This Goddess Must Be Crazy, Chapter 56

Kazuma considered himself something of a badass. Not only had he saved two, possibly three worlds now, he’d just helped to take out the Lord of the Tomb (mostly by being Aqua’s handler) and saved the multiverse. He was confident that if this were an internet battle board argument, he would scale to universal feats thanks to his actions, which meant he could totally take Superman, who would definitely lose to Goku, so there. 

That was why it was so important that he not squee like a fangirl upon seeing King Kai and Haruhi Suzumiya. All of his favorite anime coming to life? Sheesh, why couldn’t he have had Haruhi as his goddess instead of Aqua?

On second thought, never mind. That sounded like a terrible idea. He had one exhausting hyperactive idiot goddess already, he didn’t need another one. 

“Hey, I’m the only one who gets to bully Aqua,” Kazuma said, putting himself between her and the other two gods. “And she just did real good, so before you go yelling at her again-”

“We’re not here to bully Aqua,” Haruhi interrupted him. “Well, this time. She did well! If anything, we’re here to help!” 

“It would have been better if one of you mortals had defeated Suzuki Satoru, but we can probably salvage this situation,” King Kai agreed. “Just relax, she did good.”

“You’re the ones that put her up to this, aren’t you?!” the pathetic sack of shit that had been the Lord of the Tomb said. Kazuma had about zero pity for him, and was more than ready to kill him. A lot of people Kazuma loved were dead because of him, especially Komekko and the rest of the Crimson Demons. “The King in Crimson warned me that the gods themselves would seek to punish me and take away my kingdom!”

“Oh did he now?” King Kai said, walking over to the man formerly known as Ainz and peering down at him over his black glasses. “So, Alucard put you up to this?”

Before Momonga or whatever his name was could respond, a chill ran down Kazuma’s spine as the shadows in the room lengthened. Haruhi pulled a star wand that looked straight out of Kirby out of nowhere while Aqua stepped in front of Kazuma and flung out her arms. 

“Now now, you old cricket. That is my subject, not yours. Kindly step away from him,” a deep, silky smooth voice said as a goddamn vampire stepped out of the shadows. He bared his fangs in a menacing smile. “Unless you want things to get… ungentlemanly.”

“He invaded my world, and Comedy’s. He’s ours to deal with,” King Kai said mildly, staring up at the Vampire with a neutral expression, though his antennae were twitching. 

The grin on the vampire’s face slowly widened, and Kazuma couldn’t help but think of some of the more disturbing horror manga he’d read. “My, my. Is that a declaration of war? Because if it had been mortals fighting mortals, well, that’s one thing. But a god coming to bully one of my subjects? Tsk, tsk. Such things simply aren’t done,” Alucard, because of course it was freaking Dracula, said. 

“It’s over, Alucard. Your plan has-” Haruhi began, but he cut her off. 

“Over? It’s just beginning, little girl! This is the act of war I have been waiting for! The comedy division will be erased, by the full might of all the horrors I command. And no one is coming to save you!” Alucard snarled. 

King Kai set his jaw. “Not this time.”

“Then I get what I wanted regardless, and heaven falls in blood,” Alucard purred. “Come on, old cricket. Just one punch. You know you want to hit me.” 

Just then, Kazuma noticed Tanya coming out of the treasure room, holding a long object in her hands. By her expression, she was ready to do a little murder herself. And something told Kazuma that if he didn’t act fast, everyone’s luck was about to run out. 

Panting and exhausted, All For One stood beside Aura and Mare, along with all their various minions. Half of Tokyo lay in ruins now, and he was desperately trying to raise more dead. Except that blasted witch was still interfering with his spells! She had excellent command of necromancy, but instead of using it to call forth undead minions, she was putting souls to rest in such a way that All For One couldn’t hope to create the army of zombies he needed to overrun the heroes and end this charade. 

“This place is tougher than we thought,” Aura said, wiping her thumb across her mouth and smearing blood across her face as she grinned. “We haven’t had to do a full invasion like this since…since…”

“S-since Belzerg,” Mare said, clutching his staff tightly. “Sis, I don’t have a good feeling about this. We’ve thrown everything we can at them, and they're still coming. Maybe we should get backup…”

“And tell Lord Ainz we failed? Not in a million years!” Mare laughed. “We’ll crush these fools and bring their heads back as trophies!”

“Um, well, don’t be mad, but…I already requested reinforcements…” Mare admitted. 

“Ugh, seriously? Fiiiiiine. But Shaltear better not come and steal all my glory! She’s so smug when she does that,” Bella complained. 

All For One let the children argue. He knew he could still win this fight. All Might was bloodied and bruised, and he wasn’t quite as strong as he had been at his peak. Many of the heroes were badly hurt and out of the fight, and while Japan was rallying, plenty of other places on the globe were suffering from the attacks by Nazerick’s forces. They just needed one final push.

“You, lich. Go out there and buy us some time,” Aura ordered. “Even I can’t trade blows with that blond muscle man all day. Worse than sparring with Cocytus when he’s not holding back…”

At last. This was his chance. All For One would finally get to deliver his speech. He stepped forward, using several quirks to raise his voice over the battlefield in addition to a voice amplification cantrip. He was running low on mana, but now was not the time to skimp on showmanship. That was what separated the true villains from the simple criminals. 

“Heir of One For All, you stand now as the precipice of history!” All For One boomed, stepping forward and spreading his skeletal arms wide. “Do you not see how futile your quest has been? You give endlessly of yourself, but no man, no matter how strong, can be the foundation of society! In the end, humans are but selfish creatures, and-”

A massive glowing portal opened on the battlefield, and Mare sighed in relief. 

All For One gritted his teeth and kept going. He was going to give this speech if it killed him. 

Or even as everyone else died. What was the point in conquering the world if no one knew it was your master plan that led to it?

Faced with an impossible situation, Kazuma knew that Alucard was moments away from declaring some sort of multiversal war and turning this victory into the start of an even worse saga. So he did what he always did: Make things up and run his mouth to people he had no business doing so. 

“Hey, you back off of Aqua too! She might be a god, but really, she works for me! She’s my cheat item, and if you have any complaints, they come to me, pal!” Kazuma said, swaggering right up to Alucard and glaring up at him. 

The Vampire glanced down at Kazuma and frowned. “A pathetic and faulty argument. If you truly had a goddess under your command, you’d be a god yourself. And I happen to know that you spent quite a bit of time in Comedy’s Divine Judgement division, which makes you a divine agent at best and at worst a fellow god. Which if anything, makes the crime against my Division worse.”

“And what Division is that, bad fashion sense?” Kazuma huffed. “All red? What are you, a tacky Trigun cosplayer?” 

Alucard chuckled. “Normally I’d admire your grit, but I’m afraid that my long laid plans are finally coming to fruition. I’m going to bring this entire rotten world down, boy, that mankind might truly be free. When I’m done, there will be no more gods, no more cheat items, and no more pointless petty bureaucratic bickering!”

“I couldn’t agree more with your first point, but bureaucracy is the foundation of human achievement, so I am afraid I must file a formal complaint.”

Alucard started to turn, which was when Tanya, who was now right behind him, thrust the spear she was carrying right into his chest. “Longinus, Activate! Mutual deletion protocol!” 

Alucard’s eyes went wide as he whirled on Tanya, who was grinning at him triumphantly. “What?! You, who hate the gods the most would…would…”

“Longinus,” Momonga whispered, awestruck. “A World-Class item. It has the power to delete anything from existence. But it costs you your own.”

“I am the Godslayer,” Tanya agreed, even as she and Alucard both began to dissolve into white nothingness at the edges, as if reality itself was erasing them. “But I have come to understand. You are the god who runs my division, aren’t you? Not Being X. You’re the one I wished to slay all along. Now, Visha can be safe.”

Alucard started to snarl, but then his face relaxed, and he chuckled, holding up a hand that was vanishing to nothingness. “Well. I suppose if I had to be stopped, being taken out by an ordinary mortal isn’t such a bad ending. Ah, Anderson, why couldn’t you understand?”

“Take care of Visha, Aqua,” Tanya said faintly, sagging to her knees as her body faded. “In the end…it was I who abandoned…her…”

Alucard tilted his head back, eyes closed, spreading his arms wide in a crucifixion pose. What a drama queen. Kazuma was sorry about Tanya and all, but at least she was good for something. “I guess, in the end, you weren’t so bad, Tanya the Evil.”

“Divine Resurrection!” Aqua screamed, grabbing onto Tanya and yanking at her just as she was about to completely vanish along with Alucard. To Kazuma’s complete disgust, the process instantly reversed on her, causing Tanya to jerk in shock.

“What are you doing!? If I stay, he stays!” Tanya snarled, shoving Aqua away. “You can’t just-”

“Well, that does solve our problems,” King Kai said, stepping forward. There was a throbbing dark red heart there on the floor, dripping blood and pierced by a black nail. “The God of Horror was erased by his own minion. But that does leave the matter of his position being unfilled.”

Haruhi nodded. “Which means that even if erased, his mantle will just pass to some other monster. Potentially an even worse one.”

“We could bring him back as well,” King Kai said, nodding to the heart. “He’ll linger for a while.”

“You idiots! I was willing to erase myself from reality to kill the Man in Red!” Tanya raged. “I didn’t think he’d simply deliver himself to me gift-wrapped, but he was the one behind all of this!” 

“We know,” Haruhi said. “But alas, there must always be a Horror Division. If only we had someone gifted in bureaucratic organization who could contain the worst elements of that division.”

“Hold the fuck on, what even just happened? Who was that red clown?” Bakugo demanded, glaring around the room. 

“I’m not sure, but I think Tanya just accidentallied a peace?” Izuku said, putting a hand on Bakugo’s shoulder. “Just hold on for a moment.”

Tanya, on the other hand, was looking back and forth between Haruhi and King Kai, a look of dawning disbelief and disgust on her face. “You cannot be serious! I wanted to erase myself and him! I’m the Godslayer! The Devil of the Rhine! If I had my way, there would be no more gods! Not even Aqua! Though she is by far the most tolerable, even if she is a moron.”

“Hey! I just brought you back to life, I’m not a moron!” Aqua huffed.

“Considering I was in the process of erasing the biggest threat to all of reality at the cost of myself, I think, perhaps, you’d have been better off not meddling,” Tanya snapped. 

“The mantle really will pass to someone else,” Haruhi said, nodding to the throbbing heart. “Can you imagine if someone like Kyubey got ahold of it?”

Kazuma felt a ball of dread form in his stomach, and he reached out, putting a hand on Tanya’s shoulder. “Uh, Tanya, I hate to say this, but, uh, maybe you should consider a career as a goddess.”

Tanya turned to glare at him. “What, and I suppose you know of this Kyubey?”

“If it’s anything like the little monster in PMMM, then we’re talking like, turning little girls into monsters to power the end of the world,” Kazuma told her. 

“You are simply making that up,” Tanya said in disgust.

“No, he’s exactly right,” King Kai said with a shake of his head. “The Incubators would be even more powerful than Alucard, and their version of Horror far more insidious.”

“I do not even fully understand what you are asking of me!” Tanya raged. “What would you have me do!? Become a god myself!? I am the last person who should! I have proven myself a monster, time and again!”

“And you’d need to be, to be put in charge of all the monsters that are locked up in Horror,” Haruhi told her. “And before you ask, no. You can’t just erase them all. Horror is a part of the human experience. It’s the primal fear of something out in the night, coming to get you. The existential dread of looking up at the sky, and being small in a vast universe. And the gleeful gory violence that lurks in the dark parts of our souls. I exist because people need to laugh. Horror exists because people need to scream.”

“Man, fuck horror, those movies are garbage,” Bakugo grumbled. 

“You just say that because you made me stay up late with you that one time when we were kids, but you were the one who had nightmares for months afterward,” Izuku told him, and Bakugo turned bright red, but didn’t deny it. 

King Kai put his hand on Tanya’s shoulder. “It has to be someone. At least you’d see to it that the rules would be followed. And that the monsters stay in their cages.”

“Besides, rules are rules,” Haruhi said with a shrug. “You kill it, you bought it.”

Tanya looked ready to do some more murder, but squared her shoulders. Muttering under her breath, she reached up, grasping the bloody heart. 

As she did so, there was a burst of darkness and the taste of blood in Kazuma’s mouth, as Alucard’s laugh echoed in his mind. He fell to his knees, clutching at his head and trembling as fear gripped his heart and froze his breath. He thought he was going to die, until Aqua wrapped her arms about him. 

“It’s OK. No matter how scary it is, I’m still here. We’ll laugh about this together later. You know that, right?” she asked tenderly. 

He could only nod and cling to her.

At last, the darkness cleared, and Kazuma looked up. He expected to see a monster, but instead, Tanya was standing there, looking down at her hands, a puzzled expression on her face. 

“That’s it? I’ve been through worse artillery bombardments. That’s your so-called horror? Blood, a dead idiot laughing, and darkness? Please, I put my own recruits through worse.”

“Most people use Horror as a way to escape from grim reality. You went through horror far worse than what most consider good escapism. Keep it scary, but fun, you know?” Haruhi said, winking at Tanya.

The diminutive woman gave Haruhi a flat stare, then looked absently at Momonga, who was glaring back at her. A slow grin spread over Tanya’s face. “Well, I can feel the power at least. And I think I know what the first horrifying tale I shall spin will be.”

“Just kill me and get it over with,” Momonga spat, glaring at her. “If our positions were reversed, I’d at least give you a clean death.”

“Death requires too much paperwork, at least by the system I plan to institute. And it’s terribly dull. A scream, some blood, it’s over. Hardly horrifying,” Tanya said, putting her hands behind her back and standing up straight. She was dressed now in what looked suspiciously like a Hugo Boss uniform to Kazuma. That did explain a great deal about her. 

“I think it’s time for you all to learn what true Horror is,” Tanya cackled. 

The portal opened fully, All For One opened his mouth to continue his speech. 

“EXPLOSION!” 

The blast sent All For One cartwheeling through the air. It wasn’t as strong as the Explosions that manic little mage had been unleashing at UA, but he could recognize the sparkles. Just what on earth was happening?

“You fools, attack them, not-” All For One began, but then a line of armored knights with blue banners with a seven spoked wheel on them charged through. 

“FOR LADY AQUA!” they cried, and a lance took All For One right in the chest. It burned, and he realized it had to be infused with magic by how it glowed. More knights and mages appeared, rushing through the portal in a seemingly endless wave. 

“FOR KING CHARLES!” some of the knights cried, which was even more confusing since they sounded like they were speaking French. 

Others cried out in odd German, “FOR KONIGREICH AND KAISER!” 

All of them were fighting under that seven-spoked banner, however, and it disgusted All For One. He tore apart the knights near him, then retreated back to Aura and Mare, who were fighting fiercely. 

“Where did these knights come from!” All For One demanded. 

“It’s that damn worthless planet that Sebas and the Pleiades were supposed to take out!” Aura snapped. “Where all of this mess started! Now they’re sending in reinforcements! We’ve got to call for-”

“VALHALLA GATE!” 

A nightmarish gate opened beside Aura, with a grinning statue reaching out to pull her into it.

“No!” she dodged away at the last second, as a tall, dark haired man with a sword appeared. 

“You’ve run from me long enough.” the man said. “It’s time to end this, Mare Belle Fiora.”

“Seiya! Finally showing your face only when victory is certain, I might have known,” Mare spat.

“I have a bit of a cautious streak. But it’s time to end this once and for all,” the man said, and attacked Aura with a flurry of sword blows. 

All For One didn’t stick around to see what would happen. It seemed that things were going south. Well, he would regroup. He was immortal now, and restored to more than full power. He prepared to retreat, only for a familiar sound to interrupt him. 

“DETROIT SMASH!” 

The blow took All For One square in the solar plexus and blew him across the battlefield to slam into a building that rapidly crumbled atop him. He blasted himself free in a fit of pique, rising up to find his nemesis advancing on him.. 

“Well, at last, we have our final duel, Bearer of my Brother’s Power. Now we…wait! What is she doing here!? This is supposed to be our fight!”

“That’s the difference between you and me, All For One,” All Might told him as Wiz advanced at his side. “Heroes don’t have to fight alone. We may stand alone against evil, but in the end, I’ll happily share my power and glory, because my true mission is justice. I am no longer just One Man For All.”

“But a man and a woman together!” Wiz agreed. 

As they attacked him, All For One reflected that this was easily his worst day ever. Even more so than his previous defeat at All Might’s hands. At least they’d had time for dramatic speeches during that one. 

And he had a feeling he wouldn’t be surviving this one. 

He had been so close. So close to ending the only threat to his kingdom. He could have ruled over Nazarick forever, as the benevolent sorcerer king. Yes, he’d had to kill a few people along the way, but he’d made their lives better. A few humans had to be given over as cattle for Demiurge’s experiments, but it was all his fault anyway. Ainz would have let the humans live, save for the ones who defied him. 

Now he wasn’t even Ainz anymore. He glared at over at Demiurge, who was kneeling beside him, mystic chains wrapped around him.

“This, this is according to your plan, isn’t it, my lord? You’re just pretending to be human,” Demiurge whispered. “The great Ainz Ooal Gown would never-”

“Oh shut up. I never understood your plans anyway,” Momonga told Demiurge bitterly. “I just always agreed with what you said my plan was. I could never figure out how you came up with that stuff.”

Demiurge blinked at him, his tail twitching in irritation. On Momonga’s other side, Albedo was weeping. “I, I still love you, Lord Ainz! I will make an opening, and you can escape! Even if I should I die, I will always serve you!”

“Only because I made you. I altered your mind to love me. It was fun at first, but it got annoying, especially when I couldn’t even enjoy your attentions because liches can’t have sex!” Momonga spat. All his human emotions were returning after hundreds of years suppressed, and what bubbled out was the petty spite, pride, and bitterness. It was all so frustrating. Why couldn’t Tanya kill them and be done with it?

“Healthy communication is important in the workplace,” Tanya said. She had several menus open and was scrolling through them. They were similar to what Ainz used to modify Nazerick and the NPCs back when YGGDRASIL had only been a game. What was she even doing?

“You…you were just a human the entire time?!” Demiurge asked in disbelief. “Impossible, I would never-”

“Of course he was once a human! Where do you think undead come from?” Albedo demanded. “Keep your tongue in check, Demiurge. He is still Lord-...Lord…”

“There. Your compulsion has been removed. Both of you,” Tanya said, nodding. “No more slavish loyalty. I have to applaud you, Momonga, or whatever you wish to be called now. If I could have made my own subordinates this loyal back when I was a salaryman, I would never have had so many problems as the HR manager.”

So that was her plan. Loyalty compulsion removed, and now his own subordinates would tear him apart. He’d always known this day would come. It was something he’d always been in fear of: That either his guildmates would come back and reclaim his minion’s loyalty, or someone else would figure out what he’d done and undermine him. 

“I…I still,” Albedo said, but her expression was twisting into something unbelieving. 

“A filthy human! Disguised as a lich! I should have known,” Demiurge spat. “You were clever, but a fool! I will find a way to-”

“And, there. Race change complete,” Tanya said. For a moment, Momonga’s heart skipped a beat, and he thought he’d been made a lich again. Only for his heart to go right on beating. He looked to his right, then his left, and blinked. Albedo and Demiurge were gone. In their place were a buxom, dark-haired, but ultimately very human woman, and a wiry, sour-faced man in glasses. 

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?” Demiurge raged, straining against his bonds. “WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!? KILL ME, BUT DO NOT INSULT ME!” 

“I was in favor of just killing them, but this is poetic,” one of the intruders, that disgusting boy Sato said. “Nice. Now what, Tanya?”

“Now?” Tanya grinned, and it was so unpleasant Ainz flinched, even with all that had been done to him. “Now they go home. Farewell, Suzuki Satoru. Enjoy the horror story that will now unfold.”

Before Momonga could figure out what that meant, Nazerick vanished. And a familiar weight was felt on his body.

“No, no, no!” gasping, he sat up, ripping off the headset and looking at it in horror. “No!” 

He stood, stumbling to the window. He peered out at the bleak cityscape, then spun back to the bare room. “NO!” 

But he was not alone. The beautiful woman from before was getting up from the floor by his chair, while the wirey man was crouching, his expression full of venom.

“We…we are alive?” the woman asked, her voice tremulous. She turned to Momonga, and tears filled her eyes. “Lord…Lord Ainz?”

“Don’t call me that!” he snarled, jerking away from her. “Stay away!”

“Now, now, Albedo,” the man hissed, slowly stalking towards Momonga. “That’s not Lord Ainz. That’s just a pathetic human. I’ll ride us of him and we can-”

“NO!” the woman, Albedo? Flung herself between Momonga and the man who had to be Demiurge. “I finally have a chance to consummate my love with my Lord! You should still be loyal, Demiurge! We have survived the fall of Nazarick, and together, we can rebuild our Lord’s glorious empire as we-”

Demiurge slapped Albedo across the face, staggering her. “Don’t be a fool! He was forcing us to be loyal! But with that removed, we can have our revenge! You don’t have to live out that sick human’s twisted fantasy!”

In response, Albedo balled up a fist and drove it into Demiurge’s stomach, causing him to sink to his knees. “My love for Lord Ainz is real! Not just because I was mind controlled! This is all a part of his plan, I know it!” 

She turned towards Momonga, her expression pleading. “You…you will save us, Lord Ainz? B-but even if you don’t, I will still love you! Even if I have to be a filthy human to do it!”

Momonga could only gaze on in horror as Demiurge stared daggers at him from where he crouched, clutching his bruised ribs. No. Death was better than this. He was trapped, trapped in the living nightmare of his old world!

He sank to his knees, clutching at his head, as Albedo wrapped him in her arms. 

“Shh, shh. I’m here for you, Lord Ainz. Always. I’m your Albedo…”

She would kill him. Or Demiurge would. That might be a mercy. There had to be a way out. Suicide? No. No, that would give Tanya what she wanted, the bitch. He had to survive. Had to find a way to survive with Demiurge out to kill him, and Albedo biding her time to drive a knife into his back. 

“It is Horror,” he whispered. “Damn you, Tanya. This is Horror.”

There was no way to know if the man who had once been called the Lord of the Tomb and his former minions would live long on this sick and dying capitalist hellscape of a world, but one thing was certain: It was a Horror that was nearly as bad as they deserved.