THOUGHTS.

I just really need to write this down.

I was watching this video I randomly clicked on Youtube titled How Fascination Leads to Your Authentic Self. What the artist said in this video maybe seems obvious, but it got me thinking. She had a few good points.

One statement she made - how do you get people to pay attention to what you're doing? By being fascinated by that thing first.

Listen, while my income is now dependent on people paying attention to me, sex sells and "getting attention" is not what him really seeking advice on. I've never been much of a saleswoman anyways.

But the point is that people are drawn to listen or watch when you are doing the thing that makes you tick. What gets you excited, or makes your pulse race. So, for instance, if I'm less fascinated by sex now...it kinda shows in my work. If I'm fascinated by lingerie design or painting, my intrigue can shine through.

What happens when social media, and your job, revolves around...just being fascinated with yourself, with how you look?

I'm all for self-confidence and loving your body, but I swear aliens must be looking down on us Instagram models thinking this is the most socially-acceptable narcissist movement in all of human history.

I have a few friends who are just now embarking on the Insta-ho, social media model/influencer path. Its hard to watch, because...I guess it's so different than how I ever approached it. For them it seems all about followers and algorithms and a calculated game. I started because of a fascination with my own body as a medium for art, I guess. Not really with any goal or purpose other than to create beauty. I never thought anyone would be interested, and I certainly never thought I would be making a living doing it.

When your Self becomes your Job, it's confusing. Maybe other content creator people don't struggle with this as much as I do. But it's pushing me to look at the stuff that used to fascinate me. Do I even have hobbies anymore? I feel like I spend all my time making content, stressing, doing tedious admin work, and making the never-ending rounds of catching up socially with the people I care about.

My hobbies, interests, or fascinations when I was in high school used to be:

• art - especially cheesy romantic stuff like Maxfield Parrish, anything figurative especially with the female form
• old sci-fi books. Like Asimov, Vonnegut, Bradbury, Clarke, etc.
• fantasy - books, movies, art, computer games. Especially anything with a sword-wielding, horny heroine
• sexuality - erotic art, not really porn as much, but more indirect stuff like illustration
• astronomy - Carl Sagan, some physics, and concepts like chaos theory, etc
• historical romance books, movies, especially celtic stuff
• fashion - sewing, and the ability to transform

There's more but those are the first that come to mind.

The things that fascinate me now are psychedelics, self perception and how we interact with our own ego, abstract art (something I didn't hold much space for before), fashion and lingerie design, and photographing or filming people in ways that make them feel confident and beautiful.

I know there is something yet to discover that will fascinate me. I also wonder if I revisited an old intrigue, like sci-fi books I haven't read yet, if it would spark some curiosity in me again.

Thank you for listening : )