A Cat is Fine Too, Part 4

The next day, Kazuma got up early (for him) and cooked breakfast, eager to further impress Wolbach with his culinary talents. To his surprise, Wolbach came in the door once everyone else was already up, dressed and apparently already having been out for some time.

“Good morning, I already ate, but thank you,” Wolbach said when offered rice and eggs for breakfast.

“More for me then!” Aqua said happily, and helped herself to another pair of fried eggs.

Kazuma felt slightly disappointed, but Wolbach did sit down next to him at the table and pour herself a cup of tea.

“You’re up early this morning. What’s up?” Kazuma asked.

“Oh, nothing much. Just trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself,” Wolbach sighed, peering into her tea cup. “I don’t want to just be a useless layabout.”

“Yeah, Kazuma already has that position on lockdown,” Megumin said, feeding a bit of egg to Chomusuke.

“Meh, I think we should take the day off and relax,” Aqua said, stifling a yawn. She was still dressed in her PJs, and clearly had no intention of doing anything productive that day.

“W-we could go on a quest?” Yunyun suggested, blushing slightly. “You know. As rivals…”

“Hmph. Well, I need someone to escort me for my daily Explosion. Unless Kazuma wants to do it,” Megumin said, eyeing Kazuma out of the corner of her eye.

“Well, I was thinking of showing Wolbach around town, helping her get to know people, ya know? Maybe introduce her to the guys at the guild,” Kazuma said nonchalantly. By which he meant show off Wolbach to Dust and the other lowlifes, and cement his status as no longer a total virgin as he now had a girlfriend.

“I wouldn’t mind stopping in to say hello to Wiz and Vanir,” Wolbach said, brightening at that. “Perhaps they’ll have some useful magic items for a quest.”

“Ehhhhhh….”

Everyone at the table looked doubtful of that, even Yunyun, who was a part timer at Wiz’s shop.

“Um, I have a few days off since I was going home, b-but you said you needed a job, right? M-maybe Mr. Vanir could use some extra help?” Yunyun suggested. “Though, um…the pay isn’t very good.”

Wolbach chuckled at that. “Wiz never did have a head for business, but she’s a dear. I would have thought that Vanir would have her head on straight. Though he is…quite the individual. I don’t think I’d like a job there, though.”

“You could work with me at the fruit stand!” Aqua said excitedly. “I work there part time, and Kazuma gives me some of my wages for spending money!”

Wolbach opened her mouth, then shut it again. She glanced at Kazuma with new respect. “That’s…a very wise arrangement. And I trust the rest of the money is going to a good cause?”

“Yeah, paying down the massive debt someone incurred when they WRECKED THE CITY WALLS!” Kazuma said, glaring at Aqua.

“Hey! You told me to do that, and I did stop Beldia and his knights!” Aqua protested.

“Doing the world a favor at that,” Wolbach muttered, taking a sip of her tea.

“Servant, this breakfast was acceptable, but I desire fish for lunch,” Chomusuke informed Kazuma, hopping up on the table and padding over to him. “I will now permit you to rub me to show your devotion.”

“You turned me into a rat last night! Fat chance of THAT!” Kazuma said, and picked up his plate in disgust. “Come on, Wolbach. We’ll head over to the shop. I’m sure there’s some job around town you’d like. Though you don’t have to, you can stay here as long as you want.”

“So long as you help with chores,” Darkness said, looking up from her own breakfast of a dozen eggs and several pounds of rice. “I’ll write you into the rotation.”

Wolbach looked uncertain about that, but nodded and followed after Kazuma.

The walk to town was nice enough, with Kazuma and Wolbach holding hands and blushing slightly. They did part once they got to Axel, as the streets were rather busy at this time of day. Wolbach seemed to know her way around the town, which made Kazuma wonder. “Do you know how to get around from when you were trapped in Chomusuke?”

“Hmm? Oh no, I simply visited Wiz in her shop from time to time. I do vaguely remember my time as a cat, but they don’t perceive the world the way we do, and it’s rather nightmarish. I do my best to forget it,” Wolbach said, shuddering slightly.

“Oh, sorry, yeah, that makes sense,” Kazuma allowed. He wracked his brains for something to say, and managed, “Uh, you look good today.”

Wolbach was dressed in the same robe, and she gave him a wry smile. “One reason I need employment of some sort is while I’m not particularly clothes obsessed, I do like to have more than one outfit.”

“I could buy you some clothes. As like, a gift,” Kazuma suggested, his thoughts going to sexy lingerie and perhaps a few low cut tops. Ones that showed off her midriff.

“I wouldn’t mind you buying me a present once in a while, but while I was the goddess of sloth and violence, now that I’m mortal…time feels more real. I don’t know that I want to spend all my time lazing about,” Wolbach said. Then she gave Kazuma a toothy grin. “Besides, I always preferred the violence part of my portfolio.”

“Yeah, well, you’re depowered now, don’t get too crazy,” Kazuma said. “Maybe we can tackle a quest or two. You know a few spells, right?”

Wolbach frowned at him in perplexity, then suddenly brightened. “Ah! We’re here! Oh, I hope Wiz has some of those lovely cookies she makes. She was always an excellent cook.”

Kazuma would have been more hurt that Wolbach would rather eat that than his breakfast if he too didn’t save room for Wiz’s baked goods. The woman was simply divine as a chef. Which was pretty amazing for someone who was dead and didn’t really need to eat.

The shop was as cluttered as ever as they stepped inside, the little bell ringing as the door swung open.

“Welcome!” Wiz said brightly, looking up from where she had been setting out her newest product. By the look of them, they were umbrellas of some sort, only they had little holes in them. The sign read “lightweight sun umbrellas!”

Kazuma had a feeling if you used one to sunbathe, you’d end up with polka dot sunburns.

“Hey there. I’m back,” Wolbach said, waving to Wiz.

Upon seeing her old friend, Wiz let out a gasp of delight, then hurried over, enveloping Wolbach in a hug. “It’s so good to see you again! And Kazuma, um, er, this my friend, um…”

“Wolbach, former cat and general of the Devil King?” Kazuma suggested.

“Er…you know?” Wiz asked, looking at Wolbach somewhat nervously.

“He knows. He actually saved me,” Wolbach explained. “Why don’t we talk for a bit over tea.”

That brightened Wiz’s mood considerably, and she bustled about, bringing out a tray with some finger sandwiches and steaming hot tea after only a few minutes. “Please, tell me everything!”

Wolbach and Kazuma related the story, with both of them starting off normal enough. Wolbach had been in Alcanrettia to relax and had run into Hans the Poison Slime, then been entrapped in Wolbach, her other half.

However, after that, the story devolved into increasingly outrageous attempts by Kazuma to inflate his abilities as a hero and detective, despite him largely having been stumbling around in the dark and being largely clueless about what was happening.

“Oh goodness, so that was why you needed the animal talking potion! But how did you know to take her to the Crimson Demon Village?” Wiz asked, buying the story hook, line, and sinker.

Wolbach for her part was looking increasingly uncomfortable. “I don’t really remember things being that bad, Kazuma. When did you have to fight off an army of orcs to rescue Chomusuke?”

“Eh the orcs were intent on kidnapping both of us, really it was a team effort between me and Yunyun,” Kazuma said with a dismissive shrug.

“Kazuma, you really fought off orcs? You must really have gotten stronger! Have you finally picked a class other than Adventurer?” Wiz asked, smiling with sincere interest. From Megumin or Aqua, he would have taken that as a pot shot, but Wiz was just making conversation.

“Really?” You’re just an Adventurer?” Wolbach asked, somewhat surprised.

“Uh, well, you see, I’m using a secret build that relies on unconventional usage of a variety of skills from a number of classes, and only the Adventurer is able to pull it off. It’s how I was able to use Drain Touch, after all,” Kazuma said, trying to sweep it all under the rug.

“Kazuma is very creative, he’s the one who came up with the plan to kill both the Destroyer and Hans,” Wiz said.

That made Kazuma puff up again. “Yep, that’s me. Kazuma Sato: Rescuer of Maidens and slayer of foes.”

“Of course, he’s always been fairly weak and needed the help of his friends, so I’m glad to hear you’re getting stronger,” Wiz said. “Would you like another sandwich?”

Kazuma winced and shrank slightly as Wolbach frowned at him. “Well, you see, I-”

“VANIR STYLE DEATH RAY!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Wiz screamed as a burning crimson ray enveloped her.

“Moi departs to deliver some of the few goods a fool actually ordered, only to find that the shopkeeper who normally works so hard to impoverish herself is, instead of cataloging her useless inventory, hosting a tea party!?” Vanir demanded, stomping into the room.

“Vanir! What are you doing!? Don’t you recognize me?!” Wolbach demanded, stomping forward and spreading her arms wide to protect Wiz. Kazuma felt like he maybe should have been body blocking, but he went over to check on the poor lich, who was moaning on the floor.

“Hmph. Moi recognizes the stench of a former goddess who once more tempts the foolish lich to…” Vanir trailed off, then glanced between Kazuma and Wolbach.

“Here, have a little energy,” Kazuma said, putting his hand in Wiz’s and wincing slightly. He normally wasn’t into white knighting, but he had to look good in front of Wolbach. How else was a woman like that going to fall for him?

“Oh…thank you,” Wiz sighed, and drained enough HP from Kazuma to get back to her feet. Even as she did so, Vanir was cackling.

“BWA-HA-HA-HA! Oh, oh this is too precious! Moi’s All Seeing Eye tells that the Dark Goddess is now a mere mortal and that she and the foolish boy who lives in a house full of women to safeguard his chastity are- BWA-HA-HA-HA! Oh, such a banquet of despair and frustration! This is nearly worth the wasted profit of thy visit which consumes our victuals and worse our time for no return whatsoever!”

“If it’s money you want, I’ll pay for the damn tea party,” Wolbach spat. Then she winced. “Just, ah, as soon as I make some money.”

“I mean I can front you some cash,” Kazuma offered, feeling a bit dizzy after the drain.

“Oh yes, moi knows the goddess of sloth is all too eager to become a decoration. She shall lay about like thy other useless goddess, draining you dry until your profits are but dust,” Vanir chuckled, shaking his head.

“Yeah but unlike Aqua my friendship has its benefits,” Wolbach snapped.

“W-Wolbach!? Do you mean…you and Kazuma… are getting married?!” Wiz gasped.

“Uh, I wouldn’t say that yet,” Kazuma temporized, then winced. Girls never liked to hear that.

“Bit soon for that. I was thinking more like I’d just find out what the fuss about sex was like, see if I like it,” Wolbach said defensively. “You know, before any serious commitment.”

For some reason, that hurt Kazuma slightly, but he gave a thumbs up anyway. “Yeah, I mean, that sounds more like it.”

“No! Wolbach, you can’t get married before me!” Wiz wailed, suddenly dissolving into tears. “I’m only twenty, it’s fine! I’ll find a man soon, as soon as my shop becomes profitable!”

“Hmph. Now she is broken.” Vanir gestured to the door. “Get thee both gone, until thy purses are fattened and you bring more than poverty and despair in thy wake. Though we do sell a variety of novelty prophylactics.”

Kazuma frowned. “What’s a prophylactic?”

“Uh, we’ll talk about that later,” Wolbach said, blushing furiously as she shoved Kazuma out the door.

“Well, if you’re really set on a job, the only other suggestion I have is maybe working for my old boss in the construction crew. I try to avoid it because I hate backbreaking labor, but it beat starving when I first got here,” Kazuma said as they wound their way through the back alleys where Wiz’s shop lay.

“Ugh, hard pass on that. While I don’t want to be a leech on you, physical labor sounds awful. I wouldn’t mind something where I put in a little effort, but I’m not killing myself for peanuts in pay,” Wolbach said, shaking her head in disgust.

“Yeah, that’s why adventuring is way better. Though if you’re depowered, then, um…” Kazuma trailed off, recalling he’d just bragged he was some sort of ultra elite warrior.

A cat-like grin spread over Wolbach’s face, and she draped herself over Kazuma, her finger tracing circles on his chest. “Well, you were just telling me about your incredible build. Why don’t we take a few simple quests that can earn us some easy cash. I can think of a way to…reward you…after. And maybe explain what a prophylactic is.”

Normally, Kazuma’s survival instincts were finely honed enough that he wouldn’t have fallen for such blatant bait for an early death. And they kicked in this time too, but he quickly thought of a way out.

“Oh, sure, we could just grab Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness, maybe hit up a few-”

“Think of it as a date. Just the two of us,” Wolbach purred into Kazuma’s ear. “Show me what you’ve got…and I’ll show you mine.” She rubbed her chest suggestively against Kazuma, to make it all too blatant just what she meant.

It was too much, and Kazuma eagerly nodded. “Of course! I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He fervently prayed there was a quest for something easy, like a couple of crippled kobolds, or a one legged and half starved orc. Or maybe fishing for giant tadpoles. That had to be easier than killing them when they were full grown elephantine frogs.

Unfortunately, there was nothing of the sort. As soon as they walked in, Luna bustled up to them both. “Ah, Miss Wolbach! Mr. Kazuma! Excellent, you said you were interested in questing together earlier, so I found something just suitable to your skills! There’s a pack of Beginner’s Banes that have moved into the area. They need to be cleared out; most of my newbie parties are refusing to go out.”

Cold sweat ran down Kazuma’s spine. He could maybe, MAYBE, take on one Beginner’s Bane, with a little clever engineering and perhaps using Wolbach as bait. But a whole pack?

“Uh, define pack. Is this like, one or two, maybe a mated pair, or a mother and young cubs?” Kazuma asked hopefully.

“Oh no, it’s a full pack of six! Normally I’d have to wait for Sir Mitsurugi to-”

“No need to wait for that stuck up jerk, I’ll handle it,” Kazuma growled, snatching the quest paper out of Luna’s hands. How many generals of the Devil King had Matsumoto defeated? Huh? Kazuma was up to FIVE, if you counted Wiz and Wolbach, which Kazuma did because they were off the table on a technicality.

And also it made him look better.

Kazuma was halfway to the quest location, Wolbach holding his hand as they walked and chatted, mostly about what sort of food they liked, before he realized just what he had gotten himself into.

“-yeah, not really a fan of chocolate, even before I got turned into a cat. Fruity desserts are alright, and I do like milk based stuff, but honestly I’d rather have another hunk of meat or, Kazuma?”

He’d stopped dead in his tracks, swallowing. “Uh, Wolbach, I know I said I’m a big shot, but six beginner’s banes…I’m worried about you. I can get out of that situation if I have to, but, well, I might be willing to risk myself, but not you. We should go get the girls. They’re weird, and annoying, and useless a lot of the time, but if something goes wrong, Aqua can patch you up, Darkness will keep them off of us, and, well, Megumin does make a pretty big boom, even if it’s a one off.”

“Oh? Changing your tune, Mr. Bigshot?” Wolbach asked, smiling predatorily.

Kazuma sighed. “Look, maybe I’m not so good in a straight fight, but I CAN get results. You know that, right?”

“Hmm. Well, I suppose I don’t mind a little humility. Not too much though, it’s a bad fit for you,” Wolbach teased.

“No, look, you don’t understand! I just found you, I’m not losing you!” Kazuma said, tearing at his hair. “I’m a skill monkey! An ideas guy! I can pull some neat tricks and drop a big mob or two! I can’t protect you from a whole pack of beginner’s banes!”

Kazuma let out a heavy sigh as Wolbach eyed him with dissatisfaction. “Look, I maybe let this all go to my head a little, but it’s not worth either of us dying. Even if Aqua probably would bring us back, just think about how smug she’d be for days.”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t want that to happen,” Wolbach said dryly. “But I think you’re not really looking at this situation properly. I’m still here.”

“What!? Do you think you can solo those Beginner’s Banes alone!? Sure, maybe when you were a dark goddess and a general, but you’ve been depowered! What can you even do!?”

Now Wolbach looked like she’d bit a lemon. “Do you think I’m some helpless chit? I won’t lie, Kazuma, you saved me, and I’m grateful. But I’m not a useless floozy. Don’t you know what I am?”

“Not the goddess of violence! You’re just a-” something twigged in Kazuma’s head, and a chill ran down his spine. He spun, drawing his bow as he did so. “Oh shit.”

“No, no. Finish the sentence,” Wolbach said, her tone dangerous.

“Run! They’re here! We stumbled on them!” Kazuma shouted, and let fly with an arrow just as an enormous black shape detached itself from the shadows and leapt out at Kazuma, two massive sabertooth fangs bared. From the sides, more emerged: The Beginner’s Bane. They looked black as midnight, but had even darker stripes along their backs, resembling nothing so much as black sabertooth tigers. Normally, they hung around low level monsters and then ambushed low level adventurers coming to clear them out. Thus the name: Beginner’s Bane.

“DON’T INTERRUPT OUR CONVERSATION!” Wolbach shouted, even as Kazuma’s arrow took the lead cat in the chest. It was a lucky shot, straight through the heart. But there were too many, and they were closing too fast for Kazuma to get off more than one more-

“INFERNO!” a wave of flame washed around Kazuma, enveloping two of the Banes. “CURSED LIGHTNING!” A bolt of pure midnight hissed through the air, flaying the flesh from another bane. Three more turned, ignoring Kazuma and pouncing for Wolbach.

“CRYSTAL PRISON!” ice flowed around the cats in midair. Kazuma turned slowly, his jaw hanging open. Wolbach stood, her hands raised and glowing with sorcerous power. She raised a fist and clenched it, and the ice shattered, all three cats exploding in a shower of gore.

“I might not be an all powerful goddess,” Wolbach declared, her eyes glittering with rage and tears. “But I am no weakling. I’ll be spending the night at Wiz’s.”

Then she spun about on her heel, and stalked away.

“I mean…I got one,” Kazuma called.

“Well you seem to have lost one too,” Wolbach shot back as she continued on back towards the town.

Swearing under his breath, Kazuma hastened after Wolbach, not even retrieving his arrow. Those weren’t cheap, mind you. They walked back to town in uncomfortable silence, Wolbach steaming, Kazuma feeling awkward and uncertain. When they approached the town gates, Kazuma finally worked up the nerve to say, “Look. I’m sorry. I was worried about you, alright? I thought…”

“That I was going to be your helpless floozy, totally reliant on you like some sort of pet?” Wolbach spat.

“No! I just thought…you were…I don’t know! Not a crazy powerful archmage, just like, a lowbie…”

“What, like you?” Wolbach snapped, turning to glare at him, her nostrils flaring.

“Yeah? And so what! Does that make me worthless? People underestimate me all the time, and look what’s happened to them! I’ve smoked more generals than anyone else, and I’m just an Adventurer who’d rather take life easy.” Kazuma almost mentioned how he’d saved Wolbach, but he bit that back. That felt too mean, and well, he did sort of want that friends with benefits set up.

Wolbach opened her mouth, then seemed to think twice about her words as well. “That’s…fair. I suppose I was overly harsh. I can see how you’d think I was just a helpless idiot. But I’m not. I’m a far, far cry from what I once was, but I’m still an arch wizard. I just hate to be thought of as a weakling.”

“Do you think I’m a weakling?” Kazuma demanded, hot anger flashing again. “Am I supposed to be your arm candy?”

“I…no. You did save me. That takes…well, maybe not strength. But you’re far more dangerous than you look, Kazuma. And, well, you’re interesting. I like that. You’re exciting, and I’ve had too much boredom in my life. If I only have a little time left, I want it to be exciting.”

They looked at one another for a long moment, then suddenly sprang towards each other. They shared a long, passionate kiss for several minutes, then broke apart, panting.

“You’re hot when you’re mad, you know,” Kazuma said, wiping at his mouth slightly and grinning like an idiot.

“And you get really interesting when you’re angry. I’ve always liked arguments. That one wasn’t bad,” Wolbach agreed. They grinned stupidly at one another for a moment, then Wolbach sighed. “I am going to stay with Wiz though. Just for…well, a few nights. I, um…I do want to try more, but…”

“But you’re still mad at me?” Kazuma asked.

“At myself more than anything,” Wolbach muttered, then shook her head. “Not that. That house? It’s yours. I know how you got it. I’m not going to be a vagrant you take in. Like I said: I’ll stand on my own two feet. How about we split the rewards from the quest, then get dinner together.”

“Sure, say, 60/40?” Kazuma offered. Wolbach looked at him dangerously. “Your favor.”

“Well…I suppose. You did make tolerable bait,” Wolbach grinned at him somewhat wickedly, and Kazuma flushed in embarrassment and anger.

“Bait?! You’re the one that looked like a helpless girl!”

“And you’re the one who screamed like one! Oh don’t look at me like that, it was funny!”

“You could have TOLD me  you weren’t drained of all your levels! That’s how level drain usually works! Or do you get off on my suffering!?”

“Hmmm, maybe a little. Now you’re the one who’s cute when you’re angry.”

The two of them bickered all the way back to the guildhall, where they made out again. All the while, they didn’t notice the figure with the great big hat that trailed them, or the little black cat riding atop the witches hat.

“How dare that jug toting elf disrupt my party!?” Megumin hissed, glaring at Wolbach’s back. “That’s just what I needed! Another overdeveloped floozy stealing my title as this party’s archmage!”

“How dare she steal my servant! He should be feeding ME treats and showering me with affection and love, not her!” Chomusuke agreed, her tail swishing back and forth in agitation. “I am the goddess of Sloth and Violence, not her!”

“We must put a stop to this,” Megumin agreed with her cat. “One way, or another.”

“Mwahaha! Yes, yes my loyal servant! My lesser half shall rue the day she attempted to steal the man servant from us!” Chomusuke cackled.

“I’m the mistress. Not you,” Megumin said, taking Chomusuke off of her hat and setting the cat on the ground.

“What!? No, clearly, you serve me. It is you who empties my litter box, provides me with food, and obeys my whims. I do not serve you,” Chomusuke huffed, licking one paw.

“Oh really?” Megumin’s eyes glittered dangerously, and Chomusuke looked up at her, death in both their eyes.

Then Megumin took out a cattail. “What’s this? What’s this? Who’s gonna get it!”

“AH! A FIEND! I SHALL DESTROY YOU!” Chomusuke yowled, and batted happily at the reed as her servant amused her.

Megumin grinned smugly. Foolish beast. Obviously, she was easily distracted. It was Megumin who had the goddess as her familiar and pet. But she’d show Kazuma, and Wolbach. Oh yes. She wasn’t called the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan for nothing.

Author’s Note:

If you’re upset that Megumin is the bad guy, I have news for you: Megumin was always the bad guy. Even in canon. She’s a terrorist and a bully. Aqua’s a public nuisance and cult leader. Kazuma’s a sex offender and deadbeat. And Darkness is…well, it starts with public indecency and gets worse from there. They were always the bad guys.