The Second Archon War: Animula Choragi 4

Animula Choragi 4: Dea Inutilis Aqua

It was quiet in the early Paris morning as Yennifer jogged through the park. There were still plenty of cars and people about, a city the size of Paris never truly slept, but just after dawn on a Sunday was about the closest the city ever came to true quiet. It was a good time for her to head to the park and go for a nice long run to clear her head, trying to chase away the stress of the week and the horrors of the past. 

It had been about a month since she’d returned to Paris, barely managing to keep her little sister out of jail. The French authorities had been locking up Cryo Vision Holders left and right, and Yennifer was still fighting to get many of them out of prison. Thankfully, she’d been able to use her connections to keep Charlotte out of jail, combined with her sister’s status as a minor. It had been rather unexpected that her sister had been granted a Cryo Vision, but then again even at the age of 14 Charlotte was already extremely passionate and narrow-minded in her pursuit of “the Truth” as she saw it. 

 She was just finishing a lap around a small lake when she saw several people hurrying away, faces white, looks of fear plastered on. 

“Mom, mom, look! She just appeared! Is she a hero?! She’s dressed like Lightning Princess Ami!!”

Yennifer paused, but her heart sped up as she looked around. A woman with blue hair and odd clothes was sitting alone on a bench, looking around herself with a confused expression. 

Ah hell. Are they a cape? Who are they?  Why didn’t I bring my sword…

Swallowing, Yennifer jogged forward, approaching the woman as she got up and went over to the water’s edge to peer at her own reflection. 

“Hello, good morning. Are you quite well?” Yennifer said.

“Huh?” the woman turned around, head cocked to one side. “Who’re you?”

“Yennifer Lustria, part-time cape, part-time attorney,” Yennifer said automatically. 

“A cape? Are you, like, an adventurer or something?” the woman said, frowning. “You’re dressed in a tracksuit, just like that stupid NEET.” 

“Uh, yes, I was out for a morning jog,” Yennifer said. “The people said you just appeared here, are you lost?”

“Nope! I know exactly where I am!” the woman said proudly, standing up and pointing. “That’s the Eiffel Tower! So I’m in France!” 

Yennifer glanced in that direction, where you really could barely make out the Eiffel Tower. “Yes, it is.”

“Great! Then I’m finally free!” the woman cackled. “Now I’ll just go home and finally be pampered the way I want!” 

Yennifer frowned, this was either a crazy person, or something was off. The woman turned around, and a staff with a flower tip appeared in her hands. She raised it on high and declared, “Open, Pathways of Heaven!” 

Nothing happened. Yennifer looked about, but everyone else was long gone, leaving her alone with this apparent lunatic. Though one that obviously had powers. “Er, I’m not sure who you are, but-”

“Pff, of course you don’t! This is France, it’s Venus’ territory or something. Now open up, you stupid pathway!” the woman railed, waving her staff about furiously. 

“Uh, Miss, please, who are you, exactly?” 

The woman paused in her futile efforts. She turned about, giving Yennifer a pitying look. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m the Goddess of Water.” 

Oh shit. It was about that time, it had been more than a year since the Tsaritsa had appeared, and the Archons had been arriving every other year or so. “Um, Miss…do you mind me asking who you are, exactly?”

“Fufufufu!” the woman tittered, giving possibly the most annoying laugh Yennifer had ever heard. She slowly floated up in the air, and a divine light shone down from heaven, illuminating her as a pool of water formed under her and white doves exploded out of nothing to flap around her. 

Behold, I am the Goddess of Water, Aqua. I have descended from Heaven to grant you favor, Miss Antlers. 

“You…you’re the Hydro Archon?!” Yennifer gasped. 

Aqua’s eyes shot open and she fell back to the ground, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at Yennifer. “Archon?! You mean those peons who run about on Teyvat with the mortals!? Ugh, no! Can’t you tell? I’m a SENIOR Goddess, not some low-level Archon! Please, even my Junior, Eris, outranks one of THEM. They don’t even get vacation days!”

“Oh, uh, very sorry, Goddess,” Yennifer said, sweating bullets now. “Um, perhaps you’d be willing to come with me while I, er, make a few calls so people can…recognize your glory?”

“Hmmm…” Aqua folded her arms and tapped her foot, her brow furrowed as Yennifer’s heart thundered. Then she suddenly brightened. “Hey, Paris has like, really good bubbly, right?” 

“Er, yes, the finest wines are available in Paris,” Yennifer agreed, trying to keep herself calm. Focus. She’d met gods before. This wasn’t that scary. Yet. 

“Super! You can buy me some! I’ve always wanted to visit Paris, and Celestia won’t really miss me if I take a few vacation days. They probably haven’t even noticed I’m gone! Come on, let’s go have some fun!” Aqua declared, then skipped off, humming to herself. 

Hurriedly, Yennifer took Aqua to the nearest cafe, where people eyed the odd looking woman sideways. She definitely stood out with her ultra short skirt and bright blue hair, but as Yennifer’s horns marked her as a cape, most people just accepted it. 

“Hmm, I want something savory to go with my bubbly! You have French Fries in France, right?” Aqua asked. 


The waiter and Yennifer gave Aqua pained smiled. She didn’t sound like a tourist, she sounded Parisen, but calling frites French Fries was a dead giveaway. “...we do have pommes frites, Mademoiselle,” the waiter said. 


“Great, I’ll take that, and tuna-mayo-rice, along with your finest bubbly!” 

“Tuna…mayo…that is not-” the waiter began, but Yennifer frantically motioned to him and the man bent down.

“Listen, she might not look it, but that’s an S Class Threat at least sitting right there. For Heaven’s sake, don’t piss her off, or she could level the entire city! Just make her damn fried potatoes and whatever unholy abomination tuna-mayo-rice is,” Yennifer hissed.


The waiter’s color paled, but he stood up stiffly. “I am sorry, but my honor as a Frenchman forbids me from making such unholy cuisine. Mademoiselle, you may choose another item from the menu. We do not carry that tuna-whatever!” 

“Aww…wait, you have crepes! Perfect, I’ll take those!” Aqua declared.

Yennifer breathed a sigh of relief, then frantically began texting on her phone. The waiter poured Aqua a glass of wine, but she insisted on taking the entire bottle and chugging it like it was cheap swill instead of 100 francs a bottle. This was going to be ruinous for Yennifer’s budget. She’d damn well better get a medal for this. 



Venti had just about completely reformed, when he got a text from Yennifer. Even as a wind sprite, Venti made sure to keep a stable internet connection so he could shit post on PHQ and troll idiots who simped for fascists. The mods had given up banning the_green_twink when Venti had privately proven he was a cape, and it was fairly well known by now who he was. 

So when Yennifer’s message popped up, Venti opened it in between composing a ditty about how Alexandria’s policies were as tyrannical as her poor taste in shoes. 

Hydro Archon has arrived! Lord Barbados, please help! 

Venti closed out the other tab and redirected his attention. 

Oh, what makes you think the Hydro Archon is here, AntleredJustice? 

The response was a picture, which showed a blue-haired woman drinking wine from a bottle in a Parisian cafe, a plate of half eaten french fries in front of her along with a plate of crapes. 

Venti immediately logged off and threw his phone into the nearest crevasse. He needed a nap, and a vacation. A very, very long vacation. As far away from France as he could get. He had heard that there were rabbits on the moon now. Maybe Tsu wouldn’t mind if he crashed at her place for a few centuries. 

Why couldn’t it have been Focalors? At least she was sane.



Yennifer waited nervously for a text from Lord Barbados as she watched Aqua chug yet another bottle of extremely expensive wine. The supposed goddess had demolished an entire platter of fried potatoes along with a dozen crepes, and was looking around for more.

“So, uh, Aqua, if you’re not the Hydro Archon…what exactly are you the god of, anyway?” Yennifer asked for lack of a better line of questioning. 

“Hmph! Well, obviously, I’m a super amazing goddess!” the woman declared, flipping her blue pony tail and grinning broadly. “I’m the Goddess of Water! Mostly though, I find dead kids and send them off to other worlds to try and save them from a Devil King. I’m really good at it too! I got ‘Top Performing Employee’ of Celestia for three decades running, until that stupid Vanessa took my slot one year. I would have beaten her too, if I hadn’t slept in on that last day!” 

That job description sounded extremely suspect, but Yennifer wasn’t going to ask too many questions. “So, um, I bet you have a lot of questions about Earth…”

“Nah, I totally know about Earth! We get TV and stuff,” Aqua said dismissively. 

“Oh,” Yennifer said, deflating slightly.

“Yep! My favorite show is Haruhi Suzumiya, because she’s a super amazing goddess, just like me! Kyon even reminds me of Kazuma, because they’re both boring sticks in the mud who should really just do what I tell them!” 

That got Yennifer’s attention. “Oh? That sounds Japanese.”


“Yep! I was one of the Gods of Japan, specifically Young People! I’d find the NEETs, then Isekai them off to their own little adventure!” Aqua said, puffing out her chest. 

“Well, in that case, maybe you know the Raiden Shogun then,” Yennifer offered. 

“Huh? Oh, you mean Ei. Yeah, it was super sad what happened to her sister and stuff,” Aqua said with a nod. “Wanna see a magic trick?”


“Uh, sure,” Yennifer agreed absently and began furiously texting her contacts in Japan. 



Ei looked up as Mushu burst into her chambers. “They ID’d that constellation!” 

“Oh?” setting down her latest copy of Shonen Jump, Ei rose to her feet. “They have found the Hydro Archon, then?”


“Yeah, we got a text from one of the Knights of Favonius. They found her in Paris. Here’s a picture,” Mushu said, passing over a screen with an image on it. 

Ei’s eyes widened as she saw the picture of a blue-haired woman making a napkin disappear. She grabbed Mushu by the collar and demanded, “The Constellation, what was the name?!” 

“Uh, it’s Dea Inutilis. Which is kinda weird, because-” 

“Excuse me, there is urgent business that requires my attention elsewhere,” Ei said, sprinting away from Mushu as she hastily opened a portal to the moon. “Tell Ami she is in charge until I get back. And that we are banning all visitors from France, permanently.”

“Wait, what!? Where are you going!? We still got that damn war with the Tsaritsa and-”

Ei hastily stepped onto the lunar surface. Perhaps this would be far enough away. She would have to find a way to keep Aqua and her idiot followers as far away as possible.



After only five minutes, a massive crowd had gathered around Aqua as she continued to perform various sleight-of-hand tricks. Or at least, Yennifer thought they were sleight of hand tricks. Aqua had stuffed an entire baguette into a hat she had borrowed, and when it had been returned to the owner, no one had even found a crumb.

“Nature’s Beauty!” 

“Ooooooooo!”

The crowd cheered as Aqua performed yet another trick, this time with paper fans and making water spout out of them. It was interesting, but had these people seriously never seen a street magician before?

Her phone rang, and Yennifer hastily put it to her ear. “Sara!? What can you tell me!? Does the Shogun know her?!”

“Um, hello, Yennifer. Er, as soon as we showed the Shogun the picture you sent us…she ran away to the moon,” Sara Tengan admitted. 


“Wait, WHAT?!”

“Uh, also…we’re putting a complete communications and travel embargo on anyone from France, or who has recently visited France…so this will be the last time we talk for a while.”

“But WHY!?” Yennifer wailed. “She’s not THAT bad!”

“...Shogun’s orders. Something about an Axis Cult? Um, bye.”

There was a click, and Yennifer stared at her phone in disgust. She picked it back up and immediately dialed another number that she had just for emergencies. After a few rings, it picked up.

“Thank goodness! Please, I just need someone to-”

“The number you have reached is no longer in service,” Nahida’s voice said. “Please hang up and try again, or press one for more options.”

“Lord Buer, I can HEAR you! I know this isn’t a machine!” Yennifer said, nearly in tears. “Please, she’s already drank nearly ₣500 worth of booze in less than an hour!” 


“Click brrrrrrrrrrr,” Nahida said. 

“This is childish! Why are you doing this!?” Yennifer demanded.


Nahida was silent for a moment, then said, “If you’d ever had to deal with Aqua, you’d know this is the wisest course of action. Sorry. Don’t call me again.”

Then she too hung up on Yennifer. 

Just then, there was the sound of squealing tires and a loud crash. Yennifer spun about to see a car that had just swerved and hit a street lamp. Unfortunately, it had also pasted a pair of young girls, their broken bodies on the pavement. 

“Oh no!” Aqua gasped, dropping her fans and running forward, even as the bleeding motorist stumbled out of his car. She knelt beside the two girls, both of whom were clearly dead on impact. 

“Isn’t there anything that can be done!?” someone called.

“Of course! With a super amazing goddess like me, this can be fixed in a jiffy!” Aqua declared. 


Several people glared angrily at her, right up until Aqua raised one hand on high and cried, “Resurrection!” 

A bright flash of light enveloped both young women, and a moment later, they sat up. 

“Wait, where am I!? I was just talking to Saint Peter! Only, he was a buxom silver-haired woman,” one of the girls said. 


The other hugged herself and shivered. “Guess I never should have stolen that lollipop. Someone called Maxwell the Adjuster was telling me about how he was going to torture me for all eternity!” 

“Fear not, my children,” Aqua said, patting both girls on the head. “I, Aqua, Goddess of Water, have restored you to life!”

“How can we ever repay you!?” the girls cried, taking Aqua’s hands. 

“Why, by joining the Axis Cult! We’re always recruiting! We’re the most fun a religion can be!” Aqua declared, giving both girls a parchment form. Then she skipped over to the injured driver and with a single, “Sacred Heal!” fixed all their injuries. 

“Now, don’t go texting and driving again! Killing yourself or others is a sin, mostly because it creates more work for us up in heaven,” Aqua told the still dazed man. 

Just then, the author got bored and decided to end the chapter, so a golden man descended from heaven, his long white hair flowing behind him. He glowered at Aqua, then declared, “Do not interfere in the Cycle.”

Aqua sniffed their air, and her eyes grew narrow. “Wait a minute. It suddenly smells like demon in here…”

“I am Zion, Lord of the Cycle. You will serve me as well,” the Entity demanded. “Generate Conflict, and I will allow you to share in my data.”

“Yennifer?” Aqua said, and handed over a bottle of wine. “Hold my bubbly.”

“Uh, ok? But, um, we really shouldn’t antagonize Scion…” Yennifer said, wincing.

“Don’t worry, I got this,” Aqua growled. She rolled up her sleeve, and her fist began to glow.

“What is this folly? Do you seek to challenge the Warrior? Must I put you in your place, as I did the icy administrator?” Scion, or Zion, or whatever he was calling himself, demanded. 

“I know just what to do with Devil Kings like you!” Aqua growled, raising her fist. “Now, witness the fury of a goddess scorned! GOD BLOW!” 

Scion sneered, right up until Aqua’s fist connected with him. She hit him so hard, his golden sandals fell off, and he was hurtled over the horizon with a broken jaw. All that was left were the shoes, as well as half a dozen teeth.

“Huh, he must be really strong,” Aqua mused as Yennifer and the crowd looked on, completely thunderstruck. Shading her eyes, Aqua followed the rapidly fading projectile she had launched. “I think he actually survived that.”

“Wait, WHAT?!” Yennifer demanded. 

“There she is, the one who skipped out on her bill!” the waiter from earlier said, pointing. “ARREST HER!” 

“Wait, no, don’t!” Yennifer cried, as two policemen hurried forward. Visions of horror filled her mind. Would Aqua destroy an entire city if they tried to arrest her?!

“AAHHH! YENIFER, HEEEEEELP!” Aqua wailed as the police grabbed her. She was roughly shoved into handcuffs, blubbering and weeping like a drunken idiot. 

“That one too, she did not pay her bill either!” The waiter said.

“Wait, I’m a lawyer!” Yennifer protested as she too was cuffed. 

“Do you have the money to pay your bill? It was over ₣1000,” the policeman growled. 

“Um, no, but I-”


“Then it’s jail for you,” she was informed. 

A moment later, the woman who had just punched out Scion was stuffed into the back of a paddy wagon with Yennifer. They were thrown in the drunk tank for three hours, until Yennifer was able to cover bail by having Charlotte bring over her checkbook. 

Aqua passed out drunk and slept through the whole thing.

Author’s Note:

I decided Furina would be boring and predictable. Instead, we’re getting a NEW hydro archon!