The Broad Side of a Barn, Chapter 9

Once he blinked the stars out of his eyes, Kazuma looked around the darkened carriage. He couldn’t see a damn thing! Whatever that light had been, it must have ruined his dark vision good and proper. “Darkness, are you alright? Did you get that necklace off?” 

He paused. Something was wrong with his voice. Something was wrong with him in general. He felt…numb. Like his sense of touch had been almost switched off. He groped blindly in the darkness and found a hand seizing his own. 

“What’s happened?” a boy’s voice said. “W-who are you? Wait, who am I!? What’s going on!? Kazuma?!”

“Who are you!? Where’s Darkness!?” Kazuma demanded.

“What do you mean!? Who are YOU!? Kazuma, answer me!” 

“But, I am Kazuma! Something’s happened to my voice. We need a light…Kindle!” Kazuma snapped his fingers and tried to use the spell…but nothing happened. 

“Wait, you’re Kazuma, but you look…Kazuma, you look like ME!” 

“Well I can’t see for shit, all the lights went out. HEY, LOLISA, little help!?”

“I don’t know what you two are doing in there, but I’m too busy fleeing for our lives, so please just hold on!” Lolisa shouted back. 

“Here, there is a lantern, let me just…” there was a rustling, then the light came on, and Kazuma blinked at, well, himself. 

Across the seat, wearing an actually pretty nice suit now that he got a proper look at it, was Kazuma. His eyes were wide and he looked startled. “Kazuma?” Kazuma said. This was going to get confusing. 

“Yeah, who the hell are you, some sort of doppleganger?” he said.

“No, I’m Darkness. Oh, here,” the other Kazuma reached over and rummaged through Darkness’ purse, before pulling out a small hand mirror. Kazuma took it, then gasped. Staring back at him was Darkness’ face!

So he immediately reached for his chest, and gripped his boobs. Nice. Though it wasn’t nearly as exciting when he could feel the groping from both ends. What a disappointment. 

“K-Kazuma!? Is that you?!” his own body squeaked. Was his voice really that girly?

“Yeah, how could you tell? Wait, don’t tell me, you’re Darkness! That necklace pulled a Your Name on us!” Kazuma ranted.

“I was more thinking that no other person would be so willing to molest my own body in front of me,” Darkness sighed, wiggling slightly. 

“Yeah this is…weird. Quick, give me the necklace so we can swap back!” Kazuma urged. 

Darkness handed it over, but to his horror, nothing happened. “Wait, am I stuck like this now!?”

They only had a few minutes to panic, because Lolisa drove the carriage right up to the mansion then yanked on the reins, tossing them about in the carriage. 

“Ow! What the hell, Lolisa!” Kazuma snarled, untangling himself, from, well, himself as Lolisa opened the door.

“Yes, hell! That’s EXACTLY the problem!” Lolisa said, grabbing Darkness and pulling her close. “Do you have any IDEA what was in that mansion!? Fire and brimstone, I hope not, because if you did, you’re both insane AND were trying to get me killed, Kazu- wait. Darkness? Why are you…”

“Ah, yes, I am Darkness…Tina. We, ah, put on a necklace Kazuma stole from Alderp, and well…such as you see before you,” Darkness said, gesturing to Kazuma, who flared his nostrils and glared at Lolisa. 

She looked back and forth between them, then sighed. “Well, whatever, that’s some people’s kink, I guess. Look, back to the matter at hand, did you or did you not know who was in that mansion!?”

“Uh, I’m going to go out on a limb here and figure you’re not talking about Baron Fatass or Iris,” Kazuma said. 

“NO! IT WAS MAXWELL THE ADJUSTER, YOU IDIOTS!” 

Kazuma and Darkness both blinked stupidly at Lolisa. “Who?”

“Maxwell the- UGH! Look, you’d call them the Duke of the Sixth Circle, or the Broken Archdemon!”

Darkness’ eyes went wide. “What, a Greater Lord of Hell was in that mansion?!” 

“YES! THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEONE LIKE MAXWELL DOES TO SOMEONE LIKE ME!?” Lolisa wailed, grabbing Kazuma and trying to shake him back and forth. Only, he was just a bit too solid for that, and Lolisa mostly just shook herself up. 

“I’m going to guess nothing good. But, how does Alderp have such a powerful demon there?”

“Kazuma…this is a most serious crime. This is heresy and treachery of the blackest sort,” Darkness said, a dark expression coming over her face. “For this crime, Alderp will be burned at the stake. Something rare for a high noble, but for such treachery…Lolisa, you are certain?”

“Certain!? I TALKED TO HIM! He asked me if I was there to service ‘the Master’ or if I was Maxwell’s ‘reward.’ I stammered about finding an appropriate mortal to slake their appetites then got out of there as fast as my wings could flap! Forget about eternal torture, he’d drain my essence dry and bind my spirit to a coat rack for all eternity!” 

“Well. What an ironic fate for one such as you,” Darkness sniffed. 

“Oh don’t you start with me, missy! Do you know how many mortals I’ve drained dry, do you, do you!?” Lolisa snarled. 

Darkness tried to shove her back, but it turned out Kazuma’s body was weaker than Darkness was used to, so Lolisa just shoved her down and loomed over her. “ZERO! I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR DECADES BECAUSE I ALMOST DID! That’s why I can’t EVER go back to hell! They’d unmake me for being a shitty ass succubus who can’t even seduce a single mortal man or eat one solitary soul! It’s why I’m STILL level one after all this time! So don’t you get high and mighty with me. I’m more of a good person than half the mortals I service, and I’m a damned demoness!” 

Kazuma reached down and plucked up Lolisa, who struggled a bit in his grip, then hung like a limp cat. Huh. This was…shockling easy. He had to be delicate or he felt like he’d break every bone in Lolisa’s body without even trying all that hard. 

“That’s enough bullying my girlfriend. Boyfriend. Whatever, look, I’m straight.”

“Sure you are. That’s what they all say, right up until they get curious and ask for the gay dreams,” Lolisa sighed. 

Kazuma and Darkness both blushed. “That’s not the point! Stop picking on Darkness.”

Lolisa burst into tears, and Kazuma gingerly set her down as Darkness picked herself up. “I’m sorry! I just, we’re all going to die! This whole kingdom is going to burn! I’d run away, b-but all my friends, my sisters, they live here! I-I can’t run, a-and I can’t fight! We’re going to die!” 

“Lolisa…” Darkness sighed, and gave Lolisa a hug, which made her stop crying in shock, and blush mightily. “I’m here. Iris is here. And, need I remind you, Aqua is here. If anyone can take on an Archduke of Hell…it’s us.”

“Hey, I’m here too,” Kazuma grumbled, kicking at a clod of dirt. Unfortunately, he was wearing heels, and promptly went sprawling on his back. 

“Uh, maybe you two aren’t in such tip top fighting shape,” Lolisa said when they helped Kazuma back up. “Fortunately, I don’t think Maxwell is going to go on a rampage right this minute, so…let me see that necklace.”

They handed it over, and Lolisa examined it for a few minutes. “Ok, so, this is a temporary curse. Unless one of you dies. Then it’s probably permanent, so don’t do that. My best guess is it will end at sunrise, or sunset. That’s how these things usually go. So, I guess, go get some sleep, and in the morning you’ll probably be back to normal.”

“Ah, yes, that…might be for the best. I would not want to explain…our circumstances,” Darkness said, blushing up at Kazuma. 

“Yeah, uh, sleep. We’ll definitely do that,” Kazuma said, his mind going to several scenarios where he’d read about just this. 

Lolisa rolled her eyes. “Oh go fuck already. I’m staying here for the night, because there’s no way I’m going back to the coven and potentially leading Maxwell there.”

“”We weren’t-””

“Yes, you were. Do you have any idea how many dream scenarios I’ve done where someone goes in as their crush and then has their own body screw them? This is like, super normal and common. Go have fun. Sky above, you’ll probably learn something useful about pleasing your partner,” Lolisa said, and made shooing motions. 

Kazuma and Darkness snuck inside, but it seemed as though Aqua and Megumin were both absent for the night. They both giggled and started pawing at one another even before they got to Kazuma’s bedroom. Once the door was closed, Kazuma looked down at Darkness, which was something of a novel experience.

“I…I have always wondered…what it would be like, to be a man,” Darkness admitted. “It feels…odd. I feel…so strong, and powerful, and…and angry, too. I do not understand why I feel so angry.”

“Eh, that's normal whenever something scary happens. I just feel…I dunno, kinda…numb? Like, pinch me, for a second.”

Darkness did, and Kazuma frowned. “I can barely even feel that. Weird.”

“It’s my Defense. I feel almost no pain. Oh, I can sense when something could harm me, and on occasion, I do feel pain, but so little can actually injure me that it is a rare and novel and…pleasurable…occurrence,” Darkness admitted. 

“That explains the masochism. So, what do you feel?” Kazuma asked curiously.

“I…I feel you,” Darkness said, and leaned in for the kiss. 

After that, the clothes came off, though both spent a moment examining themselves. 

“How the heck do you ever touch your toes?” Kazuma said, looking down at his massive honkers. “And these things are throwing my balance off!”

“You get used to them, when my breasts first began to develop they were quite the hindrance,” Darkness admitted. She looked down, then touched her raging stiffy. “This feels-oh! Hmm, an odd sensation…”

“That’s nothing, watch this,” Kazuma said, spitting on his hands then rubbing his breasts. He knelt down, and began to rub the breast against’ Darkness’ manhood. Wait. Was this making him gay? He was a bit confused now…

“That is- oh! That is- HRRRRNNGG! K-Kazuma, d-do not stop!” Darkness gasped, shuddering with pleasure. 

Ah, fuck it. This was at best, masturbation. He was basically doing it to himself after all. “Yeah? Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?”

“I-it does, i-it does! Oh, I…I can feel…something building!”

“Yeah? Warn me, otherwise-”

“OOOOOOOOO!” Darkness gasped, and hot wet semen splattered all over Kazuma’s face and even into his mouth, as he’d been right in the middle of talking. 

He unconsciously swallowed, then reached up and wiped at his face, sticking his tongue in his mouth. “Wait…it tastes…good?”

“I…I do enjoy the taste of…of you,” Darkness said, slumping down, a dopey expression on her face. “Do…do it again…”

“Yeah, no, sorry, you’re done for a while,” Kazuma said.

“What!? No, I cannot be, I…I…oh. This is…unusual. I do not…I do not desire you at all. I am…sated. I…I have not felt this way in…hmm. How odd. I feel…like going to sleep…”

Darkness actually lay back against the bed and sighed in contentment, closing her eyes.

“Hey now, hold on! What about me!? I did all that for you and you’re just going to take a nap!?” Kazuma demanded angrily. 

“Oh!” Darkness sat up as Kazuma used the bedsheets to wipe his face off. “S-sorry, I just…this is the first time sex has had no interest to me since…well. Since I became a woman, really.”

“Well, you’re a man right now, and that’s just sort of how it is. You’re horny until you’re not.”

“How long…does it last?”

“Eh, maybe an hour or so. Though it takes like, a day or two to get really horny again.”

“Really? How…different,” Darkness mused. “Well, I suppose I can, um, try something else…what was that thing you did with your tongue…? Here, lay down on the bed.”

Kazuma eagerly did so, and Darkness began experimentally licking at Kazuma’s now soaked loins. To his shock, the sensation wasn’t really like when he normally had an orgasm at all. That was more like pressure building up against a dam until it burst. This was more like…floating on a rising tide, and then being lifted up to glorious peaks. He came back down a little, but then immediately was ready for more, more MORE! 

“Hmmm, I appear to be ready again,” Darkness said after about 20 minutes, which wasn’t nearly long enough. She’d gone from her tongue to her fingers, and had been playing Kazuma like she was a maestro at their instrument. 

“Put…put it in,” Kazuma gasped, sweet sheening on his body. Darkness entered into him, and the experience was just…unlike anything he’d ever experienced. Waves of passion and love engulfing him, and fire and warmth spreading through his body. He eagerly wrapped his arms and legs about Darkness and kissed her passionately. 

They rocked together for several minutes, Darkness keeping a steady tempo that had Kazuma screaming in pleasure. Then, warmth exploded inside of him, and he gasped with delight.

“I…I love you,” Kazuma gasped, and kissed Darkness again. “I want your babies.”

“And I…I want you to bear them, Kazuma. I love you so much,” Darkness panted, then rolled off of him. 

“That was…amazing,” Kazuma finally managed, sitting up. 

Darkness, however, was sound asleep. 

“Men,” Kazuma said in disgust, flopping back down. “They screw you, then just pass out! Wait, am I gay now? Shit, I think this makes me gay…”

He didn’t have long to mull that over, however, as there was a sudden, terrified scream from downstairs. He jumped out of bed, landing solidly this time, no heels. Darkness was blinking and struggling up herself. 

“That was Lolisa!” Kazuma cried. “We have to save her!” 

“Yes, I just…I’m coming!” Darkness wailed. 

Kazuma didn’t wait, pounding down the stairs naked as the day he was born. Or, well, Darkness was born. Damn, these things really did bounce all over the place! He nearly gave himself a black eye! Seriously, Darkness couldn’t pay too much for a bra that could contain these monstrosities. 

He found Lolisa cowering in the corner, a man with feathery ashen hair and glinting glasses looming over her. She was crouched down and sobbing, crying, “No! T-there’s no mortals here! J-just me! I-I killed them, p-please, just, l-leave me-”

“Child, I can sense them. Now, I wasn’t contracted to kill any succubi, but you are being annoying so- ah! The main course arrives! Hello! I am Maxwell the Adjuster, and I will be killing you-”

“RRRAAAAAAWWWRRR!” Kazuma screamed, and ran forward, and punched Maxwell right in the nose as hard as he could. To his utter shock and amazement, the demon went flying, right though the wall, and crashing into a massive crater out on the mansions grounds. 

“GO! I GOT THIS!” Kazuma roared at Lolisa. 

The succubi nodded in panic, then immediately sprouted wings and flew off in the other direction as fast as she could, Darkness puffing and panting as she ran up, holding Chunchumaru and wearing Kazuma’s birthday suit. 

“I…I am here!” she cried. 

“It’s OK, I got him,” Kazuma said smugly. Damn. Darkness really was strong! This was like being superwoman! 

Only, out in the yard, the man suddenly popped up, dusting off his suit. His back was to them and…was he missing the entire back of his head? Had Kazuma’s punch done that?

“My, my. You are a lively one! Well, perhaps this shall be more entertaining than I had thought!” the man chortled, striding back up to the mansion. “Oh, yessss. This shall be most entertaining!” 

“Stay behind me,” Kazuma said, feeling manly and heroic for once. Except, you know, for the fact that he was a woman at the moment. This was really confusing. 

“Now, how to…adjust you?” Maxwell said, stepping through the hole and adjusting his glasses, which had cracked from the punch. He peered at them owlishly, then grinned. “Oh ho ho! I must have forgotten adjusting you before! Your souls are already in the wrong bodies. How…intriguing. I don’t normally start with that one…”

“That’s right, pretty boy! I’m actually in a strong body with a real cheat power for once! I’ll break your face if you try that again!” Kazuma said, raising his fist. 

A breeze whipped by him, and Kazuma froze as Maxwell leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Oh no no, dear boy. You merely caught me off guard. But now…it is my turn.”

With a flick, Maxwell sent Kazuma flying, crashing through the furniture and landing in the fireplace in a spray of ashes. Darkness cried out and tried to cut at Maxwell with her sword. For once, she displayed rather good form and swordsmanship, and if she’d been fighting an ordinary opponent, would have skewered him. 

Maxwell merely blocked with his pinky finger a few times, then yawned into his off hand, even as Darkness performed an expert series of slicing attacks that even Kazuma had to admit was pretty impressive. 

“Dull. Tedious. But you’re not as unbreakable as you’re used to. For example, if I touch you like so…”

Darkness screamed in pain as that same pinky flashed up and struck her sword arm, which cracked and bent, blood spraying and bone poking through the skin. 

“Darkness!” Kazuma cried, and surged back up. He tried to bullrush Maxwell, only for the demon snap his fingers. Dark chains rose up from the floor and wrapped around Kazuma, spread eagleing him in the air.

“Hmm, yes. Normally, this one wishes to be bound, the fantasy of a woman enslaved and chained. And yet…how will she react, when it is not her, but her lover who is so enslaved?” Maxwell mused. 

“Leave…leave him alone! It is me you want!” Darkness cried, bending to pick up Chunchumaru. She sliced again at Maxwell, but this time, the sword bent and wobbled like it was made of rubber.

“No, I think not. I grow bored of that,” Maxwell tskied. A hot poker appeared in his hand, and he touched it to Kazuma’s foot. At first, he felt only faint heat, then he smelled roasting meat, and gasped in pain. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it should have been, but it still hurt. 

“No! No! Do not, not, not Kazuma!” Darkness wailed, and tried to beat on Maxwell with her one good arm. 

“You’ll have to be more amusing than that. Have a seat,” Maxwell said, and a chair ran over, wrapping its arms and back around Darkness and binding her in place. She screamed again as her broken arm was cruelly bound, but she could do no more than struggle weakly. 

“Yes…yes, I have done this adjustment before,” Maxwell mused, pacing around Kazuma, who was suspended in mid air. “Watching your own lover be tortured…it’s even more satisfying when a masochist has to watch that happen! But combining it with a body swap! Mmm, this is a…delectable flavor…and I was given the whole night to enjoy myself with you! Right up until the dawn! Isn’t that…wonderful?” 

“Torture me all you want, just don’t touch Darkness,” Kazuma hissed. 

Maxwell gave him an amused look. “Oh my dear child. Do you think I’m only going to torture you? Hmm, but simple pain won’t be enough for this one…oh no, I think not. Where did that succubus go? It would have been very appropriate to have it fuck your partner to death while you watched. Sadly, it seems to have vanished. Oh well.”

“No! Don’t-” Kazuma began, but a ball gag appeared, forcing itself into his mouth until his jaw ached from being overextended and tears sprang into his eyes. 

“Hmm, what to do, what to do? Well, we can’t have you just passing out from the pain yet, too much of a mercy. So…” he reached down and bent Darkness’ arm back into place, making her scream in agony. “There! Not too fixed, but still. Hmm, hmm, now how to torture this one? Ah, yes. Pleasure! Pain and pleasure, two sides of the same coin, no? Let us see…ah! Yes. Perfect.”

A pillow got up and walked over at a twitch of Maxwell’s finger, then slowly morphed into the shape of a curvaceous woman. It knelt in front of the panting Darkness, who tried to lean away. 

“There we go, a diet succubus, if you will. Now, you’ll pleasure that one until her mind is gone, hear? And as for me…pain for this one! My favorite.”

Slivers of bamboo appeared in Maxwell’s hands, and he placed one under each of Kazuma’s fingernails and toes, poised to be driven in, even as the pillow woman began to suck greedily at Darkness’ dick, making her moan in pleasure.

“Kazuma, Kazuma, I did not…I do not wish to…to cheat on you! Please, believe me, I take no p…plea…pleasure from…from…thissssss! Ooooo!” Her back arched, and she began to sweat. 

“You’re familiar with bamboo torture, are you not?” Maxwell said with a grin as Kazuma’s wide eyes watched the slivers begin to slowly inch under his nails. “Yes, it is most-oh, what’s this? That succubus is coming back! Perfect I- wait. No, no no no! NO! This is not-”

A wailing Lolisa flew back in, and Maxwell sprang forward, karate chopping her right into the floorboard so hard there was a crunch and splinters flew. 

“Idiot low-level pest! You interrupt my pleasure with your idiocy! I-”

The two lights that shone through the walls of the mansion nearly blinded Kazuma, and he had to squint to try to see. One was blue, the other silver, two women with battle auras like super saiyans surrounding them. 

“You,” Aqua growled. Her hagoromo was floating about her, and she’d sprouted watery wings and flowing white robes. “Get the fuck away from my friends.”

“I’m going to kill you, Maxwell,” Chris, holy shit, what was Chris doing here!? She had a silvery feather cloak on, and was holding up two daggers that shone with a holy light, and her hair was suddenly down to the small of her back. “This time, you’re not getting away from me.”

“Two goddesses!? What is this?!” Maxwell hissed, taking several steps back. “I could easily best one of you, but two is-”

“GOD BLOW!” Aqua screamed and dashed forward, her fist glowing with power. Maxwell snarled and crossed his arms to block the blow, then screamed in pain as Chris shadow stepped behind him and drove her daggers into his back. 

“SNEAK ATTACK!” 

The battle was short, but so intense that the chains binding Kazuma were blasted to bits, and his wounds healed by the sheer holy energy. Maxwell was soon reduced to a charred, bleeding ruin. 

“You will rue this day, goddesses. I will yet claim these mortal souls!” Maxwell snarled. 

“Yeah, no. They’re ours,” Aqua huffed.

“Have a nice trip back to hell, loser,” Chris agreed, and then both cried together, “SACRED EXORCISM!” 

Maxwell screamed, and then puffed to dust, his cracked and bloody glasses falling to the ruined carpet. 

Aqua ran over to Darkness, while Chris hurriedly crouched by Kazuma. “Darkness! How did this happen, you- wait. That’s not Tina’s soul! Kazuma, what are you doing in her- oh. Seriously? You guys haven’t even been dating a week!”

“Hey, Eris, something’s wrong with Kazuma. He smells like Darkness!” Aqua complained. 

“It’s fine, Aqua, just heal her. Him. Ugh, whatever,” Chris sighed. 

“Wait, hold on, you’re…Eris?” Kazuma coughed. 

Chris gave him a flat look. “This is incredibly disappointing. Do you have any idea how many hints I’ve been dropping? I thought you idiots would get it when I stopped being subtle, but no. I was considering wearing a name tag that said, ‘Hello, my name is Eris’ on it, but I decided to milk this. Then this damn succubus flew up wailing at us that it was going to eat your souls, so we came running! You’re lucky we were so close. Where did that pest go? Hey, Aqua, dibs on sending this demon bitch back to hell.”

“Fine, but I get the next one.”

“NO!” Kazuma and Darkness wailed together, and both of them wiggled out of the grips of their goddess and formed a protective barrier between the wrathful deities and the comatose Lolisa. “She saved us!”

“She is our friend,” Darkness said firmly. 

“Without her, we would both have been tortured to death! She risked herself to go get you,” Kazuma declared. 

Aqua and…Chris? Eris? Kazuma was so confused by this night, folded their arms over their chests and glared. 

“Kazuma, get away from that demon before she eats your soul! Did she already do something weird? Why is your soul in Darkness’ body!?” Aqua huffed. 

“I bet if we look upstairs, we’ll find a certain ill-advised sacred treasure you gave that idiot NEET 500 years ago. You know, the one that bodyswapped with a Leisure Girl, then immediately got himself killed by a party of Adventurers while he was still eating his own corpse?”

“Oh. Uh, OK, that wasn’t my best work, but…wait. Did you two body swap?” Aqua demanded. 

Kazuma and Darkness both blushed. “Um, it was an accident?”

“Sure,” Chris snorted. “Perverts.”

A wicked grin suddenly stole over Aqua’s face. “Hey, hey Eris…do you think Kazuma’s going to get himself pregnant?”

“Nah, can’t. Tina’s already pregnant, can’t you tell? Though it’s Kazuma at the moment. Which is still hilarious.”

“Ooo, you’re right! Haha, that is hilarious! Kazuma’s pregnant!” Aqua cackled.

““Wait, I’m what?!”” Kazuma and Darkness gasped. 

“Yeah, I blessed you two,” Aqua said, admiring her nails. “It’s good for more than archery contests, you know.”

“Hey, I helped! Fair fortune, remember? And what’s luckier than having a baby?”

“Kazuma,” Darkness said, turning to him. “We are going to see my father immediately, and you are requesting my hand in marriage.”

“But…but, we only had sex like,” Kazuma tried to count on his fingers. “Three…no, four, or wait, five? Times, right? That’s barely any at all!” 

“It only takes one, genius,” Chris said with a shake of her head. “Relax, you were going to marry her anyway, right? Anyway, that’s probably a side issue at this point. The main issue is why you two idiots are protecting a succubus, and what Maxwell was doing here.”

“I bet they’re brainwashed. We should exorcise her, just to be sure,” Aqua said, holding up a glowing fist.

“No, Aqua, bad!” Kazuma said, waving his hands frantically. “It’s a Wiz situation! Seriously, would you two even have known to come rescue us if it hadn’t been for Lolisa?”

“Ugh, it has a name? Gross. We should put it down,” Chris said, making a face. 

“Wait, hold on,” Aqua said, putting a hand on Chris’ arm. “You mean…she’s like Wiz? She’s…not evil?”

“Senpai! What are you saying?! Of course it’s evil, it’s a DEMON!” 

“Lolisa is a woman, Chris, and I would have you remember that,” Darkness said in icy tones. “She is my dear friend, and a loyal vassal I am placing under my aegis as a retainer.”

“Seriously!? Ugh, you spend five minutes as a man, and already a succubus brainwashes you, Darkness! Come on, Aqua, let’s nuke the trash and figure out why Maxwell is here!” 

“Chris, if you dare hurt Lolisa…I’m going to steal your panties and donate them to the Axis Church,” Kazuma said firmly. 

Chris went bright red, and her hands instantly went to cover herself. “Y-You wouldn’t dare! B-besides, Darkness doesn’t know Steal, s-so you can’t! That’s an empty-”

“STEAL!” 

Chris’ face slowly turned bright red, and Aqua bent over double, laughing hysterically as Darkness held up Chris’ lacy white panties. “I seem to have the steal skill, Chris. And I will make good on the threat!”

“DARKNESS YOU CAN’T! THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR GODDESS AND BEST FRIEND!” Chris wailed, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

“I…um, I-I will convert to the Axis Cult if you dare harm Lolisa!” Darkness huffed. 

“Oooo, you hear that, Eris? Your favorite follower likes me better,” Aqua teased.

“Oh, fine. Keep your stupid pet succubus. See if I ever resurrect you two again,” Chris huffed, turning her back and pouting. 

“Uh, thanks, Chris. We’ll, um, name the kid after you. Or something,” Kazuma promised. 

Chris was instantly all smiles. “Well, if that’s the case, maybe I can find it in my heart to forgive you!”

“Hmph. You better have more kids so you can name one after me, too,” Aqua pouted. 

“Um, yes. Now, er…why is the mansion wrecked?” Kazuma said, looking around. “And why were you two chasing Lolisa?”

“I…yes. I remember…someone was going to hurt her? But…I don’t think it was you two?” Darkness said, putting a hand to her head. 

“Great. That stupid aura is hitting them already,” Chris sighed. “Aqua, if you would?”

“Hmm,” Aqua went over and touched Kazuma and Darkness on the head, then sighed and shrugged. “Can’t they’re in the wrong bodies. Great. Well, we’ll have to explain it all to them tomorrow. For now, we’re going to fix up this place.”

“Super. You two take your succubus and go hang out in the barn. Guess I’m spending all night doing construction with Senpai instead of having fun,” Chris sighed. “We were going to raid Alderp’s mansion too…”

“Oh, yeah, um, that body swap necklace…we sort of stole it from Alderp,” Kazuma admitted. 

“We, um, did not realize what it would do, so, ah…I put it on,” Darkness admitted. 

“Meh. Just hand it over and I’ll take it back to heaven,” Chris said, holding out a hand. 

Kazuma and Darkness exchanged horrified looks, then hastily got down on their knees. 

“Please, think of it as a wedding present!” Kazuma begged. 

“Chris, Lady Eris, I implore you! Let us keep that wonderful treasure! We, ah, we shall keep it over so safe, and, um, only use it responsibly!”

“Uh-huh. And you two aren’t going to just screw each other's brains out the moment you’re out of our sight?” Chris said, putting her hands on her hips. 

Kazuma and Darkness tried to give the goddess their most innocent of smiles, but failed miserably. Especially since they were both still very naked. 

“Eh, let ‘em have it, Eris. It’s been around for a few centuries and hasn’t caused too much trouble. Besides, Kazuma should have a real cheat item. Just promise to only use it on Darkness, OK?”

“Um, I promise to only use it with Darkness’ permission,” Kazuma said, having already concocted several dozen highly perverted scenarios they could get up to together with it. It wasn’t cheating if their mind and soul were the same, right? 

“Meh, good enough,” Chris said with a shrug. “Alright, scram, you two. And if you want that succubus to live, get her out of sight or the sheer holy energy we’re about to put out will banish her anyway.”

They quickly picked up Lolisa, and Kazuma cradled her in his arms. Together, they carried her out to the barn, where they lay Lolisa down on a bed of straw. Behind them, for some reason, Jefferson Starship's “We Built This City” began to play, and the sounds of construction began as the mansion was refurbished.