path with roses,” I said somewhat dryly. 

“Yeah, I uh, sorta figured it out, but…well…I was a bit scared. I mean, you’re my attending, and one of my only friends, so…I didn’t want to screw things up. Guess I sort of managed that by doing the opposite, huh?”

“I assume it was not Texas who informed you.”

“Yeah, no. That was Lemuel. Chewed me out a little. Although, you wanna hear a funny story?”

“Only if it’s actually funny and not darkly disturbing.”

“Oh, I think it’s hilarious. So, anyway, have you ever heard of this show called Steel Petals?”

James was right. It was hilarious. Oh, Cellinia. I’m just glad that James isn’t the densest individual on the planet. You’d think dating another woman would mean you wouldn’t have to deal with someone who couldn’t see the nose on their own face, but Sora did pick a winner in that regard. Though I don’t know the woman beyond having heard her music. 

Idol pop isn’t my thing. I’m more of a rock and roll girl, when I’m not listening to overwrought arias and crying my eyes out. 

After dinner, we didn’t go to the arcade, instead walking out onto one of the observation decks. It’s a bit cold and windy there, so like a proper gentleman, James gave him his jacket, which was approximately the size of a tent on me. Not that I minded, it smelled of him, and it was quite warm. 

We stood there, looking up at the stars as Rhodes Island trundled along in the Victorian wilderness. At last, James asked, “Not to ruin the mood, but…are you OK? From the last couple of days?”

I shivered and pressed myself against him, a sense of weariness washing over me as I closed my eyes, and the tears came. “No. I’m not. You?”

“I keep thinking about that old man. His name was Albert Hillstead. He was the first one I saw. I couldn’t have saved him. Not with all my arts, not with my stupid isekai cheat power. He was going to die. But I didn’t even try. It was the right call. Even if Warfarin hadn’t made it, I would have. Even an empty trauma ward with the best docs in the world probably couldn’t have saved Albert. But…I just…set him aside. And moved on. As if I didn’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t. But I do.”

I nodded. We were quiet for a few moments, then I said, “It was a little girl. I don’t know her name. Maybe I should, but…it would hurt too much. I was trying to save her. Thought I could have. But a shard of orginium had worked its way to her heart, and pierced it. It rapidly crystalized as she developed an acute case. She died on the table. Nothing I could have done. Maybe you could have, but…then again, maybe not. I called it, we moved on. There wasn’t time to do more than close her eyes. She was just the worst. There were others.”

A longer silence, where we just held one another. Life to cling to in the darkness around us. Maybe Kal’tsit had a point. Maybe this is why I’ve been so desperate for love, even as I struggle so mightily to find it. My family won’t see me. They fear me. I’ll probably never hold my nieces and nephews, never have dinner with my mother and father, never get to watch my sister give a violin performance. I’m an exile from my own home. 

James and I…we’re not so different. Just two lost, hurting people who desperately need someone to love. 

At least that’s what I think. Who knows, I’m not exactly rational about this. 

“Is it like that often?” James asked quietly. 

“Not every day. Or even every week. But…yes. If it’s not a bomb in Victoria, it’s a bandit raid in Siracusa. Or a venomfly outbreak. Or a catastrophe that hit a small village in Iberia. Or a mining accident in Rim Billington. Wherever the Infected need aid, wherever the sick need healing…Rhodes Island will be there.”

He nodded. “Yeah. You done that a lot?”

“Not as many as the more senior doctors, but…yes. In some ways, it gets easier. In others…not so much.”

“I don’t know that I’d ever want it to be easy. If it was, that would mean I didn’t care.”

This idiot. That was why I was falling for him. Rhodes Island is the perfect place for idiots with big hearts and too much idealism. I didn’t want to become bitter and jaded like Warfarin, or cold and robotic like Kal’tsit. Saints and Angels know they’ve probably seen horrors I couldn’t imagine in their long lives. 

Sometimes, I think it’s a good thing we vulpo burn bright and fiercely. Our flames die before they can gutter out on cynicism and grief. 

We walked back to our apartments after that. I panicked slightly, as I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen. As much as I was falling in love, what would I say if James invited me into his apartment? It had been a long time, too long, since I’d been laid. But I didn’t know if I was ready to open myself up that much just yet. I wanted the romance, and I wanted to feel safe. I was getting the romance, but I don’t know that I feel completely safe with James just yet. Not that I feel like he’s a danger, this wouldn’t be happening otherwise, just…I might need more time. 

Thankfully, we walked past his door to mine. This time, when I paused and looked up at him, he bent down and kissed me. Not a chaste one either. Normally I try to judge how good a kiss is, but I don’t care if it was a bit sloppy and awkward; it was wonderful. Our goodbye lasted several minutes, then we broke apart. 

“I’m off tomorrow, you?” he asked. 

“Yes, 48 hours mandatory rest,” I agreed. 

“Hmm, don’t really feel like waking up early. How’s brunch at 10 sound?”

“Delightful. See you then?” 

One more kiss, then we parted ways. Myrrh looked up from her reading, an eager look on her face. “Well?”

“It was wonderful!” I half squealed, and I hope James couldn’t hear me after the door shut, because I sounded like an insane schoolgirl. 

Myrrh and I stayed up late to talk about the date and analyze it, but mostly just gossip and share juicy details. She’s a good friend like that. 

Later, as I lay in bed, I stared at the ceiling and wondered. Where was this all going? I’m normally so meticulous and professional, except in my love life. Then it’s caution to the wind and my heart takes the wheel. I blame my Siracusian blood. 

I decided I don’t know where this is all going. But that’s fine. Vulpo live fast, and love hard. I just hope my heart isn’t broken again. 

Then again, James is a doctor. Maybe he can fix it. I’m certainly going to have to fix him.