The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 1

The Broad Side of a Barn

Sighing, Kazuma slumped into the guild hall, scrubbing his face with his hand. It wasn’t even noon yet, so the tables were mostly empty of adventurers. He waved absently when Dust called out to him, then glanced around. To his surprise, none of his party members were here. Hadn’t the girls been bugging him to get up and take a quest? Well whatever, at least he was up before them for once. 

“Hey, Kazuma, have you heard?” Dust said, coming over and draping an arm over Kazuma and causing him to have to breathe through his mouth   to keep from gagging. Dust smelled like stale ale and piss; he’d probably passed out drunk in the alleyway again. 

“Uh, no,” Kazuma said, slipping out from under Dust’s arm. “What’s up?” 

“There’s gonna be a tournament! Baron Alderp’s holding one!” Dust said, pointing to a flier on the quest board. 

“That fat greasy bastard? What’s he holding a tournament for?” Kazuma said, going over to peer at the flier. 

GRANDE TOURNEY

A GREAT TOURNAMENT TO BE HELD IN HONOR OF HIS EXCELLENCY BARON ALDERP

JOUSTING

ARCHERY 

MAGECRAFT

& A GRANDE MELEE

CASH PRIZES TO ALL THE WINNERS

Kazuma raised his eyebrows at it. Archery, eh? Well, he might just have to enter into that. He could make off like a thief if he used his Snipe skill. He didn’t think there was anyone else in town who even came close to him. 

“Ah, Kazuma, good. Have you already found a quest? I am eager to once more go into the field,” a familiar voice said, and Kazuma looked up to see Darkness striding through the Guild doorway in her armor, Aqua and Megumin trailing along behind her. 

“Yeah, surprised I beat you here. But no, it’s better than a quest. If I bag the big prize, we won’t have to quest for months,” Kazuma bragged, pointing out the flier to Darkness. 

She examined it, her eyes narrowing. “So that’s what he meant,” she muttered as she examined the paper. 

“I see, I see!” Megumin cackled upon spying the flier herself. She swirled her cloak dramatically, her eyes glowing red. “If it is magecraft they wish for, then I, Megumin, Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, shall oblige them! I shall unleash my dark powers, and all shall bow before my mystic might!” 

“I don’t think they want someone to level the tournament grounds,” Kazuma said dryly. 

“Hmph. Mock me if you wish, unbeliever, but soon, I shall claim the prize, and become the CHAMPION OF MAGIC!” Megumin declared. 

Kazuma rolled his eyes and turned back to Darkness, who was frowning and had her arms crossed. “And I suppose you’re going to enter into the melee so you can have everyone beat up on you? Or the Jousting so a bunch of big strong men can break their long hard poles on you?” 

That got her to blush bright red. “I-I would normally not be a-adverse to throwing myself into combat…but, ah, perhaps not. There is another, more pressing matter.”

“And that is?” Kazuma said, taken aback. Since when had Darkness passed up a chance to get beaten up?

For a moment, Darkness looked nervous, even a little vulnerable. Then she shook her head. “Nothing. We simply need to complete as many quests and attain as large a reward as possible.” 

“Yeah I don’t buy that,” Kazuma said, shaking his head. “You’re some filthy rich noble. This has never been about the money for you. Why should you care?” 

“...I have my own reasons, Kazuma,” Darkness said, looking away. “Is it not enough that we are simply still in debt?”

“Whatever,” Kazuma said, but something told him that this was more than just Darkness’ usual perversion. There was something serious going on. “Pick a quest that’s not too insane and we’ll do it. We do still have to pay off that stupid debt from blowing up Alderp’s mansion.”

Which, if Kazuma won the archery contest, would be a breeze. 

“Let us pick a quest with a lot of monsters that I can quickly clear with my Explosion magic!” Megumin said eagerly.

“Ugh, just pick something easy with a big reward, so we can finish early and I can get some bubbly!” Aqua argued.  

Kazuma expected Darkness to talk about wanting one with a large, dangerous monster that could bat her around. Instead, she scanned the list, then picked up a quest. “Let’s take this one. A farmer needs help harvesting his sugar snap peas. The reward is the most substantial, and he simply needs experienced Adventures to beat them into submission before gathering them.”

“What, are peas secretly super dangerous or something?” Kazuma demanded. 

“What!? No! They’re not hard at all, and we won’t get XP!” Megumin complained. “They just pay well because you have to be gentle or they go bitter. I couldn’t use my Explosion at all!”

“That sounds easy enough, let’s do that one!” Aqua agreed.

Kazuma looked at the paper, then at Darkness, who regarded him earnestly. “We could use the money, Kazuma. It pays 20,000 eris per person, which together is 80,000.”

“Well, fine, I guess,” Kazuma said, scratching his head while Megumin groaned and protested. “Oh come on! You can let one off when we’re done. We do need the money.”

Megumin continued to sulk throughout the day, and Kazuma found himself whining along with her and Aqua. Harvesting the peas was incredibly tedious, and you did have to be very gentle with them. Unlike most vegetables that you could just beat into submission before stuffing them into the bag, you had to coax the sugar snap peas into the bag by gently tickling them. 

“AAAAAH! KAZUMA, HEEEEEELLPPPP!” Aqua wailed, once having somehow managed to tick off a bunch of peas, which were snapping at her with their little vines and leaving red welts all over her body. 

“Oh for- not AGAIN! Create Water!” Kazuma cried, spraying down the peas, then shouted, “Freeze!”

The frozen peas fell to the ground, while an Aqua-cicle thudded down, her teeth chattering. “T-thanks, b-best b-buddy…”

“Just stop ticking off the peas. You’re lucky freezing them keeps them sweet,” Kazuma grumbled, scooping the peas up into a bag. 

“Hey, that works pretty good,” Megumin observed. “Why don’t you and Aqua try freezing the entire field? It would make harvesting the peas much easier.” 

“Huh. That might work,” Kazuma said, looking around the field. He shrugged, then picked Aqua up, making her sneeze. “Alright, make with the water, and I’ll freeze the peas.”

Their plan ended up working out so well that the farmer offered them two sacks of frozen sweet peas to take home as a bonus, on top of their rather generous pay. 

“May I have one of the sacks?” Darkness said, looking nervous as Kazuma took them. 

“Sure, I guess,” Kazuma said, passing her a bag. 

“This is great, we can use the peas for all sorts of recipes!” Megumin said eagerly, then tugged on Kazuma’s sleeve. “Aren’t you forgetting something? It’s time for my metabolically necessary Explosion.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. Aqua, you take Megumin off for her daily kaboom,” Kazuma said, watching as Darkness took one of the bags of peas and slunk off. She was doing a really bad job of being stealthy, as she being so obvious that she was trying to be surreptitious that it stood out to a painful degree. 

Megumin let out a squawk of indignation, but Aqua nodded. “Sure! It’ll be fun! Come on, Megumin. We can stop by the Guild on the way home and get me an extra expensive bottle of bubbly!” 

Hurrying after Darkness, Kazuma employed his own much more proficient stealth skills to follow the Crusader. It was growing dark, and she had on her black bodysuit, so she would have been difficult to track, if she didn’t keep stumbling over herself since she was actually tiptoeing down the path. Seriously, she should leave the stealth to Kazuma. This was like watching an elephant try to sneak its way into a store. No matter how stealthy it was, it was still a goddamn elephant. 

Darkness snuck all the way across Axel to the other side of town, skirting along the city walls with her bag of peas. Kazuma easily kept pace, though for the life of him he couldn’t figure out where she was going. There wasn’t anything out here but the erisite monastery, but not the one where they did all the combat training. This was where they had a hospital and an orphanage, and it wasn’t like Darkness was sick. Did she have a secret love child she had to hide? No, that was stupid. She was so painfully a virgin that even Kazuma felt bad for her. 

When Darkness arrived at the monastery, she gave up her fruitless efforts at stealth after one last glance around, which Kazuma managed to avoid by ducking behind a tree. Then she headed to the rear of the monastery, knocking on the door. 

It was opened by a wrinkled old prune of a nun, who gasped when she saw Darkness outlined by the light spilling out of the doorway. “Lady Dustiness! What are you doing here, at this late hour?”

“I have brought something for the children’s dinner,” Darkness said, taking the large sack of peas off her shoulder. “Here. I know it’s not much, but…it’s what I can do right now.”

“MISS TINA!” a voice squealed from inside, and Darkness suddenly grinned as little feet pounded on the floor. Before long, she was surrounded by a dozen orphans, ranging in age from six or seven to little ankle biters. Kazuma figured there weren’t any older kids simply because past the age of eight or nine, kids could be apprenticed out and start earning their own keep. 

“Hello, everyone,” Darkness said, affectionately patting the head of a buck-toothed boy. “My, Josiah. I see your front teeth have finally come in.”

“Uh huh! What’d you bring us?” Josiah asked. 

“Lady Dustiness has brought us some wonderful peas!” the old nun gasped, and the children squealed in delight. Weird. Kids shouldn’t be so happy about getting peas. Kids were supposed to hate peas. “Lady Eris be praised, there will be dinner after all tonight!” 

“PEAS PEAS PEAS!” the children chanted, dancing around in excitement. 

Oh. Well, maybe peas for dinner beat the hell out of going hungry. What the heck? Why was Darkness bringing peas to an orphanage? Couldn’t she just make a donation or something?

“I really should be going, and I don’t want to interrupt your dinner,” Darkness said, taking out her day’s pay and passing it over to the nun. “Here. This should buy you meals for the next week or so. I’ll make arrangements after that.”

“Thank you, Lady Dustiness,” the old nun said, taking Darkness’ hand and squeezing. “Won’t you stay for dinner? The children have missed you so, and they would so love to hear more of your stories.”

“PLEASE STAY, MISS TINA!” the children all begged.

Darkness laughed, and nodded. “Very well. I suppose someone has to help Sister Martha cook you all supper. 

“YAAAAAY!” the children squealed, and the door was pulled shut, leaving Kazuma skulking behind a shrubbery in the yard, and muffling further conversation. 

“What the hell is going on?” Kazuma muttered, standing up and brushing off the leaves. This really didn’t make any sense. Since when had Darkness cared about orphans? Admittedly, Kazuma didn’t really know what Darkness got up to when she took her frequent trips away from the party. He’d assumed she was doing noble stuff, like going to parties or taking fancy vacations. Not cooking dinner for a bunch of snot-nosed brats. Something was up, especially her handing over her pay like that. Was this seriously why she was so desperate for cash?

Deciding he needed to get to the bottom of this, Kazuma crept forward and hid beneath a window on the orphanage, listening closely as Darkness and Sister Martha set about cooking the peas. 

“-didn’t know what we were going to do, so I was leading the children in prayer when you arrived,” Sister Martha was saying. 

“I’m sorry I was delayed, we spent all day harvesting the peas. I’m just glad I had something to bring you tonight, the markets are already closed,” Darkness replied. 

“You’re a blessing from Eris, Lady Dustiness. I don’t know what the children would do without you,” Sister Martha said as the pots and pans clanged and rattled as they started cooking. 

“I shouldn’t have to do anything,” Darkness said. She didn’t sound bitter so much as outraged. “This is Baron Alderp’s land. It’s his responsibility to care for these children.”

“Well, with his mansion destroyed, he cut off all our funding, not that there was much to begin with. And, well, with him saying that he’ll have to seize the orphanage and sell the land…we won’t have anywhere to house the children,” Sister Martha fretted. 

“I’ll handle it. There will be a home for these unfortunates. The Dustiness Family has not forgotten our obligations to the people, not even the least of them,” Darkness said. 

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t trouble yourself. These aren’t your lands, and your family is suffering enough, with your father ill and that unfortunate debt he accrued.”

Kazuma’s ears perked up. Darkness’ father was sick? The man was a goofball and a weirdo, but Kazuma didn’t wish old Ignis any misfortune, even if he’d raised a massive pervert for a daughter. And what was that about debt?

“Yes, well, I knew the risks, as did my father. But it wasn’t right what was going to happen to Kazuma. Besides, he’s my party leader. I had to do something,” Darkness said with a sigh. “If this doesn’t work…I’ll have to give in to his offer. He’s hinted all this will go away if I agree to marry him.”

Marry him? Who? Alderp!? That fat old bastard?! No way in hell that Kazuma would-

“Hey there, Kazuma! Whatcha doin’? Not robbing the orphanage, I hope. They wouldn’t have anything good anyway.”

Kazuma let out a yelp and jumped up so high he hit his head on the ledge of the window he’d been eavesdropping under. 

“WHO GOES THERE?!” Darkness thundered, and a moment later, her head stuck out of the window, glaring around. She started. “Oh! Chris, Kazuma? What are you doing here?”

Kazuma blinked away stars to see Chris the Thief grinning down at him, a sack over one shoulder and another at her feet. “I was just stopping by to drop off some of this cheese and bread that fell off the back of a wagon I happened to find. Kazuma agreed to help me, didn’t you, Kazuma?”

“Uh, sure?” Kazuma said, rubbing his head. He was going to have a lump there; he just knew it. 

“Chris…you didn’t steal to feed the orphans, did you?” Darkness sighed. 

“I told you, it fell off the back of a wagon! Don’t sweat it. Come on, Kazuma! Let’s make sure those kiddos have something to go with their pea soup,” Chris said with a wink.

Reluctantly, Kazuma took up the bulging sack that Chris handed him. It proved to be full of cheese wheels, and was a lot heavier than it looked, unlike the bag stuffed with bread that Chris shouldered. They made their way over to the front door, where over eager orphans greeted Chris with the same enthusiasm they’d shown Darkness. 

“MISS CHRIS!”

“DID YOU BRING US CANDY!?” 

“DID YOU ROB THAT NASTY BARON!?”

“Now, now, children,” Chris said, wagging a finger. “Stealing is wrong.”

The kids all nodded soberly until Chris winked at them and stuck out her tongue. “Unless it’s from no good rotten nobles! Then it’s fair game! BREAD FOR EVERYONE!”

“YAAAAAAAY!” the children screamed, especially when it turned out the “bread” was at least half cookies and pastries that seemed to have come from a very wealthy kitchen. 

“Poor Alderp will be missing his morning turnovers. What a shame,” Chris said as she handed a cherry pastry over to a little girl of no more than three, who immediately stuffed half of it into her mouth with a squeal of delight. 

“Chris, you’ll ruin their appetites for dinner!” Darkness said, hurrying over and giving Chris and Kazuma exasperated looks. 

“Eh, they haven’t eaten all day. I’m sure they’ll find room for soup,” Chris said with a shrug. She pulled out a greasy package of paper and held it up. “Alderp will be missing his morning bacon too! I’ll just pop over and toss this in the pot with Sister Martha!” 

The kids all ran off to follow Chris, leaving Kazuma alone with Darkness in the main room. The floor was worn but clean, and while there wasn’t much furniture, the room was spacious enough, with a large table set with chipped wooden plates and cups.

Kazuma rubbed the back of his head, uncertain how to explain his presence.

“Thank you,” Darkness said, taking Kazuma’s hands in hers and squeezing firmly. She had tears in her eyes, which baffled Kazuma. “I…I didn’t want my burden to become the party’s, but…thank you. It means a great deal to the children.”

“Uh, no problem,” Kazuma said, mostly because he really hadn’t done anything. He coughed, looking aside in embarrassment until Darkness dropped his hands. “So, uh, that money…you’re trying to save the orphanage or something?”

“Yes,” Darkness admitted. “Though not just that. My family is in a great deal of debt…though you shouldn’t worry about it.”

“Why?” Kazuma said, growing irritated. “Because it was my debt you took on?” 

Darkness bit her lip. “...not just that…”

“Oh? What else did you do?” Kazuma demanded. “Offer to rebuild the whole damn town or something?”

“...yes,” Darkness admitted, and Kazuma’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “It was the flood first, then the Destroyer. Alderp foisted the debt for all that on our family, as I was there as a representative. And, well, he threatened to have my party imprisoned or executed. And when his mansion was also almost destroyed…it looked bad. And with my father falling ill suddenly, we can’t collect from our estates since he can’t protect them. I would do so myself, but I’m trapped here, and I, well, I’m not as good a warrior as he is.”

“...oh,” Kazuma said, his heart sinking. “So what you’re saying is, you’re the one paying for all our fuck ups.”

“I was there too, Kazuma,” Darkness said with a sigh. 

“Uh huh. Sure. And so you decided you had to do all this on your own?” Kazuma demanded, folding his arms over his chest. 

Darkness bit her lip. She actually looked kinda cute, now that she was acting like a proper lady and not a depraved degenerate. Though admittedly, that side of her was a lot more fun than this dour mess. “It is my duty as a noble.”

Before Kazuma could argue further, the kids ran back in with Chris. “STORY TIME, STORY TIME!” they demanded loudly. 

“I, ah, I am afraid I have no new stories,” Darkness said as the children danced around her. “All we did today was harvest peas…”

“I bet Uncle Kazuma knows a story!” Chris said, pointing at Kazuma. 

The children all turned to Kazuma, their big eyes shining with hope. 

“...uh, who wants to hear the story of…um…the great Kirito of Aincrad?” 

“YAAAAAAAAY!” the children cried, and dragged Kazuma over to the table, where they all sat down, eagerly looking at him. Chris and Darkness shushed the children, while Sister Martha looked in from where she was stirring the soup. 

“Uh, well, you see…” Kazuma took a deep breath. “It all began a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. You see, there was once a magical city called…Sword Art Online…”

“...and then, Kirito lifted up his sword and cried, ‘NO, SACHI! IT’S A TRAP!’ But it was too late! Sachi opened the cursed chest!” 

“OOOOOOO!” the children all gasped, their eyes locked on Kazuma as he gestured widely. 

“A great bell began to sound, and MURDER GOLEMS began to appear from hidden trapped doors! The Black Swordsman and his party were surrounded and trapped, as the doors to the treasure room slammed shut! How could he possibly escape!?” Kazuma wailed. 

“Well, you’ll have to find out later, because the soup is ready!” Sister Martha called from the kitchen. “Everyone get washed up.”

“NOOOOOO! We want to know what happens to Kirito and the Black Cats!” Josiah wailed. 

“Later. You’ll just have to convince Uncle Kazuma to come back and tell you more stories later,” Chris said as she herded the children towards a wash basin. 

Dinner was a chaotic affair, and Kazuma found himself with a young boy named Marcus on his lap that he had to help feed, which mostly involved getting pea soup everywhere. He looked up in annoyance, only to find Darkness with two little girls perched on her knees as she fed them, each no more than two. Chris had a little baby in one arm that she was spooning soup into, somehow avoiding getting any at all on herself, while Sister Martha supervised the other children. 

Darkness looked up to meet Kazuma’s eyes, and the smile she gave him nearly made his heart skip a beat. He wasn’t used to women looking at him like that. She laughed and shook her head. “Kazuma, the point is to feed Marcus, not paint him green!” 

“...uh, yeah, um, I’ll get right on that,” Kazuma stammered, and hastily set about using a rag to clean the boy up.

Afterward, Kazuma somehow ended up in the kitchen with the older children supervising cleanup while Darkness and Chris helped Sister Martha get the children ready for bed. By the end of it, Kazuma was exhausted, soaked, and smelled rather strongly of pea soup. 

“Thank you so much for coming,” Sister Martha said, bowing to Kazuma and Darkness as they stood on the threshold. “The children so enjoyed your stories, Master Sato. Please, return with Lady Dustiness any time you like. They would so love to hear more of your stories.”

“Uh, no problem. You take care of those rugrats. We’ll make sure the orphanage doesn’t close,” Kazuma promised. “We’ll win that tournament and stick it to Alderp.”

“Thank you,” Martha said, tears in her eyes as she bowed again. “Lady Eris bless you both.”

“They’re all down for the count,” Chris said, yawning as she appeared in the doorway. “You can walk Darkness home, right Kazuma? Great, good night! I’m off to bed.”

Kazuma blinked, as the door was shut behind them, leaving him alone with Darkness in the, well, night. 

“I mean, we live in the same place,” Kazuma muttered. “And really, you’re the one walking me home. If something scary jumps us, you’re the one fighting it, not me.”

“That is not a very noble thing to say, you wretched man,” Darkness said, but her teeth flashed in the shadows, and Kazuma could hear the smile in her voice. 

They set off together, walking along the darkened path. Darkness stumbled several times, but didn’t complain. 

“Don’t you have a torch or something?” Kazuma asked as she picked herself up from tripping. 

“I neglected to bring one,” Darkness admitted. “It is fine, I do not mind a few scrapes and bruises.”

“Oh knock it off, come here,” Kazuma grabbed her hand. “Just walk with me, I can see just fine thanks to my Thief skills.”

“A-ah! K-Kazuma! Y-you should not simply seize a lady's hand at night!” Darkness protested. 

“So, do you want to keep tripping, or do you want to get home at a reasonable hour?” Kazuma demanded.

Darkness whimpered and shivered, but she gripped his hand so tightly that Kazuma let out a help. “Hey! Some of us are breakable!”

“O-oh, s-sorry. You must think me a clumsy gorilla,” Darkness muttered, though she didn’t let go of Kazuma’s hand. 

“You’re not hairy enough to be a gorilla,” Kazuma told her. “Maybe a baboon. No, a booboon. No monkey had such enormous tits as you.”

“K-kazuma! And when I was thinking you were actually a gentleman! You were actually respectable with the children!” Darkness protested. 

“Pff, don’t try that. You might have acted all warm and motherly with those kids, but I’ve seen you at your most degenerate. If those kids heard the noises you make when you throw yourself at a monster, they wouldn’t think you such a saint,” Kazuma snapped.

“Y-you truly are a most infuriating man. H-how can someone be such a proper and upstanding individual mere minutes ago, then turn into a foul-mouthed lech the moment darkness hides his actions!?”

“I dunno, how can a rich girl go from wanting to save the orphanage to walking alone at night with a known panty thief?” 

Darkness walked alongside Kazuma quietly for a moment, though he could see her blushing. Then the heavy breathing started. 

“You…you have never stolen…m-my panties…”

“Huh. You’re right,” Kazuma mused. “And here we are in the dark, with you barely able to see. And you do owe me for that bag of peas. And both our paychecks. Damn kids stole mine.”

“What?! They did?! Kazuma, if they have truly relieved you of your purse-”

“Relax. I hid it in Sister Martha’s room when she wasn’t looking. She clearly needs it more than I do,” Kazuma muttered, now grateful the night hid his own flush of embarrassment. 

They walked along in silence for a moment, then Darkness suddenly stopped, nearly yanking Kazuma’s arm out of his socket. 

“W-well?”

“Well, what?” Kazuma said.

“O-oh. Um, n-never mind…i-it would not be proper,” Darkness muttered. 

A grin stole over Kazuma’s face. “Hey, let go of my hand for a second, I need to tie my shoes.”

“Oh! S-sorry,” Darkness stammered and hastily dropped Kazuma’s hand. 

He took a step back, then another. Then he reached out both hands. “STEAL!” 

Darkness let out a shriek, covering her chest and groin with her hands as two pieces of warm and lacy fabric fell into Kazuma’s hands. 

“Damn, this is huge,” Kazuma said, sniffing at Darkness’ bra. “I could fit my whole head in here!” 

“K-Kazuma!” Darkness gasped, though Kazuma could see the blush and goofy grin on her face. “Y-you vile wretch! You tricked me!” 

“I did indeed,” Kazuma said, tying the bra under his chin so that the cups rested on the side of his head. It really was so big that he could lose himself in it, so he had to be careful. “You’re rather gullible, you know.” 

“G-give them back! A-a lady cannot be expected to walk home in such a state!” 

“Well, good thing I’m walking home with Darkness, perverted Crusader, and not Lady…what was her name again?”

Darkness let out a mewl of embarrassment… “Please don’t say it…”

“I promise not to say your name, if you promise not to break my arm for taking your panties and bra,” Kazuma said, stuffing the panties into his belt pouch after a good sniff. 

“Y-you cur! This is blackmail!”

“Damn, too bad it’s not extortion. That’s your favorite.”

Slowly, Darkness stood up straight, lowering her hand from her chest. Her nipples were rather pronounced now that her bra was gone, and Kazuma blessed his night vision. “V-very well. So long as you promise to guide me safely home. Otherwise, I will claim I was accosted by a highwayman, and had to defend my dignity with my fists!” 

“Oh please. I bet it’s one of your fondest fantasies to be accosted by a highwayman,” Kazuma said, taking Darkness’ hand again. “Now come along, my lady. We don’t want some rapscallion to steal your virtue on this night.”

They made their way back without much further interruption, with Darkness pressing herself close to Kazuma as they walked along the darkened path. When they reached the lights of the mansion, Darkness hesitated.

“Um, K-Kazuma, m-my…um…my delicates?” she stammered. 

“I thought they were payment,” Kazuma said, adjusting her bra around his head. 

“B-but what if the other see you! I-It is most improper!” Darkness gasped. 

“Well, you’d better hope they’re already in bed, huh?” Kazuma said, then dropped her hand and took off and a dead sprint.

“KAZUMA!” Darkness squawked, then pounded after him. 

Kazuma had just enough time to realize that even his Escape Artist skill wasn’t enough to keep him away from the only person in his party who did daily cardio when Darkness caught up to him, grabbing him from behind and lifting him up. He tried to wiggle out of her grip, but the Crusader had a grip as strong as adamantium, and all he managed to do was find himself face to face with Darkness.

“I-I will take my bra back,” Darkness said, plucking it off of Kazuma’s head. “I, um, they are very expensive, a-and custom made. It is…difficult…to find proper support.”

“Urk,” Kazuma wheezed, by virtue of all the air being forced out of his lungs. 

“But…thank you, Kazuma. Thank you for caring,” Darkness whispered. Then she closed her eyes, and rammed her face into Kazuma’s. Their teeth clacked, and Kazuma’s head spun. Then she dropped him.

“N-now if I must give myself to Alderp…h-he cannot steal what I have given away!” Darkness panted, then she turned and fled into the mansion. 

Kazuma rubbed at his lip, and his fingers came away slightly bloody. “That bitch! She stole my first kiss! If you can call that a kiss…sheesh.”

With a groan, Kazuma picked himself up. Then, a slow grin spread over his face, and his hand wandered to his satchel. Well. He still had one prize from this evening. 

Whistling through the new crack in his tooth, Kazuma strode off to find Aqua and make her fix his chipped tooth.