Days Gone By Chapter 3

"...war has a way of sapping your faith, draining your will and breaking your spirit. It takes from you your hopes and convictions, challenges your ideals and beliefs, and wears away at you like an ocean upon a cliff. How does one man alone face such an unrelenting force? Simply, we don't."

-Ch. 1: Red Skies, Days Gone By, A Memoir From the Gallian Front

Chapter Three

Leaving Bruhl was one of the hardest things many of the militia had to do. I understood it, I guess. Losing a home to someone who wanted it just to have it. I just... blood was spilled for Bruhl. Mine, and others as well. It was a bitter pill for everyone, though many tried not to show it, but you could tell, if you looked. The tightening of eyes, the hardening of lips, the feeling of haste and tension. The signs of a people who'd lost their lives, both literally and figuratively.

These were people's homes, their livelihoods, their friends and families, all gone because of a petty asshole who wanted a piece of dirt. I didn't pretend to grasp it. I really didn't. I just... was it really worth this? All the death, all the violence, all the damage? I couldn't say. I didn't want to. It felt like it would have cheapened the sacrifices made today, trying to justify it all. Whatever the reason, it was. I'd been there, in the thick of it. I knew.

I could still hear the cracking of gunfire in the distance, though it was much removed. Other militia units from around the town were sprinkling in, people who'd been cut off during the initial push but were finally able to move now that the main Imperial advance had been thinned out. We'd had an influx to bolster the already beleaguered watchmen, including a few much needed anti-tank teams that had been frustratingly absent earlier.

Still, we'd bought ourselves at least a little time. From what I'd heard, the few remaining Imps were mostly outliers that hadn't pulled back at this point while the main body of the advance recovered to the northeast. At least that's what the scouts told us, but it looked like they were already being reinforced. Navigating the town would take time, though, enough for the last of the evacuation to finish out. Still, steps were being taken to slow down anyone who decided to follow us. Improvised mines, mostly, but that would be enough to garner some measure of attention on their own and hopefully jam up the Imps long enough for us to put some distance between us.

In the meantime I was busying myself with helping load the trucks, hauling up boxes and bags and in some cases people onto a set of flatbed cargo haulers that were rapidly running out of space. Most of the locals were gone already, but there was still enough of a trickle coming in that we were hesitant to leave any sooner than we had to, though that was almost purely subjective to what the scouts were telling us. We would need to get moving sooner rather than later.

That last second victory had been heartening for a lot of people, though. They took the last stand of the militia and turned it into something grand. More than a few people had walked up, greeted, even thanked me for my part. There were... whispers, rumors even, going on about it. I'd heard some things, here and there, hinted at the edges of conversation, aborted statements when I got close, about what people thought about it. More than a few hardliners wanted to see if we could stay behind and cause more trouble, but the people in charge were less apt to throw lives away for just another black eye.

I was glad for that, at least. For us, for now, the fighting was done. Cold comfort, I knew, but it was enough to make a difference. I sighed, hauling another crate up. The simple action was somewhat comforting, really. Something I could do without really needing to focus while being productive at the same time. It helped keep my mind off things, let me focus on something easy, simple.

I moved to grab another, and noticed a few of the militia had wandered over. They'd been out and about, helping where they could. One nodded to me as they walked by, and the other started talking to him in a hushed tone. I pretended to ignore it while listening in as I lifted another crate up.

"...him?" I heard the first one say. The one who'd nodded to me whispered back a yes. "Big guy, huh? I'd heard..." The man trailed off. I stopped listening after that. I'd already 'heard' what he was about to say. The rumors had been drifting around since the line regrouped and the evacuation started finishing out. More than a few watchmen and even a few of the remaining townsfolk had asked me about it.

'Did you really jump on a tank?' or 'I'd heard you killed a dozen of those Imp bastards.' or 'Good work breaking up that advance!' or a dozen variations thereof. I'd gotten more than a few pats on the back, kind words, congratulations, adulations and every other form of thanks from the beleaguered defenders, and what's more, a dozen and a half questions asking all the same thing.

'What happened?'

I didn't extrapolate. I couldn't. Even as I think about it now with a calm head, I can hardly imagine it. I was... I was lucky. I was stupid and wild and got away with it because of sheer chance. I was impulsive and it paid off, and if I had had time to think I know I would have called myself insane and hung my hat up then. Still, they cheered me on. Called me hero and champion and a dozen other things, and they roared and called my name.

They didn't ask why Noce and Juliette weren't with me. I didn't say, either.

I didn't tell them that I had been running on adrenaline and autopilot, not thinking, not planning, just reacting. It wouldn't have mattered, I don't think. Most of it had already been blown out of all proportion. The image they saw when they spoke to me was of a man with no limits to his raw courage and bravado. They said I rode a tank like a horse. That I could tear steel hatches open with my bare hands. That I could gun men down by the dozens. That I was brave, and forthright, and unflinching.

I'd never been more terrified in my life.

But I didn't say that. Not to them. Not then. Of the thirty men that had stayed to hold the gate, only a paltry dozen survived. Most of them were hurt, bleeding, some badly, some worse, and they... they needed a win. They needed to be more than just survivors right then, and I knew it. So I cheered, and I roared, and I hooted and hollered and cried victory. I was their hero, then. So I played the part, and choked down my terror and my pain and my exhaustion and just... lied.

I let out a shuddering breath.

"Hey." I turned and saw Alicia walking up to me, her face as grimy as mine, no doubt, with a hard look in her eyes that hadn't been there before. "There you are. I've been looking around for you, Mr. Finch." She gave me a strained smile, a feeling I could relate. I returned the gesture with a wave.

"Alicia. Good to see you made it through." I said with as much warmth as I could muster. It was hard trying to hide the exhaustion in my voice, and I doubt I managed it, but she didn't comment. We were all tired, doubly so since most of the militia were working on finishing out the evacuation. "And please, at this point it's Jerry. I'm no mister." I chuckled, a bit ruefully at that.

She gave me a smile and a nod. "Alright. Jerry. I can do that. Glad to see you made it through, too. I'd heard some of the rumors but..." I gave her a look, and she shrugged, "It's not important. Like I said, I've been looking around for you."

"Fair enough. So what can I do you for, kid?" I asked, cocking my head and glancing down at her. Not for the first time I noticed how tall I was compared to the girl. At almost six foot four, I really did tower over most of these people, and while I wasn't built, I did clock in at around 230 pounds, much of it muscle. Compared to Alicia, and indeed most of the people here, I was kinda gigantic. It was an idle thought, but I made sure to seem less... loomy regardless.

She glanced around, before motioning for me to follow her. "I don't know if you've heard, but the Imps have regrouped and are moving back into the town. The mines and collapses are slowing them down a bit but... we're down to minutes here. Most of the evacuation is already underway, though, but there's a concern about-" I half-listened, noticing more and more militia were showing up around us.

More than a few also stopped and wound up staring at us as we passed, and I started to hear some muttering as I followed Alicia.

"...that him? Heard he..." One started, I don't know who, but it was behind me.

"...said they saw a dozen dead Imps down there..." I'd heard another, this one to the left.

"...said they saw him jump on a tank..." A third.

"...heard it was two..." His friend, and I heard the awe, the incredulity. I didn't blame him. I mean, there were two tanks but-

"...said he was all over the place, popping up like a ghost..." I... hadn't heard that one. I mean, I covered a fair bit of ground-

"...no, no, it was more like twenty..." I winced a bit at that. I didn't have to guess what he was talking about. God, how many did I...?

"...cut a man's head off with that big knife of his..." I felt myself pale at that one. I didn't- it wasn't-

"...killed 'em without even blinking..."

"...chased the Imp front like a demon..."

"...walked right up behind an Imp line and cut them down..."

"...didn't stop once, even with his guts torn open..."

"...like some kind of machine, just kept on shooting..."

I slowed down, glancing around. The muttering drifted to a halt as I met the eyes of the men and women around me, keeping my face as blank as I could, if only to stop myself from breaking down. This... Jesus, they made me sound like... like... I glanced at Alicia, and she just shook her head, slightly, subtly, and started walking again. I gave one more look around before moving on to what looked like an ad-hoc staging area.

"...By the Valkyrur, could cut a man down with that stare alone..."

I waited a moment, making sure there weren't any of the watchmen around before turning back to Alicia. She'd stopped as we moved beyond the eyes of the militiamen and women and I shot her a hard stare.

"What was that all about?" I asked as the silence dragged, and she gave me a hiked look.

"What do you think, Jerry? Stories about what you did are spreading like wildfire." She said after a moment. "What you did during the offensive... it's not a secret, and the stories are getting crazier with each retelling. They say you feel no pain, no fear. That you were hunting the Imps, stalking them like some kind of predator. Killing them and then vanishing into the smoke and dust, only to pop out somewhere else and kill more." She stopped, fixing me with a look, though what it was I couldn't tell. Her eyes were as cloudy as the smoke-drenched sky. "Already some of the townspeople are calling you the Lion of Bruhl, you know? And from the sound of the stories, it's not an undeserved title."

"What the hell for? The way they were talking about it-" I started, but she gave me a dry laugh.

"Makes it sound like you're unstoppable? Terrifying? Fearless? Does it really surprise you? Jerry, we sent some troops to collect Noce and Juliette, and the men came back with stories about how it's a slaughterhouse down there. Dozens of dead Imp soldiers, several scrapped tanks, bullet holes and casings everywhere... And that was before militia outliers had started to filter in, some of whom swear up and down they saw you rip open one of those tanks and murder the crew with your bare hands. And that's the least of what they're saying."

"Alicia, I'm telling you right now that's not how it happened. I-" I said, but she cut me off at the knees.

"You think that matters? Already the rumors are spreading. You jumped on a tank, Jerry. We saw you do it. There were bodies everywhere, most of them bearing wounds from an automatic weapon, like yours. There are grenade craters everywhere, and more than a few people saw you carrying enough of those for a squad and a half."

I stopped, eyes narrowed, and I wanted more than anything to tell her that was bullshit. To tell her that's not how it happened, that what it was, all of it, was from a mix of panic and desperation. I wanted to deny it, all of it. That it was just me trying to keep my own hide intact and nothing more. Tell her that it was because of me that Noce and Juliette were gunned down, that it was because I got pinned that Noce was out of position, that he'd tried to help me and it got him and Juliette shot dead and I did nothing to help them.

Tell her that I wasn't some big hero. That I was just... lucky. Lucky and terrified, and that was all.

But I didn't. I could see it in her eyes, she wouldn't believe me. Maybe she couldn't. She thought I was being modest, maybe, or respectful or whatever. The truth mattered less than the fiction, I knew it. I could see it in her eyes, much as I hated it, and I was just... too damn tired to fight that battle. I had enough of that for one day, thank you.

I massaged my eyes, and when I looked back at her I could tell Alicia had made her point. I just gave a tired sigh and shook my head, more out of frustration than anything, but Alicia almost seemed to preen a bit at winning that argument. And as much as I hated to say it, there was probably no stopping the rumors and the stories by now anyway. Still, one question remained.

"Was there a point to all that, then?" I eventually ground out sorely. "Is there something you want?" I didn't meet her eyes, instead looking off over her shoulder. In the distance I could see people stop and stare in my direction. I couldn't hear the whispers, the muttering, but I knew what they were saying.

They called me a hero. The man who spent the entire fight running piss scared from one end of this godforsaken town to the other. They made it sound like it was some great act of heroism, some brilliant strategy, but it wasn't. Half the day I didn't even know where I was, and the other half I was wandering in circles. Dumb luck wound me up behind the Imp front and superior firepower bought me little more than moments to breathe as I fled from one spot to another. This was comedy at it's finest.

But... but I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of bleeding. This... this was all wrong, all spiraling out of control already and there wasn't anything I could do about it. There was no point in fighting a river. It just flowed around you. No point in fighting the wind. You couldn't touch it. No point in fighting the earth, because you would break long before it did, and there was no fighting this. You can't fight beliefs or ideals. You can only fail to live up to them.

I knew that from personal experience.

"Look, I know you aren't happy with this, but it is what it is. I don't know how much you know about the aftermath of that last push, but we're... not doing so well. Most of our captains were here holding the line, and several of them didn't make it. Mr. Laakan didn't survive it either, and we lost almost half the militia we had there. Without your intervention they would have smashed their way through us as soon as those tanks got into position." She said without a hint of unease. Her voice was terse, her face neutral, distant, almost, and her gaze wasn't on me, not really.

Truth be told, I don't think either of us were doing all that well. I shut my eyes and dropped a hand on her shoulder, taking a deep breath and letting my agitation drain out. I wasn't the only one who'd had a rough time handling things. I shouldn't act like it. This wasn't the time, and we both knew it. I was angry, frustrated even, but the rage wasn't going to help me here. It wasn't going to help either of us.

"Alicia, what do you need?" I asked, my tone less sharp. I wasn't mad at her. I shouldn't take it out on her. She didn't deserve that, at the least. Not after today.

I could feel her untense a bit. "I wanted to know if you would be willing to take command of a fireteam." She said, finally, and it brought me up short. I shook my head and barked a laugh. It wasn't a happy sound.

"That didn't work out so well last time, kid. Laakan put me with Noce and Juliette, and neither of them walked away from that, and so your solution is to ask me to do it again, to lead them? It'll only get them killed." I said with a flat look. She didn't look like she agreed, but Noce and Juliette might. I didn't think I had to say it.

"Noce and Juliette knew the risks when they joined the Watch. You can't beat yourself up for that."

"Can't I? Alicia, I was so helpless to stop them from dying that I might as well have been the one that pulled the trigger. Not even considering that, I don't have the training, the experience, and hell, most of these people don't even know me. I'm the 'Lion of Bruhl' to them, nothing more than a title, if that. I'm not going to put people at risk." I said, more tired than angry, my arms crossing as I glanced away from her, out across the plaza. My eyes travelled from one soldier to the next, from old men with old rifles to young men with bright eyes and dirty faces. Women, too, many of whom had proven to be just as fierce and just as courageous as their fellows. All of them deserve the title of hero. Not like me.

I started as I felt a hand wrap around one of my own. I glanced back at the brunette, the girl, no woman who looked at me with hard eyes. Determined eyes. A good look for her, to be sure. I opened my mouth to say something, but she just shook her head. "That's bullshit and you know it, Mr. Finch. They were at risk the second the Imps came into town and they knew it. Fighting with you, helping you, they made a difference, slowing down the advance. They died, but they knew what the chances for surviving that were, and they still volunteered. They trusted you to make a difference, and you did." She said, giving me a half smile. "People are looking up to you Jerry. My people. Bruhl's people. You're their Lion. They believe in you, trust you, and you need to trust yourself. I think Noce and Juliette would approve."

"And if the fighting picks up, what then? I'm not trained for this, you know? I've never led anyone in anything in my life. I wouldn't even know where to start." I sighed, finally. "I'm not even a soldier, kid. I'm just a guy with a gun. What makes you think I can do this?"

"Because you chose to stay and fight." That brought me up short. Did that really make that much of a difference? I didn't believe it, but she thought so. "Besides, you won't be alone. Welkin and I, and the other captains too, we're there to back each other up. We'd back you up, too. Don't think you'd be the only captain that's playing it by ear." She said as I stared up into the sky. We both knew where this was going. I was too far in to walk away now, but I didn't like this. I really didn't. There was something in my gut that was telling me that this was a bad idea, and I agreed. I was just going to get more people killed.

But Alicia wasn't going to let this go, was she? I still didn't budge. "Alicia, no. I already got two people killed because I had no idea what I was doing. Giving me more people to get killed is a stupid fucking idea and deep down you know it."

"No, Jerry, it's not. Noce and Juliette might be gone, but they knew what they were walking into. You can't be afraid of this. Not now. We need you. You're a hero-"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" I all but growled at her, but she just stared right back at me despite the fact that I was towering over her. She narrowed her eyes, and in them I could see such fire, such raw strength. I bit my tongue.

"Damn it, Finch, you are. Remember when we first met? You could have walked away. You almost did, and we both know it, but you didn't, did you? Why? Why didn't you back down then? Hm? And again at the gate, you could have walked away then, too, free and clear, but you didn't. You have doubts, I know. You're scared. Hell, we're all scared Jerry. But you didn't back down then. You could have, but you didn't, so what changed now? You have courage in you, I've seen it. You have conviction, and will, and drive. You can do it, you know it, but you have to try." She said, jamming a finger into my chest.

"You screwed up. Learn from it. You're a symbol now, Jerry. These people, they don't know you. They don't know who you are or who you were and neither do I, and you know what? We don't care. It's what you did that matters to us. You saved my life and Welkin's when you could have run. You stood up and took on a suicidal mission to stop the Imp advance, and you did it! You fought like a Valkyrur out there and we all saw it and now? Now you're a hero, whether you like it or not, and I hate to ask, we hate to ask, but we need you to stand up and be that person again."

I slumped against the side of a building and just stared at the girl, at this little slip of a thing that barely came up to my chest, who just ripped me a new asshole. I just... goddamn. It was almost comical to think about. She just... stared at me with all the conviction and belief in the world and gave me a swift, unforgiving kick in the balls for sitting here and moping. I had no words for that. I just couldn't help it. I let out an honest laugh at how absurd it all was, and couldn't stop when she jerked at the sound.

I just laughed harder, and for a few moments things were... less troubled. I felt better. More... well, me, I guess. More human. Less stuck on the details, and maybe a little more in tune with the big picture.

"Hah, alright, fine." I said finally, still chuckling as Alicia blinked. I don't think she was expecting that, but even then, it was cathartic. "This is going to end in blood and tears, I just know it, but fine." Still grinning, I let out a tired sigh. "But I'm blaming you when things go tits up. Just want you to know that."

Alicia just smiled and nodded. I hauled myself up off the wall, breathing deep and letting out the exhaustion, the pain, the doubt and clearing my head in the process. So now I was a hero huh? I just shook my head at the absurdity as Alicia started walking towards Welkin and his tank. I just followed along.

"Good! Alright, good. Let me go grab the other captains and introduce you, and then we'll get you up to speed. Right now the Imps are still regrouping, but the scouts are telling us they're massing at..." I half-listened to her as she led me to the small command post where Welkin and the other captains were planning, all the while ignoring the dark thoughts that lingered in the back of my head.

The day was almost over, but our work wasn't done, and I couldn't help but wonder just how many more days like today lie ahead of me. My war, our war, was just beginning, and the chill in my gut told me only one thing. It was far from over.