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New Year’s Resolutions I Will Absolutely Stick To

Added 2025-12-28 04:20:47 +0000 UTC

No, really. I mean it this time. Possibly. Probably not.

It’s that sacred time of year when we lie to ourselves with passion and ceremony.

I have, with great care and a suspicious lack of foresight, composed a list of perfectly reasonable goals for the coming year. I will now share them with the confidence of someone who will absolutely ignore all of them by February.

Behold. My noble intentions.

I will not steal a corgi. Even if it has stubby little legs. Even if it waddles directly into my arms like fate itself wearing fur. Even then.
I will stop naming my devices. I’m told this creates emotional attachment. However, Laptopimus Prime has been through a lot and deserves to be treated with dignity.
I will no longer audibly judge people who microwave water for tea. I will still judge them. But silently. With my eyes. From a distance.
I will stretch daily. And not just make that fox who’s just realised it’s bin day noise every time I stand up.
I will eat biscuits like a normal person. One at a time. Not... the whole packet... like it’s a single serving suggestion.
I will keep my phone charged above twenty percent. Because apparently, that is what functional adults do.
I will stop explaining fictional science out loud. Especially in public. Especially when no one has asked. Especially at the supermarket.
I will finally organise my cables into tidy, labelled, colour-coded bundles and maintain that system forever.
Forever.
For… ever.

That’s it. That’s the list.
Do feel free to share yours, especially the ones you have no intention of actually following. I find it’s important to start the year with a nice little lie to myself, just to get the tone right.