Merry Christmas & What's up?!

Hello everyone! Yup, I'm still alive, haha!

Login:

Oh my god, you guys!! I just sweated so much because I hadn't logged in here for so long that both my phone and computer kicked me out of my Patreon. I did not remember how I linked my account, and it took a good while to find out how to get back in here. But PHEW! Thankfully, I am logged in again now, lol!

Image:

Please don't be too critical of me about the illustration above! Y__Y

I have not drawn anything in my webcomic/manga style for about 3 months or something, and I'm super rusty. I just painted abstract color stuff in the meantime (which was a welcomed distraction) ... I don't even really know how my style looks right now, and I'm very slow. Also, I'm shaking even more than before, and drawing doesn't get easier ... orz.

But I still wanted to greet you with a little Holiday illustration for my first return post here, and I wish all of you a few nice and peaceful days! I drew the boys in ugly Christmas sweaters :3! Scott is blushing because he's embarrassed about Carter's posing. And yeah, that I managed to draw a first new illustration means that I'm kinda "back" after a long posting break. But not yet fully ...

Mental Health:

Here's a bit longer update about my mental health situation, as it's very connected to my past and future ability to provide content here. As I announced, I went and checked into a mental hospital. I spent two months there and tried to keep my online presence to a minimum. So, my Twitter was pretty quiet, and my Patreon was completely silent.

Even though I brought my iPad with me in the hopes of working a bit on Java Bonds in my free hours, I quickly noticed that that wouldn't happen. I simply did not have any focus or calm enough hours to work on anything. So, I tried to focus on getting better, put my thoughts about my work aside, and concentrate on only working on myself. Full cold turkey to give me a chance to heal. I'm telling you, I had no good time ... Every day was very hard; I cried non-stop, had so many crises, and had to tackle many fears and uncomfortable subjects.

To be fully open and transparent: I suffer from a very long-time eating disorder & severe depression, anxiety issues, and bad BPD episodes. And when everything else is going okay, my ADHD chaos or gender dysphoria kicks me back into the mood rollercoaster. I'm not proud of it, but this year, I especially struggled with alcohol abuse and self-harm. As I am told often, I am a highly self-reflecting, analytical person who has a great understanding of how my inner processes work, but I still need a lot of help coping with emotions and suicidal impulses.

Eventually, all of that, thankfully, improved a little bit. New medication and very caring nurses and therapists did that as well. Hopefully, I can join a specific Borderliner group therapy starting in February. Wish me luck T_Tv

Even though I've been back home for almost 2 weeks now, I needed this additional time to get used to my home setting again and stabilize here. So, while I want to apologize for taking so long (I'm always sorry for not being able to give you guys stuff), there is simply no way for me to "hurry up" getting better. I really needed that time off.

But because the bad conscience and being detached from my stories are also not good for me, I want to sit my ass down to work again and hope that I won't have a major breakdown anytime soon. But I also won't promise that can't happen again :'').

I'm doing my best to take more care of myself: stop self-destructive behavior, eat regularly, look for a sport that's fun, don't hustle 24/7, and leave room for hobbies, social contacts, and relaxation. The tough "demands of comic creation" are one thing, but my bad, unstructured lifestyle definitely adds to the frequent collapses I have.

As I have not really been okay for years/decades, I'm not very optimistic that my mental health will ever allow me to feel "good" again. So, I need to be glad about any improvements, small happy moments, and a general will to create things again. Usually my work is what gives me a purpose in life, so I'm trying to get back to my stuff now, slowly.

Comic Plans:

Yes, I definitely wanna get back to working on my comics as soon as possible.

Honestly, sometimes I have the urge to burn everything down and never draw anything again, but I also know that I can't trust my decision-making when I'm having a bad episode :'). Then it's definitely better to vanish and not talk too much about future plans of giving up and sabotaging everything I built up in life.

But now I finally feel capable of sorting things in my brain in a reasonable manner again.

So, while I want to continue the comics in the future, they can't have priority.

• First, I owe all of the ELK tier patrons their yearly goodie bags. Drawing, producing, waiting, packing & shipping (more about that below)
• I also have to plan and order the booklets that have the 20 corrected pages for the printed CRUSH3D!! Vol.2 (And organize getting them to the people who already bought the first print edition)
• Then I can start working on the comics (CRUSH3D!! and Java Bonds) that are on Hiatus on Tapas & Webtoon again. Java Bonds has sadly been pausing for a long time already, and I still am not finished with the storyboards for the complete series.
• As a last step, I can work on reopening my online shop, which has been offline for over a year. I kept getting questions about it but stopped answering because I was too overwhelmed. It's the last thing I should get to on my list, so the remaining waiting time will be even longer T_T. It's such a great business model when no one can buy my stuff orz ...
• Because there's so much to produce and organize, I will not attempt to visit any conventions next year. That would only add to my stress and the costs I must cover in advance.

Each of these steps alone is an intense amount of work, and illness can paralyze everything for months or a year. But I will tackle this huge pile (in small pieces), and somehow, I will make up for the things I missed.

Goodie Bag:

Dear Elk tier patrons:

I just downloaded the address list of the current active members. So, if you want to cancel your membership for the new year, you can now do it right before 2024 and are still on my list for 2023.

Please understand that the Goodie Bags for your support will still be heavily delayed.

Normally, I would have to start the production at the beginning of December to send them out at the beginning of the new year. The reasons that you read above make keeping a similar time frame impossible. I'm very sorry! But I will work on them starting after New Year's and will update you on when you can expect to receive them!

Do you have any wishes and ideas for it?

I could need all the inspiration and requests you have. For both motives (my OCs, of course) and also the kind of products you want. (For example: a notepad, magnets, or another keychain?) Because my brain and creative thinking are still completely empty :'(.

Let me know in the comments, and I will see what manufacturers I can find to make things happen. <3

Thanks:

Aaaaand last but not least, I want to thank all of you so much!

I did not dare look into Patreon and check who left or stayed because there was no way it would've helped me. I bet many people left, maybe confused or disappointed, which I can totally understand. I'm the last person who feels comfortable getting funds while not delivering anything back, and I'm sorry that you expected more.

But at the same time, I was not in the position to waive the Patreon money after I already had zero income from Tapas, Webtoon, or my nonexistent webshop or convention business for these months :'D! You guys pretty much save my ass, and I owe you all my energy and a comeback in 2024!

Until then, and I wish you a good start for next year~

Nana YAA