I Will Fucking Stab You With This Breadstick - F4A - Fantasy Comedy - Rescue Me, But Don’t Touch My Dragon

I told you to put that sword down, didn’t I? One moment I’m having a perfectly civil chat with my dragon over tea and the next, you’re waving steel at his face like some great heroic fool. Honestly, knights. Always assuming the princess needs rescuing. I’m not a captive, I’m a runaway, and if you must know, I’m doing just fine. Well, mostly. There’s a plan somewhere between the tea chest and the biscuit tin, I’m sure of it. Just sit down, have a biscuit, and for the love of magic, stop threatening my dragon.

✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧

🧑‍🎤 Speaker Teaser

I might be a princess, but I don’t need saving. I need someone who knows the difference between a weapon and a fucking breadstick.

🎧 Listener Teaser

You were supposed to be the brave knight, weren’t you? Turns out, you’re just the kind of idiot I need

✧ Filed Under: This Is What You’re In For ✧

[F4A] I Will Fucking Stab You With This Breadstick [Fantasy Comedy][Fairytale][Runaway Princess Roleplay][Confused Knight Listener][Not a Kidnapping Just a Misunderstanding][Knight Meets Dragon Meets Breadstick][Put the Sword Down][It’s a Breadstick, You Absolute Muppet][Portly, Not Fat, Just Fluffy][He Eats When He’s Lonely][You Really Need Tea][Do I Look Like a Captive][Prince Charming Can Get Stuffed][You and Your Bloody Sword][Yes, I Ran Away, Congratulations on Noticing][Tea First, Heroics Later][Stop Pointing That at My Dragon][Fine, We’ll Get Married, Happy Now][You’re Cute for a Knight][Pass the Custard Creams][Playful][Warm][Rebellious][Princess Saves Herself][Enemies to Lovers][Put the Sword Down and Stop Waving It at My Dragon][I Said I’m a Princess, Not a Captive, Now Sit Down and Have Some Tea]

⚠︎ Read Me Before You Regret It ⚠︎

Trigger Warnings: fantasy violence (comedic), references to death, light coercion

✧ Just One Question... ✧

Which of these is the most dire situation? We have limited supplies, Portly’s in a mood, and you’ve got that look on your face like you’re about to suggest something heroic. Let’s prioritise.

Which situation requires immediate action?

🍪 We are out of custard creams. Repeat, OUT OF CUSTARD CREAMS.
🗡️ The sword is missing. You used it to cut cheese.
🐉 Portly is crying because someone said his scales were "textured".
👗 Someone sent me another wedding dress. It had lace.