The Broad Side of a Barn, Chapter 5

“What do you think? Is my disguise not cunning?” 

Kazuma had to fight back a smile, as Iris pirouetted before them. She’d changed out of her cream-white silk dress, and into a blue woolen one that looked like it belonged to the daughter of a prosperous merchant. She’d put on a straw hat that Kazuma had made for her when she’d made it clear she wanted to go out in secret, though she still had on the grape hair ornament. 

“I’m sure no one will suspect it is you, Iris,” Darkness said, kneeling to adjust the princess’ dress. Darkness herself had changed into a summer dress that similarly would have fit a prosperous member of the merchant class. Indeed, with the matching hat (also made by Kazuma) she looked like she could be Iris’ older sister, which made sense if they really were first cousins. 

“I still think this is an ill-informed masquerade,” Claire grumbled. She had not changed into a dress and was instead wearing a very out-of-place white suit with gold buttons and riding boots. 

“It will be fine,” the governess, whose name was Rain, said with a smile. Her dress had already been rather more plain; a practical blue gown with a corset and blue bonnet. “She does look darling in it, doesn’t she?”

“What if someone accosts the princess!? We’re supposed to keep her safe,” Claire huffed. 

“Eh, don’t sweat it. You’ve got Kazuma Sato and Darkness the Crusader with you,” Kazuma said, striking a pose. He was just wearing his normal clothes, and didn’t see what all the fuss of changing was about.  “We’re the number one adventuring party in this town!” 

“Being the best adventuring party out in the boonies is hardly something to brag about,” Claire muttered, but glanced at Darkness and sighed. “Oh, very well. I suppose with a Dustiness and a Symphonia to safeguard her highness, the risk is minor.”

“Who the hell does she think she is?” Kazuma muttered to Darkness as they headed towards Axel, which was only a short walk from the Tournament Grounds. 

“Claire is a member of House Symphonia, second in line behind her elder brother, and daughter of Duke Aquarius Symphonia. She’s widely regarded as the best duelist in the Kingdom, which is why she’s charged with Iris’ safety,” Darkness whispered to him. “She’s also a bit of an uptight prude, and completely obsessed with Iris’ safety. She means well though, but, ah, she does have something of a reputation with men.”

“What, is she a degenerate pervert like you?” Kazuma muttered. 

“Sato! What are you whispering about, and why are you leering at the princess? If you have any ill intentions towards her,” Claire snapped at him. 

“...never mind, you’re a raging misandrist, aren’t you?” Kazuma said bluntly. 

Darkness groaned, but nodded, while Claire went bright red. “If you have any ill intentions towards the princess…”

“Nah, I like ‘em with big boobs and a nice ass,” Kazuma said, making round mounds in front of his chest. “But she’s a real sweetie. Unlike some people.”

“Why you…” Claire hissed. “If you try to corrupt the princess-!” 

“Cousin Tina, Master Kazuma, come! What are you whispering about? You’re not plotting to escape me, are you?” Iris asked, coming back to them and taking Kazuma and Darkness’ hands. Claire glared at them, but didn’t make a move to block her. 

“We were just talking about all the places to show you,” Kazuma told Iris, winking at Claire, which made steam come out of her ears. “I was thinking the duck pond would be the perfect place to stop. We’ll get some bread first to feed them.”

“Ooo! I have seen other children feed the ducks in the moat, but I was never allowed myself. Though one time, I did sneak down and lure out a dire alligator,” Iris said, striding along happily. 

Kazuma blinked, then glanced at Claire, who sighed heavily. 

“She did indeed…”

“Uh, there aren’t any dire alligators in our duck pond. Just ducks, and catfish.”

“A pity, I did rather enjoy wrestling it! But father wouldn’t let me keep Snuggles, so I had to let him go.” 

“Oh, so it was just a baby alligator then,” Kazuma said, feeling slightly relieved. 

“Oh no, Snuggles was at least 100 stone! He tried to pull me in the moat when I first caught him, but when he bit my arm I tossed him on the bank and wrestled him until he decided we could be friends!” Iris said brightly. 

Kazuma wasn’t sure how much a stone was, but he was pretty sure it was more than a kilo. And Iris looked like she might weigh 35 kilos soaking wet. 

“She was seven at the time,” Darkness said, ruffling Iris’ hair. “It wasn’t the biggest dire alligator I’ve ever seen, but he was a healthy size.” 

Apparently, Iris had Darkness’ durability. And common sense. 

“I very nearly fainted when I saw the creature,” Rain added. “I would have killed it, but Iris sobbed when I started casting Fireball and begged me not to.”

“And that was when his Majesty decided that her Highness needed a bodyguard,” Claire said with a shake of her head. “I was only seventeen at the time, but I was selected for the task.”

“So, wait. The girl who, at seven, could wrestle a dire alligator she fished for with her bare hands…needed a bodyguard?” Kazuma asked. 

Claire bristled, but Darkness laughed. “I’ve often said that Claire’s primary responsibility is to protect everyone else from Iris.”

“I did ask to fight in the melee tomorrow, but Claire forbade it,” Iris said with a theatrical sigh and a pouting lip. 

“Uh, yeah. That wouldn’t really be fair,” Kazuma said, and Iris looked up at him with a furrowed brow. “For one thing, what kind of knight would be willing to smack the royal Princess with a mace? Only a major ass-sssertive jerk,” Kazuma rapidly corrected course when both Darkness and Claire shot looks of pure murder at him. “Plus, it would look real bad if all those macho knights got beat up by a little girl. Hurt their pride and stuff.”

“Well, perhaps when I’m older. Jatice jousts, and no one says he isn’t allowed,” Iris said, still pouting slightly. 

Kazuma glanced at Darkness, who clarified, “Her elder brother, the Royal Heir. He’s off fighting in the North at Fort Defiance.”

“What sort of bumpkin doesn’t know who the Crown Prince is?” Claire said with a snort. “You’ve always had terrible taste in men, Tina, but this takes the cake.”

“Kazuma is an Otherworlder, chosen by the gods,” Darkness said coolly. “He has been in Belzerg for only a year, and yet has already defeated four major threats to the kingdom.”

“Oh yes, you simply must tell me about those!” Iris said excitedly. “I’ve heard about Beldia and the Destroyer from Tina’s letters, of course, but what are the other two?”

Kazuma coughed. “Well, um, why don’t I tell you the version of the Belida fight you won’t hear in public. You see, it all started with this chuuni little menace, and her Explosion obsession…”

They arrived at the guild, which was even more packed than usual. Kazuma and Darkness were, of course, instantly recognized and greeted with wild cheers. 

“The hometown heroes who captured the prize for Axel! Three cheers for Kazuma and Darkness!” Dust said, grabbing both their arms and raising them high. 

Darkness blushed cutely, but Kazuma grinned and raised his other arm in a fist. “FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYONE WITH THE PRIZE MONEY SINCE I’M OUT OF DEBT!” 

“KA-ZU-MA! KA-ZU-MA!” the crowd roared, clearly delighted at the prospect. 

Was this what Kazuma had been missing his entire life? To finally have the praise and adoration that he so richly deserved? 

Man, screw these guys. Why weren’t they cheering my name when I needed someone to back me?

So instead, he knelt down in front of Darkness and swept his arms up, pointing towards her, in a pose that would have made Megumin weep for joy. “And let’s not forget Lady Dustiness, who paid to rebuild the town AFTER she helped to save it, because that fat bastard was too cheap to do it!” 

“DARK-NESS! KA-ZU-MA! DARK-NESS! KA-ZU-MA!” 

“K-Kazuma, this is not the sort of embarrassment I enjoy,” Darkness muttered, though she looked rather pleased despite her words. 

Luna bustled forward, shoving aside rowdy adventures and smacking a few of them to get them to quit harassing her girls, before bowing low before Iris and her retainers. 

“Welcome to the Axel Guild Hall, your-”

“Alice,” Darkness interrupted, and Luna paused, still bowing with her head turned towards Darkness. “Um, her name is Lady Alice. She’s, ah…a cousin of mine.”

“I see,” Luna said. Thankfully, she was fast enough on the uptake not to ruin Iris’s ‘cunning disguise.’ “Would you like a private room for your meal?”

“Oh no, I wish to eat in the common room! The ambiance of this place is most charming,” Iris said with a wide grin that made her cheeks dimple. 

“Hmmm,” Luna looked worried, then smiled and nodded. “Of course! We’ll find a booth for you right away!” 

Luna turned away, but Kazuma’s Eavesdropping skill let him pick up her hissed orders to her Guild Girls. “Clear off that one back in the corner, and tell all these ruffians that if one of them so much as looks at the Princess funny, swears, farts, or doesn’t have IMMACULATE table manners, so help me, I will have them clearing out Dung Golems from the sewers for the rest of their natural lives!” 

The guild girls nodded, and Kazuma looked to the side and noticed that Rin had Dust by the ear. 

“Ow, ow! Easy Rin! I know how to behave with a highborn lady, honest!” 

“I swear Dust, if you try and mooch drinks off that sweet thing…”

“I wasn’t, honest! Seriously!”

“Just go make sure those pigs behave themselves! We don’t want to scare away the princess!”

Sheesh. Kazuma knew Iris’ ‘disguise’ wasn’t great, but if Dust and his party could see through it, it was pretty bad. Ah well, she was just a kid, and seemed kinda sheltered. If scary. He had to remember she apparently wrestled alligators for fun. 

The party was seated at the nicest booth (from which a party of Adventurers had hastily evacuated themselves when Luna informed them they were done). From somewhere, Luna produced actual menus. They were on slates of wood, but had engravings of the food on them. Kazuma had never seen those. The Guild Girls normally told you the options. A ‘bowl of brown’, bread, cheese, ale, and whatever the cook had on hand that day for a special. 

“If you’d like, the cook can whip you up something special,” Luna said, coming over with a wax slate herself. Normally she had her minions take the orders, but the Princess got special treatment. 

“I shall have a strawberry neroid, with the battered toad’s legs and coleslaw!” Iris said excitedly. “Cousin Tina wrote me of her adventures, and told me of how delicious such meals were after a hard day of adventuring! I wish to sample them myself.”

“That sounds good, I’ll have the same, but give me an ale,” Kazuma said, handing Luna back his and Iris’ menu. 

“A bowl of brown and some bread for me,” Rain said with a smile. Kazuma was surprised: She looked like a high-class lady, and had to be well bred if she was Iris’ tutor. “It reminds me of my own adventuring days when I was younger…”

Oh, right. These people were all insane. 

“A boar-bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, with the coleslaw,” Claire said. “And a neroid for me, I’m on duty. Mint, if you have it.”

“I, ah, am a bit hungry,” Darkness said, blushing slightly. “I’ll take an entire roast chicken, two loaded potatoes, tossed green salad, and ale.”

“A bit hungry?” Kazuma said, raising an eyebrow at her once Luna had bowed and hurried off with their orders. 

“Tina always did have an appetite,” Claire said with a grin. “I once saw her eat an entire suckling pig.”

“You ate one as well,” Darkness muttered, but she was still blushing in embarrassment. 

“Oh, don’t be like that Tina! I’m still a growing girl, and I have a healthy appetite!” Iris said. “They are going to give me the entire frog leg, aren’t they?” 

The others at the table all blinked at Iris, until Rain said gently, “Ah, Miss Alice…you do realize just how…?” 

But Iris had given it away by ducking under the table to giggle hysterically, and the whole party chuckled along with her. She really was quite adorable, and not nearly as stuck up as Kazuma thought a princess would be. 

Their food came out much faster than Kazuma’s usually did, but he was willing to bet the cooks had dropped whatever they were doing to make the Princess’ food. Phil the cook actually came out with the food himself, and  even put on a clean apron to do it.  Kazuma knew damn well the man’s clothes were usually filthy with grease and sweat. He’d even combed the five hairs he had left on his head. 

“Uh, the boys in the back and me, wese real honored yeh’d come and eat our stuff, Highness, so wese was makin’ this real special like for ya,” Phil said, presenting the Princess’ food. He’d made some sort of fancy looking garnish for Iris’ food, though Kazuma was pretty sure it was just ketchup and mayo mixed together. He’d also put a wilted sprig of paisley on the food, which was slightly hilarious. 

Iris, however, received the food with serious grace and nodded to Phil. “Thank you, Master Chef, for this meal. It looks quite sumptuous.” 

Kazuma had never seen Ole Phil blush before, but the man actually teared up and had to dab at his eyes with his nice clean apron. “Dat means a lot, commin’ from royalty and all. Tanks, swee-uh, I mean, your Highness.”

Iris daintily used her fork and knife to dig into the food, smiling and making pleased noises that nearly had poor Phil bawling. He bowed again and shuffled off towards the kitchen, only to get smacked on the head by Luna.

“Idiot! She was supposed to be in disguise! Did you not see how hard she was working to make us feel comfortable!? Now you’ve gone and ruined the whole thing!” 

“Ow! But everybody knows she’s the Princess, we saw her at the contest and all!” 

“Yes, but if she wants to be incognito then she is damn well incognito! Or do you want to make a Belzerg mad?!”

Phil paled considerably at that, then disappeared. Fortunately, Iris seemed to have missed the byplay, though she was eyeing Kazuma. Actually, everyone was eyeing Kazuma. He paused, made sure to chew his food first, then asked, “What?”

Then he looked around again. Everyone, even Darkness, was using their forks and knives and eating with polite manners. Kazuma, however, had just picked up his greasy fried frog with his fingers, dipped in the admittedly pretty good ketchup and mayo mix, and shoved it in his mouth like usual. 

“Oh! Is this how one dines at this establishment?” Iris asked, setting down her knife and fork. And then, to Claire and Rain’s utter mortification, she grabbed her food with her hands and stuffed it in her mouth.

“Uh, we do still use a fork for the coleslaw,” Kazuma said, holding his up. “That’s a bit messy to use your fingers for.”

“Oh!” Iris blushed prettily and looked deeply embarrassed. “I, um, well, I apologize for-”

“Pff, don’t sweat it. Heck, half the time, people lick their plates clean,” Kazuma said, then demonstrated, though he used his finger to wipe up some sauce and stick his finger in his mouth. 

Giggling, Iris used her napkin to wipe off her fingers, though she did start eating her fried frog sans silverware. Not that the guild used actual silver. Theirs was all pewter. 

During the lunch, Kazuma regaled Iris with tales of their various exploits against giant toads, including the several times that Megumin and Aqua had ended up getting munched on by the hulking amphibians. Iris giggled at the description of their party members popping out and screaming in panic, which Kazuma wrapped up with, “And that’s why we recruited Darkness, because at least then I’d have someone to help me pull them out.”

“Ah, so she shot down all the frogs before they could get close!” Iris said brightly. 

Kazuma’s lips thinned and his eyes slid to Darkness, who had begun fidgeting. 

“Ah…no, I, um, I did not,” Darkness admitted. “Um, you see…i-if I use a bow…it is over too quickly, and, um…n-noone else gets experience…”

“And she doesn’t get beaten up,” Kazuma said in his most acidic tones, which made Darkness flinch. 

Iris cocked her head in confusion, but Claire put her hand over her eyes and groaned, while Rain sighed and shook her head. 

“W-well, I, um…I-I will be, ah…reevaluating my, um, my performance in the party…” Darkness said, still fidgeting. 

“Surely you’re done with all that. It’s been a year, Tina. You’ve had your fun, and it’s high time you got back to your duties, especially with your father so ill,” Claire said. 

Wait, what!? “You’re leaving?!” Kazuma demanded, whirling on Darkness. 

“It…it was inevitable that one day, I would have to return to my duties as ducal heir,” Darkness said quietly, not meeting Kazuma’s eyes. “H-however…that does not mean our party must split…”

“True, Kazuma is skillful enough, I suppose he’d make a good retainer,” Claire said with a nod.

“Yes! Surely you must keep Master Sato around, his stories are most enjoyable!” Iris said eagerly. “And I do wish to meet your other party members, the two Crimson Demons Megumin and Yunyun, and this Archpriest. Such a high level party must surely be useful in keeping the Dustiness lands free of monsters.”

“Yeah I think my party is often best enjoyed from a distance. Preferably out of earshot. You saw Aqua juggling on that damn unicycle earlier,” Kazuma sighed. 

“That was amusing,” Iris giggled. “Does she know many party tricks?”

“All of them, unfortunately,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head. 

Setting her cleaned plate aside, Darkness said. “We should be getting back, the joust will start within the hour.”

“Yeah, sounds good, I’ll get the bill,” Kazuma said, half rising. He paused when Rain, Claire, and even Iris shot him and Darkness scandalized looks. 

“Um, Kazuma…as you are a commoner…it would not be proper for you to pay for the meal of royalty,” Darkness said, putting a hand on his arm. “I will pay for the meal, as I am the hostess.”

“Well, I suppose that’s at least a form of gender equality,” Kazuma said with a shrug, even if he did feel slightly disappointed he couldn’t play the big man and pay for everyone’s food. 

Despite Luna’s best attempts, the entire staff all turned out to bow to Iris and her party when she left, as well as Phil and the cooks in the back. Kazuma was fairly certain he was going to come back to a “Princess Iris Ate Here” sign. Luna would find every opportunity to turn something into a way to improve her bottom line. 

The joust was interesting enough, though all the competitors were out of towners. Just to compete required a full set of plate and a warhorse, which meant that Kazuma was pretty sure that Darkness was about the only person in Axel who could have afforded it. Since she was apparently only accurate at 50 or more meters, she wouldn’t have made it past the first round. Unless…

“I don’t suppose you’re actually a champion jouster too?” Kazuma asked her after watching two knights knock each other flat on their asses. 

“Tina? Are you kidding?” Claire laughed. “I’m no hand with a lance myself, but every time we went at it in the lists she never even scratched my shield!”

“I, um, I am somewhat lacking in mounted combat. To, er, a similar degree as melee,” Darkness admitted. 

“But she gives the best piggy back rides,” Iris said in a stage whisper, which had Kazuma burst out laughing. 

“I take it you’ve spent a lot of time with ‘Cousin Tina,’ then?” Kazuma asked, grinning at Darkness. Though oddly enough, she didn’t seem embarrassed by this fact. 

“Iris’ mother was slain by the forces of the Devil King when she was but an infant,” Darkness said. “She was my mother’s sister, and had helped raise me, as my own mother died of illness not long after I was born. I was twelve, so I stayed at the palace frequently to help care for Iris.”

“I call her Cousin Tina, but really, she’s more like my big sister,” Iris said, giving Darkness a quick hug. “Claire, too! Though she didn’t come along until I was a bit older.” 

Kazuma’s eyebrows shot up. “Onee-chan Darkness?” That was…well, that was kinda cute. 

“And what does that make Rain, then?” Darkness said, tweeking Iris’ nose affectionately. 

Iris blushed and looked down. “Um…Miss Rain…w-well, um, w-when I was younger…I-I would pretend that father would marry her…s-so she could be my real mother…”

“I’m afraid I’m much too low-born for that, and a bit young for your father,” Rain said with a gentle smile, smoothing away the hair from Iris’ forehead and tucking it under her hat. 

“You seemed terribly old to me,” Iris said with a shrug. “And you’re still from a noble family.”

“I’m a baronet's daughter,” Rain explained to Kazuma. “A poor baronette.”

“Yeah, actually, I have no idea what any of that means,” Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Darkness did say if she won our bet I’d have to take etiquette lessons, so maybe I’ll be able to tell a viscount from a baron.”

“Oh? What was your bet?” Iris asked curiously. 

“I bet I could beat her at archery,” Kazuma admitted. “In my defense, I’d never even seen her hit the broad side of a barn with her sword.”

“I never could figure out why you’d want to use your sword,” Claire said with a shake of her head. “Your bloodline abilities improve your defenses and archery skills, not your swordsmanship.”

“That’s…huh,” Kazuma blinked. “That’s not real complimentary, is it?” 

“No,” Darkness said, sounding utterly miserable. “I am torn between being a front-line shield, as my House is called, and being a back-line damage dealer. It has…it has been hard to find my place.”

Kazuma suddenly stood. That ball of rage was back in his stomach, and he felt like he was going to be sick. “I gotta piss.”

He stomped off, fighting back tears. He just made out of the box and down the stairs towards the privies when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He whirled, knowing who would be there. “Just leave me alone!” 

“Kazuma, what is wrong? You seemed distraught,” Darkness said, sounding worried. 

Kazuma could barely see through the haze of tears, so he turned back around and tried to stomp away, but he mostly just staggered. “Distraught!? Yeah, I’m pretty fucking distraught! Just…just go away!”

“No, Kazuma,” Darkness said, catching up to Kazuma and guiding him around the side of the building towards the privies. “What is wrong? What is it, something I said?”

“Hard to find your place?!” Kazuma demanded, sticking a finger under her nose. She shied back a little, but didn’t flee. “You’ve got people who give a shit about you! Iris calls you onee-chan! Claire thinks you're her best bud or something! Even Rain seems to like you! And what do I have?!”

“Kazuma, I…I do not understand,” Darkness said, gently taking his hand and folding it between hers. She looked around, biting her lip, then pulled him towards the stables, then into a very fancy white carriage before guiding him inside and shutting the door. 

“This is not the time for a make out session!” Kazuma hissed at her. 

“That is not what I intended. This is the royal carriage; we shall be private in here, and what you were saying did not seem to be the sort of thing one wants aired in public,” Darkness said gently. “Kazuma. Something is bothering you. I can tell.”

“Gee, was it the water works, the angry swearing, or me telling you to fuck off? Which I will note, you didn’t do!” 

“No, I did not think it prudent. Iris was quite concerned when she saw you stomp off,” Darkness said.

“Like she cares about me. I’m just some funny peasant to her,” Kazuma said bitterly, looking around the carriage. Everything was gilded or covered in velvet, and the materials were expensive hardwoods. This thing was as nice as a limo. It was even fairly cool inside, like it was air conditioned or something. 

“I think you misrepresent Iris. She is sheltered and naive, yes, perhaps even moreso than I ever was, but she is also kindhearted. She does not look down at you, Kazuma. Have you noted how she fixates on your every word? She’s desperately starved for companionship, and especially a male figure to look up to. Her father and brother have been largely absent from her life, and she has been left to act as regent from the time she could talk. She spends all day cooped up in the castle, save for rare trips that are all state functions. This one included: Alderp is important enough that his invitation couldn’t simply be ignored, even if he is merely a baron and newly entitled. So to her, you are, as you would say, the coolest person in the world.”

“You…you really think so?” Kazuma asked in a small voice. It was almost painful how much he wanted to hear that. 

“Yes, she has inquired about you often in our letters when I relay your escapades. She might even have something of a crush on you,” Darkness said, smiling slightly and shaking her head. 

“I’m sure you told her I was an idiot you had to keep saving,” Kazuma said bitterly, crossing his arms and looking away. 

“No, Kazuma. I told her that I was an idiot that you had to keep saving.”

Turning, Kazuma found Darkness looking at him intently, and blushed. “I don’t remember saving your ass from anything.”

“You don’t recall the hopeless Crusader that every party had rejected, and yet, you embraced? Or do you remember the young lady who determidly got herself possessed by a general of the Devil King?” 

“Well, I mean, I didn’t really do much with Vanir. You confined him, Aqua purified you, and Megumin blew you up,” Kazuma said, shifting uncomfortably. 

“And,” Darkness’ voice hitched, and Kazuma looked up in surprise. “And when that foolish girl’s stubborn pride got you killed…you…you did not kick her out. You…you called her your friend…and…and even when…even when she was a shameless whore…you never treated her with disgust.”

There it was. Kazuma’s fist tightened, and he closed his eyes. “How…how could you have let me die…when you could have saved me?!” 

“I didn’t have time to get my bow! You should have known I would have been FINE!” Darkness cried, tears leaking down her cheeks. “The shogun couldn’t have killed me, I was nearly certain! He, he would just beat me up a little, I would enjoy it, but, but you stuck your head up! And it was YOU that he struck! I thought you would hate me! I certainly hated myself! So why, Kazuma?! Why didn’t you hate me as much as everyone else always has!?”

“Because I wish I could be half as willing to let my freak flag fly and not give a shit about what anyone thinks as you!” Kazuma snapped. “Also, because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and you actually give me the time of day!” 

“I…wait. You think I’m more beautiful than Aqua!? Kazuma, have you SEEN that woman? I’ve always thought my breasts were too large, I was far too tall, and not to mention I have a less than womanly physique! Aqua is well endowed but not overly so, neither too tall nor too short, has flawless skin, and while she is toned, she is not an overly muscled gorilla like I am!” 

“Darkness, Aqua isn’t even human. Also, she’s dumber than a bag of bricks. Do you know how many times I’ve had to keep her from spending her paycheck on some dumb con, or caught her blowing savings on booze!?”

“I grant you she is less than intellectually brilliant, but some men prefer dumb women. And wait, not human, do you mean…?”

Kazuma fidgeted for a moment, then said in a small voice, “Would you believe me if I said my parents never loved me?”

“I…” Darkness swallowed, then scooted close enough to take Kazuma’s hand. “I will reserve judgment. Why don’t you tell me? You know my secrets, now. I…I would like to know some of yours, Kazuma.”

So, it all came spilling out in a jumbled mess. Dropping out of high school. Hiding in his room for two years. Going out to buy a game with money he got from online gambling. Dying of a heart attack from a stupid tractor. His parents, laughing at his dead corpse. Aqua, offering him a second chance at life. Kazuma, choosing her as his cheat item in a fit of spite. And, somehow, despite it all…finding three best friends. 

“So, uh, Aqua’s a goddess, and I’m a NEET who’s died twice,” Kazuma finished, feeling rather lame. “Guess I can see why you’d prefer Baron Bishi over me.”

“Who is…never mind,” Darkness said, shaking her head and looking a bit poleaxed.  “I had thought there was something odd about Aqua, but…to think I have been adventuring with a literal goddess…”

“Yeah, well, now at least you know why you’re hotter than Aqua,” Kazuma said, then poked Darkness in the abdomen, making her squeak. “Plus, you know some guys find muscles hot, right? Have you never heard of Muscle Mommies?” 

“N-no, I, um, I had not. I-I thought men preferred slim, demure girls,” Darkness said. 

“You do realize that not all men are the same, right? Like, you have to have figured out that not all women share your horrible taste in men, right? What did you say, once? You wanted someone with a beer gut and the face of a thug, or something equally stupid?” Kazuma demanded. 

“P-perhaps. Or, um, perhaps a cunning man, with exotic eyes, a-and a perverse nature.” 

“What, like Dust? You do have horrible taste in men,” Kazuma said.

Darkness rolled her eyes. “Kazuma, I think it’s time you listened to a story of mine for a moment.”

“Alright, fine. Talk away.”

Darkness sighed. “Despite my looks, I was late in getting my womanly courses.”

“You mean your period, right?”

“Kazuma…”

“Fine, fine, lips are sealed.”

“Thank you. Well, Claire and several other noble girls I was familiar with received their courses at the normal time, around the age of twelve or thirteen. But not me. I was coltish, slender, and incredibly clumsy. If you think I am bad now, you should have seen me at fourteen. Well, I did not receive my courses at twelve, thirteen, or even fourteen. I was nearly sixteen before I had my first moon's blood, and I was frightened half to death. My father, bless the man, had never been able to talk to me about it, probably because of his own shame, but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, I knew something of what to expect, Claire and a few others had at least told me what would happen, but I was frightened I would turn into an ugly, loveless thing.”

“But, well, my courses came, and my body began to change. Greatly. I was still tall, but I got my curves. More than generously, as you can see. And, well…I began to feel…urges. Strong ones. And I did not know what to do with them. But I knew they were…shameful.”

Kazuma had a few choice remarks to say, but that Luck buff must have still been working, because he kept his mouth shut for once in his life. 

“I began to work out. I had always exercised and practiced with the bow and sword, as was expected of me. But I needed MORE. I pushed myself to my limits. I began to sneak out and look for monsters to fight. My family’s primary estate is in the North, so the monsters are much stronger. I encountered a group of Redcaps. I managed to slay several before they were upon me, and they attempted to beat me badly, but of course, they could not. I crushed two with my bare hands, but…but…it was WONDERFUL.”

Shuddering, Darkness hugged herself. “I felt so…alive! The pain, it was so exquisite! I knew I was dirty, knew I was naughty, and they were punishing me! I…I imagined them doing…things…to me. Then I was ashamed. I killed the rest by bashing their heads in with rocks, and went home, hiding my torn and stained clothes. But…but I knew…I needed that. Needed it badly.”

“Others began to notice. Servants talk. They saw my shame, saw that I was becoming a hulking mass of muscles, saw that I sought out beatings. I disgusted Claire when she made me…moan…during a bout. I didn’t see her for nearly three years after that…her excuse was that she left to take care of Iris, but…but I knew. She was disgusted by me.”

Darkness huddled down, hugging herself, tears in her eyes. “I knew I was filthy and worthless. I knew I was bringing shame to my house. For a while, I tried to hide. But after a few years…I couldn’t keep it in. So…so I told my father I was going Adventuring. It’s a tradition for the nobility to have a few years to Adventure. I was a bit old for it, twenty at the time, but still. I came to Axel, met Chris, for a while that was enough. She…she accepted me. As perverse as I was. No one else would. They knew what a freak I was, how ugly I was, and wanted nothing to do with me.”

“But then…then I met you. You were a strange man. An outlander. You were known to be a worthless sort, the kind who drank away his wages and lost to the most pathetic of foes, giant toads. But…but I thought…maybe you…you would abuse me the way you did others. And you did! Only…only you also accepted me.”

“I didn’t know what to make of you at first,” Kazuma admitted. “I mean, here’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, clearly a high-class girl…and she wants to be in my party!? I mean, yeah, I had you pegged as a degenerate, and you were completely worthless skills wise, but…but shit. Megumin’s just some crazy kid, Aqua’s a drunk goddess, I’m a worthless NEET. You…you just…fit in.”

“But that’s the rub, Kazuma. I…I did fit in. I felt like I did. And…and I had never felt like I fit in anywhere else. You saw who I was…and you didn’t judge me. You just…accepted me,” Darkness said, her voice raw, tears in her eyes. “And I thought I’d ruined everything, again, when you found out I could actually be useful in the party…”

“Meh. Ditch the bow. I like you better as a meat shield,” Kazuma said.

“That…” Darkness swallowed, laughed, and wiped away some tears. “That might be the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Yeah, well, you still owe me for my dying that one time. You’re lucky I got better.”

“I…I am. How…how can I ever repay you?” Darkness said.

Kazuma reached out and squeezed her boob, making her moan. “I can think of a few ways.”

He pulled himself closer, and Darkness melted into him, wrapping her arms about him as he pressed his mouth to hers. They locked lips and-

“There you are, Cousin Tina! I- OH!” 

Darkness and Kazuma sprang apart like they’d been shocked as the door swung open and a wide eyed Iris looked up at them. Claire and Rain were right behind her, equally bug eyed. 

“Oh for Eris’- Fine, Highness, we will simply ride horses to the manor,” Claire said in exasperation, and slammed the door shut. 

But not before Kazuma saw a wide grin appear on Iris’s face. The shut door didn’t silence the squeal from her either. 

Kazuma and Darkness sat in silence for a moment, until Darkness said meekly, “Um, we should go after them…”

“Yeah, in a minute,” Kazuma told her. “I wasn’t done with your apology yet.”

By the time they caught up to Iris and Claire, Kazuma and Darkness were both out of breath, and Darkness had to hide an interesting welt on her neck. But at least that ball of rage in Kazuma’s belly was gone. Mostly. He still had a certain fat asshole he had a score to settle with.