How Andy Serkis Became the Director of Venom 2 (VIDEO SCRIPT)

(Sees the Hollywood Reporter article. Is emotionless, then pulls out & uncorks wine bottle)

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Hey Readers. Remember that time I decided to watch a movie that I didn’t wanna watch starring a famous villain-turned-anti-hero that I hate because I had a free ticket and didn’t have anything to review for the channel that week, and the only way I was able to really talk about it on camera was getting buzzed off of Red Wine?

...

Well, Sony’s making a Venom 2...

And the reason WHY Sony’s making a Venom 2 is because its theatrical release made over 850 million dollars

850 MILLION DOLLARS. (pause) This is OUR fault

Now Readers, I want you to know that I read the comments on all of my videos. And when I read the comments on my review of Venom last year -- specifically the ones who went to see the movie -- there were three types of people

The ones who refused to see it, which I should have been part of that congregation

The ones who did and genuinely enjoyed it -- insert Obama’s “really dude” gif here

And the ones who did because they knew it was gonna be a “so bad it’s good” film, and from the data I’ve gathered, that was the majority of everyone who went to see it

Y’know, unless you were one of the other two or like me who used the comatose corpse of MoviePass to...justify your life choices

Now the screenwriter for Venom 2 is the same as Venom 1, british writer Kelly Marcel

She’s co-writing the Elvis Presley biopic with one of my favorite directors Baz Luhrmann, is the screenwriter for Disney’s latest “villain point of view” live action remake Cruella, and adapted the first Fifty Shades book for the silver screen

Yep. All that just...just came out of my mouth.

The one that ISN’T returning however, is director Ruben Fleischer

Who decided that if he’s going to make a sequel to a movie, then he’s gonna make a sequel to a movie...that he actually enjoyed directing (Zombieland 2)

So that left Sony with a decision to make, so the made up a shortlist of directors. Including Bumblebee’s Travis Knight, Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ Rupert Wyatt, and Blank of the Planet of the Apes’ Andy Serkis

And if you decide to prematurely play that “he’s just a motion-cap actor” magic card straight from your hand, I’m just gonna activate my trap card that’s been on the field since...the beginning of the game

And THAT trap card is called “He’s a director, too”

/The most notable movie being the non-Disney affiliated Jungle Book movie “Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle” starring Christian Bale as Bagheera, that was originally going to be on Warner Brothers roster before selling it to Netflix because they didn’t wanna meet Disney at the playground after school/ Trailer

But then a week after the shortlist of directors was released to the public, rumors started to surface that Andy Serkis was indeed chosen to take over Ruben’s role as director of Venom 2

/But it wasn’t until Andy Serkis made this post across his social media accounts holding a Venom comic, thanking Sony and Marvel for the opportunity, and most importantly CONFIRMING that he was chosen that those of us who care finally got an answer/

Now, I want it on record that the way I reacted to Sony choosing Serkis as director was in no way shape or form me saying that I was displeased with him directing the movie.

/After all, it was revealed that what landed him the gig in the first place was he knows his way around performance capture and getting actors to properly emote through it, which would probably mean that Tom Hardy and Woody Harrelson will be putting in some serious time at Serkis’ School of CGI when they start soup-slinging as Venom and Carnage respectively/ Venom 2 - Hollywood Reporter

No, I just reacted the way I reacted because like I said in my review, I...just don’t want more Venom movies; I just don’t

And I hate the fact that the reason why the first one got as big as it did is because people went to theaters to watch it on a “so bad it’s good” level in order to make the Box Office numbers count. On some “Mel Brooks’ The Producers” ass shit

Like, I was able to put my bias about Deadpool aside to both watch and enjoy his movies.

I was able to put my bias about THANOS aside and found the combination of both Infinity War and Endgame worthwhile.

But for some strange reason, I just can’t put my bias about Venom and the symbiotes aside or find his solo movie enjoyable.

Do I think Andy Serkis has the ability to make me CARE about Venom 2? Absolutely! Personally, I think he’s just as talented a director as he is an actor

And given his track record with the technology and his films, if there’s anyone out there that has the possibility of making me give...1/5th of a damn about the Symbiotes -- especially without Spider-Man’s involvement -- I’d say that Andy Serkis is... Top 5 on the list.

Won’t be happening opening night, tho... Or with my own money.

But, I digress Readers; your homework assignment for the day

Write in the comment section below what you think about Andy Serkis directing the sequel to Venom

Are you stoked to see what he can do? Did you think one of the other directors were a better choice? I’d love to know your thoughts.