monthly blog post: november ☕️

yall these monthly blog posts are making me realize how fast time flies ..... its both a good thing and a bad thing LOL

november favorites 

book: its gotta be our book club choice; I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman. i'll give my opinions on probably sometime in the middle of the month bc i wanna give ppl some time to finish it!!

skincare product: ITS GOTTA BE THE AESTURA ATOBARRIER365 CERAMIDE CREAM MIST. i fking eat this shit up LOL like i love it as a last step in my regimen but also randomly reapply if im at home w no makeup bc i LOVE THE MOISTURE

body care: the sol de janeiro bom dia bright cream! my mom had this in the bathroom when i visited washington and it smells just like her old perfume and so i have been using it bc i miss her :')

makeup product: STAR LIT DIAMOND POWDER by Makeup Forever ive been using this for years but its my tried and true FAV glitter to add to my eyelids. a lot of ppl asked about what i was using on my insta story so HERE IT IS <3 im literally obsessed with it bc its SOOO fine its perfect

snack: Haitai Sindangdong Tteokbokki Chips GOT THESE IN KOREA AND IM BEYOND SAD THAT I CANT GET THESE IN THE STATES but if you EVER have the chance, theyre so yummy but also can get a little sickening LOL

song: Ma Meilleure Ennemie by Stromae and Pomme. YOU ALREADY KNOW. ARCANE <33

ok but also honorary mention of The Mercy of the Wind by Million Eyes bc i LOVE instrumentals

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november thoughts: 

my oh my

WHERE TO START

this month has been weeks of putting myself outside of my comfort zone LOL

ive been in the recording studio twice now and did a random ass clove cosplay for riot and then had to roleplay in an otv shoot and then flew to mfking korea to do some crazy shit and DEAR LORD HAHA

i dont know how to explain how i feel other than ITS BEEN A LONG MONTH OF FEELING INADEQUATE LOLLL and i know thats terrible but i truly think i hate doing anything im not good at but hey thats how we learn and grow tips hat

ALSO i got my allergy tests all done this month. if youre real curious, im allergic to cow and goat dairy, strawberries, coconut, hazelnut, peanut, green peas, and halibut (all level 2 out of 5). basically allergic to literally everything that grows outside (level 5 to all grass types and most trees LOL). cats, dogs, horses, rabbits (2/5). and then not even mention the ingredients list dear lord: Benzisothiazolinone (BIT), Benzoic Acid, Iodopropynyl Butylcarbamate, Methylisothiazolinone (MI), Propylene Glycol, Black Rubber Mix, Fragrance Mix 1, Quaternium 15, Methylchloroisothiazolinone-Methylisothiazolinone (MCI/MI), Amidoamine (Stearamidopropyl Dimethylamine), Balsam of Peru (Myroxylon Pereirae Resin) (BOP), Dimethylaminopropylamine (DMAPA), Cl Me-Isothiazolinone (MCI/MI), Carba Mix, Fragrance Mix 2.

LOL BRUH

anyways its been a bITCH trying to read every little ingredient on the back of a box when im shopping

I MISS MY CATS SO MUCH MAN

but i prob wont bring them home until i start my immunotherapy bc ur girl do be allergic

HMM WHAT ELSE IS ON MY MIND

ok this might feel real dramatic but lately ive been feeling so meh about life like i dont really know where im going or what im doing and i feel pretty lost

its been harder for me stream with the hours i have to give to offlinetv but also its just been harder to be on camera as well. thats not new but its getting worse?

i am going to try and eloquently express this so bear with me but it feels like.... i have to prove i am a 'pretty girl' all the time? and this doesnt only come down to streaming; i feel like this in my every day life

i feel like a lot of women honestly prob feel like this bc there is SO much pressure on us to presentably show up but im tired

im also exhausted having to be fashionable too? which is strange bc ive always loved expressing myself through fashion but im so tired? im in my simple-tshirt-and-jeans era and thats ok

following that thought, i think i just feel so utterly UGLY when i dont have makeup and i remember thinking 'i cant wait to grow up and not have to wear makeup' when i was younger in relation to my acne. l o l. if only she knew

sometimes i mourn the years that have passed where i feel so unconfident about myself

i truly am always fighting tooth and nail to love myself and im not really sure ill ever get there LOL like i just wanna not have to wear full coverage foundation to feel beautiful IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

i feel like i dont even recognize myself in the mirror anymore

welp that was all really heavy HAHA

ok on a more positive note

i think i also realize that this is mostly all in my head and my thoughts are what create my reality so with time, and probably lots of meditation, ill get there one day

i feel really sappy when i write this but honestly my most positive experiences lately stem from john so LOLOL

but he does really take good care of me. even the little things like when were on the plane, he would grab and put out the tray for me to prepare for meals. he always takes my heaviest suitcase and switches it with his own so he pushes mine and i push his. :')

heres to november, and cheers to december hopefully being one for the books <3

thank you for reading and as always, for the support ;-; i cherish this community and i am sending LOVE AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS your way!!!! ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧