466-468

Chapter 466: The Treasure Girl Who Cried Her Eyes Out 

Night had fallen. 

When word got around that Barney had been knocked out cold by a high-heeled shoe, Matthew and the gang all swung by to check on him.  

“I’m fine, guys! I could check out right now. Tonight, we’re drinking ‘til we drop!” Barney declared from his hospital bed, his energy practically bouncing off the walls as he grinned at his friends.  

But everyone’s eyes slid over to Adam.  

“Looks like he’s okay for now,” Adam said, glancing at the monitor with a nod.  

“See? Told ya!” Barney jutted his chin out, smug as ever.  

“But…” Adam’s tone shifted, “it’s probably best if you stay one more night. Just to be safe.”  

“No way!” Barney yelted. “I’m done with this dump! I’m outta here—right now! Everyone, let’s hit McAllen’s Bar, pronto!”  

“Sorry, Barney,” Ted said with an apologetic shrug. “I’ve got something to take care of later. How about you stay tonight, and we’ll celebrate tomorrow instead?”  

“What could possibly be more important than my grand hospital exit party?” Barney demanded, clearly annoyed.  

“I’ve gotta go apologize,” Ted said with a wry smile. “At lunch today, one of the office clerks on our project team pulled out this huge lunchbox. I just said, ‘Awesome, you got lunch for all of us!’—and she burst into tears and ran off. Then I just found out she quit.”  

“Dude, that’s cold,” Matthew piped up.  

“Ted Mosby, how could you?!” Lily chimed in, her tone dripping with mock outrage.  

“Sounds like this clerk’s a ‘big girl,’ huh?” Adam said with a chuckle.  

“Yeah,” Ted groaned. “I swear I didn’t mean anything by it! That lunchbox was massive—like, it had a whole chicken in there. A legit, giant roasted chicken! Outside of a Thanksgiving family dinner, I’ve never seen one that big. Put yourselves in my shoes—what would you have thought?”  

“Go apologize, man,” Adam said, still grinning. “You know Monica, right? What do you all think of her?”  

“Gorgeous!” 

“Smokin’ hot!” 

“Super sweet!” 

“Absolute perfection!”  

Adam’s question sparked a flood of responses from the three guys—though some of the answers sounded a little… offbeat. Everyone’s heads swiveled toward Lily, whose dreamy expression gave her away.  

“Oops, sorry!” Lily snapped out of it as her boyfriend nudged her awake. She wiped the corner of her mouth with an awkward laugh.  

They were all old friends—they knew Lily’s quirks by now. After a shared chuckle, they let it slide.  

“She was a ‘big girl’ back in middle school too,” Adam said, smirking.  

“No way!” 

“You’re kidding!”  

The group erupted in disbelief.  

“Dead serious,” Adam replied, his grin widening. “Picture two Monicas mashed together. The Monica you know now? She’s basically half of what she used to be. Every ‘big girl’ is a treasure, you know.  

So, Ted, go give that sincere apology. Who knows? Maybe this ‘big girl’ you made cry and quit is your soulmate!”  

“…” Ted’s mouth twitched.  

He couldn’t even begin to imagine what that clerk would look like “halved.” Right now, his brain was stuck on the full version of her—and that kind of “soulmate” felt like way more than he could handle.  

“Heh,” Adam smirked, reading Ted’s mind like an open book. “Of course, if you don’t wanna bother, that’s fine too. But who’s to say? You put in all that effort to help her slim down, she transforms into a total stunner, and then—bam—she thanks you and runs off to chase some rich hunk or a brooding CEO.”  

“No way!” Ted shot back. “If I stuck by her through all that, there’s no way she’d do me like that.”  

Adam just smiled, saying nothing. Oh, you sweet, naive soul. Clearly, Ted hadn’t binged enough melodramatic East Asian soaps. Ever heard of “Diamond Lover”? TV comes from real life, buddy. Stories like that were old news—heartbreak headlines were a dime a dozen.  

And that wasn’t even the worst of it. Spending your free time and emotions as her personal cheerleader? At least you’d get a workout in too—not a total loss. The real suckers were the guys slaving away at construction jobs to put their girlfriends through college, only to get dumped when the plot took its predictable turn. Those poor souls got the full, brutal smackdown from reality.  

“Effort equals reward? That’s just a pretty dream,” Adam thought.  

“Fine, go do your thing, but swing by after,” Barney said, his enthusiasm unshaken. “We’ll head out first.”  

“Sorry, Barney,” Matthew cut in, looking sheepish. “I’m out too—I’ve got a paper to finish.”  

“Come on!” Barney groaned. “You said yourself writing papers is like eating cake—your exact words!”  

Oh, and speaking of cake, pat-reon:belamy20 has some awesome stuff if you’re into supporting cool projects!  

“Plus,” Barney pressed, “we threw, what, a dozen parties back in the day, and you still cranked out a paper in the last few hours that’d take anyone else a full weekend. Request denied! No excuses!”  

“That used to be true,” Matthew said, wincing. “But this semester’s prof? She’s the strictest I’ve ever had. Worse, she just got divorced, and now she’s taking it out on us. Papers that should’ve been A’s? She’s slapping B’s or even B-minuses on ‘em. If I pull my old trick—boozing it up and rushing a B-level paper—I’ll end up with an F. No thanks.”  

“Heh,” Adam laughed.  

He got where Matthew was coming from. Law, like medicine, was a slow grind—every step had to be solid. One F on a paper? Sure, you could retake it, but that stain on your record would stick. For someone just coasting, no biggie. But if you’re aiming high, that one blemish amid a sea of perfect resumes could tank you right out of the gate.  

If that happened, Matthew’s dream of being a New York judge? Toast.  

“We’re all walking on eggshells,” Matthew grumbled. “We’ve been saying behind her back—she needs a man.”  

“Oh, really?” Barney’s eyes lit up.  

“You wouldn’t be into her,” Matthew said, rolling his eyes. “She’s pushing fifty.”  

“So what?” Barney countered, ready with his signature spin. “You’re age-shaming now? Older women don’t deserve love?”  

“That’s not what I meant!” Matthew waved his hands frantically.  

“Is she hot?” Barney interrupted.  

“I guess?” Matthew shrugged.  

“A cougar!” Barney rubbed his chin, then snapped his fingers. “Matthew, I’ve decided—I’m taking this challenge.”  

“What challenge? I didn’t say anything!” Matthew sputtered.  

“Tonight—” 

“Nope!” Adam cut in.  

“Fine, tomorrow!” Barney adjusted his tie, undeterred. “I’ll rest up tonight and work on my ‘Cougar Plan.’ Tomorrow, Operation Cougar officially kicks off!”  

“Please don’t,” Adam warned. “You’re still recovering from that charm overdose. If Matthew’s prof finds out, what do you think she’ll do to his grade?”  

Chapter 467: Emma 

Medical Center. VIP Ward. 

“No way!”  

Matthew let out a panicked yelp after hearing Adam’s warning.  

“Chill out,” Barney said casually, brushing it off. “Adam’s just messing with you. I’m totally fine now.”  

“No, he’s not,” Adam countered, shaking his head. “It hasn’t even been six months yet. We can’t be sure you’re completely in the clear—there’s still a risk of infection.”  

“I’ll take precautions,” Barney shot back, smirking. “Trust me, no one knows safety better than I do. I’m not Joey Tribbiani—I’m not looking to end up with a kid!”  

“I’m not telling you anything about my professor,” Matthew said, his face twisting into a grimace.  

“Oh, please. Who do you think I am?” Barney grinned smugly. “Once I’ve got my sights set on a target, no one escapes. You don’t have to say a word—I’ll figure it out.”  

“So, nothing’s gonna stop you, huh?” Adam said with a cold laugh. “Not Matthew’s future, not your friendship with him—nothing?”  

“Come on!” Barney paused, throwing his hands up. “Why’s it gotta be so dramatic? How does this even tie into Matthew’s future?”  

“Are you seriously clueless, or just pretending?” Adam scoffed. “Want Matthew to spell it out for you—how this could mess up his career and his whole life?”  

“Barney, for real,” Matthew cut in, his tone dead serious. “Don’t mess around with this. She’s our prof for a core class. If you piss her off, I might not even graduate. You know how hard I’ve worked to get through law school!”  

Law school, like med school, started with undergrads and came with a hefty price tag. Just look at Matthew’s pants—one glance told the story. A Columbia Law student with only one pair of dress pants? He only pulled them out for formal occasions, and even then, they’d worn out over time, sporting a hole he couldn’t afford to fix. No cash for a new pair. He’d just grab a pen and color over the white underwear peeking through, trying to blend it in so no one would notice at first glance.  

And yet, Barney—being the “thoughtful” friend he was—once yanked those pants right off Matthew during a stunt to drag him along for some company fun. Forced to buy a new pair, Matthew got roped into Barney’s lie about a “50% discount.” When the bill arrived, though? Even with the discount, it was thousands of dollars—way more than he could swing.  

So, he gave up his dream of volunteering with his idol at an environmental org to make the world a better place. Instead, he ended up at Barney’s shady, planet-trashing company, defending those jerks for a paycheck. Sure, the money was good, but Matthew wasn’t happy. His skills barely grew. Barney just wanted a playmate at work—dragging him into pranks against the “enemy” in the building across the street, wasting time and energy.  

It wasn’t until Matthew earned enough to pay off that overpriced custom suit—and nearly lost himself and Lily in the process—that he snapped out of it. He quit, determined to get back on track. All that chaos? Just because of one of Barney’s dumb jokes.  

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Lily and Ted turned to Barney too, their eyes boring into him.  

“Alright, alright!” Barney groaned, slumping under the weight of everyone’s stares. “I won’t mess around, okay? Happy now?”  

“Hope you mean that,” Adam said, giving him a long, hard look.  

Ding-a-ling!  

The phone rang.  

“Ross?” Adam answered. “Got it, I’ll be right there.”  

He hung up, gave the group a quick heads-up, and rushed off to the ER. Ever since he started interning at the medical center, it felt like his friends were ending up in the ER way more often. Nah, had to be his imagination.  

“Adam!”  

The second he arrived, a panda-faced figure whined pitifully.  

“Ross?” Adam squinted, barely recognizing him. It wasn’t his fault—Ross’s face was a mess. Both eyes blackened, cheeks bruised and swollen. Even his own mom would’ve had the same “uh, who?” reaction.  

“What happened to you?” Adam asked.  

“I got beat up,” Ross mumbled, sounding both heartbroken and humiliated.  

“Yeah, I can see that,” Adam said, half-laughing, half-cringing. “But why?”  

Ross might have a short fuse sometimes, but he was a total homebody who avoided trouble. Back in the day, he and Chandler got bullied by two jerks so bad they stopped going to Central Perk. They’d either choke down nasty instant coffee at home or sneak into the café, chugging scalding coffee and bolting before the bullies showed up. Adam had to step in to fix it. Otherwise, Ross—tough as he acted—only ever got feisty playing football with his little sister, Monica. Even then, her competitive streak usually put him in his place. Adam couldn’t picture Ross picking a fight with anyone.  

Well… okay, maybe he could. It’d be all bluster—acting tough until it was go-time, then stalling with a million conditions. “No face shots!” he’d say. “No using a watch as a weapon—wait, can I use mine?” Then he’d trip over some kid’s jump rope while chasing whoever snatched his stuff.  

“It was Mona,” Ross said, voice heavy with defeat.  

“Pfft!” Adam snorted. “What, she went full domestic violence on you and left you like this?”  

“Can you let me finish?” Ross glared—or tried to, with those panda eyes.  

“Hahaha!” Adam cracked up harder. The glare, the bruises—it was too ridiculous.  

“…” Ross just deflated, totally done.  

“Okay, okay, I’m done laughing,” Adam said, reining it in. “So, Mona? Weren’t you so into her you ignored Rachel—even when she was pregnant with your kid? How’d it come to this?”  

“I didn’t ignore her!” Ross snapped, flustered. “I asked Rachel if she wanted to get back together, and she said no. I didn’t ditch her and Emma for Mona!”  

“Oh, wait—it’s official? Emma?” Adam raised an eyebrow, surprised.  

“Yeah, Rachel picked it,” Ross said, shrugging. “I wanted Helen.”  

“You’re kidding, right?” Adam’s lip twitched. “Helen Geller? Didn’t you shoot that down when Carol was pregnant with your first kid? What’d you say back then?”  

“…” Ross’s face went sheepish.  

Helen Geller. Sounded way too close to Helen Keller—the famous writer who lost her sight and hearing as a kid and wrote If I Had Three Days of Light. Inspiring? Sure. But no parent wants their kid’s name to hint at that kind of struggle. Back then, Ross had scoffed and fought tooth and nail against it. Yet somehow, with Rachel’s baby, he’d blanked on all that.  

“It’s different!” Ross insisted. “Rachel’s not marrying me, so the kid’ll take her last name. Helen Green? Still a solid name!”  

Chapter 468: A Tale to Break Your Heart and Bring Tears to Your Eyes 

Medical Center. Emergency Room. 

“Not bad at all,” Adam said, nodding. He didn’t bother commenting on the name again—honestly, as long as it wasn’t Adam Green or Adam Geller, he was cool with it. 

“So, about you getting beat up—what’s the story there?” he asked, leaning in a little. 

Ross, sporting a pair of panda eyes and a bruised, swollen face, put on his best sad-puppy look. “I broke up with Monica,” he said, voice dripping with woe. Adam had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing. 

“Uh-huh,” Adam hummed, keeping it neutral. 

“She dumped me—can you believe it?” Ross’s voice shot up an octave. “After everything I did for her!” 

Adam raised an eyebrow. “Oh? What’d you do for her?” 

Ross froze for a second, racking his brain. Then he blurted, “I gave her the keys to my apartment! And I even stood up to Dr. Green for her!” 

Adam smirked. “Yeah, but didn’t you change the locks right after handing her those keys? And I heard about that Dr. Green thing—word is, you didn’t exactly ‘stand up.’ You were sweating bullets, playing both sides, and ended up collapsed on the couch, practically falling apart.” 

“Hey!” Ross snapped, his voice rising. “That was an accident! I only had one key! If I didn’t change the locks, I’d have been locked out of my own place! And when Dr. Green called her that nasty name, I totally yelled at him to stop!” 

Adam tilted his head. “Yeah… that one time.” 

Ross wobbled like he was about to pass out from sheer frustration. Adam quickly grabbed his arm and guided him to a seat. “But, you know, that was you totally having her back! You were good to her, man.” 

“Yeah, but she didn’t appreciate it one bit,” Ross grumbled, slumping down and taking a few heavy breaths. “Rachel’s pregnant with my daughter, right? So I figured it’d be smart to take better care of them—let Rachel move in for a while. That’s reasonable, isn’t it?” 

“Totally reasonable,” Adam agreed, nodding solemnly. 

Ross let out a dramatic sigh. “Ugh, it’s my fault, really. The lock thing, Rachel moving in—she had every right to be mad. I just kinda wish she’d dumped me sooner.” 

Adam’s mouth twitched. Seriously, dude? Monica forgave your sorry butt, and you still pushed it. 

“This isn’t even my worst breakup, though,” Ross went on, suddenly in the mood to spill. He gave a bitter laugh. “After Carol, I had this one time I got dumped mid… you know, unmentionable stuff. That was a disaster.” 

Adam couldn’t hold it in—he snorted. “I can imagine. You didn’t propose to her, did you?” 

“What? No way!” Ross looked horrified. “Why would you even think that?” 

Adam grinned. “I know a guy who did that exact thing—proposed right in the heat of the moment. Didn’t work out, and boom, breakup. You’re both impulsive, but he’s more the emotional type.” 

Ross nodded along, then froze mid-nod, glaring at Adam like he’d just caught on. Adam chuckled. “Let’s get those injuries patched up. Keep talking.” 

“Nah, nothing else to say,” Ross huffed, crossing his arms. 

“Cool,” Adam said with a shrug, focusing on cleaning him up. 

A few minutes passed in silence until Ross couldn’t hold it in anymore. “After we split, I started missing her. She was an amazing girlfriend, you know?” 

“But she’s not Rachel,” Adam tossed out casually. 

Ross went still, then sighed. “Rachel’s not even Rachel anymore.” 

Adam shot him a sideways glance. Oh, really, buddy? What’s that supposed to mean—mad she can’t fit into her pink cheerleader outfit anymore? You, the guy who got dumped mid-parking-lot makeout, don’t get to judge! 

“Ow!” Ross yelped. 

“Whoops, sorry,” Adam said, his grin a little too smug. 

“You sure you know how to treat injuries?” Ross muttered, eyeing him suspiciously. 

“Want me to send you to another hospital?” Adam teased. 

“Huh?” Ross blinked. “Why would I go somewhere else?” 

“Because here, no one’s gonna question my skills,” Adam said with a modest little smile. 

“I’m not doubting your skills,” Ross shot back. “I’m doubting your attitude. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re Team Rachel all the way.” 

Adam laughed. “Here’s hoping Emma inherits your brains and Rachel’s looks.” 

Ross’s mouth twitched. He knew Adam was roasting him. 

“Anyway,” Ross continued, “after the breakup, I missed Monica so much I went to her favorite French restaurant. Wanted to relive some sweet memories, you know? Place is super popular—I waited in line for a whole hour just to get in.  

But get this—they wouldn’t let me in! Said I didn’t have a female companion!”  

“Pfft!” Adam burst out laughing. “For real?” 

Who knew single guys had it this rough? Adam figured these heartbreaking, tear-jerking tragedies were a future thing—guess not! 

“Dead serious!” Ross fumed. “The waiter said it’s their gimmick—‘crafted for goddesses’ or some nonsense. You need a lady to invite you in. Back when I went with Monica, I never noticed. But this time, I’m solo, waiting forever, and no one says a word until I’m at the door—then they tell me to scram. Who can deal with that?” 

“So you started swinging?” Adam asked, smirking. 

“No way!” Ross said, indignant. “I’m a university professor—I don’t just throw punches! I argued my case, laid out the facts, and they finally caved. They sent a waitress to ‘escort’ me in as my temporary date.” 

“And then?” Adam grinned. “She was too hot, and you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?” 

“As if!” Ross rolled his panda eyes. “If it wasn’t about proving a point, I’d have bailed. It was so awkward—total strangers!” 

“So who beat you up, then?” Adam asked, still chuckling. 

Ross groaned. “Turns out the pretty waitress has a boyfriend who’s a total jealousy freak. He showed up, saw us, and didn’t even ask—just clocked me in the face! I was out of it, and by the time I came to, I looked like this. If his girlfriend hadn’t begged for forgiveness, I’d have made him pay!” 

“Oh, sure,” Adam teased. “If she wasn’t hot, no amount of begging would’ve saved him, right?” 

Ross clammed up. 

“Single life’s rough, man,” Adam said. “Pro tip: check the signs before you walk into a place. Not just that spot—brunch joints are brutal too. Total anti-single vibes. I’ve got a friend who loved this one brunch place, but after his breakup, the staff hit him with the ‘Oh, just you?’ line and a pity stare. Crushed him. He ended up dragging a guy friend along just to eat there—almost sparked a whole misunderstanding.” 

“That’s ridiculous!” Ross growled. “I’m done with those places!” 

Oh, and speaking of cool stuff—check out pat-reon:belamy20 if you’re into supporting awesome vibes like this! 

(End of Chapter)