The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 8

Kazuma blinked and looked around. Was this the dream? If it was, it was definitely not what he’d thought Darkness would imagine. He was in an absolutely massive cathedral, made of shining marble  with flying buttresses,  filled with expensive-looking statuary depicting the goddess Eris. He walked over to inspect a series of images that seemed to depict her history. To his surprise, the icons started off not with the goddess in the feather mantle he was used to, but what looked like a mortal baby being born. The next icon depicted…

“Huh, that looks a lot like Chris,” Kazuma mused, examining what looked like a silver-haired thief fighting demons. He blinked. “Waiiiit a minute…”

“Kazuma? Why are you naked?” 

Whatever Kazuma had been about to realize, it vanished from his mind as he turned around to find Darkness beside the altar, dressed in an absolutely spectacular wedding dress. It wasn’t a slutty one either, but a classical tight fitting silk gown that was somehow much sexier despite covering everything but her bare shoulders. She even had a long train and veil, and was holding a bouquet of white roses. 

That said, Kazuma looked down at himself and blushed deeply, as while Darkness was perhaps overdressed for the occasion, Kazuma was in his birthday suit. Despite himself, he grabbed one of the icons of Eris and used it to cover himself. “H-hey, why are you dressed like a bride?!” 

Now it was Darkness’ turn to start in shock. She looked down at herself and blushed deeply, holding the bouquet to her chest. “I-I did not, I mean, I do intend…but this is too soon!”

“Oh wow. This is not going to work at all,” Lolisa said, appearing amongst the pews. “I mean, this might be your kink, Darkness, but uh…yeah, I’d feel really bad if I profaned a holy place with a sex ed class…”

“Aren’t you a demon?” Kazuma said. “Isn’t profaning holy places, like, your whole thing?”

Lolisa gave him a flat look. “No, Kazuma. Maybe some demons are into that, but I personally have nothing but respect for the gods.”

Kazuma arched an eyebrow. “Really? All the gods?” 

“Um,” Lolisa winced. “Well, uh, Aqua does make a lot of people very happy? Even if I’ve met imps who are smarter…”

“She is my friend, and a goddess. Kindly do not insult her,” Darkness said coldly. 

“Tina, sweetie…she really is,” Kazuma said with a heavy sigh. 

“Yes, well, I don’t know Lolisa well enough to…never mind. I, ah confess I did not intend us to arrive in a church, but, um, I was considering…well…”

“You’re thinking of marriage already!?” Kazuma yipped. 

“And you are not? Kazuma, if this is going to last, this is where it must go,” Darkness said, gesturing to the altar. “Surely you realize that. I will not be content with a simple fling, and a woman of my station cannot afford to have illegitimate children. Even if they are born six months after the wedding.”

“You…wait, seriously? That happens?” Kazuma asked. 

“If you check my date of birth and the date of my parents' nuptials, a bit of basic math reveals a great deal,” Darkness said with a small smile. “Nor, I will add, are they unique in that regard.”

“Yeah, we need a more appropriate venue to discuss this, churches make me uncomfortable. Something about the smiting and the burning,” Lolisa said with a sigh. She snapped her fingers, the room spun about, making Kazuma stagger and drop the icon, which vanished. When things stopped, they were in a bedroom with two large beds and a couch, which he, Lolisa, and Darkness were all sitting on. The room itself was brightly lit, and decorated in a homey style, with linen bedsheets and a few paintings on the wall of various landscape scenes. 

“Alright, here we are!” Lolisa said, jumping off of the couch. “Welcome to Lolisa’s um, Pleasing your Partner Class! I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve changed you both into something more comfortable.”

Kazuma looked down at himself, somewhat relieved to find he was wearing boxers and an undershirt, while Darkness had on her nightgown. Lolisa herself was no longer dressed like a Japanese therapist, but had on a thin green nightgown with hearts embroidered on it. She’d also gone back to her human disguise, her tail and horns disappearing. 

“This is rather incredible, Lolisa, but what does this class entail?” Darkness asked, looking around the room in surprise. 

“I’ll be showing you various bedroom techniques, then you two get to try them out! Consider it a personalized coaching session,” Lolisa said. She gestured, and a plain looking man appeared on the bed. He was the sort of person that you’d pass on the street and never look twice at, with an age somewhere between 20 and 30. 

“This is…we’ll call him Joe. He’s not a real person, more of a training dummy,” Lolisa explained. “Now, he’ll be showing off a few techniques that can help stimulate your partner as the male, while I provide the female example. Unless you’re uncomfortable seeing me, of course, then I’ll use a non-descript female stand-in.”

“I would be more comfortable with, ah, the stand-in,” Darkness said, blushing. “I…I do not wish Kazuma to see…you…naked.”

“Totally understandable,” Lolisa agreed, and spun about. She was replaced with a plain looking woman, who was of rather average build, with features Kazuma would have considered cute, but in a background NPC sort of way. Definitely not main girl material, or even side character. 

“Ok, this is Jane! Jane and Joe are both adults, who want to have sex!” Lolisa’s voice said, coming from nowhere. “Yay! Now, Kazuma, you might not know this, but most women report that they can’t fully climax just from vaginal penetration. Women are also just, very different than men. Most need to get ‘warmed up’ first.”

“Warmed up?” Kazuma said, glancing at Darkness, and she frowned. 

“I am…uncertain. No one ever, well, had a frank conversation about sex with me. I…I was a bit uncertain as to, ah, where you would even put your member,” Darkness admitted. 

“We’ll get into other orifices later! This is just the beginner course,” Lolisa’s voice said. 

Jane and Joe took their clothes off, and began to kiss and caress one another. Kazuma blushed heavily, while Darkness gasped and covered her face, but didn’t look away. 

“Now, there are various erogenous zones. You’ll have to experiment with what your partner enjoys, but…”

Lolisa narrated as the two NPCs, that was the only way Kazuma could describe them, began to caress one another. Joe used his fingers to stimulate Jane, until she began to get wet between her legs. As Lolisa explained, 

“A woman gets wet as a sign of sexual arousal. It’s a natural lubricant, though often it helps to have a little something more. Even then, though, there’s more to it than that! Let’s talk about oral sex.”

Kazuma watched in fascination as Lolisa explained what Joe was doing. A screen in the air even popped up and showed a close-up diagram, and Lolisa walked them through various techniques. 

“That, ah, l-looks very…interesting,” Darkness said, face red. “What about, um…w-what should I do?”

“We’ll cover blowjobs later, for now, just know that this sort of foreplay is vital if you want a fun experience! While most women report that they need other forms of stimulation to be sexually satisfied, most men report that they have no trouble climaxing with just vaginal intercourse, and indeed, that’s by far the most popular form. Though, honestly, almost all the men I’ve talked to or serviced are happy with just about anything, even a hand job! Speaking of, sometimes, your partner needs a little stimulation to get his own game on!”

Jane then showed off how to handle a penis, with Lolisa emphasising that cupping the balls was fun, but squeezing them was a certain way to ruin everything. “The testes are extremely sensitive!  A gentle touch can be amazing, but even a flick could cause intense pain, so handle this package with care!” 

Jane also kissed Joe’s penis, until the man had a ragging stiffie. Kazuma glanced down at himself, frowning. Was he smaller?

“Don’t worry, yours is much larger,” Darkness assured him. 

“You’re perfectly ordinary, Kazuma, and on the high end! Fourteen centimeters is actually in the top quartile of penises! Congrats!” Lolisa’s chipper voice said. “But honestly, most women report that an average penis is much more satisfying than a monster. Too big a penis can be downright painful! Sort of like overly large breasts, actually. My sympathies to your back, Tina, even if you have my jealous admiration.” 

Darkness grimaced and put her arms under her breasts. “I enjoy pain, but they do grow…awkward…at times.”

“Your boobs are perfect and nothing can change my mind on that fact,” Kazuma declared flatly, reaching over to give them a squeeze, which made Darkness moan happily. 

“Now, onto actual intercourse! There are many positions to try, of course! Missionary is the most popular for a reason though, so we’ll demonstrate that now.”

Jane lay back, with Joe straddling her. She guided him in, and the two embraced, both moving rhythmically together. 

“Don’t try to just pound away as fast as you can. Find a rhythm that your partner likes, and stick to it! Be an active participant! Moving together like a dance definitely improves the experience, as does being vocal about what you like!” 

“Yes, yes, right there! Joe, I love you!” 

“Gods, you’re so hot Jane! I love you!”

To Kazuma’s surprise, it lasted only for about five minutes before both cried out, Joe thrusting into Jane and her shuddering under him. 

“Hurrah! Both partners are happy and satisfied! Now, it’s important to remember the male refractory period, but both men and women usually need a bit of a break! Cuddle, talk, and enjoy yourselves!”

“Male…refractory period?” Darkness asked, puzzled, and Jane and Joe hugged and whispered to one another, laughing and smiling. 

“Yes: after ejaculation, men can’t become erect and are actually averse to sexual activities for a period of time. It varies greatly; anywhere from a few minutes to a whole day! Being sick, tired, or in a poor mental state can lead to a longer recovery time.”

“Oh!” Darkness’ eyes went wide. “But, I am always ready for more!” 

“Yes,” Lolisa appeared, licking her lips slightly. “You’re… unique. Most women have little to no refractory period, and some achieve multiple orgasms during sex, either as a part of foreplay or penetration. As a trade-off though, most women have significantly lower libido than men. You…don’t.”

“She’s saying your turbo horny,” Kazuma translated, and Darkness hid her head in her hands. 

Lolisa appeared on the couch and hugged Darkness. “It’s ok! I’m horny all the time too, though, um, that’s an aspect of my biology. You just have a higher-than-average libido. Um, significantly so. You’re honestly the most eager woman I’ve ever met, and, well, I’m a few hundred years old and work in the sex trade. I don’t usually service women, but, well, sometimes you’re starving and you take what’s on offer.”

“I, um, I-I do not normally find women so…enticing…as men, but, um, there was one time, with Claire, w-when we were younger…” Darkness said, peeking out between her fingers. 

Kazuma sat back, mouth gaping. “You…you were into yuri with…with the Suit!?” 

“I-it was not like with you, but, um, w-well…we kissed, and, um, caressed,” Darkness admitted. “We were quite young…Claire was, ah… disappointed…when I did not wish to take things further…”

“I knew she was a raging dyke,” Kazuma said, snapping his fingers. “OW!” 

Darkness glared at Kazuma, lowering her hand after cuffing him. “Do not insult her, Kazuma. She is a dear friend, even if, ah, we did not become lovers. I was more surprised than anything by what she did, but she never brought it up again…you are not jealous, are you?”

“I know what’s going in the spank bank now,” Kazuma said dreamily, imagining the two bustiest women he’d ever met in hot yuri action. 

“You have not…that is, have you been with another woman? Or a man? I recall something about you and Dust…” Darkness said, blushing and trailing off. 

“NO! That was a TOTAL MIX UP,” Kazuma said, making an X with his arms. “Huh uh! And, uh, well, unless you count my right hand, I, um, haven’t had any other lovers.”

“I see. And you find me…satisfying?” Darkness said, sounding uncertain. 

“More than you could know,” Kazuma said, leaning in to kiss Darkness. 

“I’ll let you two get intimate. In the dream, you can do whatever you’d like! I’ve eliminated your refractory period, Kazuma, as per usual. Just enjoy yourselves! If you want tips, ask me, but I’ll just fade away into the background,” Lolisa’s voice said, and when Kazuma and Darkness broke off the kiss, she, along with Jane and Joe, were gone, leaving only the couch and bed. 

“I’m pretty damn horny for you right now,” Kazuma said, and then scooped Darkness up in a bridal carry. She felt light in his arms, and he mentally thanked Lolisa, because he just knew if he tried this IRL he’d be staggering. 

She clung to him, and Kazuma laid her out on the bed, then helped her out of her dress, while she peeled off his shorts and shirt. They kissed again, sitting next to one another. Kazuma reached over and squeezed Darkness’ breast, while she reached down and cupped his balls. He gasped, and she jerked her hand back. “Oh! S-sorry, did I…?”

“No, that just felt amazing, do it again,” Kazuma said, feeling a bit dizzy. “Gently, like that.”

“Harder for me. I want to feel it, Kazuma. Make it painful!” Darkness begged. 

He did twist and pinch, which she seemed to love, then bent her over and spanked her, making her gasp with pleasure. He also tried stroking her like he’d seen, and that really turned on the waterworks. He lay her back down and began to lick at her, copying the technique. It tasted…well, kind of citrus-y? It was a bit salty and mildly sweet and acidic, and fucking incredible. Truly, the meal of the gods. 

When he had Darkness moaning and shuddering with pleasure, Kazuma sat up, then crawled atop her to kiss her. “How was that?”

“A-amazing,” Darkness gasped, clinging to him. “Please, master. I need your seed! Fill me up! Master me completely!” 

“Oh shut it, you stupid whore!” Kazuma said, and slapped her boobs, which made her groan. “You think you’ve earned that?! Show me how to use your mouth!” 

Darkness eagerly kissed Kazuma’s penis, then hesitated. “Um, Lolisa, how do I…?”

“Start with your hand. Lube up a bit, there’s a bottle of oil on the bed, then stroke it like you’re rubbing a cat. Delicately, but with some firmness.”

Darkness complied, and Kazuma gasped at the sensation. 

“Good! Now, the key is, no teeth. Like you’re sucking on hard candy, or an ice pop. Keep your lips over your teeth. There, good!” 

Kazuma shuddered and gripped Darkness’ head as she took him completely in her mouth. 

“Lick it, and move up and down. Go as deep as you’re comfortable with. Some people have a stronger gag reflex and- oh, wow! I guess you don’t really have one!”

“D-Darkness!” Kazuma groaned, as she swallowed him completely, then pulled back, only to do it again, and again. 

“Fuck, I-I, I’m going to-” Kazuma gasped. 

“It’s safe to swallow semen for human women, even if you don’t get sustenance from it like I do. It can be a bit surprising the first time, as it really does squirt out with some force. Some women don’t like the taste or find it unpleasant to have their partner's orgasm in their mouths, so they use their hands to finish. You can do it however you find best!”

Darkness seemed intent on discovering what Kazuma tasted like, as she just licked harder and went faster. He pulled at her hair and bucked involuntarily against her, gasping as he erupted inside of her. She paused, startled, but then licked him vigorously clean, and swallowed. 

“Hmm. A bit like licking a coin, only a bit salty. A pleasant flavor,” she mused, putting her finger in her mouth. 

“That…that was fucking awesome,” Kazuma moaned, and collapsed onto the bed, breathing hard. “Better…better than I’d ever imagined…”

“Oh, it is…it is over now, is it not?” Darkness said, sounding disappointed. 

“Nope! Normally, it would be, but in my dream…just give it a kiss and he’ll perk right back up!” 

Darkness did so, and Kazuma sprang erect, feeling a sense of vigor wash over him. He growled, then pushed Darkness down. “Your turn! You’ve earned my cock now, whore!” 

“Yes, yes master!” Darkness cried eagerly, and helped him into her. 

He took his time, not bucking away recklessly like he had their first two times, but finding a slower pace that Darkness matched. They locked lips for most of it, running their hands up and down one another. He even lasted longer than before, longer than Joe had, he was certain, before he once more spent himself. 

“I love you,” Kazuma whispered, and kissed Darkness. “Marry me.”

“Yes,” Darkness whispered, and kissed him.

Wait, shit, what had he just said?! Ah, forget it. She was going to drag him to the altar anyway. Besides, he’d be an idiot if he let her go. The horniest girl in the world sounded like an absolute bonus. 

“Once more,” Darkness begged, and stroked Kazuma with her hand. He sprang to attention once more, and this time, she mounted him. He clutched at her hips, thrusting up gently as she used her knees to move herself up and down, hands gripping him to keep herself on target. This time was shorter, and Kazuma could feel himself growing weary, even in the dream. 

This time, however, Darkness seemed satisfied. She lay beside him, eyes closed, forehead pressed against his. 

“You’re amazing,” he told her. “Sexiest woman alive.”

“And you are the most perverse man. You are…perfect,” she sighed. 

The two of them drifted off to sleep, and the dream slowly subsided…

Groaning, Kazuma’s eyes fluttered open. By the golden light streaming in the window, it was now late after noon. He sat up as Darkness stirred beside him, and glanced around. There on the floor lay Lolisa, back in her therapist outfit, though she had her skirt flipped up and her blouse was pushed so far up he could see her belly button. Was her stomach a little distended now? Her hand was in her green panties, and a bit of drool was leaking down her chin, her eyes glazed over slightly. She smacked her lips, then let out a sonorous belch. 

“That was…mmmm. That was the best I’ve eaten in…ever,” Lolisa sighed, sitting up with the same dreamy expression on her face. Darkness looked down at her curiously, and Lolisa grinned back at her. “You know, I said I’m not into girls as much, but I changed my mind. You are…you are the sexiest creature in the universe, Tina. Mmmm, if you weren’t taken…”

Lolisa shook her head and slapped her cheeks. “Waaah! Sorry! That was very unprofessional of me! Oh my gosh, I did not mean to take my clothes off! Ahhh!” Hastily, she stood and straightened her garments. “Ehem. Um, yes, well, that was session one! I hope you enjoyed yourselves, and um…please sign up for another soon? Uh, not too soon. Oof, I’m going to have a serious food coma after this…”

“That was…nice. More than nice. It was wonderful,” Darkness said, standing and taking Lolisa’s hands in hers. “Thank you. That was more of an education than I have ever received, and well…I think perhaps I misjudged you, Lolisa. You seem like a truly kind person.”

“I…” Lolisa sniffled, then started crying and hugged Darkness tightly. “Waaah! T-thank you! I-I try so hard, I just…sniff…I love you guys! I-I mean, um, h-humanity. And you in particular! I just…I’ve always wanted…wanted…” she hiccuped and scrubbed her face with her hands. “Oops, um, unprofessionalism strikes again! Um, anyway, there’s no fee for the first session…or the next, actually. I’ll do you guys up anytime, I mean it.”

“Perhaps, that is- OH HOLY ERIS’ FEATHERY MANTLE! WHAT TIME IS IT?!”

“Uh,” Kazuma glanced at the gilded grandfather clock by the window. “About half past five?” 

“We are to dine with Iris at Alderps manor at seven!” Darkness gasped, spinning about with a look of horror on her face. 

“That’s an hour and a half from now, that’s plenty of time,” Kazuma said with a shrug. “It only takes half an hour to get there.”

“Yes, but, I cannot arrive there looking like THIS!” Darkness said, gesturing to herself. She was still in only her bra and panties, and Kazuma rather approved of the outfit.

“I dunno, it would certainly make a statement,” Kazuma said with a lecherous grin. She glared at him, so he sighed and raised his hands. “Fine, fine. We’ll get changed, I guess. Uh, wait…”

“We do not have time for you to go back to the mansion to dress!” Darkness said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “We’ll have to try to find an outfit, but I doubt you will fit into my father’s clothing…”

“Um, maybe I can help?” Lolisa said. They both turned to her, and she smiled shyly. “I, um, w-well, I…I do have the tailoring skill…and I’m pretty good at making fancy outfits…”

“It will have to do,” Darkness said, grabbing Lolisa and Kazuma by the arm and dragging them after her. “Quickly!” 

There were a few sets of Darkness’ father’s old clothing. Thankfully, Ignis didn’t seem to have gone in for the massive lace collars, just the absolutely massive shoulder pads and slightly puffy short things over hose. 

“There, just adjust the jacket to fit over your doublet, the hose should be fine, and I’ll see if I can resize this shoe,” Lolisa said. She did manage it, and stepped back to admire her work. “Very nice! You look rather dashing, if I may say so.”

“Thank you, Lolisa, you’re a lifesaver,” Darkness said, nodding in satisfaction. “Now, help me get dressed, if you would. I would not ordinarily ask you to perform the service of a lady’s maid, but…”

“Oh no, I’m happy to! Any adjustments I can make for you?” Lolisa said, and went with Darkness to go get changed. 

Kazuma went over to the mirror and frowned at his reflection. “Stupid monkey suit. I look ridiculous. This codpiece is just tacky!” 

He adjusted it, then smirked slightly. “Above average, huh? Well, see if Aqua laughs at ‘the holy sword’ now!” 

Despite himself, he posed in the mirror for a few minutes, then spun about when the ladies returned. To his surprise, Lolisa was dressed up as a maid, in a uniform identical to what Ivy and Holly had worn. 

“A change of plans, Kazuma,” Darkness said, motioning Lolisa forward. The succubus blushed, then curtsied to him. “We will be bringing Lolisa with us.”

“Uh, ok, but why? We going to give Alderp an erotic dream?” he asked, baffled. 

“No, of course not. But, Lolisa swears neither she nor her sisters have been employed by the man, or gone near the mansion,” Darkness explained. 

“It’s true! Like I said, we don’t want anything to do with high nobles! Besides, I get the impression that he knew about us, he’d try and control us,” Lolisa said with a shudder. “It would be bad if the Church caught wind of us, but even worse would be enslavement by someone like Alderp and being forced to prey on mortal men again.”

“Even so, she has agreed to accompany us disguised as my maid. It is normal for an individual of my station to be accompanied by their own servants. Once there, she can see if there is a demonic presence at the manor. Should that be the case, we may have the grounds to confront Alderp. Iris certainly has the authority, and that would be the end of things,” Darkness explained. 

“Right, right, but how do we do that without Iris also chopping Lolisa in half?” Kazuma demanded. 

“We will simply claim that Lolisa has the demonology skill. It would be the height of rudeness for Iris to demand to see her Adventurer’s  card, and she trusts me. A demonologist would be able to detect a demonic presence, and they are not, strictly speaking, illegal, even if they are rather suspect as a rule.”

“Uh, alright, I guess. If Lolisa is cool with it,” Kazuma said, eyeing the succubus. 

“Of course! I’m happy to help out my friends. Plus, Alderp gives me the creeping willies,” Lolisa said, and shuddered for dramatic effect. “Trust me, in this profession, you learn which men are bad news. And Alderp gives me ‘has dead tied up women in the basement’ vibes.”

“Well that’s…disturbing,” Kazuma said, though he didn’t argue with the assessment. 

They ended up taking, of all things, a carriage. Darkness harnessed Buttercup herself, Lolisa and Kazuma having very little knowledge of harness and tack, even if Lolisa did say that the massive warhorse was “cute” and found some flowers to braid into Buttercup’s mane. 

The Dustiness Carriage had the family crest on the door, and was painted yellow with white trim. The inside wasn’t quite as plush as Iris’ Royal Carriage, but it was comfortable enough. Lolisa rode up in the driver’s seat, as apparently Buttercup was well trained enough that she would need very little guidance. 

As they rode, Kazuma studied Darkness. She was wearing a cream colored evening gown with plenty of ruffles and lace, but with a neckline that more than showed off her cleavage. Her hair was done up in an intricate braid, and she had on a silver necklace and some diamond earrings. She looked up at him, smoothing her hair back and smiling shyly. “Sorry, is something on your mind, Kazuma?”

“Just you, you’re pretty hot. Dress looks good on you. Jewelry’s nice too, not tacky, just classy.”

“Thank you. You are rather dashing as well. That older style suits you,” Darkness said, and a warm feeling suffused Kazuma. When was the last time a woman had complimented him like that, well…ever? 

He reached over and took Darkness’ hand as they rode together. It was…comfortable. He hadn’t really imagined this was what it would feel like to date her. The raunchy sex, yes, but not feeling relaxed and…loved? Was that what this was? Going to a hoity toity dinner party with the freaking princess of the entire kingdom and it just felt…normal. 

They arrived at Alderp’s manor only a few minutes before the dinner was scheduled to begin. Lolisa hopped off the carriage and opened the door for them, and Kazuma stepped down to offer Darkness a hand. She smiled at him and daintily stepped down, which was somewhat different from her usual habit of stomping everywhere and barreling into the thick of things. 

Alderp’s servants took the carriage to the stables, while Lolisa followed them into the manor. Alexei was waiting for them, and bowed to Darkness, taking her offered hand and brushing his lips over it, despite Kazuma’s death glare. 

“Welcome, Lady Dustiness, and you as well, Master Sato. Please, be welcome. Dinner will begin shortly. For now, enjoy light refreshments in the parlor.”

“Thank you, Sir Alexei,” Darkness said, withdrawing her hand and holding out her arm for Kazuma to take it, which he did, smirking at Alexei. “Come, Kazuma.”

Arm in arm, Kazuma and Darkness headed into the opulent parlor, where Alderp was sitting in an overstuffed chair, sipping wine while a few nervous servants stood around. 

“Ah, you’re here,” Alderp said, eyes narrowing at Kazuma and Darkness. “Well. That’s good. I was half worried you’d decline.”

“I wished to dine with my royal cousin before her departure, and I was pleased to accept your offer of hospitality,” Darkness said, nodding to Alderp and accepting a glass of wine from a maid who bustled over. 

“Hmph,” Alderp said, which was apparently the end of the small talk.

For lack of anything better to do, Kazuma looked about the parlor. It was full of rich artwork, plush carpets, and heavily gilded. Honestly, it looked rather tacky. While Darkness’ own manor was somewhat understated in its displays of wealth, relying on expensive but sturdy hardwood furniture and a few family portraits, Alderp’s was crammed full of stuff. Honestly, Kazuma could see why Chris wanted to hit the place: stealing some of this junk might improve the decor. 

“Guess this is the difference between new money and old money,” Kazuma muttered to Darkness, who smiled behind her glass. 

“Be pleasant, Kazuma. We are guests. And do not forget, the Baron is powerful. He has a great deal of wealth and many friends.”

Some of those friends joined them shortly, Viscountess Kocher and Sir Steit. They gave Kazuma and Darkness frosty stares, then went over and started kissing Alderp’s ass. It was a good thing he was so damn fat, because that meant there was enough for both of them.

“Is it always like this at noble parties?” Kazuma muttered to Darkness as he sipped at his admittedly rather tasty wine. He didn’t have a refined palette or anything, but it tasted a lot like the high quality bubbly Aqua was always spending all her money on. 

“In what regard? This is a somewhat small party, with only a dozen or so guests on the invite list, in the capital there are often banquets with guest lists that run into the hundreds,” Darkness told him. 

“I mean the obvious schmoozers and ass kissers with people sneering at one another over glasses of wine,” Kazuma said, as a few other nobles entered, including that blowhard Count von Strumkranz from Megumin’s Showing Off competition. 

“Ah. Yes. Unfortunately, you will receive a great deal of those looks, and potential ass kissers,” Darkness said with a sigh. “Especially once we announce our engagement. You are now associated with one of the oldest and most powerful houses in the Kingdom, even if we are a tad destitute at the moment.” 

“Even with us winning the Archery Contest?! The purse was huge, and we had our debts forgiven!” 

“Part of them. Alderp owns the quarries that are rebuilding the walls, as well as having an iron fist over the freemasons. He’s making a killing both in Axel and elsewhere with several other royal contracts, and my house still owes over one hundred billion eris to him.”

“A hundred…billion?” Kazuma said, feeling a bit dizzy. He’d never be able to complete enough quests in ten lifetimes to earn that much money. 

“It is rather rare for a common merchant to be able to gain enough prestige and monies to purchase a writ of nobility in Belzerg. Far more common is the path of the sword, where martial skill earns you a place in a noble house, or even a barony. Such is the path you took, and it is a far nobler one,” Darkness told him.

“Me!? I thought I just hopped into bed with you!” Kazuma hissed, giving a fake grin to the head of the local merchant’s guild. What was his name? Beano or something. 

“Kazuma, you have quite publicly put paid to the Mobile Fortress Destroyer, Beldia, and there was the matter of Vanir and Wiz. Not small feats,” Darkness pointed out. “You are amongst the most successful adventurers in the realm, and have gained no small amount of notoriety. Including…”

“Master Kazuma, Cousin Tina!” Iris entered the room, and instantly made her way over to Darkness and Kazuma, a wide grin on her face. She was dressed in a far more ornate gown than she had worn previously, this one a blue and silver ensemble that made her look like even more of a loli saber-face than usual. She still had on that grape hair ornament though, and wasn’t wearing her sword. “How are you this evening?”

“Well, Iris,” Darkness said, giving Iris a hug. 

Kazuma held out a fist to the princess, and Iris examined it curiously. “Sup Dawg.”

“It is a greeting from his homeland,” Darkness told Iris. “You bump your own fist into his.” 

Kazuma nodded seriously. “One between noble warriors. The proper response is ‘ayyy lmao.’” 

“Ayyyy la-mawoh!” Iris said eagerly, bumping Kazuma’s own fist as Claire made a strangled sound behind her, and Rain tittered.

“I’ll tell you about the legendary bowfa later,” Kazuma promised Iris, which made her eyes sparkle. 

“You most certainly will NOT,” Darkness huffed, elbowing Kazuma. 

“What is a bowfa?” Claire asked suspiciously, which made Kazuma grin and Darkness smack her palm into her face. Kazuma had got her with that one long ago. 

“Bowfa DEEZ NUTZ!” Kazuma declared, clutching his groin. 

Rain let out a startled gasp of horror, while Claire reached for her sword. Iris, in turn, started laughing hysterically, drawing the eyes of all the guests. 

“Kazuma,” Darkness hissed, smacking his arm. “Not in front of others at a party!” 

“Iris, avert your eyes. I am going to murder him,” Claire growled, trying to get her sword clear of the scabbard, despite Iris grabbing her arm as she continued to giggle.

“Don’t you dare, Miss Claire. These parties are normally dreadfully tedious. I might actually have fun at one for once,” Iris told her ‘bodyguard’. 

“See? She’s a poet, and didn’t know it,” Kazuma quipped, earning him another groan from Darkness and more giggles from Iris. 

“Master Kazuma, I will beg you not to corrupt her Highness, at least not in public,” Rain sighed. 

“Oh do not worry, Cousin Tina, he shall not corrupt me,” Iris said, her eyes still dancing with merriment. “Did you hear what sort of winds blow from the soldier’s mess haul, Master Kazuma?” 

“Iris!” Claire squeaked, but Kazuma asked,

“No, what kind?” 

“Winds of beans and onions!” Iris said, then grinned expectantly at Kazuma.

It took him a moment, then the coin dropped, and Kazuma snorted with laughter. “Must have been chili that night!”

“Hee-hee! At least the wind was warm!” Iris tittered. 

Claire glared at Iris, only for her to stick her chin up at her. “Just because you don’t like any jokes doesn’t mean I haven’t heard any good ones.”

“Crass humor does not become the royal personnage,” Claire sighed. “We were supposed to go make your greetings to Baron Alderp, not stand in the corner making fart jokes.” 

“Better to do it in the corner than in the middle of the room, at least then she can blame me,” Kazuma said with a dopey grin, which only made Claire snort fire. Not as metaphorically as Kazuma would have liked. Was she secretly a dragon or something? 

“Oh, very well, I suppose it is my duty,” Iris said with a heavy sigh. Then she turned and headed over to where Alderp was surrounded by the rest of the guests. Darkness nudged Kazuma, and they followed after Iris. 

Seeing the Princess, Alderp stood up and bowed to her. “Highness, you grace us with your presence this evening. I hope you enjoy this small party at my humble abode.”

Aldper gestured grandly to the overdecorated room, which Iris eyed. “Yes, it is obvious to all this room belongs to the wealthiest man in the Kingdom, Baron. None could doubt your taste after a visit here.”

Alderp swelled with pride at that, until someone snickered. Not, for once, Kazuma, who just leered at the man. Alderp seemed to realize that Iris had just called him a tasteless blowhard, and his color reddened. But Iris had already turned away to Alexei, who was waiting by his father’s side. 

“You spoke of the gardens, Sir Alexei. I would take the night air before dinner,” Iris said, leaving the furious Alderp behind as Alexei showed her outside, where the gardens had been lit with glowing mage lights. 

“Well, we shall see how her Highness feels after I give her my gift,” Alderp blustered to his guests. He pulled out a velvet box, which had a tacky looking necklace of segmented gold on it. It didn’t even look all that special to Kazuma, though the guests made impressed noises. Alderp grinned and put it away, looking pleased with himself. 

On a whim, Kazuma stepped back, then made a certain motion with his fingers. “Steal.” 

A moment later, he felt the weight of the necklace in his hand, and he quickly hid it away. Alderp didn’t even notice, still boasting about how much he’d spent on the tournament. 

Darkness, however, had noticed, and frowned at Kazuma. “You did not steal a lady's underthings, did you?”

“No, I’ll show you later,” he promised. “It’ll be hilarious, just you watch.”

After half an hour, dinner was announced, and Kazuma and Darkness headed into the lavish dining room with the rest of the guests. Iris was seated at the place of honor of course, along with the winner of the melee, some muscle headed knight who had a chin like a lantern and the intelligence of a rock from his monosyllabic comments. 

The food was incredibly rich, and while certainly delicious, was a bit much for Kazuma, who was stuffed to bursting after only the third of seven courses. He just nibbled at the rest. The massive chocolate cake brought out for dessert only disgusted him, and he’d never been much of a sweets guy anyway. 

Towards the end of the meal, Alderp stood up, tapping his glass and drawing the guests' attention. “In honor of her Royal Highness’ visit, I have a special gift for her, as a token of my thanks. This item is said to be a Divine Treasure, and one I purchased at great expense!” 

Alderp fished around in his jacket, only for his face to go pale as he hefted it. He could probably tell it was empty, and he hastily opened up the box, looking astounded. Kazuma hid a grin in his wine glass, watching the blubbery bastard flounder. 

“Here it is, Father, I have it,” Alexei said, hastily stepping up. He smoothly produced what looked like a rather plain dagger, with a worn hilt, though the scabbard was jewel encrusted. “This dagger was said to have been wielded by the Divine Thief Fortuna, companion of the Holy Eris herself when she was but a mortal girl.”

Alderp looked deeply relieved, and nodded to Alexei. “Yes, thank you, my son. Here, your Highness.”

Eagerly, Iris took the dagger, tossing aside the scabbard and holding it up. “This is a mighty gift! This blade has been lost for centuries! How ever did you come by it?!”

“I was sent to retrieve it by my father, with a few companions. We braved a terrible dungeon, and at the bottom, located the dagger,” Alexei explained. 

“This is a great treasure of the Church! I shall deliver it to the Patriarch in the capital myself! Truly, you have done the kingdom a great service, Lord Alderp,” Iris said, reverently handing the dagger to Rain, who produced a silk handkerchief to wrap it in. “You have earned yourself a royal favor with this gift, Baron. One the Crown will not soon forget.”

“Yes, well, I had hoped to deliver it to his majesty myself at our next meeting, but considering your victory yesterday , it seemed appropriate,” Alderp said, mopping his brow with a napkin.

Kazuma frowned. Damn. The idiot had recovered from that quickly enough.

After that, the party broke up, with people talking excitedly and complimenting Alderp on his choice of gift. “That necklace looked terribly tacky, Baron. Good job making the switch,” 

Von Strumkranz said. 

“Yes, well, it seemed only wise,” Alderp blustered. 

They said their farewells to Iris, who hugged Darkness once more. “Cousin, you simply must come visit us in the capital. Bring Megumin and Master Kazuma as well! You would truly make my duties less onerous with even a brief visit.”

“I shall, after I go to see my father,” Darkness promised. They headed back to the carriage, where Lolisa was waiting. 

“Well?” Kazuma asked her.

“Holy shit, Kazuma, are you trying to kill me?” Lolisa asked, a grin plastered on her face. “Let’s get the fuck out of here before we all die.”

“I…what?” Kazuma said. He looked around to Iris, but she was already leaving. Darkness was frowning, looking more than a little concerned. 

“Lolisa?”

“Please, let’s go, now!” Lolisa begged, a more than slightly crazed look in her eyes.  Kazuma nodded, and he and Darkness got into the carriage. 

“What was that about?” Kazuma asked as the carriage rumbled away. “She was trembling. What has her spooked?”

“Bishop Niblib was in attendance, perhaps she worried she would be exorcised?” Darkness said, but she didn’t sound like she believed it. 

“Yeah, weird,” Kazuma said, getting out the gold-plated necklace. He examined it, his dark vision picking out some words. “Woah, hold on. This is in Japanese!”

“Oh, is that what you stole? The necklace Alderp was going to give Iris? A pity he had a backup gift that was more impressive,” Darkness said, leaning over. She touched the necklace, and Kazuma offered it to her.

“Here, put it on. It’ll look better on you than me,” Kazuma said, and Darkness complied.

She held the necklace up, squinting at it in the dim light. “You mentioned it had an inscription in your native tongue. What does it say?”

“It’s in Japanese, but it’s Shakespeare, actually,” Kazuma said. “I know, I had to study that stupid play in high school before I dropped out.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s from the play Measure for Measure. It says ‘What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is yours, and so, now I am you.’ Weird, huh?”

“Odd, perhaps it was a memento from-” Darkness cut off, as the necklace suddenly began glowing. 

“Shit, shit, shit! Throw it out the window, throw it out the window!” Kazuma said frantically. 

Darkness reached back to undo the necklace, but then there was a bright flash, and everything went black to Kazuma. 

Back at the manor, the flash did not go unnoticed. Alderp saw it, and gritted his teeth, making a fist. So. That brat had ruined his plans. Again. Well. He would have the last laugh. Time to make a special call.