Full Clarity, and Getting Over It

If you want TLDR, go to bottom.

First and foremost, I need to pull my head out of my excuse pool and get back to working on things to share with you amazing people.  There are a lot of you who have supported me for no other reason than the fact that you like the things I do, and don't expect anything in particular of me.  That is one of the most admirable things people have ever done for me, and I respect you all so greatly for it.  With that thank you aside, I wanted to give you guys an explanation, not as an excuse, but a reason I have failed people who deserved so much better from me this month and many months in the past.  I don't expect pity, but I do owe you all this, and a vow to do better.  I will keep things short, because this is about you guys and myself, not the personal lives of the people involved in these events.

For the last few months, I had started feeling a rift growing between myself and someone I was very, Very, in love with.  She was without question my closest friend at the time.  I genuinely started picturing a long life with her.  I wanted to change things about myself that I thought I would never want to change.  Things that were once important to me became trivial, and I was willing to put them aside to have the chance to enjoy life with this person.  NO, art was never on this list.  I have never once thought of giving up my art.  I was genuinely under the impression that she felt the same way about me, and was starting to believe we could be something like that.  About the beginning of December however, she stopped talking to me.  I was given no reason, or warning.

After a couple weeks, and confirming that she was in fact fine (which is still important to me), but I had just been ghosted; I fell into a dark spiral.  I started sleeping more, I did plenty of crying like a little girl (smile), I pretended things don't matter, and acted numb to my very best friends.  While I was riding the worst part of the roller coaster, my father and I were dealing with the first anniversary of my Grandfather's (father's side) passing, so he became a bit more verbally abusive out of pain, and unstable.  I pathetically used this as an excuse to put things off, and stay away from the house, or drown myself in games and social events.  At this very same time, my grandmother (father's side) was scheduled to have an upgraded pacemaker installed onto her heart.  The surgery did not go as planned, and the pacemaker was not installed properly.  The doctor's assured my family it was fine, but she would need another surgery within the month.  Shortly after this, her blood pressure dropped, everything went south, and she passed away as well, just neighboring the new year.

These events clashed together all made understanding and dealing with my feelings very confusing, and chaotic, this entire month.  Every time I felt I had moved passed things, I would hear a voice in my head, or wake up to an empty discord call chat, and break down.  All of the things I would try to draw would feel empty.  I stopped streaming things because I thought nobody would want to watch.  I gave myself a thousand excuses, to which none were good enough.

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This is my letter, and a vow.  I'm finally able to move passed what happened.  There's not a person in this world who hasn't gone through tragedy or suffering.  The beauty in all of the people here is that they made it through it, and they have great stories to tell about how their tragedies made them stronger.  I intend to follow their example.  I want to get some important pieces done and get them out to you guys asap.

This of course involves the next page of TWT's color, as well as the page after that's linework at minimum.  The story needs done.

I've a few TGTFs on the backburner too that need either re-done or finished and posted here.

There are some portraits and couple's sex scenes people are talking to me about as well.

Added to this I want to do some year of the rabbit posts, so if you have ideas, definitely share them with me.

Thank you all so much for being a part of my creative story.  Everyone here has been pivotal in my ability to keep after my artistic goals, and become better for it.  I hope everyone here finds a way to have a beautiful day.